


Louder Than Words

by TheArtOfWar



Series: Speechless [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Character death in the first chapter, Depression, Domestic Violence, Established Relationship, Graphic past, Kidnapping, Levi in glasses, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Rape, Mute!Eren, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Sign Language, Slight Eruren, Suicide Attempt, Switching, Top and Bottom Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-19
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-05 07:34:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 57
Words: 142,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1810396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheArtOfWar/pseuds/TheArtOfWar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My boyfriend, Eren Jaeger, disappeared ten days before his seventeenth birthday.</p>
<p>Six months later, he was found again, completely intact save for his mental and emotional scars. Oh, and the fact that he would never be able to speak again.</p>
<p>And so, we all started to rebuild from the debris that had been left in the destruction of our lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue-Past

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my summer work. I am really planning on having this complete by the end of August, but as most of my plans go, that might not happen. I already have five chapters of this done and I have no idea how many there is going to be. 
> 
> Anyway, this is like half comedy/half tragedy only because the chapters alternate between past and present as does the tense. Hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WAIT!!!**  
> [ShortlockHolmes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ShortlockHolmes/pseuds/ShortlockHolmes) made a fantastic [cover](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2331461/chapters/5137688?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_16028294) of this fic and you should really check it out!!!
> 
> **IMPORTANT MEMO: PLEASE DO NOT TRANSLATE OR REPLICATE THIS WORK.**  
>  I do not want this fic on any other sites except this one. Please understand that this work is very important to me and I do not want it posted anywhere else. Thank you.

My boyfriend, Eren Jaeger, disappeared ten days before his seventeenth birthday.

It wasn't just him either. Lot's of other teenage kids had been disappearing before that, but the police where sitting on their lazy asses until the FBI got involved, I suppose.  
Eren was athletic, playing basketball and baseball, and had decided to walk home with his friend and fellow teammate, Marco, and his girlfriend, Mina, before they all three disappeared. Before that, it had been Thomas Wagner, some kid named Daz, another named Franz, and a teacher, Miss. Langer.

It unsettled the parents of Shiganshina, but after three kids where taken, there was a city-wide curfew, police were working extra hours, and nobody traveled alone. My own mother was sure to text me every half hour just to make sure I was alright. It might have been annoying if my boyfriend hadn't been taken, but I understood.

The only people who were just as upset about Eren's disappearance where probably his parents, his adopted sister and my sort of cousin, Mikasa, and his friend Armin. Armin was scarily level headed about Eren's disappearance, while Mikasa and I would have tore the entire town apart if it weren't for Armin diffusing us with just a few words.

It was frustrating, waiting for the cops and the FBI to do their jobs. We knew that after a certain amount of time, missing people were pronounced dead. But we all refused to believe him to be dead. Eren Jaeger couldn't die. He was way to determined and spirited for that.

It weighed heavily on me that I might never see those brilliant green eyes that held such fire in them or feel his body against mine. The last thing I ever said to him was something about him taking a shit. I thought about this every night as a week turned into a month, then into three.

Nobody had any leads. The last person who had seen them was Eren and Marco's baseball coach, who had offered them a ride, but they had refused. They guy had looked pretty torn up about it, saying that he wished he had insisted. At the time, I wished that too.

Mikasa's kind-of boyfriend, Jean Kirstein, was best friends with Marco and was pretty torn up about his best friend and his girlfriend's brother going missing, even if he didn't always get along with Eren.

Being a year older than Eren, I graduated at the end of May, but I felt a giant hole in my heart, knowing that Eren couldn't see it. It was painful living every day without him.

At the end of June, I decided against going to college to stay at home and work. I suppose that I was depressed and holding on the hope that Eren would come back.

Six months passed and pretty much any hope of finding the missing people was lost. Nobody had been kidnapped since March, so the FBI was going to declare it a cold case.

That is, they were until Krista Lenz, a small, blonde girl with a sweet disposition, was almost kidnapped. Somehow, her girlfriend had stopped the bastard, who ran, but not before the two girls saw who it was and reported him immediately to the police.

That opened a whole can of worms. It was apparently the fucking coach. The police didn't find a trace of him at first, getting a warrant to search his house and found a hidden basement after some searching.

They don't tell you this shit in the newspapers or on the news. What they found made some of the most seasoned officers vomit, apparently.

All the people that had been kidnapped were down there. Some of them were mangled and ripped apart. Franz was missing his legs, Mina, her head, Marco part of his right side. It was gory, it was disgusting, and they said the smell just about knocked them out.

They were all decaying and they all had scars on their throats. At least, from what they could tell from the corpses.

They found Eren and pronounced him dead at the scene until he bolted upright and scuttled away from the police, his mouth open the entire time, seemingly screaming, but no sound came out.

The reports said he was completely naked, starved, dehydrated, but there were no marks on him except for surgical scars at his throat.

That wasn't all they found either. The bastard coach had been trying to make some sort of artificial human and had been collecting body parts. The next thing on his list had been labeled “Hair”.

His “surgery” room was separated from the room by a soundproof window. Not much about what really happened would be explained until much, much later.

I was fucking glad that the son of a bitch turned up days later, dead, apparently by suicide.

Eren was sedated and taken immediately to the hospital. I still remember getting a call from Mikasa at the beginning of October in the middle of the day, sobbing. My heart fell, fearing the worst, but then she managed to get out that he was alive and that he was at the hospital.

I left work early that day, not even explaining to my boss as I raced to the hospital. I found Eren's family there already. They wouldn't let any of us in yet, but as we waited, they dropped the bomb on us.

Eren would never be able to speak ever again. His vocal chords had been removed and due to the unskilled hands that had taken it from him, damaged the muscles and tissues and his throat had healed wrong. There was nothing that they could do.

It was a lot better than finding him dead, that was certain, but we all knew that the injury to Eren's throat would be nothing compared to the mental scars he had.

 

It was hard at first; every time he woke up, he started to thrash and his version of screaming would happen. I was there every time it happened, as well as Mikasa and Eren's parents.

His eyes would snap open and his pupils were dilated. His heart rate would go up drastically as he put his hands over his ears and kicked and bit, trying to get away from all the doctor's and nurses. Nobody could figure out what was happening with him and the doctor's had suggested putting Eren in a mental facility, to which Mikasa and I vehemently were against. But in the end, it wasn't really our decision to make.

He was there for two days before he was restrained and separated, being labeled as a danger to himself and to others. However, this didn't change anything as he spent anytime he was awake, crying, thrashing, and trying to scream.

It was then that Armin came up with an answer.

Eren was terrified of silence.

We managed to test this theory, Armin bringing in an iPod with headphones and managed to put them on Eren.

After weeks of fighting and sobbing, Eren calmed down instantly.

And from then on, Eren never took off the headphones. Anytime the doctors tried, Eren would react violently. So on they stayed.

Eren stayed in the hospital for a while longer. Despite his inability to speak, his personality still shown through from time to time. I once tried to help him with a puzzle that he seemed to be struggling with, and he fixed me with a glare that reminded me of the times he got frustrated with me for cleaning his room.

Mikasa once tried to wipe food off his face, and he smacked her hands away and huffed. He probably would have told her to stop acting so motherly towards him if he could have spoken.

He was much the same, but he was also much different.

He had nightmares every night. The doctor's prescribed him anxiety medication for his frequent panic attacks. He hardly ever looked at anyone anymore.

He wouldn't let anyone cut his hair either. His mother had come in one time with scissors, saying that she would cut his hair that was past his shoulder. Once he had seen the scissors, however, Eren had freaked out.

Once he was calmed down, he wouldn't stop giving his mother angry looks as if it was her fault scissors existed.

I could tell he wanted to scream sometimes. Scream with rage, frustration, sadness. But he couldn't. It was times like these where we would find him punching his pillow with an angry look on his face. The doctors had run in, ready to sedate him, but he sat back on his bed and complied with their wishes.

He wasn't being violent, he was just trying to channel his anger. Without his voice, he was having a harder time with that.

Jean had come to visit, as well as Annie, who had been close friends with Mina. Once Eren had seen them, he started sobbing uncontrollably. The whole time, the only thing he mouthed was 'I'm sorry' over and over again.

Eren seemed to blame himself for their brutal deaths, but Jean and Annie sat with Eren for a long time, comforting him and assuring him that they didn't blame him at all.

It was when Annie left that she surprised me.

“We got it easy,” she said quietly to me.

“What do you mean?” I had asked her.

She looked at me with those pale blue eyes that seemed to be emotionless, but I could see sorrow in them.

“I lost one of my best friends,” Annie said, “But Eren...he lost so much more.”

She didn't say anything else, but Jean seemed to be in agreement with her.

Armin started to teach Eren sign language. At first, Eren was stubborn and refused to learn. Since he also refused to write in a notebook to tell us what he wanted to say, there was no way to find out what he was thinking.

But then one day, he sat in front of Armin expectantly, waiting for his blond friend to teach him. I learned along with Eren. I bought sign language books to learn as well and let Eren borrow them. It was as if he had finally realized he was never going to be able to speak again.

As for where Eren and I stood, I had no answer. I knew better to assume that we were still dating, but I wasn't going to leave Eren's side. We still maintained a closeness, but Eren had yet to acknowledge our relationship at all. Granted, our relationship was the least he had to worry about.

The one time I had grasped his hand, he pulled it away, looking at me with a pained expression on his face. I didn't try and touch him again. But there had been one time when I had fallen asleep, arms crossed on the bed and head lying on them, when I was awakened by Eren playing with my hair. I didn't want to disturb the one time he was touching me of his own free will, so I pretended to sleep until he withdrew his hand.

On one of the last days he was at the hospital, he had finally written one thing down in his notebook.

_What happened to him?_

We instantly knew exactly what he was talking about.

His father, Grisha, answered for us all.

“He killed himself before the police found him,” he said and a taut voice.

Eren looked down for the longest time before looking back up, a familiar look of determination and rage on it.

_He deserved a more painful death,_ he wrote, but he didn't mention it again.

And so, we all started to rebuild from the debris that had been left in the destruction of our lives.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot set up and now we are ready to go! Fasten your seatbelt folks, it's gonna be a wild ride.


	2. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post another chapter this soon but it was there and I couldn't resist because I have no self control. So, here is chapter 2!

_Six Months Later_

* * *

 

“We're home!” Grisha announces as he pulls into the driveway.

Of course, Eren doesn't hear the announcement as he has headphones on that completely blocks out sounds except for his music. Knowing this, Mikasa taps him on the shoulder, making him snap his eyes open and look around at his surroundings. His eyes finally lock on me and I smile encouragingly.

“You're home,” I tell him, my hands saying the same thing in sign language. All of us had taken up talking while signing, making it easier for us and Eren to learn.

Armin would be here with us now, but he had to take his grandfather to a doctor's appointment. Eren seemed a little a disappointed when he found out that his best friend wouldn't be here to witness his homecoming, but brightened up one Armin let him know that he would be over as soon as the appointment was over.

His hair is long now, still refusing to have it cut. He puts it back in a ponytail, like his father does with his hair. I have to say, the long haired Eren is strangely adorable.

He looks outside, seeing his parents exit the car. I open the other side in the backseat and start to get out, but then notic that Eren hasn't moved. Mikasa gives a worried glance over at me before she taps Eren on the arm again.

Not looking and shrugging her off, he huffs and opens the door, stepping outside, leaving the door open for Mikasa.

It's the first time that Eren has been at his house in over a year. We are all on edge on how he is going react. After being in captivity for six months and in the hospital for six more, nobody is sure how he will adjust back to his life, if he even can.

He stands, frozen for a second before he pops his lips, something he has started doing often to relieve tension, and walks around to the trunk of the car, opens it and drags his suitcase out of the back.

I suppress a smirk. I should have known that Eren wouldn't let himself be babied or pitied. He still has his headstrong personality, despite what had happened to him.

He slams the trunk shut and everyone else moves into action. Mikasa and I get out of the car while Grisha fumbles for the keys and Carla smiles at her son, ruffling his hair, even though he is much taller than her now.

Getting into the house was another thing. Eren stops and looks around, seeing that everything is exactly as it had been before. The stairs are still in the foyer, the pictures on the wall leading the way to the second floor, even the fake plant on the hallway table is still here.

He takes in a shaky breath before he sets down his bag.

“ _Is my room still in the same place?_ ” he asks in the only way he could.

“Yes,” Carla answers, smiling, “Mikasa can help you with your stuff.”

“ _I don't need her to carry my stuff,_ ” he objects, “ _I'm not going to fucking break._ ”

Carla obviously hasn't learned the sign for “fucking” quite yet, but Grisha gives his son a disapproving look and Mikasa slaps him on the back of the head.

“Come on, Eren,” she says, picking his bag up more easily than he had, making him roll his eyes and follow her up the stairs.

I go to follow, but a hand wraps around my arm, pulling me to a stop. I turn to see Grisha looking at me.

“Actually, Levi, could Carla and I talk to you for a few minutes?” he asks seriously. These past couple months, they both had been nothing but gracious to me and hadn't questioned my presence during Eren's recovery, treating me like family. But I can only imagine that they still have their reservations about some things.

“Sure,” I shrug and he releases me, “Kitchen?”

He nods and leads the way. Eren glances at us as he climbs the stairs, giving us a quizzical look, but I dismiss him with a quick wave of the hand.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Carla asks me, going straight for the fridge as I sit down at the counter.

“Ah, no, I'm good, Mrs. Jaeger,” I respond. What I honestly want to do was to go upstairs and be with Eren.

She nods but still gets water out and pours two glasses before Grisha starts to speak.

“Carla and I have been a bit concerned about what you want from Eren,” he says bluntly. Good. I like people who don't beat around the bush.

“Nothing,” I answer honestly, sounding a little bit more defensive than I meant to be.

“We know that you were dating our son before he disappeared,” Carla starts, “But I think it would be...foolish to consider that you two will be able to pick up where you left off.”

Is she fucking serious?

“What my wife means to say is that we don't know if Eren is emotionally stable to consider any type of relationship,” Grisha adds, “He may seem like he is adjusting well, but-”

“Excuse me while I interrupt you,” I say, trying my best not to let my anger get a hold of me, “But I don't think I've been doing anything to even _suggest_ that I want to bang Eren. I loved him before he was kidnapped and I love him now, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to forget the fact that he's been through hell.”  
“We didn't mean-”

“I'm sorry, Levi,” Grisha says, running a hand through his hair. I noticed that Eren picked up this habit from his father a while ago. I used to constantly tease him about it and Eren hated knowing that he resembled his father in any way. “Let us be more clear.”

“Please do,” I bite out. I have stayed all these fucking months and now they are suggesting that I have only done so to stick my dick in Eren again. Do they think that little of me?

“Carla and I are concerned about you almost as much as we are concerned for Eren,” he admits honestly, “Before...you and Eren were good for each other and I knew he genuinely loved you and we both loved having you being a part of all of our lives. We are just concerned that you are not only setting Eren up for heartbreak, but yourself as well.”

That...is unexpectedly kind.

“We know that you love him dearly,” Carla says, sipping her water, “You've done more than most men would have in a situation like this. You've stuck beside him through it all. Our fear is that you will exhaust yourself trying to stay by his side when your relationship might not ever be the same. If that were to happen, we don't know what either of you would do. If you were to finally decide that you couldn't do this for the long haul, it would break Eren. He depends on you right now, just as much as he depends on the rest of us.”

It is quiet for a moment and both of them look as if they were trying to find a better way to state their thoughts, but I understand. If I were in their spot, I would have the same reservations. Mikasa is family to Eren, Armin is a childhood friend that is as unwaveringly loyal as Mikasa, and these two are his parents. To them, I am just some kid that doesn't know what he is getting himself into.

“Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger,” I say quietly, looking down at the counter, “This whole thing is really shitty. You two don't deserve to go through this. Mikasa and Armin don't deserve it either. Eren is the last person in the world that should have gone through...whatever shit he went through. That being said, I know what you are saying, but I'm not going to abandon Eren, no matter what. I love him. And even if he never wants me to ever touch him again, I'm still going to be here for him. This whole damn thing hurts, but it would hurt more for me to leave him. So I'm sticking with him, if you don't mind.”

“What if he told you to leave?” Grisha asks and I look up at him, seeing that he is giving me a level look, “If he told you to leave, that your presence was too painful, would you leave.”

“No,” I say without any hesitation, “Would you?”

Carla seems taken aback with my answer while Grisha thinks over my answer carefully. As he continues to look at me through his glasses with narrowed eyes, I focus on not fidgeting and keeping my face its usual blank slate. After a moment, he smiles slightly.

“No. Family doesn't abandon family,” he says quietly.

“Exactly,” I agree, daring him to say that Eren isn't my family, but he doesn't. He just nods and drinks some of his water.

“I'm impressed, Levi,” Grisha tells me and Carla chuckles. I remember Eren saying that his father is 'too damn hard to please' and despite myself, I feel some pride blossom in my chest.

The peaceful moment is interrupted by a sharp cry.

“Carla! Grisha!”

It's Mikasa and she sounds a bit panicky.

Both parents leave their glasses of water and rush upstairs with me following close behind.

The upstairs is a strange layout, only having two rooms upstairs separated by a sort of living room in between them. There is a TV and a couch with a huge, plush chair right next to the window. It's a nice set up and there had been multiple times when Eren had invited me to hang out with him and his friends and all they did was just chill in this living room space.

Eren's room is the room on the left, having remained exactly the same since Eren's disappearance. The walls are navy blue with a gray carpet. Eren has a few poster's up of his favorite bands; Metallica, Fall Out Boy, and for some fucking reason, The Dixie Chicks.

However, that isn't what we are focused on when we come into the bedroom.

Eren is in the corner of his room, eyes shut tight, hands over the headphones, and mouth open and moving, which we knew by now was him trying to scream something at us.

“What happened?” Grisha asks calmly, kneeling in front of Eren.

“I don't know,” Mikasa says, wringing her hands, “I just was unpacking his stuff and he started doing this. He was fine. He was looking around his room so I knew he would be okay while I got his clothes out.”

I immediately start looking around the room. I look out both windows, but there is nothing there that could have made him freak out.

“Do you see any triggers, Levi?” Grisha says, glancing over at me. Carla is trying to comfort her son, but he is still not calming down.

“No sir,” I respond, looking over his entire room. Besides a few baseball trophies on his dresser, I can't think of anything...

Wait. On his dresser, is a picture of the entire team at their last tournament. Right next to Eren, with his arm around Eren's shoulders, is the bastard coach. Trigger found.

I grab the frame and manage to take the photo out. I then pull the first drawer open, his sock drawer, and dig out a lighter.

He will be horrified once he finds out that I have somewhat shown his parents where his secret stash of weed is, but this is more important.

I shove the drawer shut and grab the empty wastebasket before going over to sit in front of Eren.

“Levi...?” Mikasa says, but I ignored her.

I put my hand on Eren's arm, trying to get his attention. He opens his eyes but didn't stop 'screaming'. He notices the picture I had, and even though it was flipped so he can't see what it was of, he starts shaking his head angrily and covers his throat.

Without saying a word, I flick the lighter and put it to the photograph. He stops trembling and panicking to watch as the flames engulfed the picture. I flip it over so he can see his coach's face being burned off and erased from existence. Everyone else is holding their breath, waiting to see what Eren's reaction would be. We all seem to be doing that a lot lately.

When the fire gets to close to my fingers, I drop the burning photo into the garbage can and we all watch the rest of it burn. Eren is the first to look at me.

“He's dead, Eren,” I tell him, “That fucker isn't going to hurt you ever again.”

Eren nods determinedly, but his single tear doesn't go unnoticed.

“ _I want to lay down for a little bit,_ ” he signs eventually, popping his lips, and we all stand, Mikasa helping him up.

“Do you want to be alone?” I ask him, and despite the conversation I had downstairs with his parents, I hope that he will want me to stay.

He looks over at us before he asks, “ _Can you stay, Mom? Please?_ ”

She looks a little shocked, but nods. Grisha gives his son a kiss on the forehead and Mikasa gives him a reassuring squeeze on the hand. I am about to walk out of the room with the others, but Eren grabs my hand and I turn back to face him.

“ _Thank you,_ ” he says before releasing my hand, leaving a warm feeling where he had been touching.

“Anything for you, Bright Eyes,” I say, making use of my old nickname for him and for the first time in months, I see a light blush on his face before he turns away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I wasn't clear before, which tends to happen a lot more than I'd like to admit, the chapters go 'Past, present, past, present, etc.' just as the tenses go 'past, present, past, present'.
> 
> Hope you guys liked this chapter! Thanks for reading.


	3. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, you guys actually like this fic.

“You invited him to our study group?”

“Please, Levi, don't say it like it's the end of the world,” Hanji said dismissively, “Eren doesn't seem to have any friends in our class and I thought it would be fun.”  
“What about that blond kid with the weird hair?” I asked, “I always see them together. Or his sister?”

“They aren't in the same AP French class as us,” Hanji answered, “Come on, Levi. You know Hitch and the rest of them aren't going to go out of their way to include him. What's the big deal?”

“The big deal is that he wants my dick,” I huffed.

Hanji glanced at me before cracking up.

“You fucker,” I growled, “It's true! He's always looking at me in class and he's talked to me about the most random shit.”

“You know, I wish I had your ego,” Hanji laughed, “Thinking that he wants you when he is probably trying to make friends.”

I rolled my eyes. Obviously Hanji wasn't getting it.

“Yeah?” I challenged, “Have you seen him talk to anybody else in that class? You haven't seen the way he looks at me either. He definitely wants to ask me out.”

Hanji shrugged.

“Maybe you're right,” she said, “But what does it matter? If he asks you out, just tell him you're straight and you have the hots for Petra, even though you still don't have the balls to ask her out. It's not like he's going to stalk you.”

“He might,” I grumbled.

I wasn't too sure about the freshman with green eyes that most of the girls swooned over. It was no secret that he was gay as the fourth of July, but nobody really had a problem with it.

And it wasn't as if I had a problem with it either. My best friend, Erwin, was gay and even said I was his first crush. I liked to think of myself as Erwin's sexual awakening, even though he knew I could never see him as anything more than a friend.

“Get over yourself, Levi,” Hanji huffed, “He's coming and that's that.”

“Who's coming?” a newer voice said and we both looked up to see the rest of our study group approaching the table that they usually sat at in the library. It was Petra who had asked the question and I felt a numb feeling in my stomach. She always looked really adorable. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one who noticed this as her childhood friend, Auruo had realized around the same time as I did that Petra was quite the catch.

“Hanji invited that Jaeger kid to study with us,” I answered sullenly as I looked out the window, seeing that it had started to downpour.

“You mean the cutie with the fantastic eyes and the great ass?” Erwin asked as he sat down, “Good call, Hanji.”  
“Levi seems to think that Eren wants him,” Hanji told the blond.

“Levi thinks that everyone wants him,” Gunter interjected teasingly, “Hell, the lunch lady probably wants him.”

“School nurse too,” Erd added.

“Mr. Zackly,” Petra laughs.

“Principal Reiss.”

“Hell, Ymir probably wants you too,” Hanji teased as said girl came around the corner, looking for a book.

“Fuck off,” the freckled girl deadpanned as she rolled her eyes, leaving the group to their idiocy.

“You guys are dicks,” I spat as they all dissolved into quiet laughter.

“Yup, and we all want yours,” Erwin chuckled and the group couldn't contain themselves.

I was about to start another round of swearing before my eyes shifted to someone who was approaching the table.

“Uh, hey, Hanji,” Eren greeted once he reached the gathering of people.

“Eren! Hey!” she said before patting the seat next to her, “Come on, sit! Guys, this is Eren, as you already know. These beautiful idiots are Erwin, Gunter, Auruo, Petra, Erd, and Levi. Levi says you've been acquainted before.”

I caught the double meaning of her tone even if Eren did not and I scowled at her.

“He mentioned me?” Eren asked, surprised, “Anytime I've talked to him, he's seemed annoyed by me.”

“Well that's because he thinks-”

“That you _are_ annoying,” Levi finished before Erwin could finish his sentence, glaring at the blond hulk of a man.

“Oh,” Eren seemed to deflate a bit but Hanji clapped him on the back.

“Don't worry. Levi thinks all of us are annoying but he still hangs out with us,” Hanji assured him, “So now, you're already one of us.”

Eren grinned and I could practically feel Erwin swooning. I rolled his eyes and looked over at Petra who was hiding a smile but looking back at me.

“So, Eren,” Erwin said, leaning forward on the table, “What makes you want to hang out with a bunch of sophomores after school. Surely you have other friends.”

Eren looked over at Erwin and gave a sheepish grin.

“Well, I do,” he said, running his fingers through his hair, “But I thought it would be fun to join you guys. Especially since none of my other friends are in the same class. Hanji invited me and you guys seemed like an interesting group of people to get to know.”

I could have sworn his eyes flicked to me when he said that last part. Auruo coughed.

“You aren't so bad, I guess,” he sniffed and Petra rolled her eyes before jabbing him with her elbow.

“Well, maybe we should get to studying,” Petra suggested, “Mr. Zackly gave us quite a bit to do so the sooner we get it done, the better.”

We all begrudgingly pulled our books and worksheets that our teacher had given us and started our study group as usual. Eren proved to be relatively good at finding the answers and more than once, Hanji boasted about inviting him. Aurou was right. He wasn't so bad.

It was about an hour later that we finished up and everyone started packing their stuff up and dispersing. In some cruel twist of fate, or rather, my friends being dicks, I was left alone with Eren.

“Do you really find me annoying?” Eren asked after a few moments and I sighed, hefting my backpack over my shoulder.

“Did it really bother you that much?” I asked rhetorically, “Fucking hell. No, you aren't _that_ annoying. Keep asking me shit like this though, and I might change my opinion.”

Eren had the audacity to grin at me and I started to walk away, not wanting to deal with his shit. I could hear Eren getting his things together behind me before catching up to me.

“Hanji was right,” he said and I repressed a groan, “You aren't really all that bad.”

“Good to know I'm talked about,” I said, “But you don't have to keep talking to me now.”

“What if I want to talk to you?” Eren asked as we exited the library and I stopped short, glaring at him.

“What the fuck do you want from me? I didn't see you bothering any of the other group members like this.”

“That's because I didn't want to take any of the group members out,” Eren said cheekily.

I wished that I had bet Hanji because I would have been raking in the dough. I  _knew_ this bastard wanted me. I couldn't wait to give a giant 'I told you so' to everyone else.

I had to hand it to the kid though, he was blunt and straightforward. I respected that.

“Look, Bright Eyes,” I sighed, “You're nice and all, but I'm straight and happen to have someone I'm interested in.”

He looked taken aback for a second before he smiled sheepishly.

“Wow, I'm sorry,” he apologized, which caught me off guard, “It's Petra right? I guess I should have figured, but I make it a point to never assume anything.”

“You assumed I was gay,” I pointed out.

“Not really. I counted on the fact that if you were straight, you would tell me, which you did,” Eren countered.

“That's still assuming that I would tell you anything,” I said boredly.

He looked at me before he cracked a smile.

“Yeah, I suppose I did,” Eren admitted, “Oh, well. I guess I still assume things. But Petra, huh? She's pretty cute.”

I stared at him long enough for him to become uncomfortable.

“What?” he asked, running his hand through his hair again.

“That's it? You aren't going to try and convince me to go out with you and that I'm not really straight?” I asked in a hard tone, convinced that he was fucking with me.

Eren shrugged.

“Why would I? You already said you're straight,” he answered, “It would be like Hanji trying to convince me to go out with her. I think you were assuming that I am a dick who won't take no for an answer.”

I ignored his comment, mostly because it was true, and snorted.

“You wouldn't want to date Hanji even _if_ she was a guy,” I told him.

“You never know,” he responded, “She's a bit...high strung, but I bet there is someone who can settle her down.”

I rolled my eyes and started walking again. Eren followed after me like a lost fucking puppy.

“But seriously,” he said, “I think Petra likes you. You should ask her out. I think she would say yes.”

“Who the fuck asked you?” I said irritably, “And don't you have better things to do besides follow me to my car?”

“Just trying to make conversation,” Eren said with raised eyebrows, “But I'm walking, so not really. You have a license? Aren't you only fifteen?”  
Wait, he was walking home? I was pretty sure it was still raining and he wasn't going to call anyone?

He must have read my mind because he said, “I'm only walking to the bus stop. It's only a couple blocks away.”

I groaned and knew that I would probably regret what I was about to do.

“I don't have a license, just a permit,” I answered, “My mom is probably waiting for me. I'll drive your sorry ass home that way you save on bus fare.”

“No, it's-”

“Shut the fuck up and let me do my annual good deed,” I spat and he shut up right away.

We walked in silence until we were almost outside before I said, “And hey, if you still want dick, Erwin kept checking out your ass.”

Eren had the decency to blush at that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sue me, I had to post another chapter.
> 
> I suppose I should post my tumblr here and if you have any questions, just ask me there and I will answer them :). I'm usually bored and I like talking to people. My tumblr is [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Also, if you do ask me a question there, I will tag it with 'fic: ltw' so I hope its not to egotistical to start tracking that tag now. ^.^
> 
> Thank you guys for all your support already and I really look forward to seeing all of your comments. You guys are so great!


	4. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I've reached 100 kudos and 1,000+ hits already. Um, you guys are really rad.

“How is Eren?” my mother asks and I look up from my cereal.

My mom has been unsurprisingly supportive throughout this whole ordeal. More than once she has told me that she is proud to have a son that would stick by someone he loves. I think she is just happy that I didn't turn out to be like my dad.

“He's adjusting,” I say before returning to my cereal.

My mom is what some would call exuberant. Sometimes she is just a pain in the ass. I may have her looks, but I definitely did not inherit her personality.

It had only been a week since Eren had returned home and things seemed to be going well. Armin and I were over as much as we could be, practically living at the Jaeger household. Jean was there often too, but more for Mikasa. Him and Eren had always had friendly rivalry going on, but Jean seemed to lay off a bit, showing just how much the kid actually cared.

“Do you think that you could take the brownies I baked over to Carla?” my mom asks.

“You baked brownies?” I sniff the air but don't smell the leftover scent of brownies.

“Not yet, but by the time you are done with work, they will be fresh and hot!” she says excitedly.

I roll my eyes. Obviously, it's my mom's day off. She works at H&R Block and even though her job requires her to sit most of the time, she can't ever stand to be not busy. Then again, I'm the same, always cleaning when I'm not working or with Eren. I clean, she cooks.

“Yeah, I'll take them,” I tell her, “You always make the best brownies anyway.”

“That's because I lace them with weed!”

I almost choke on my cereal, not expecting this, even though I should have. Not only is my mom exuberant, but she is also very eccentric at times too. Her and Hanji got along great.

“That explains a lot,” I say with no expression, knowing she was kidding, “I would prefer not to drug the Jaegers today though. Maybe you should lay off the extra seasoning.”

“Well, they won't taste as good, but I suppose I can do that,” my mom says, “I'll have to find some other way to drug you up.”

“You are fucking weird,” I mumble.

“Watch your damn mouth, Levi!” she counters and I roll my eyes. Typical conversation between my mom and I. At least this time, we aren't talking about pubic hair, which has happened before.

My mom's face turns serious.

“Levi, how are you doing?” she asks, genuinely concerned. I know she has been worried about me, even though I have tried to show her that I am alright. I should have known I couldn't fool her.

“I don't know,” I sigh, giving up on my cereal for the time being, “I don't know what to think or feel anymore. How does someone even deal with something like this?”

My mom reaches across the small table and grasps my hand.

“I don't know, sweetheart,” she says, “Surviving isn't about knowing what to do. It's knowing that you have something to live for and pushing forward and you will find that you have always known what to do.”

“That makes no damn sense, Mom,” I say and she chuckles.

“Maybe not, but listen, Levi,” she says seriously, “Eren isn't the only one who isn't alone. You are there for Eren, but don't forget that you have people there for you too. Carla and Grisha, Mikasa, Hanji, Erwin, me. We are all here for you just as much as you are there for Eren, alright.”

I squeeze her hand in reassurance.

“Alright, Mom,” I answer her, “Thank you.”  
She squeezes back.

“No problem, sweetheart,” she says before she releases my hand and stands, “Now eat up. You have work soon and I don't want your sorry ass being late for work. And you better wear your glasses.”

“Watch your damn mouth, Mom,” I say and she smacks me on the back of the head as she passes by.

“Don't talk to your mother that way,” she warns as she heads into the kitchen.

“Sorry, Ma,” I respond as I return to my breakfast.

My workplace was a local electronics store that sold pretty much anything. If you couldn't get it in the store, we could order it for you. If we had a motto, it would be 'We're ten times better than Best Buy and we deliver too!'

A bit egotistical, but it is entirely true. We offer name brands for less and we make house calls for pretty much anything. From alarm clocks to fifty-one inch flat screen televisions.

I started a year ago shortly after graduating and found that I was pretty decent at this job. However, I also found that my eyesight was a lot worse than I had ever thought. My mom forced me to get glasses and I tried to wear them as little as often, but it was slightly more difficult to read when looking at a computer screen all day, so they stayed on at work, but that was it.

“Ackerman!” I hear as I clock in and see Pixis striding over to me, “Mrs. Brown called in today. She needs someone to fix her computer.”

“Again?” I groan, “I swear she is doing this on purpose. Why can't Isabel or Farlan do it?”

“She asked for you,” Isabel says as he peeks his head around the corner, “She wants the D.”

“Shut the fuck up, Izzy,” I spit and I can hear Farlan laughing somewhere.

“The sooner you do it, the sooner you get back,” Pixis says, “She is our best customer.”

“Just because she keeps breaking shit,” Farlan calls, “Be nice to her, Levi, I think she's lonely.”

“You think?” I grumble, getting the keys for the company car, “I'll be back.”

Mrs. Brown isn't as terrible as I make her out to be, I suppose, but I am called to her house at least once a week for one reason or another. Her son, Moses, died in Afghanistan and her husband had passed away years ago, so it was just her in the house now. It seems rather lonely, so I don't mind giving her company for a few hours as much as I say I do.

She lives in a house that's entirely too large for her. For a while, she slept on the couch because she couldn't get up the stairs. I was making a house call for her stereo set when I found this information out and I wasted no time in setting up a stair lift for her. Ever since then, I was always requested whenever he electronics 'broke'.

I drive over to her house, which is close to Eren's neighborhood, and park my car in her driveway. I make sure I have all my equipment just in case something is really wrong with her computer before I get out to approach the door and knock on it. After a few minutes, she opens the door.

“Levi, dear!” she says kindly, ushering me in, “I'm so glad you were working today!”

She says it as if it was a relief, but she knows that I work every day except Thursdays and Sundays.

“No problem, Mrs. Brown,” I answer, knowing that she is about to say-

“Oh, just call me Maggie,” she insists, “How many times do I have to tell you that? Although, it's fortunate that you mother raised you right.”

“Of course,” I say, knowing that the woman was absolutely right. My mom has always done her best.

“Here, I'll show you the computer,” she tells me as she leads me into the house. I take off my shoes, even though she has told me more than once that it was alright to leave them on.

“I'm telling you, it's been giving me grief for a while, but now it's just driving me insane,” she says as I approach the computer.

The screen is frozen on a game of solitaire and I wonder if she purposefully gave herself a virus again. I nod, set down my work bag, and put on my glass before I start to inspect the computer, getting to work.

She talks as I work and I listen as she talks about her friends and church. I respond every once and a while and I can tell she appreciates my company.

In the end, it appears that she does have a few viruses, but I manage to get them off without any damage to her hard drive. I waste some time, pretending that there is more wrong with it than there really is just so she can have some extra time to talk.

I finally stand up and inform her that her computer is fixed. She seems a little disappointed at this until I notice that she has some laundry that hasn't been finished. I become excited at the prospect of cleaning and offer to help her out some.

“Oh, I can' have you do that,” she waves me off dismissively, “I needed you to fix my computer, not do my housework.”

“Really, Ma'am,” I insist, “It's no problem. You don't have to pay me at all for this. I love cleaning. Consider it my tip.”

She purses her lips.

“Your tip would be doing more work for me?” she asks disbelievingly.

“Well,” I say, rubbing the back of my head, “It's something I like to do a lot. Cleaning, that is, and I already cleaned my entire house this weekend.”

She stares at me before she chuckles.

“Fine,” she finally concedes, “But only one load. Your boss doesn't pay you to clean old women's houses.”

He doesn't really, but it's better to get paid while doing something that makes me absolutely ecstatic.

As I start her laundry, she chatters to me still.

“How is Eren, dear?” she asks eventually and I freeze for a second before resuming my work.

Everyone knows about Eren Jaeger. He is the only survivor of the brutal murders, so naturally, he is like some sort of local icon. Several crime TV shows have done a spot on him, changing his name to ensure his safety, but that doesn't stop curious people from whispering about him if they see him.

By extension, they know me, the boyfriend, Mikasa, the sister, and Armin, the best friend. We often get questions about Eren, and usually, we ignore them. Except when we know that the asker is genuinely concerned.

“He's...okay,” I answer, “He's still recovering. I don't know if he will ever fully recover.”

It's weird being honest with an old lady that I barely knew, but she provided a sort of warm and wise environment that I took advantage of.

“Probably not, dear,” she says sadly, “But he will get better. Whatever he went through won't ever be forgotten, but it's good that you are there for him. He needs you. Although, this must be really hard for you too.”

“A friend of his said it best,” I say softly and she waits for me to continue, “We got it easy. We may have lost our best friends and even him for a time, but he lost so much more.”

“Maybe,” she agrees, “But don't downplay your own hurt. It's okay to be sad about this, Levi.”

“Frankly, Ma'am,” I say, “I'm just happy he is alive. I don't want to be sad about it because I'm grateful that he his here with us.”

She nods.

“That is either very wise, or very stupid,” she tells me after a moment, “But only time will tell.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You really shouldn't get used to me updating so often.


	5. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no self control when it comes to updating.

Somehow, our study group got moved from the library at school to random people's houses. We had a sort of schedule for who had us over.

We met every Tuesday and Thursday and most of the time, we didn't get any work done. We sat and ate and talked about random shit like who was getting laid and who wasn't. Apparently, Eren and Erwin had gone at it quite a few times before calling it quits only to start once more. They were friends with benefits apparently, which was good because I didn't have to hear Erwin complaining about the lack of hot gays in the area anymore.

I finally asked Petra out just before we went on winter break and she said yes, much to Auruo's discontent. He wasn't as much of a dick about it as I thought he would be, though.

Winter break passed with little to know excitement and we started up our new term and started our regular study group session again.

It was one of the times we were over at Eren's place that I started to feel something shift but I wasn't exactly sure what it was at the time.

We were sitting around the kitchen table with our French books out but not doing any work. I had my arm around Petra as per usual while Erwin was eating a whole jar of peanut butter. For some reason, that fucker really loved peanut butter. He had told me once that if peanut butter was a woman, who would feel no regrets by marrying her.

Fucking Erwin.

“Hey, so you and Eren haven't been hanging off each other like these two lately,” Gunter said at one point and both Erwin and Eren looked over at him.

Eren shrugged, not really seeming that all upset but it was Erwin's reaction that made me raise an eyebrow. He had the tiniest trace of a blush on his face.

“Erwin?” I questioned and he put a spoonful of peanut butter into his mouth. Gross.

Eren grinned and leaned forward.

“Erwin met somebody over break so we stopped fucking,” he said conspiratorially and I swear I almost saw Erwin shoot peanut butter through his nose.

“Wait, WHAT!” Hanji shrieked, “You didn't even tell us? You're closest friends in the world?!”

“Yeah, what the fuck, Erwin,” I said sarcastically, “How dare you not tell us every detail of your personal life.”

“Oh, come on,” Erd pressed, “If this person is important enough for you to stop...whatever you had going on with Eren, A.K.A. the cutie with the booty, than it's bigger than just a tiny detail.”

Erd had a point.

“And,” Petra added, “You told Eren and not us!”

“You call me the cutie with the booty?” Eren asked in a wondrous tone, “Fucking awesome.”

“To be fair,” Erwin said after swallowing the peanut butter, “The only reason I said anything to Eren was because I wanted to let him know I didn't want to have intercourse anymore.”

“Can you _not_ talk like a fifty year old evangelist?” I asked, “You can say 'fuck'.”

Eren laughed.

“You should hear his mouth when he's-”

“His name is Mike!” Erwin cut Eren off and we all raised our eyebrows.

“Where did you meet this 'Mike',” Hanji asked, eyebrows waggling.

Erwin sighed but started to speak anyway.

“Well, you know how we went up to Stohess to see our relatives for New Years' right?”

We all nodded and he continued.

“Well, my dad decided that we should check out the college there so we did and I met Mike there and we went out for coffee a few times and then dinner and that's pretty much it. We text a lot now.”

“You forgot the part where he is a law major and you _really_ bonded over that and you text me at four in the morning saying that you really wanna bang this dude but you aren't 'sure where we stand' or whatever. As if you needed my permission,” Eren laughs but I start to notice his ears are turning pink. I'm not sure if anybody else has detected it yet, but I had started to notice that Eren's ears turned red when he was lying.

The whole thing was bothering him a lot more than he let on.

“I was being polite,” Erwin protested but smiled.

“Whatever, man,” Eren said, “Go and fuck Mr. College-Man-Who-Likes-to-Sniff-People.”

“It's more than fucking,” Erwin corrected, “I really like this guy.”

Eren's smile faltered for a second, and this time, Petra caught it. From what I could tell, she was the only other one who did.

“Well, I'm happy for you,” she said sweetly, “And he's in Law? That's what you want to do, right?”

After that, we all started discussing what we planned on doing after high school. Petra wanted to be a nurse, Auruo wanted to go into welding, Hanji wanted to be a biochemist, Gunter, Erd, and I had no idea what we wanted to do.

“What about you, Eren?” Petra asked eventually.

“Oh, um, I want to be a Linguistics major, but I'm not sure what I want to do with it yet,” Eren answered honestly, “That's why I'm taking AP French. Next year I'm going to work on Russian, even though the school doesn't provide it.”

This information surprised me, as it did everyone else.

“Eren...how many languages do you know?” Hanji asked hesitantly.

Eren thought for a second before answering, “Five so far if I include French. I know English, obviously, Spanish, German, Italian, Korean, and I'm working on French. Oh, and I can understand some Japanese, so I guess that's five and a half.”

We were all shocked. I had pegged Eren for an overly angry idiot that played sports, which he was, but the kid was fucking brilliant as well. How many fourteen year-olds in America knew five, almost six, languages?

Erd whistled.

“Damn, Eren,” he said, sounding just as impressed as I felt, “Why didn't you tell us you were smart?”

“Because...I'm not?” Eren sounded confused.

“Bright Eyes, you can speak almost six languages and you don't think you're smart?” I asked, “I don't know about you, but that's more than most people care to learn in their entire lives. Don't say that you aren't smart, kid.”

“But I'm not,” Eren argued, “There is a difference between being smart and being really dedicated. I don't pick this stuff up easily and it's hard to learn. I just work at it almost constantly. Armin could learn six languages while figuring out the cure for cancer in his sleep if he wanted to because _he's_ the smart one. I'm just really, really determined. That's all.”

The kid really didn't believe he was smart and for some reason, that bothered me.

Before anybody else could say anything, the front door opened and there were two voices coming from the hallway before Eren's sister and my sort of cousin, Mikasa, appeared, pulling another boy with sandy hair behind her.

“I thought you guys were going to be at Gunter's today,” she said flatly.

“We were, but then we decided to come here,” Eren answered her, “Gunter was out of peanut butter and Erwin said he needed some to study. What's horseface doing here?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jaeger!” the boy spat at Eren and now that I looked at him, he kind of did have horse looking face.

“Jean and I are going upstairs to make out,” she answered before her tone hardened, “Do _not_ interrupt.”

With that, she left, still dragging the Jean kid, who looked like he had just won the lottery, behind her.

Eren looked torn between disgusted and dazed.

“She didn't just...say what I think she did, right?” he asked in a vacant tone.

“I think your sister is going to get laid with us down here,” Gunter teased.

“No.”

“Hot, sweaty, equine sex,” Hanji cackled.

“No!”

“Imagine the horse children they will have,” I added and Petra elbowed me in the ribs. Fuck, that hurt.

“NO!”

Eren stood quickly, wild eyed and looking angry.

“You better go,” I said, “Quickly before he sullies your sister with his horse cock! Those things can kill people.”

Eren didn't need told twice. He rushed out of the kitchen and we could hear him running up the stairs before most of us started laughing.

“You know,” Hanji said thoughtfully, “Mikasa might actually kill him if he interrupts them.”

“I doubt it,” Erwin said, shoving some more fucking peanut butter in his mouth, “Maim, maybe, but not kill.”

“You should go stop him, Levi,” Petra told me.

“What? Why the fuck do I have to?” I asked, a bit peeved.

“Because out of the group, he's closest to you,” Hanji supplied.

“What about his former squeeze over there,” I said, pointing to Erwin.

“No,” Erwin shook his head, “Eren has been kind of avoiding me since I got with Mike.”

Oh, so the blond oaf  _had_ noticed.

“Levi,” Petra said a bit impatiently and I groaned and stood up.

As I left the kitchen, I could hear them all chanting that I was whipped. Fuck, they were right.

I went up the stairs, expecting a bloodbath, but all I saw was Eren sitting on the couch, staring out the giant window they had upstairs in the second living room.

I went over and sat beside him.

“That bad, huh?” I asked him and he laughed.

“Probably, but I didn't go in,” he said and his tone seemed kind of...sad.

I sat there patiently, waiting for him to speak. He eventually did open his mouth.

“I came up and all I heard was them just talking and laughing,” Eren said, “I've never heard Mikasa laugh that way. I think...I think Jean makes her seriously happy. I mean, I've noticed they've been hanging out more, but I didn't realize...”

I sat back on the couch and looked out the window myself. It was a pretty sweet setup. Both their bedrooms were upstairs along with a special living room all without parents upstairs at all.

“Why do you sound upset instead of happy for your sister then?” I asked bluntly.

“I don't know!” Eren said, exasperated, “I mean, I am happy for her. I really am. But I guess I just wished I knew how she felt. I want someone to treat me the way Jean has always treated her. That bastard has always had a crush on her, and I guess, I just want someone to make me their number one.”

“Is this about Erwin?” I asked.

“No!” he answered way to quickly before sighing, “Well, yeah. Kinda. I mean, I guess I knew we were nothing serious, but...”  
“It fucking sucked to know that you weren't important enough to be kept around,” I finished for him.

He looked up at me and I could see that I had hit the nail on the head.

“Yeah,” he said glumly.

I sighed.

“Listen, Jaeger,” I started and when I was sure I had his attention, I continued, “You're fourteen turning fifteen. Odds are, you aren't going to meet your soulmate in high school. That's just fucking ridiculous to think. Jean not be Mikasa's number one or he might be, who knows. Petra and I might not even last-”

“You won't?” he asked, full of concern.

“I said _might_ , you dumbass,” I rolled my eyes, “We are way to fucking young to be worried about finding the person to make us their number one. And that's all bullshit anyway, because the only person that matters and that can make you number one is you, Jaeger. Yeah, it would be nice to find that person who is going to stick with you and love the shit out of you, but when it comes down to it, finding the one person is more than just feeling those stupid fluttery feelings. You got to find someone who is going to love you, not be _in_ love with you. You could find your 'Mr. College-Man-Who-Likes-to-Sniff-People' in a week or in ten years, but I can guarantee you, that when you do find him, you will realize that there are more important things than being someone's number one. And what the fuck was with the sniffing part?”

Eren laughed.

“Mike has a sniffing kink,” he answered, looking relatively cheered up, which was good, because I was pretty sure I had been talking in circles, but as long as it had made sense to him, that was all that mattered.

“Erwin is into some weird shit,” I said.

“You have no idea,” Eren answered me and I actually managed to look disgusted and Eren laughed again and I think that's when I felt the shift. Something changed in that moment and I couldn't figure out what it was.

I shook off whatever feeling it was for the time being and I spoke again.

“Let's not ever talk about my best friend's sex life ever again, alright?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy writing their past way too much.
> 
> And just a reminder to hit me up at [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com/).


	6. Present

Eren sleeps a lot. Mikasa and Armin sleep too little. Carla and Grisha don't sleep at all.

I feel like I am the only one who is able to sleep normally. Then again, when Eren first disappeared, Mikasa slept the most, largely to forget the pain of losing her brother.

Mikasa and Armin are still in their final month of school before they graduate. On weekdays, either Grisha or Carla are home with Eren, not wanting to leave him alone during the day.

Grisha is a very successful doctor in the community, which has something to do with why Eren was local gossip.

Carla is a preschool teacher. Eren told me once that she had wanted more children, but she had a miscarriage before Eren and Eren himself was a very hard pregnancy. So, for her own safety, they decided not to have any more children.

From the multiple pieces of paper with children's shitty drawings on her fridge, it is easy to see that her students love her.

On Thursdays, like today, both Grisha and Carla worked. That was the reason I requested Thursdays off. Nobody wanted Eren to be alone.

I have a house key, but I still feel awkward about having it. As welcome as the Jaeger's have made me feel, there is just something weird about having another person's house key. Especially when you use it and most everyone is gone for the day.

Eren normally sleeps until noon or one, so I'm usually alone watching TV. At first, I felt weird about raiding their fridge when I was hungry, but after three weeks, I've gotten used to it.

I watch a marathon of Men in Black after checking on Eren, making sure he was alright. His long hair is strewn about his face and I can tell he had a rough night sleeping by the way his blankets are thrown all over. He is sleeping curled up and I brush the hair out of his face and I adjust his headphones so they stay on. I cover him up before I leave the room, looking back one last time.

He doesn't stumble out of his bedroom until twelve-thirty and heads straight to the bathroom. I'm sure he hasn't even noticed me yet. He isn't the most aware person in the morning, so I just smirk and wait.

He comes out a couple minutes later and sits on the couch.

“ _Morning_ , _Levi,_ ” he says.

My eye twitches at his sign for my name. He usually makes up signs for people that are close to him with the first letter of their name. Mikasa's is 'strong'. Mine happens to be short, only done with his finger in an 'L' shape.

“Well, good afternoon,” I reply and he wipes a hand across his face, trying to get the sleep out of his eyes.

He has earbuds in now, so I know he can hear me when I talk, but I still choose to sign. I can hear a faint beat coming from his earbuds.

“Lunch?” I ask and he hesitates before nodding.

“Good, I'm really craving tomato soup and grilled cheese,” I say standing and Eren looks at me strangely.

“What?” I ask.

“ _You just said you wanted grilled trains_ ,” he responds. He spells out the word 'train' so I don't get confused.

I blink and then wrack my brain for what cheese is in sign language.

“Fuck,” I say and hes chest starts trembling and I hear a stuttering nose coming from his nose and I realize he is laughing at me.

“Shut up and just tell me how you say grilled...you know,” I grumble and his smile becomes wider and I decide to forgive him for laughing at me. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him genuinely smile since he was found.

He shows me the sign for cheese, and after I repeat it a few times, we decided to eat said meal.

It doesn't take me long to prepare the soup and Eren helps. He makes grilled cheese much better than I do, so we work in silence. Well, I do.

We sit down and start to eat before I remember something.

“Eren, did you take your meds yet?” I ask and I know the dramatic eye roll is coming.

He sighs heavily and sure enough, rolls his eyes as he gets up and goes to get them.

He takes quite a few of them. I don't remember all of them but most are for his depression, anxiety, and PTSD. He takes some at night to help him sleep too.

When he was first prescribed the medication, he expressed frustration at having to take it. He felt, and I know he still feels this way, that he was no longer normal. He wouldn't ever be himself again and he needed prescriptions to help him not be completely down. He hates the fact that there is something wrong with him that can only be 'fixed' by drugs.

I don't fully understand it, but I do at the same time. He is still Eren, no matter what happens, but at the same time, things happen to your brain that needs correcting. His father had told him several times that it was no different than someone with high cholesterol who needs to take medicine. I don't think Eren believes him.

He comes back to the table and sits down, making a show of swallowing the pills before he angrily attacks his meal.

I don't say anything until he huffs and looks up at me.

“ _You know, you guys don't all need to babysit me. I think I would be able to last a day on my own_ ,” he says, eyes challenging me.

“We aren't babysitting you,” I say calmly, continuing to eat my meal.

“ _Bullshit.”_

I stop eating and look at him. He's angry. I can see it in his eyes but when he feels intense emotion, he tends to mouth the words, even though barely a sound comes out.

“ _It's like you guys don't trust me or something. Maybe I want to be alone and not be coddled,_ ” he continues.

I wait for more, but he is finished. I know that if there is one thing in the world that Eren hates, it's being coddled and treated like a toddler. I wasn't been aware that Eren had felt that way, although, now it seems obvious.

However, I decide to speak my thoughts of why I'm here as often as I can be.

“Eren, I'm not coddling you,” I say, “I don't think anybody else is for that matter either. But...we want to be with you and we don't want you to feel like you are alone. We missed you Eren and we know how precious time with you is after nearly losing you.”

He thinks this over, his anger fading and he looks down.

“ _I'm...sorry for making you feel that way,_ ” he says after a while.

“Fuck, Eren, you aren't making me feel that way. Nobody is,” I respond, exasperated, “I wanted to spend time with you a lot before and that's not going to change. Mikasa, Armin, your mom and dad...they have all been trying really hard not to wrap you in bubble wrap or try to smother you, even if that's what they want to do. But it's natural to want to be around and protect the ones we love, and that doesn't change no matter what happens. Nothing could have happened and we would still be wanting to hang around you all the time.”

Eren is looking at me with a measured look on his face. I can tell he processing my words. I have never been the best with words, but he has always understood what I was trying to say.

He returns to his meal and we both finish up. Just as I stand, I see him looking at me. I am about to ask what he is thinking about when he decides to ask me something.

“ _Levi...do you still love me? Like you used to?_ ” he is hesitant to ask and the question catches me off guard.

I look at him and I can see fear in his eyes and preparation for rejection.

“Eren Jaeger,” I say with conviction, “I still love you wholly and completely. My feelings for you haven't changed.”

He watches me and I can see a faint blush cross his face. The same blush that came when I first told him I loved him.

“Do...you still love me?” I ask, nervousness wrapping around me like a thick blanket.

He rubs his face and sighs.

“ _I...don't know, Levi. I know I love you, but after everything that has happened, I don't know if I can. I just don't know how to go back to the way everything was before..._ ” he stops, starting to breath heavier. I know this is how he gets whenever he thinks about what happened so I step in.

“I understand, Bright Eyes,” I say, sitting down, “I really do. And...don't feel obligated to feel like you did before. If you never do, I'm still going to be around, alright? I never expected you to want to jump back into a relationship with me. But Eren, even if you never love me that way again, I will still be by your side. You are too important to me.”

He looks somewhat relieved at my words and he takes my hand and squeezes it. It's a bit painful to think that he might never love me that way again, but he is alive and healthy, and that is reason enough to stay for me.

We stay that way for a while, not saying anything. At one time, I would have found this stupid and awkward, but now I find it comforting.

He stands eventually, and starts to clear the table with my help and I look forward to washing the dishes. He sees my eager look and rolls his eyes and I know he would be saying 'You are so fucking weird' if he could speak.

I respond with a look that says 'Like you are one to talk' and he grins.

I now have to use two hands to count how many times Eren has smiled.

 


	7. Past

School eventually ended, effectively ending study group. But we still hung out and we became more acquainted with Eren's friends.

I already knew Jean, a hot headed boy that resembled Eren in personality more than either of them would ever admit, and Mikasa, Eren's 'overprotective' sister.

Armin, an underdeveloped boy with blond hair but had wicked smarts. The kid got along great with Erwin and Hanji and the three of them would usually talk for hours about one subject or another.

Marco, Jean's best friend that was way too nice and freckled. Apparently, Jean and him had dated before they realized that they were better off friends.

Then there was Connie and Sasha. Apparently, the two of them _weren't_ together, but they never did anything without each other. They seemed really close and usually roped Eren and Jean into stupid pranks that ended up with the latter two getting in trouble.

Annie, a bored looking girl who never said much except to Armin, who just looked thrilled that the girl was talking to him every time she spoke.

Bertholdt, a tall and nervous boy, and Reiner, whose muscle mass was way more than Erwin's,  _were_ together and we didn't see as much of them as they were always on dates. Apparently, Annie was close friends with them, but I never really saw her speak to them all that much.

Then there was Ymir and her girlfriend, Krista Lenz, whose real name was Historia Reiss, but her and her mother wanted nothing to do with the principal. Nobody ever asked Krista about it and she never volunteered any information. The only one who was allowed to call her Historia was Ymir, who was obviously deeply in love with the small, blonde girl.

They were all interesting people and there was never a dull moment, especially with my dumbass friends added into the mix.

At the end of June, Petra went on vacation with her family, leaving me with a handful of extra time. Not having a job, I mostly hung out with Erwin and Hanji.

It was a particularly hot day for June, and Hanji was over watching TV with me with as much skin exposed as she could get away with. I didn't blame her, it was fucking hot as balls. We had the air conditioning on  _and_ a fan and it was still hot. Hanji was practically melting into the couch.

I felt my phone buzz and lazily retrieved it to see who had texted me.

** Jaeger ** : get over heeeerre and have fun with us

I looked at my phone and wondered if it was worth getting up or not when I got another text.

** Jaeger ** : u can clean my room if you come

And damn it, it was hot as balls, but I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to clean Eren's train wreck of a room.

I stood.

“Come on, Hanji,” I said and she groans loudly.

“Can't you just let me finish my gelatinization process?” she asked, not moving.

“You can finish that at Eren's house,” I told her and she sighed, “And I'm not even sure that is a word.”

“Why?”

She sounded like I had just killed her pet cat and I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Hanji to not want to do anything when I was finally ready to do something. Usually, it was the other way around.

“He wanted us to come and said I could clean his room if I did,” I responded and she groans once more.

“I don't see why you are making me come,” she shrugged, “You are just going to make me clean with you.”

I sighed.

“Fine. Stay here, alone, and _I_ will go to Eren's,” I said, turning around to go get my shoes.  
“Wait, Levi, no! I'm coming! Don't leave without me!”

I rolled my eyes and heard her getting up and following after me.

Hanji already had a car, much to my disgruntlement, so we used hers as she turned up the AC for all it was worth and she blasted Journey songs the entire way there.

Eren had texted me to let me know the door was open and they were all upstairs in his room.

As I started to climb the stairs, I could smell something weird, but faint.

“Do you smell that?” Hanji asks seconds later and I nod.

By the time we are upstairs, the smell was even more potent and I knew it was coming from Eren's room.

“Holy shit,” Hanji hisses, “They're smoking pot!”

I raised my eyebrows and knew she was right. Without any warning, I marched over to Eren's room and threw the door open. Sure enough, Hanji hit the nail on the head.

Eren was in the process of passing a joint to Jean while Connie and Sasha were hanging off Eren's bed, laughing their asses off about something. I felt like I was going to get high just by standing there.

“Levi! You came!” Eren exclaimed, grinning ear to ear, “And you brought Hanji! Great, the more the merrier.”

“What the fuck are you guys doing?” I asked, “And why did you think it was necessary to invite me?”

“Because we want to see you high,” Connie answered, “Jean was all like 'I bet Levi high would be fucking funny' and then Eren was like 'I can get him over here to see' and then Jean was like 'I'd like to see you try' and now, here you are.”

For some reason, Sasha was nearly pissing herself with laughter over the story. Jean looked mildly upset but sucked in a breath on the joint.

I stared at them all before I asked, “Aren't you afraid your parents are going to smell this shit?”

“My parents are on vacation for their anniversaryyyy,” Eren sang.

“Your parents are fucking on vacation for their anniversary,” Sasha giggled and both Connie and Jean cracked up.

Eren made a disgusted noise, complete with the repulsed face and Hanji laughed at him.

“Well,” I said, “I'm sure Mikasa will be _thrilled_ to know what her brother and boyfriend do on their down time.”

Jean and Eren's eyes got wide while Sasha and Connie let out a chorus of 'Oooooohhhh's.

“No, fuck, Levi,” Jean said, starting to panic and I internally smirked, “You can't tell Mikasa. Please, I'll do anything. I'll-I'll suck your dick!”

“Me too!” Eren offered, just as desperately, “Sasha will too. I would say Connie would, but I don't think he knows how to handle dicks.”

“Fuck you, Eren,” Connie grumbled.

“I'm not sucking Levi's dick!” Sasha shrieked, “And I don't have to. I don't care if Mikasa knows.”

“Nobody is sucking my dick,” I sighed.

“Sounds like you and Petra have a lot to work on,” Hanji said and I shot her a glare as the other four howled with laughter.

I ignored them.

“How are you going to get rid of the smell before Mikasa gets home?”

“Candles,” Eren said through his laughter, pointing to his dresser where five were sitting on top.

“Oh yeah, I'm sure Mikasa won't notice anything strange when she comes home and her teenage brother has a Hawaiian Breeze candle burning. Maybe I won't need to tell her at all.”

“Oh!” Jean said as he started to recover, “If you tell Mikasa, we'll tell Petra that you were right beside us smoking too. And Hanji will back us up.”

“No, she won't,” I argued.

“Yeah, I will,” Hanji told me and I gave her a betrayed look. She shrugged.

“I want to try it,” she grinned, “For science.”

I stared at her for a long moment before I groaned. I really had nothing to lose, and if I kept my mouth shut, so did they.

I walked over and sat beside Eren on the floor.

“Fuck you guys,” I said reaching my hand towards Jean, “Give it to me. Let me try.”

Eren talked me through inhaling and holding it before I passed it to Hanji and she did the same thing. I didn't feel anything at first, so I started to think that maybe weed was just one of those things that everyone liked to pretend was working so people thought they were cool. That was until I started feeling super relaxed.

“Look, I told you Levi would smile!” Connie said and they all gathered around me like I was some fucking zoo animal.

“I've smiled before,” I said, half heartedly trying to hide my smile, “Can't remember when, but I've smiled before.”

They all thought that was the funniest thing in the world and I decided that I should become a stand up comedian.

The joint was passed around until it was gone and we all sat, lazily saying things.

“Eren,” Hanji said at one point and when the he didn't respond, she scooted closer to him and repeated his name.

“What?” he said with a dazed look on his face.

“You have a giant zit that I want to pop,” she said, giving him a hard look and I turned to see that she was right.

“You can't,” he said, scooting away from her.

“I can,” she said with a manic look on her face, “Let me pop it Eren!”

“That's fucking disgusting,” I said.

“No! It's cool to see it pop!” Hanji said, pouncing on Eren.

“Get off! You can't get rid of Paul!”

“You named your zit Paul?” Connie asked, seeming impressed.

“Why not Zachary?” Jean asked, “It looks like a Zach. Zach the zit.”

“I already named my massive zit in eighth grade Zach!” Eren yelled, trying to get Hanji off of him to no avail.

“Boys are gross,” Sasha said, watching the scuffle.

“Agreed,” I said, turning my nose up at what Hanji was trying to do to Eren.

She eventually one, getting to pop the zit and after I made her wash her hands, she returned to the group, giggling as Eren mourned the loss of his 'zit friend'.

Eren eventually started talking about Marco and asked Jean if it was cool he went out with him.

“Fuck, Eren, why are you asking my permission?” Jean said, laying down and linking his fingers behind his head, “If Marco wants to go out with you than do whatever you want.”

“But he's your best friend and you dated once. Isn't there some sort of bro code...?”

I watched Eren as he talked, seeing genuine concern in his eyes. While he and Jean didn't always get along, they actually cared about each other, and that in itself was cool.

However, something didn't sit well with me about Eren going out with Marco. The guy was nice enough, but Eren shouldn't be with him.

It kind of freaked me out how invested I was in this particular subject when really, I had no right to be. But it was just that Eren and Marco...it gave me a churning feeling in my stomach and I hated it. I didn't want Eren and Marco to go out and if they did, they would undoubtedly fuck, and that made me a little more upset than I cared to admit.

Then, in my fuzzy and high mind, something clicked.

I was jealous. Not of what Eren had, but that someone else was going to get the chance to be with him.

I fucking liked Eren Jaeger.

In the state I was in, I laughed, but it wasn't the best of times to have a sexual awakening or whatever.

I wasn't gay. I could just recognize that Eren was aesthetically pleasing.

I watched him talk and I realized that it wasn't just his face I liked. He was determined and sometimes a little too angry, straightforward and brash. He cared genuinely and never hid his emotions.

I knew I wasn't gay, but I sure as hell was attracted to Eren.

“Levi?”

I jolted and looked at Hanji, who was the one who had said my name.

“What?”

“You've been staring at Eren for a while” Connie said lazily, “It's freaking us out.”

“I was just listening to him talk about going out with Marco and the bro code or something,” I replied and Eren laughed.

“Levi, that was, like, ten minutes ago,” he told me, “We moved onto Jean's weird toenail and then Sasha said she was hungry so we were trying to figure out what to eat.”

Well, that was embarrassing.

“Spaghetti,” I said, trying to move past my own awkwardness.

“When I was a kid, I used to think angel hair pasta was actually angel hair and I never wanted to eat it because I thought they captured angels and cut off their hair before they did experiments on them,” Hanji said and we all stared at her.

“I used to think that fireworks were criminals put inside rockets and depending on their crime, that's what color they would explode,” Eren provided and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I laughed. A real, laugh.

Everyone else followed suit, but I could see Hanji looking at me, expression calculating. Leave it to her to figure things out when she was high.

“You both were fucked up kids, holy shit,” Jean laughed and I couldn't have agreed more.

It took us about five more minutes to calm down after that. Sasha whined that she was hungry and we decided that maybe we should order some pizza.

We were in the middle of discussing what kind when we heard Mikasa's voice.

“Eren? What's that smell?”

And by the look on Eren and Jean's face, I knew that I should probably start writing my eulogy for the both of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like writing their past. It's so cute and fluffy as opposed to their present.
> 
> I have up to chapter 12 written and I'm still going strong so we are still in business guys. :D


	8. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REALLY NEED TO STOP UPDATING SO OFTEN.

Eren actually seems excited for his friends' graduation. I count that as a good thing.

Mikasa is dressed nicely, even thought it probably doesn't matter since she will have a gown over top of her clothing when she gets to the school.

When we do arrive at the school, everyone is taking pictures and parents are crying. Carla and Jean's mom get several pictures of Mikasa and Jean together before graduation, promising more afterwards.

I wasn't sure how Eren would handle seeing his friends graduate without him, even though it wasn't his fault, but he seems to be handling it well.

“Eren!” someone shouts and we turn to see Armin running up to us.

Armin has definitely grown since freshman year when I first met him. Puberty hit late for him, but now most girls are swooning for him. He is actually a bit taller than Eren now, if only by an inch. He kept his long hair, but instead, he elects to tie it back.

“ _Hey, Armin,_ ” Eren says.

Eren's sign for Armin starts off as the sign for brilliant, but instead of ending with an open hand, he closes it into an 'A'. Funny how I get a sign that mentions how short I am, but Armin gets 'smart' and Mikasa gets 'strong'. At least it isn't as bad as Jean's, which is like the sign for horse, but with a letter 'K' for his last name.

“Hey,” Armin replies, “It's good to see you here.”

Armin smiles genuinely at the both of us.

“ _Of course,_ ” Eren tells his best friend, “ _I wouldn't want to miss it. And congrats on being Valedictorian. I knew you would be._ ”

Armin grins.

“Thanks,” he says bashfully and opens his mouth to say something else, but Carla reminds us that its time to go inside

I can tell that Eren resents not being able to graduate with his friends, but he doesn't say anything. I can see the wistfulness in his eyes as his friends go sit with their graduating class, Mikasa and Armin giving him one last look before they walk away

The thought that a whole year was taken from him by a sick bastard who never even got to face a punishment makes me boil with rage. Eren should be laughing and taking pictures and getting his diploma today.

I'm given a program and I squint at it, not able to make out some of the words.

I feel someone tapping on my shoulder and see Eren rolling his eyes and hands me a pair of glasses towards me. Fucking know-it-all.

“ _You left these at my house the other day_ ,” he tells me, “ _You should wear them or your eyesight is only going to get worse._ ”

“Ugh,” I say but begrudgingly put them on, “You sound like my mother. I don't like wearing them. They are fucking tedious and get dirty easily.”

“ _Maybe, but you look really hot in them_ ,” he replies and I look at him. I can admittedly see clearer, but I glare, knowing that he only said that so I would wear them. I look like a fucking idiot in glasses, especially I only bought the cheapest pair, a set of wide rimmed glasses, because I didn't plan on wearing them that much.

“Bullshit,” I say and he only shakes his head in obvious disagreement.

The ceremony starts and its an hour of boring formalities that nobody really gives a shit about. Eren gets fidgety and I can hear his music get slight louder. He shoots me a glare when I take off my glasses, but I ignore him.

Finally, it's time for the Valedictorian speech and I can tell Eren has been waiting for this. He sits on the edge of his seat like he is watching a football game or something, but it's endearing to see his support for his best friend.

Armin walks to the podium and nervously puts the papers with his speech on it.

“T.S. Eliot once said, 'What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.',” he starts, and I know that Armin put a lot of thought into this speech, but I also know that I can see most of the graduates losing interest, “This is a truth that I-”

He looks over the crowd, and for a moment, I think he chokes, but then he sighs and looks down at his speech.

For a long moment, he says nothing and people start to worry that something is wrong. It's a bit uncomfortable and I look over to see Eren watching his best friend with an indecipherable expression.

Armin looks up with a surprising look of determination on his face and he reaches forward and takes the mike from its stand on the podium before walking away from the podium a bit. The staff on stage look a bit confused but don't move; after all, Armin has always been a rule follower and this isn't exactly breaking rules, but it is a bit untraditional.

“I was going to read a boring speech that I worked months on, but I realized that it isn't at all what I wanted to say,” he says with a clear voice, “It was the typical bullshit about following your dreams and making them happen kind of thing.”  
Eren makes a strange noise with his nose, surprised that his best friend actually swore.

“But, I really want to talk about life in general,” Armin says a bit quietly. He breathes for a second before he starts again, “There was a point where I thought that life was hopeless and it set us up for failure. I knew that life had its high points, but the low points seemed so much longer and more painful. I reached a low point where all I could think of was how the world seemed inclined to make things as difficult as possible for us. The world doesn't care who you are, it will screw you over anyway. The world was messy. The world was unfair. The world was cruel.

“I reached that low point about a year ago. I know a lot of people here did too.”

Eren inhales a breath and I look to make sure he is alright. His hands are shaking and he adjusts his headphones, but his eyes don't leave Armin.

“I told my friend, Mikasa, that I thought the world was cruel. I expected her to agree with me, but I didn't expect what she said after that.

“She told me, 'The world _is_ cruel, but it's also very beautiful'. 

“For her to say that to me, when the world has dealt her more of shit hand than me, frankly blew me away. So, I thought about what she said a lot. About how the world can be so beautiful when it seems like things are going to hell everyday. I pride myself on being able to figure things out, but I just couldn't figure out how she could think that when...when we all lost a lot of important people to us.

“But then I realized that humans are inherently strong. We keep pushing through, no matter how painful it is. We keep fighting.

“My best friend, Eren, once told me, 'You can't win if you don't fight'. Granted, we were nine and playing a game of cops and robbers, but the phrase always stuck in my mind.”

There is some laughter at the last statement and I'm glad Armin is making this a little dark with some humor, but still heartfelt.

“You have to fight for the kind of life you want it to be,” Armin continues, “You can't expect to get anything from the world; you can't expect to win against the world if you don't fight for what you want.

“I think all of my fellow school mates will agree that high school was hard. But, I would like to say that life is so much harder. You can't get anything without giving up something first. Changes take you by surprise, and not always for the better. The world will break you. And not just once, but over and over again.

“But I will say something that not many people think of.

“There is life after tragedy.

“When you are broken, you are left to pick up the pieces of the person you once were and make yourself again, only the next time, you use stronger glue. You become stronger to face what shit the world wants to throw at you. But just because you are broken once, doesn't mean you won't be broken again.

“I once read a quote by Josephine Hart that said, 'Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive'. Because, in the end, that's what we are. Survivors who keep surviving, and I think that is the best thing to be. Someone who cannot survive in this world will not last long.

“When I look at this graduating class, I see people who have been through hell and personally affected by the events of the past year. I see people who have become lost and broken. I see people who want to give up because they see no point in trying to figure out what they want to do with their life.

“But I also see people who have rebuilt themselves to be stronger than they already were. I see the faces of my friends with hope in their eyes even though they have lost so much. I see people looking towards a future. I see survivors.

“All of us will make lives for ourselves. Some of us will go to college, some of us will travel, some of us will figure out what kind of life we want to have. All of us will face different kinds of trials as we live and breathe and fight. Because we are human and our natural instinct is to keep surviving, so we do.

“And now I realize that's why Mikasa told me the world was beautiful. Because people band together to share strength. Because we do have a future worth fighting for and a past that makes it worth it. Because, sometimes, just sometimes, the world decides to give us a miracle.”

Armin looked at Eren then and I could tell that Armin's miracle was Eren coming back to us. Hell, that is my miracle too. If that's the only miracle that ever happens in my life, I will die happy.

“So, class of two thousand fourteen,” Armin says, “If there is anything you take from your time here, it's to remember of the person you once were and to remember that you had to give something up to become the person you are today. Make that sacrifice worth it.”

Armin is done. He crosses back to the podium and puts the mike back in its stand and gathers up the papers he didn't use.

Everyone is silent, digesting Armin's words before I hear Eren stand. I look over and see him start to clap. I am surprised. Eren hasn't been one to want to draw too much attention to himself since he was hospitalized, but here he is, clapping for Armin with a proud look on his face and slightly teary eyes.

More people stand and start clapping before I finally get my ass in gear and stand as well.

It takes a few minutes for everyone to stop clapping and sit down, but I can see that Armin is surprised at how well received his speech was.

They finally get to the diplomas and they start listing off names.

Mikasa was one of the first ones and I can tell that Eren would be hooting and hollering if he had a voice. Armin is the next one of Eren's friends.

I should have expected some bullshit with Sasha, because she comes flouncing up the stage and takes her diploma from Principal Reiss before she reaches in her gown before she throws glitter over the both of them.

Marco and Mina are named and there is a minute of silence for each of them before the next student comes to get their diploma.

Jean collects his diploma and smiles, but I can tell that he is a bit teary eyed. Whether for Armin's speech, or from graduating without his best friend, I figure I will never know.

Krista shakes her father's hand when she gets her diploma, but doesn't look happy about it. I have no idea what the fuck happened between the two of them, but the only one who seems to know is Ymir, who bypasses the principal entirely.

Connie actually hugs the principal before kissing the man on either cheek and pinching his nose before he walked off the stage casually, completely forgetting his diploma.

A few other names are called, like Thomas and Franz, who didn't get the chance to get their diplomas, but before I knew it, graduation is over.

Eren's group of friends find us immediately and all start hugging Eren. They had visited him loads of times in the hospital, but this is the first time they have seen him in casual clothing and a more everyday place.

“Leeeeviiiiii!” I hear and I turn, knowing the voice.

With the force of a herd of elephants, Hanji slams into me.

“What the fuck, four-eyes,” I say, but I'm not as upset as my tone implies.

“I'm back for the summer!” she says excitedly, letting me go, “And I just had to see my favorite underclassmen become alumni! Oh, and Erwin is here somewhere with Mike. And you can't call me four-eyes when you have glasses now too.”

I tear my glasses off my face and Hanji laughs.

“Why the hell didn't you guys let me know you were coming?” I ask, a little peeved that I could have known they were in town.

“It was a surprise!” Hanji tells me and I see Erwin walking up with Mike.

“Hey, Levi,” Erwin greets and I roll my eyes, but I know that he knows I am happy to see him.

“Well if it isn't the gay blond couple,” I say, “Hey, Peanut Butter Dick. Hey, Lassie.”

“You smell that, Erwin?” Mike says offhandedly and Erwin looks at him expectantly, “It smells like repressed positive emotions.”

Everyone laughs and I shake my head. I look over to see Eren watching the conversation with interest.

“Hey!” Connie says loudly, “You all should come to my bonfire at the end of the summer. I've already invited all these losers, but it will be cool to hang out with you guys again. If you see Gunter and the rest, they can come too!”  
Hanji throws an arm around Connie.

“Fucking yes! Party at Avatar Aang's place! I'm in!”

“If there is beer, I'm in,” I say and I look over to Eren to see if he even wants to go.

After a moment of deliberation, he nods and everyone lets out a sigh of relief.

“We shouldn't get too carried away...” Mikasa says hesitantly.

“We'll be fine, 'kasa,” Jean says, kissing her on the temple, “It's the last time we are all going to be able to hang out as a group. It should be tons of fun.”

It is then that parents decide they want pictures of everybody. Even I was in some of them, much to my displeasure, but it was nice to take a picture with Eren again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH this chapter was hard to write and I must have edited it a dozen times and I'm still not happy with it. I'm not good at deep speeches, but I hope this suffices.


	9. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've given up on trying to control my updates.

Petra started to become distant and that continued into the beginning of the school year.

“Are you sure it's not you?” Hanji asked in a maddeningly frustrating tone as if she knew something.

Erwin kept his eyes trained on his homework but I knew he was listening intently.

“I'm sure,” I snapped at her, “The last couple times that I've asked if she wants to hang out or go to a movie, she's made up some shit excuse. And when we _have_ hung out, she seems...disinterested. Maybe, I'm being boring...”

“Do you guys have sex?” Erwin asked, still working on his homework, but Hanji looked expectantly.

I sighed.

“Yeah, we do,” I answered and Hanji grinned.

“And how is that?” Erwin asked.

“Fuck, what is this, twenty questions?” I hissed and Erwin smiled slightly and looked up at me.

“Just answered the question, Levi,” he said and I rolled my eyes.

“It's okay...” I said slowly, “I mean, it's sex. Nothing special.”  
“Nothing special?” Hanji asked, “That's a terrible thing to say about sex with your girlfriend!”

“I only meant that...well...” I didn't know what I meant.

It wasn't exciting or even passionate. At first I think it was, after we got past the awkwardness of it all. We sort of did it because that's what normal kids did. Date, kiss, have sex.

“Levi, do you love Petra?” Erwin asked, his eyes calculating.

“Well, yeah,” I answered, “But what does this have to do with her being distant. Do I not show enough or something?”

“I don't think that's it,” Hanji said, “I think I know what Erwin is getting at, though. Tell us this, when you picture someone to grow old with, have a family, come home to after a long day of work...do you think of Petra?”

And for whatever fucking reason, fucking Eren popped into my head. Shit. I thought that little moment of whatever it was when we were high was just a fluke, but no, here I was thinking of Jaeger when I would swear on my mother's grave I was straight.

“No,” I answered honestly but I didn't embellish on who I did think of, “So...you guys are telling me that she is becoming distant because she can tell that I'm not in love with her?”

“You're half right,” Erwin said, “I think she is becoming distant because she's realized that she's not in love with you.”

There was a pregnant pause as I digested his words.

“Wait, what?” I said eventually, “That's ridiculous. She told me when we started dating that she had a crush on me for...forever. And I really like her, so...”

Hanji and Erwin glanced at each other as if they were agreeing upon something before they both started working on their homework again.

“What?” I asked and they both shrugged, “No, don't do that. What?”

“Nothing,” Erwin told me, “Just...you'll both figure it out.”

As vague as Erwin's answer was, it got me thinking.

I subtly tried to gauge Petra's feelings towards me, but there was really no way of telling from my perspective. In fact, things were getting somewhat...awkward between us. I'm not sure what it was, and I couldn't help but think it was my completely unwarranted and unwelcome thoughts about Eren.

So, naturally, I ended up at his house about a week after I talked to Hanji and Erwin when I should have been avoiding the kid.

I found out that Eren had become quite popular, being on both the basketball and baseball team and being a likeable person. That fucker.

Armin was there too, so he and Eren decided to play Pokemon on their 3DS's. Well, Armin on his own. Eren had broken his somehow and was using Mikasa's when she wasn't around. Bored and with a lack of anything better to do, I started to deconstruct Eren's.

“Where the fuck is Mikasa and isn't she going to mind her using her shit?” I said as I focused on the mess of parts in front of me.

“She's out with Annie,” Eren answered, “But nah, she'll be fine with it.”

“Just like she was last time,” Armin mumbled and Eren shot him a glare.

“What about Petra?” Eren asked and my hands halted their work for a second before I continued.

“She was busy,” I say curtly, “And before you ask, Erwin went up to see Mike this weekend and fuck knows what Hanji is doing. Probably some fucking experiment on earthworms or something.”

“Really?” Armin looks up, intrigued.

“Looks like someone popped a science boner,” I remarked and Eren snorted, “No, coconut head. I think her cousin had a Bar Mitzvah this weekend.”

“Hanji's Jewish?” Eren asked and I nodded.

“All her life,” I told him, “She eats pork and non-kosher food sometimes, but I think that's mostly her form of teenage rebellion. Always feels really shitty after she does though. On Friday nights to Saturday nights, she doesn't do anything because of the Sabbath. Every once and a while, her parents will let her do something though, thank fuck. Staying home every Friday night and all day Saturday...sounds basically what we normally do anyway.”

Eren laughed and Armin hummed in agreement.

“Will she continue practicing Judaism when she gets out on her own?” Armin asked obviously interested.

“Oh, probably,” I said dismissively, “For someone who loves science as much as she does, she is also a deeply spiritual person. You might have noticed that. Erwin, on the other hand, is not. It's hilarious to see those two go at it. She is insanely smart and firmly believes that knowledge is a gift from God and it's a waste to not try to figure out as much about the universe God has given us.”

Armin looked like he disagreed, but he shook his head and thought it over.

“Does that mean she doesn't celebrate Christmas?” Eren asked.

“Nope,” I told him, starting to put the Nintendo back together, “Hanukkah. She says it's better because she gets eight days of presents.”

“Can she speak Jewish?” Eren asked excitedly.

“Jewish isn't a language, Eren,” Armin sighed, “If Hanji could speak something, it would be Hebrew.”

“Oh,” Eren looked embarrassed, “Well, can she speak Hebrew?”

“Yeah,” I answered him and he practically fell off his bed, “I'm sure she could teach you if you wanted to learn.”

“Of course I do!” Eren exclaimed and I suddenly remembered his career goals. I rolled my eyes at his fervor but thought it was precious.

Wait, what?  
“What other holidays does she celebrate?” Armin asked, “Does she get school off for them?”

“Fuck, I don't remember all of them. Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover. There are more but you would have to ask Hanji about them. I've been to a Passover meal at her house a couple times and it's pretty interesting. I'm sure if you ask, she would be more than willing to explain better than I can.”

Armin seemed excited at the prospect of learning something new while Eren just shrugged and continued his game. He was more interested in learning a new language.

I continued to work on the DS as the topic changed to something in their game than to Jean and Mikasa before it landed onto Jean's best friend, Marco.

“So, you actually like Marco?” Armin asked and my head shot up.

“Damn it, Armin!” Eren cursed at something he did in the game or whatever before his brain registered the question, “Um, yeah, I guess. He's cute and really nice. He's a straightforward guy too. He said that he'd love to go to a movie with me and we've been texting for a while n-”

“I think that's a bad idea,” I said before I could stop myself, and as they turned to look at me, I refocused on the broken handheld game.

“Why?” Eren asked, genuinely confused and I was asking myself the same question.

“Because,” I said, pulling a reason out of my ass, “Dating among friends is messy.”

“You had no issue when I was with Erwin,” Eren argued.

“Yeah, well, look how great that turned out.”

It was like the air had been sucked out of the room and I could feel the boiling rage coming from Eren. I cursed myself for saying that but I didn't apologize like I should have. I kept working, close to being completed and I heard Eren flip Mikasa's DS closed.

I had crossed a line and fuck if it wasn't going to bite me in the ass.

“Fuck you,” he spat, “Fuck you, Levi. You are such a damn hypocrite. You are dating Petra, and last time I checked, she was a friend before you started dating.”

“That's different,” I muttered. Damn, I was just making things worse and worse.

“Yeah? How the fuck do you figure that one?” Eren asked, getting angrier. Armin sat on Eren's bed watching the exchange silently.

“I don't have to explain myself to you,” I said, expressionless, digging myself into a deeper hole.

“What the fuck, Levi!?” he yelled and stood crossing the room and he yanked me to my feet. Damn bastard had some strength in him, “You can't just say shit like that and _not_ explain. Why the hell does it matter to you if I go out with Marco or not. Last I knew, it wasn't your job to babysit me.”

“Eren, you're overreacting,” Armin says from his place on the bed and Eren takes a few breaths before stepping away and releasing my arm.

We stand there for a few moments of tense silence before I retrieve the DS from the floor and turned it on. Worked like a charm.

“I fixed it,” I told him blandly, “Now you are free to stop using your sister's. And whatever. Go ahead and fuck anyone who will put their dick in you. It's none of my business.”

Knowing that people got to see Eren vulnerable and submissive pissed me off to no end and I was realizing that maybe I wasn't as straight as I thought I was.

I wanted to leave. I needed to get out of here. Find Petra and make out with her or something before I completely lost my cool. Hopefully she wasn't busy.

“Why the fuck are you angry?” Eren's voice pierced through my inner thoughts, “You are saying all this shit, but it's because you are pissed and I don't understand why.”

Leave it to fucking Bright Eyes to understand that I was insulting him because I was angry. I didn't plan on sticking around for him to figure out why, although, I'm sure Armin had by now, judging by the look on his face.

“None of your damn, business, Eren,” I spat out, “I'm leaving.”

I didn't say goodbye or anything; I just simply left the room, closing the door behind me as I went downstairs, still angry.

“Levi, dear, are you alright?” Carla's voice came as she stepped out of the living room, “You look upset and I heard yelling.”

I rearranged my face to look more neutral.

“Your son just beat me at a game, Mrs. Jeager,” I lied, and there was something about lying to her that made me feel incredibly guilty.

“Oh, well, I hope you aren't leaving because of that,” she said, and even though her face was kind, her voice hinted at disapproval of me leaving for something as childish at losing a game.

“Ah, no,” I lied again, “Petra-my girlfriend-texted me and said that she wanted to hang out.”

Her face brightened and I was struck by how much Eren looked like her.

“In that case, have fun and you should bring more of your friends over more often,” she told me, “Eren loves you guys.”

I pretended that didn't make my heart thump a little bit faster.

I politely said my goodbye and left the house before letting out a groaning sigh.

I had a huge problem and I needed to fix it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jewish Hanji makes me happy.
> 
> On another note, you guys are the greatest! You give such great feedback and I love you all!
> 
> Once again, my tumblr is [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com). Hit me up! :D I also track the tag 'fic: ltw'.
> 
> Edit 6/29: [ltariellapepper](http://ltariellapepper.tumblr.com/) is actually helping me out a lot with the Jewish customs and theology to get a more accurate view of Hanji and I can't thank them enough


	10. Present

Summer seems to pass much quicker than previous years and suddenly, it's already time for Connie's bonfire.

I've only been to Connie's annual bonfire once but just like last time, it's fucking crazy.

Connie's parents always go out of town for some ski trip, although, why the fuck anyone would take a ski trip in August is lost on me.

Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Armin, and I all pull up in my 2005 Sedan that I take great pride in. We can hear music and see the bonfire casting shadows from behind the house and we know that the party has already started, even though we aren't late.

Eren is fidgety but nobody says anything. We had all assured him that he didn't have to come if he didn't want to, but he had insisted.

I park the car and we get out and head around to the back. The music gets louder and then we see the giant bonfire.

People are already drunk and it's only nine. I look over at Eren to see him taking a deep breath but before I say anything, Connie rushes over.

“You guys came!” he exclaims, “Hanji and Erwin and that guy that keeps sniffing everyone are already here. The rest haven't come yet but they said they would.”

“Every year I wonder how you don't get busted for this,” Jean says, eyes wandering over to were the drinks are.

Connie shrugs.

“My dad's a cop and Hannes is on duty tonight,” he tells us.

That makes sense. If Hannes ended up coming to try and break up the party, odds are he would just sit down and join us rather than arrest us for underage drinking. Fucking drunk. Shiganshina's finest at work.

Then again, he was the one who found Eren, so I guess I can't complain too badly.

Armin wanders off to 'mingle' but we all know that it means he wants to find Annie. The rest of us get some drinks before Jean pulls Mikasa away to dance or something. Mikasa gives a worried look to Eren but he shoos her away, rolling his eyes.

“How are you?” I ask quietly. I notice he hasn't drunk any of his beer; it seems as if he just needed something to hold.

He shrugs, not really being able to sign since his hand was occupied.

“Listen, if it gets to be too much, just tell me and we can leave, okay?” I say and he gives me an irritated look.

I sigh.

“I just don't want you to be overwhelmed,” I say and he shakes his head and gives me a thumbs up.

Suddenly, one hundred and thirty-two pounds of excitable energy slams into me.

“Levi! We really don't see each other enough!” Hanji yells into my ear.

“We saw each other two days ago,” I remind her.

“But we used to see each other everyday!” she whines and I can tell she is a bit tipsy.

“That's before you went to college, Shit Specs,” I say.

“I've told you! You can't call me that when you've got these on!” she tells me, tapping the glass on my glasses.

“Fucking perfect,” I grumble, taking them off to clean them, “Now you smudged them. This is why I don't like wearing them.”

“Eren!” Hanji exclaims, ignoring me and throwing her arms around him, almost tripping over herself, “It's so good to see the cutie with the booty again!” she says, squishing her face against his, “It's been forever!”

“Again, Hanji, it's been two days,” I roll my eyes but Eren smiles a bit.

“Come one,” she says, pulling his hand, “Erwin would love to see you guys again.”

We spend a good two hours talking and roasting marshmallows and drinking. Well, except for Eren. I keep an eye on him, noting that he is getting more and more tense as the night goes on.

Eren lets Krista, who always gets pretty rambunctious when she is drunk, curl his hair, to which he looks in a mirror and lets out his version of a laugh and he pretends to fluff the curls.

He looks like he is having fun, but I can tell that he is on edge. Their is a strain in his eyes and a tension in his shoulders that just doesn't leave.

Petra and Auruo make an appearance only to disappear again after ten minutes of heavy making out after Gunter and Erd start rating their kissing skills. It's good to be back around my old friends once more. It makes me feel for just a second that nothing has changed.

Then, Eren hands me his now warm beer. I look up at him as he stands.

“ _I'm going to go to the bathroom_ ,” he says and doesn't even wait for me to reply before he stalks off.

“He shouldn't be left alone right now,” Mike says and I turn to look at him, “He smells...distressed.”

I know Mike is probably right but I don't want Eren to feel like I'm hovering over him.

“If he isn't back in fifteen, I'll go check on him,” I say as nonchalantly as possible and everyone seems to agree.

I give him five extra minutes and he still hasn't returned. I try not to worry as I stand and tell the group that I will be back before I walk towards the house.

I run into Sasha along the way as she is carrying a shit load of hot dogs and hot dog buns. She already has stuffed two of them in her mouth.

“Have you seen Eren?” I ask her and she things for a moment. I learned a long time ago that she is a very forgetful drunk, so I don't hold much hope that she remembers where he is if she even saw him.

She practically inhales her hot dogs before she answers.

“Bathroom?” she says unhelpfully, “I think I saw him go into the bathroom upstairs. Not sure. Want a hot dog?”  
I decline and go inside the house and on my way through the house, I see couples who think they are being discreet about fucking each other around every damn corner.

I climb the stairs and almost knock on the first door when I hear the squeaking of a mattress and decide to ignore that room. I check the next room, but that turns out to be an empty bedroom. I knock on the third door and when I don't hear anything, I try the door handle and find that it opens.

I look around to see that nobody is in the bathroom when I hear a shuddering sigh come from behind the shower curtain. I step into the bathroom and close the door behind me, locking it before I step over and pull back the curtain.

There is Eren, head in his knees, breathing heavily, sitting in the tub. His music is turned up loudly enough that I can hear it through his thick headphones.

I step into the tub and he must feel it because his head snaps up and I see a brief glimpse of fear on his tear streaked face.

I sit down in front of him before I pull him into my arms.

He is having a panic attack and this hasn't been the first one he has had. All of us have found that the best way to handle it is just to hold him and not say anything until he calms down. He didn't like being talked to when he was like this.

He clings to me and cries and I feel my heart break for him. I wish I knew what was running through his mind at times like these so I could make any terrible thoughts he had go away. Some boyfriend I am.

Silent cries have always been the worst, but I know that Eren would be sobbing and wailing if he had the voice to, which is almost worse. I run my fingers through his hair to comfort him, waiting for him to calm down.

It takes a while, and my legs fall asleep in the process, but his tears stop and his sobs cease.

Eren has had this habit to breathe out his words when he is too lazy to sign. The words come out distorted and very quiet and it took me a while to figure out what he was saying when he first starting doing it, but now I can almost always figure it out.

“How did you get in?” he breathes against my neck and I tighten my hold around him.

“The door was unlocked,” I answer him and he sighs.

There is a few beats of silence before he starts again.

“I thought I could do it,” he breathes and I strain my ears so I can make out everything he is saying, “But I'm scared...of everything. He's gone, but there are...more people out there like him. I don't fit in with these people anymore. They don't...understand. They can't. And I don't feel...safe anymore. I don't know if I ever will.”

I sit there, not sure what to say, but I continue to thread my fingers in his long hair.

He eventually tells me that he wants to go home and I agree to take him. I didn't drink when I saw Eren wasn't drinking on the off chance that this would happen.

He stands up and exits the tub before he turns to wait for me to stand.

His green eyes are filled with sorrow and loss and I don't know what I should do to comfort him. But that's not all.

He looks like a man that doesn't know how much longer he can last but is too afraid to call out for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to say that Eren can't even whisper because that involves your vocal chords, so the only way he can talk is to just breathe and form the words with his mouth. But even that's hit and miss because you use your vocal chords to form certain sounds so when he does his breathy speech, it's probably very distorted and very quiet.
> 
> So, if this chapter didn't tear you apart already, let that be your daily dose of pain.


	11. Past

The way I fixed my problem was to avoid Eren. It was a fucking stupid solution, but I did it nonetheless.

So, for the next month, I found excuses to get out of get togethers that involved Eren, ignored his texts, and just in general made sure that I didn't have to see his ridiculous face. Apparently, I had reverted back to middle school and I couldn't seem to man the fuck up about it.

It was more than just my sexuality crisis that made my stupid little crush a problem. It was the fact that I was already in a good relationship. Petra didn't deserve to have a boyfriend pining over someone, let alone another guy. I didn't want to break her heart or make her hate me.

Petra however, didn't seem to notice and was being more clingy to me of the late. I didn't mind. It was as if she had noticed how distant she had been and started to make up for it. Most of the time we were together, we spent our time making out and feeling each other up as if we were trying to prove something. Or maybe that was just me.

We did this for a month. I pretended not to notice Eren, but I found that it just made me want to be around him more. Even when I was with Petra, my thoughts would stray over to the underclassman with bright green eyes.

It was Halloween weekend and the whole group decided to go to 'Halloween Fest' at an old piece of land that used to be a farm. Unfortunately, the whole group included Eren and all of his friends too. Petra convinced me to go and I decided that I could last one night.

However when I got there, I knew it was a terrible idea. Once I saw his green eyes I knew that I was a goner.

“Alright,” Hanji said excitedly, “I really want to do apple bobbing but there is also a haunted house and a haunted hay ride and we should all do those too. Levi you are the best shot so you can do those shooting games and get us all a stuffed animal!”

“Fuck you, Shit Specs,” I rolled my eyes, “I'm not spending my entire evening chained to a stupid booth where they fuck you over.”

“I'm sure you would rather spend it avoiding people instead,” Eren said and everyone became silent. I chanced a glance at him and saw that he was glaring daggers at me.

“Apple bobbing sounds fun, Hanji,” Armin said to break the silence and everyone else quickly agreed.

I didn't look at Eren as we walked and most of the others moved past the awkwardness that had been created and were talking excitedly.

We moved among random booths, playing various games. The group started to fracture off and eventually, Petra and I ended up wandering back to the car, climbing in the back of it and started playing a game of tonsil hockey.

It wasn't until both our shirts were off that Petra put a hand on my chest.

“Wait, stop,” she said and I opened my eyes to look down at her, “What are we doing Levi?”

“I...thought that would have been obvious,” I told her. After all, we were half naked with every intent of getting fully naked.

She sighed and started to sit up. I leaned back and watched as she put her clothes back on again before she looked back at me.

“Levi, I think you know that this isn't going to work out,” she said quietly.

Instead of the dread I thought I would feel at these words, I felt relief wash through me. But still, I ended up arguing.

“Why?” I asked her and she rolled her eyes.

“Because we aren't in love with each other,” she said as if it was the simplest thing in the world, “We love each other, yeah, but I know that you don't like me the way boyfriends usually like their girlfriends and it's the same for me.”

I looked down for a moment, making sense of her words. I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted, but at the same time, something dropped in my stomach as I realized that I had been a dick to the person I did want to be with.

“Levi, I really, really like Auruo,” she said, breaking my reverie, “And I know that you really, really like Eren.”

My head snapped up, eyes frantic as I searched her face and she giggled.

“Is it that obvious?” I asked.

“Levi, I'm your girlfriend,” she said, rolling her eyes, “And I don't even think it would take me being your girlfriend to see that you have been avoiding him for a while but every time you see him, you get this cute dreamy look on your face.”

I groaned and leaned my head against her shoulder.

“I'm not gay.”

Petra actually laughed at that and I snapped my head back and glared at her.

“I never said you were,” she laughed.

“I can see it on your face. You think I'm gay!”

“Well, you do want to date a man...”

“I'm not gay, Petra!” I exclaim and she laughs again.

“Alright, alright,” she concedes, “You aren't gay.”

I could tell she didn't mean it though.

We sat for a moment in silence before I spoke.

“So...Auruo?”

She turned a bit pink before she nodded.

“Yeah,” she answered, “When I went on vacation, I noticed....well, don't take this the wrong way...but I noticed I looked forward to his texts a lot more than yours. Then when I came back, I hung out with him a lot more and I started to notice that my feelings weren't exactly platonic.”

I nodded my head.

“He adores you, you know,” I told her and she nodded.

“I know. Even when we started dating, he never disrespected you or me,” she smiled, “He may try to hard to be cool and seem like a dick, but he is really a nice guy.”  
She sounded completely smitten. It was a weird sort of mutual break up, but at least we understood each other.

“Are you going to tell him?” I asked and she nodded again.

“I have it easier than you do, though,” she said and I looked at her, confused.

“I know Auruo already likes me, but you have been an asshole to Eren,” she said a matter-of-factly and I groaned, knowing she was right.

She took ahold of my chin and raised it so I could see her face. She had a severe, maternal sort of look.

“I don't care if you tell him how you feel tonight or not, but you better apologize, Levi Ackerman,” she commanded, “You understand?”

I would protest, but I know Petra can be downright scary when she wants to be. I knew there was no arguing with her about this one.

I nodded.

“Great,” she brightened, releasing my chin, “Now put your shirt and jacket on. We have people to talk to.”

I did as she instructed and we both left the car. We started to walk back towards the festival in silence.

“Petra?” I said quietly and she looked up at me, “Thanks...for understanding. And for being you, I suppose.”

She smiled at me and I still found her utterly adorable, but I knew that I felt something a little stronger for someone else than I ever did for her.

We got back into the throng of the crowd, looking for our friends when Petra squeezed my hand and pointed. Auruo, Gunter, and Erd were playing that stupid game with the huge hammer.

“I'm...going to go,” she said, “Don't forget to apologize.”  
“I won't,” I assured her and she stood on her tiptoes to give me a kiss on the cheek before she smiled and started towards the group of boys.

I watched as she approached Auruo and spoke to him for a few seconds before the both waved a goodbye to Gunter and Erd and wandered off, probably to find somewhere more private and quiet.

I let out a breath through my nose, knowing that I needed to find Eren.

I must have wandered around that damn place for maybe a half hour before I found Eren with Connie and Sasha in front of a candy apple booth.

I braced myself before I approached. Connie saw me first and tapped Eren on the shoulder and pointed towards me. Once Eren saw me, his face hardened and I faltered before I kept coming until I was in front of him.

“Eren...can we talk?” I asked before my eyes flickered to Connie and Sasha then back to him, “Alone?”

“Oh, so _now_ you actually acknowledge my existence,” he said angrily, “It's a miracle.”

Connie and Sasha shifted uncomfortably before Connie said, “Sash and I are going to go into the corn maze. We'll see you later.”

He took Sasha's hand and dragged her away, leaving me and Eren standing in a very public place, but alone at the same time.

“Can we go somewhere more private?” I asked and he only crossed his arms and pressed his lips together.

I sighed. I should have known that his stubbornness would make this a lot harder.

“I just wanted to say I'm sorry,” I said.

“For what?” he challenged, “For sticking your nose in my love life? And for being an asshole about it? Or are you sorry for ignoring me? Or are you sorry for acting like a complete dick? Or-”

“All of it,” I interrupted, “I'm sorry for all of it. Your love life isn't mine to judge and ignoring you was stupid and I did act like a dick and I'm sorry for all of it.”

He gazes at me, trying to gauge my sincerity.

“What did I do?” he asked and I can see a bit of vulnerability in his eyes and I know that somewhere inside him, he thought he had done something wrong.

“Nothing, Bright Eyes,” I sighed, “I'm just an asshole. You didn't do anything.”

“Then...why?”

I bite my lip. I could tell him why, but I'm not ready. He hasn't even forgiven me yet and this isn't the movies. Me telling him that I like him isn't going to make everything instantly okay. If anything, it would make everything more awkward.

That and I'm a pussy.

So, I lied.

“Petra and I broke up tonight,” I told him and his angry act drops for a second and he looks concerned, “I could tell it was coming and I don't hate her for it or anything, but I think I was jealous that you were finding someone.”

That sounded acceptable, right?

He looked at me before he lowered his arms.

“You still were a dick,” he mumbled and I knew I was being forgiven.

“Yeah, I was, and odds are, I'll be a dick in the future,” I told him, “But do you know how much my ego has gone down by coming to apologize?”

He looked me over before he cracked a smile.

“Fuck, you are such an asshole, Levi,” he said, “You can't even apologize without being a douche.”

Well, I couldn't argue there.

“Just promise me that if something is bothering you about me, just tell me,” Eren said, “I've spent the last month wondering what I did to piss you off and it's been pissing me off.”  
“Deal,” I agreed.

I couldn't tell him tonight. Maybe soon, but not tonight.

However, when he smiled at me, I could feel my heart speed up a little and I knew that I wasn't going to last very much longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These idiots. Just fuck and get it over with.
> 
> Petra gets a lot of shit and I don't know why. It's funny though, because Petra and Levi are my one notp, and I write them together.


	12. Present

“...And then I went to find his sister, who is my cousin, sort of, and tell them we are leaving and I take him home,” I finish as I rinse another dish.

It's been a couple days since the party and I'm back at Maggie Brown's place. It started out with me fixing her VCR before I changed a few light bulbs. I asked if I could do her dishes for her since she seemed to be confined to her wheelchair now and needed all the help she could get.

She had asked about my weekend and I ended up telling her everything, even though she probably didn't care.

She sits in silence before she says, “He is trying to distance himself.”

I look over at her and she nods.

“He is trying to distance himself from his friends because he is depressed,” she tells me, “He probably wishes he had died back with the rest of his friends. He is scared that it could happen again, but he hates himself for surviving.”

What she says makes me feel like I've just been hit by a train.

“No...that's...Eren's a survivor,” I say dumbly, “He fights to live.”

“Listen, Levi dear,” she says, but not condescendingly, “My husband had severe depression and PTSD when he came back from war and I'm sure my Moses would have had the same if he had the chance to come back. I'm not trying to worry you, but it's only a matter of time before he tries to distance himself away from his parents, his sister, and even you. My advice is to not let that happen. He is recovering, but I suspect that there is going to be quite a bit of road bumps before he actually starts getting better.”

I slow my work as I think over what she is saying. This is something I like about Mrs. Brown. She has been through shit herself and she isn't going to tell me that everything is going to be alright now that Eren has been saved. She knows, but she doesn't treat me like I know nothing.

“What was your son like, Mrs. Brown?” I ask.

“Maggie,” she corrects, “But he was a free spirit. Joined the army for the wrong reasons. I told him, 'You don't have to be like your father' but he was so intent on it. Too many young men try to be their dads even if they don't know it.”

That thought scared me. I wanted to be nothing like my father.

“But, I think what he really wanted to do was see the world, which he was a idiot for. That's not a good reason to join the army either. His father and I could have paid for it if that was what he really wanted.

“But...I suppose you remind me of him. You have a heart like he did, even if you don't like to show it. You love really deeply. I'm sure your mother is very proud to have a son like you.”

I am embarrassed and I don't know how to respond and I return to the dishes. I don't know why her approval means so much to me, but I find that it boosts my self esteem slightly.

“Eren wants to see the world,” I say before I can stop myself, “He always wanted to see the ocean with his friend Armin. If I had the money, I would take him to Belize. My mom says it's nice there.”

“Oh it is,” she responds, “Beautiful. The water is so blue and the locals are very friendly. I must have gotten several marriage proposals when I was down there, much to my husband's irritation.”

She chuckles and I smile. I forget that sometimes, other people have lives to that have nothing to do with mine. Maybe that is an egotistical thought, but it's comforting to be reminded that people have been living decades before me and there are people who will live decades after me.

She starts coughing and I ask her if she is alright but all she does is reach for her water.

“Now, you said that his sister is your cousin?” she asks after she recovers and I can see her mind working. My mind is diverted from he coughing fit.

“Um, yeah,” I answer. Mikasa's story wasn't a pretty one, but I figure that Mrs. Brown is safe to talk to.

“Her dad and my dad were brothers,” I tell her, “But when she was nine, her parents and her got into a really bad accident.I'm not sure if it was a car accident or something else. It was a weird situation that nobody except her knows the real story. She survived, but her parents weren't so lucky. Somehow, Eren's family adopted her.”

There was more to the story, but Mikasa and Eren never expanded on it. I asked Eren about it once, but he had told me it wasn't his place to say, which was strange because Eren doesn't have a filter, so it must have been pretty serious.

“Why didn't she come to live with you since you are the closest living relatives?” Mrs. Brown asks and its a fair question, but I stiffen.

“My dad...wasn't a good man,” I say, focusing to intently on the dishes, “He was never around, thank God. And there was something about wanting Mikasa to be in a stable home and my mother couldn't provide that with just her.”

“That's ridiculous,” Mrs. Brown says and I have to agree, “Your mother seems to have raised you very well, despite raising you alone.”

“I like to think so,” I tell her, thinking of all the times my mom has gone without something because I needed something more. It hasn't been until recently, when she got her Accounting degree and started to work at H&R Block, that we had actually had more money, “But I think growing up with Eren was good for her.”

It's silent for a couple minutes and I finish the dishes. I decide that I probably go back to my job and tell Mrs. Brown just as much.

“I should say so,” she laughs, “One of these days, your boss is going to fire you for wasting company time.”

“I wouldn't worry so much about the owner of the place,” I tell her, “It's the manager that I worry about. Nile is a prick.”

She doesn't scold me for language but she does shake her head.

“Well, if you want to earn money to take you boyfriend on a trip, I suggest you get back to work,” she tells me and I nod before I gather up my things and she pays me, tipping me more than necessary.

“For cleaning,” she says, just like she says every time.

For a minute, she looks as old as she is and I suddenly worry for her. She has been more subdued lately and coughing more.

But before I can ask if she's alright, she shoos me out of her house and I have nothing left to do than to get in the car and go back to work.

'Recon Electronics' isn't exactly the first name I would pick for a electronics store, but it was easy to remember, especially since everyone just called it 'Recon's'.

Fortunately, both Farlan and Isabel are working today. Unfortunately, Pixis isn't and Nile is.

“That was an awfully long house call,” he says, once I step into the store, voice dripping with suspicion.

“Yeah, it's harder to fuck older ladies when they are in wheelchairs, but I manage to get it done,” I reply and I hear Izzy snort as she is restocking.

“Ackerman, you need to learn to speak with a little more decorum and make house calls faster,” he spits, “We don't pay you to slack off.”

I sigh and take my bag to the back and he follows me.

We each have our own little cubicle where we work on various electronics and mine is covered in shit, which I know isn't how I left it before I went to Mrs. Brown's.

“What the fuck is this?” I ask, eyes narrowing at Nile.

“That's the work that piled up for you while you were having your playdate,” he responds smugly, “Can't have sales going down just because you decide that you don't want to do your job.”

I hear Farlan sigh from his cubicle and I know that he is biting his tongue.

I however, have not mastered this concept yet.

“Wow, Nile,” I say sarcastically, “It looks as if you have more wispy hairs on your chin than brain cells because maybe if you had actually looked at the sales, you would see that they have gone up quite a bit since I started working here and having 'playdates'.”

“It's true. Pixis even says so,” Farlan agrees and I'm glad he has my back on this one.

“Next time, why don't you actually do some work instead of seething about how you don't think I'm doing my job well enough,” I say before I sit down and look over at everything, “Did you even catalog all this shit or are you going to leave me to figure out what the fuck is wrong with it?”

Nile huffs and stalks away, obviously wanting to leave me screwed. He didn't even write down the names or numbers of the people who dropped each item off. How did this guy become a manager again? Oh, right, he has an IT degree and never lets us forget it.

“Levi,” Farlan says, and I look up to see his head popping over the top of the cubicle wall, “Izzy wrote down everything while Nile had his head up his ass. The notes are in her desk, third drawer down.”

I stand and go to where Farlan directed me and find them.

“You guys are lifesavers,” I sigh in relief. This makes my job ten times easier.

“I can help you too,” he responds, “He kept insisting that you needed to learn a lesson, so I've had nothing to do all day. Izzy complained about it and that's why she is stocking right now.”

I smirk. Classic Isabel.

“Alright, let's get this shit done,” I say.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Follows tradition and makes Nile a douchebag*
> 
> YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME WITH ALL YOUR COMMENTS!!!! I love you all so much!!!!
> 
> I'm...excited about the next chapter and to see all of your reactions. For no reason whatsoever though. *Whistles innocently*


	13. Past

I may have had a disdain for unnecessary messes, but I was still a teenage boy. And sometimes, some messes _were_ necessary and unavoidable.

Which is how I ended up half naked in my bed, fisting my hard on.

I had started out by trying to watch some gay porn. I mean, I had never really watched it before, but I figured that since my fucking crush on Eren wasn't going anywhere, I might as well try and get off on it.

That didn't work because seeing those guys take it in the ass made me softer than melted cheese.

At first, I was worried because maybe I really wasn't into Eren. I mean, I knew there could be relationships without sex, but that wasn't really something I would want to do without.

But then I started to imagine Eren kissing me, letting me slip my tongue inside his mouth as his hands wandered up my body. He moaned, the vibrations jolting through my mouth and going straight to my dick.

His hands wandered underneath my shirt and mine fisted in his hair, holding tightly until he lifted my shirt over my head. I tried to kiss him again but his lips attached themselves to my neck and I shivered as he nipped my Adam's apple.

“Eren...” I breathed and he looked up at me with those fucking gorgeous eyes.

“Levi, I want you,” he told me and I claimed his lips ferally, pushing him back into the bed, straddling him.

I got his shirt off and I kissed every inch of his exposed chest. He rumbled appreciatively and threaded his fingers in my hair as my lips got closer and closer to his groin.

I finally reached the top of his pants and I looked up for approval and he nodded, face flushed.

I undid his is button and zipper and he wiggled his hips to help me as I pulled his pants and underwear down and got his legs out of them.

He was completely naked beneath me and I saw his cock twitch with need as his lust glazed eyes looked me over.

I had never sucked a dick, but it was my fantasy, so I imagined that I'm a fucking pro at it. I dipped my head down and licked the top, swiping off a bead of bitter precum before I placed my lips over just the head and sucked.

Eren threw his head back and moaned deeply and that spurred me on to take more of him into my mouth. Once I felt the head hit the back of my throat, I pulled off to catch my breath before I toke him into my mouth again.

I fumble with my own pants and pull them off to start touching myself. I took Eren down to the base, well-trimmed pubic hairs brushing my nose as I inhaled his scent and taste his skin. He smelled and tasted faintly of soap so I know he washed for me, which turned me on more.

I swallowed and Eren moaned my name.

“Levi, fuck...you're so... _good_.”

That simple praise shouldn't have effect me the way it did but I started bobbing my head up and down, as I pumped myself in rhythm.

Eren's fingers tightened in my hair and his breathing became more labored. He started to buck unconsciously into my mouth, whining and moaning, getting louder and louder every time I brought my head down. My throat was burning and my eyes were watering, but it was worth it to feel him writhing beneath me. I stroked myself faster, moaning around him and feeling myself get closer and I could tell by the way Eren was practically screaming that he was too.

“L-levi...I'm gonna...” he keened and I tapped his thigh to let him know it was alright.

He spilled into my mouth, and I swallowed, still working my mouth to get him through his orgasm. My hand was moving faster and faster as I heard him breathily moan my name and then...

My body was white hot and I came with Eren's name on my lips, pumping myself for all I was worth. Every part of me was tingling with electricity and my toes curled, letting the pleasure wash through me like a much needed drink after running a marathon.

My hand started to slow and and I realized that I had cum all over my hand and part of my stomach. I wasn't going to lie, that was my hardest orgasm in while and I wondered what it would be like if I actually was with Eren. I wouldn't fool myself into thinking that it would be anything like my fantasy, but maybe he could make me orgasm just as hard.

I caught my breath before I grabbed some tissues to clean myself up before I decided to just change out of my shirt and put on new clothes, but the other ones in the hamper. After doing so, I washed my hands before I went back into my bedroom, making sure that I had kept the mess contained.

I saw that my phone was blinking and unlocked my phone to see that my mom had texted me, which was weird because she was downstairs watching TV.

 **Mom:** _Dinner is ready! :)_

The text was sent no more than five minutes before and once I made sure that I looked presentable and not like I had just jacked off, I went downstairs.

My mom was in the kitchen, getting a salad together and to my horror, Erwin was there, helping her.

“Oh, hello dear! I would have had you come down sooner, but Erwin said you were a bit busy,” she said cheerfully, but I know she is mocking me, "He came over to hang out, but we've been chatting while you...finished up."

“Oh my God,” I said, turning completely white as I looked over at Erwin, who, to his credit, was keeping a completely straight face.

“It's nothing to be ashamed of, Levi. I would be more concerned if you weren't-”

“Oh my God, Mom, no,” I interrupted , horrified. I couldn't belief this was happening to me.

My mom pressed her lips together in obvious sadistic amusement.

“I'll go and put the salad on the table,” she said, “You are welcome to join us for dinner Erwin.”

She left the kitchen and Erwin and I stood in silence.

“So. Eren, huh?” Erwin said and my eyes snapped to his and I could see the same look my mother had given me in them.

I wasn't one to ever be melodramatic, but I wanted the earth to swallow me whole right then. This was something I had never wanted to experience.

“Holy shit, you fucking pervert,” I spat, going defensive, “I don't stand out your door and listen to you get off.”

“To be fair, Levi, you weren't exactly quiet,” Erwin said offhandedly and I couldn't believe we were having this fucking conversation.

On the other hand, I had always thought of myself as a quiet lover. I would have to ask Petra about my noise levels in bed.

Erwin sighed.

“It's not like I didn't know anyway,” he said, “Hell, everyone has noticed that ever since the Halloween Festival, you two have been really...chummy. Even Auruo has noticed.”

I groaned. If Auruo had noticed, than I must have been really obvious. I prided myself on being really discreet about my emotions. But apparently, when it came to Eren, I wore my heart on my sleeve.

“Shit,” I cursed, rubbing my eyes.

“I think the only one that _hasn't_ noticed is the object of your affections,” Erwin told me and I felt relief wash through me.

“I'm not gay,” I told him.

“But you just jacked off to the fantasy of sucking somone's dick,” Erwin said and I gaped. How the fuck did he know that?

He shrugged.

“Like I said, you aren't exactly quiet,” he said just as my mom came back into the kitchen, effectively ending the conversation.

* * *

 

Eren and I texted and started Skyping a lot more than normal boys who just wanted to be friends usually would. I found that even if I saw him at school, seeing him on a more personal level was something I craved.

He had less time to talk when basketball season rolled around, but we still found time to text each other. I realized what Erwin had said about me being very obvious, but surprisingly, nobody even so much as teased me, not even Hanji. It was as if they could all understand that I was going through a weird sexuality crisis that only had to do with Eren himself.

I found myself looking forward to our daily Skype sessions where normally, I would put off homework while he would work on his Russian. A lot of the time, it was just us sitting in silence until one, or both of us, would fall asleep.

“So how are things with Marco?” I asked at one point and he looked up at me before he blushed.

“Uh...Marco and I...decided that it wasn't going to work out,” he said nervously and I wondered why.

“Oh?”

I tried not to betray my glee in my tone.

“Y-yeah,” he said, “I kind of like someone else.”

I raised my eyebrows and waited for him to continue but he went back to working on his Russian translation.

“Well, are you going to tell me who it is?” I pressed.

“No.”

That answer took me aback, especially since he didn't even look at me.

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because the last time you found out who I liked, you went batshit crazy and stopped talking to me.”

Well, damn, that hurt. But then again, it was very true. I supposed I deserved that.

I wanted to tell him why and tell him how I was a complete heterosexual who thought that butterflies in the stomach was a product of indigestion before I met him. But I didn't.

“You have a point,” I conceded, “But I still think you should tell me who it is.”

“Only if you tell me why you and Petra broke up.”

Well, shit. As badly as I wanted to know who his crush was, it wouldn't be worth it. I would be telling him I liked him while he would be telling me that he liked someone else.

“Petra liked Auruo so-”

“Oh, that's bullshit, Levi,” Eren sighed, “I mean, that's partly true, but I _know_ you Levi. I know when you are lying and there is another reason.”

I bit my lip, considering telling him that I just had someone else I was interested in, but that would bring another barrage of questions.

I sighed.

“Whatever,” I spat, “Good luck with your new crush. He would be an idiot not to have you.”

He looked up at me and opened his mouth before he closed it again. I watched him with a disinterested expression and he blushed again and looked back down.

“Thanks, Levi,” he mumbled.

We went back to our respective 'work', talking every once and a while before I got up to take a shower. He usually took showers in the morning, so I didn't nag him about it.

When I came back, I found that he had laid down in his bed and had fallen asleep, having waited for me to get back like he usually did.

I let myself smile and brought my laptop from my desk to my bed, setting it down beside me as I laid down as well. I found it comforted me that even if he wasn't here physically, he still was here, even if that didn't make any sense at all.

I watched him heave deep breaths, eyes twitching in his sleep and he looked so... _adorable_. It made my face burn to know that I had been jerking off to someone who looked so innocent while he slept.

The last thing I did before I fell asleep was reach over to my keyboard and take a screenshot of him and save it into my creepy stalker folder filled with screenshots of Eren.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the poorly written smut. I'll do better next time hopefully. :3


	14. Present

Mikasa decided to go to the local community college in town for physical therapy. Jean is going to Stohess, same as Erwin, saying that it was where he and Marco were going to go and is undecided as to what he wanted to do. Armin stayed in Shiganshina, but commuted to the state college about half hour away. After the whole Eren ordeal, Armin had taken a great interest in vocal chords and decided to study to become a doctor to see if there was a possible way to help mute people.

There is something sweet about Armin caring so much about Eren. I suppose it is to be expected seeing as Armin and Eren have been friends since birth practically. Things affected Armin just as deeply as it did for the rest of us.

Before Jean leaves, he pulls me and Armin aside.

“Just...look out for Mikasa, alright?” he asks and I try to figure out why he doesn't think she can take care of herself.

He sees my look and he continues, “She's strong, really strong, but she spends most of her time worrying about Eren and making sure he's alright that she doesn't ever think about herself. Especially now that she is going to be going to school, it's going to wear her out but she won't say anything. I get it, I really do, but just make sure she is okay. For me.”

Armin puts his hand on Jean's shoulder and smiles.

“Of course we will Jean,” he answers, “We know how she can get.”

Jean looks a bit relieved and it strikes me that he must really love Mikasa. I have a feeling that he probably wouldn't be leaving if it weren't for his plans with Marco. It was like some promise he had to fulfill for his friend.

After a prolonged goodbye between the couple, to which Eren rolls his eyes and makes a gagging gesture, Jean gets in his car and starts his five hour drive to his new home for the next couple of months.

The next week, both Armin and Mikasa start their first week of classes.

I can feel Eren shifting on the inside, knowing that he should be going to college too. Instead, he seems like he has no direction or even motivation.

It's hard, of course, considering that the one thing he had been passionate about had been taken away from him.

His mother tries suggesting things he can do, and even takes him to her preschool once or twice. I try and take Mrs. Brown's advice and tell him we should start taking judo, but he seems to start resenting every suggestion that we come up with.

I know that nobody expects him to recover quickly. It's been little over a year since he was first taken and it is coming up on the year anniversary of when he was rescued. We all knew that this was going to be tumultuous.

Ever since the party, however, Eren has been more bitter and withdrawn, which worries all of us. I had already explained what had happened, and even though Carla and Grisha disapproved of the party, they expressed their relief that I was there and could bring him home.

He does, however, spend most of his time reading. He reads everything, in every language he knows. I am happy that even if he can't speak, he is using his language skills.

Every Wednesday, he has his weekly therapy sessions with a specialist. He doesn't ever say much about them, except for the fact that he hates them. He says that his therapist, a woman named Rico Brenzska, isn't so bad, but I know that he dislikes feeling like he needs help.

I get out of work earlier than usual this Wednesday so I decide to go over to the Jaeger's house. Only Mikasa is home and she is upstairs watching TV when I come in.

She doesn't question why I'm here even though Eren isn't here. She just nods her head in acknowledgment as I sit down.

“No classes today?” I ask, even though I am positive she has classes everyday now.  
“I had them earlier today,” she answers.

I notice that she has dark circles under her eyes and I know she has been stretching herself. I may not be particularly close to her, but I do worry about her. Like me, she doesn't really show emotion in the same way that most people do. Must be a family trait.

“We don't go running anymore,” I say and she turns to look at me, observing me carefully.

“No, we don't,” she agrees and I can tell she is wondering why I'm bringing this up.

“Do you go by yourself now?” I ask.

“No, I don't have the time anymore, really. I work out at the gym when I get the chance,” she answers and returns her attention to the television.

She's been wearing herself out with looking after Eren and school. Jean is right. She doesn't look after herself as much as she should.

She yawns and I sigh.

“You should take a nap or something before Eren gets home,” I tell her, “You look like shit.”

She glares at me before another yawn ruins it.

“Seriously, I know you aren't getting enough sleep,” I say, “It's unhealthy.”

She chews on her bottom lip before she decides that I was probably right. She stood and starts toward her bedroom before she turns towards me.

“Wake me up when Eren gets home,” she says severely but it doesn't bother me in the least and I give a noncommittal grunt. She apparently realizes this is the most she is going to get from me and goes into her bedroom and closes the door.

It isn't long before I hear Carla and Eren downstairs as they come home. Carla chatters on and there is silences where I know Eren is speaking to her. The silences weigh on my mind, knowing that Eren would love to be using his voice to talk to his mother.

Eventually, I hear him climbing the stairs and he stops when he sees me.

“Hey there, Bright Eyes,” I say and for some reason, he frowns. I try not to feel hurt.

“ _Where's Mikasa?_ ” he asks.

“She's sleeping,” I say, “We probably should leave her alone for a while. She looks like she needs some rest.”

He gazes at me and it looks like something inside of him breaks, although I'm not sure why.

“We can watch some TV together if you want,” I say, and for some reason, I feel like I'm grasping at straws to keep him with me, “Or if you want, we could call up Armin and do something.”

He looks at me and I know his answer before he gives it.

“ _No_.”

And with that short and simple word, he turns to go to his own room.

Before I know what I'm doing, I'm out of my seat and across the room with my hand grasping Eren's wrist.

“Eren...” I start, but I don't know how to finish. At the party, I thought we would become closer, but it has just been the opposite since then.

_He is trying to distance himself._

Mrs. Brown's words come to my mind. I didn't realize that when she spoke them that they were actually going to be true, but now I was here, watching Eren box himself up.

_Don't let him._

“Eren,” I say again, “Don't shut me out. Please.”

I watch him. I feel so vulnerable saying the words, but it's one of those few moments that I don't care that my emotions are laid bare in front of him. I can't afford to lose him again.

His face softens and I see barely concealed pain in his eyes. I want to reach up and cup his face, but for some reason, I know that if I do that, he will pull away.

Instead, he closes his eyes and breathes before he pulls his arm out my grip. I don't hide the shock and hurt on my face, but instead of walking away, he takes my hand in his and squeezes it.

I feel relief bloom in my chest, knowing that he is willing to accept me and not push me away. Not completely at least.

“Eren...I know you want to be left alone,” I say quietly, “But can we still do something? I don't care what...but I want spend time with you.”

We are standing on opposite sides of a precipice. I've only been given enough tools and man power to make it halfway across and I've done so, but Eren stands at the other, tools in hand but looking down at how far the drop is.

However, he looks up and takes a hammer, ready to start his own side of the bridge as he nods and squeezes my hand once more, and this time, I smile and squeeze his hand back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I know what an analogy is! It's like a thought...with another thought's hat on."
> 
> Seriously thought that last line was...just what am I doing.
> 
> I'm finding that the past chapters are so much easier to write. I wonder why that could be...
> 
> My tumblr is [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com) and I track the tag 'fic: ltw'.


	15. Past

Christmas, as well as my birthday, came quickly and went just as fast. My friends must have all gotten together and decided that a shit ton of lube and condoms would be appropriate gifts. At least I wouldn't run out in the next thirty years.

My mother bought me new cleaning supplies which made me abnormally happy for a seventeen-year-old boy. It was Eren's gift that really made my birthday worthwhile.

It was Emperor's Tencha tea, something I had only had once when I was very young and had wanted for a long time, but it was too damn rare and expensive to get. I had mentioned it once to Eren during a Skype conversation and I think it was in passing.

When I opened my gift from him, I swear I almost confessed my feelings for him right then and there.

Instead, I schooled my face and glared up at him.

“Eren, this was way too expensive for a Christmas present,” I said.

He looked thoughtful for a moment before he nodded.

“You're right,” he shrugged, “I guess I will have to make it your birthday and Christmas present. Sorry you won't get a proper birthday present from me.”

I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell him to fuck off or to fuck me. I chose the former before I carefully brewed enough for the two of us and it was every bit as wonderful as I knew it would be. Eren, however, killed the flavor with a copious amount of sugar and I decided then that he would never get any of the precious tea. Regular tea, maybe, but not my Emperor's Tencha.

New Year's steadily approached and I had a tradition where we all went over to Erwin's place since his parents always decided that they wanted to bring in the new year banging in a luxury hotel room. We tried not to think about it.

I casually invited Eren, but it turned out he always hung out with his friends for New Year's. I pretended not to be disappointed about it.

I met Mike for the first time and found that Eren wasn't lying when he said that the guy had a sniffing kink. Not only that, but he was taller than Erwin the giant.

I go for a fucking normal greeting of shaking hands but he decided to step in towards me and leans down and takes a deep whiff of me.

He stood up and thought for a moment as I looked at him for some sort of fucking explanation.

He doesn't give one, just smiles and nods and I think Hanji busted a gut from laughing so hard at my bewildered expression.

We continued the night by playing Monopoly and drinking, which I never understood why we let Erwin play since he _always won_ , but it was fun nonetheless.

Hanji suggested playing Spin-the-Bottle, but since most of us were straight men, myself included, and the only ones who weren't were together, we shot her down.

“But what if I spin and land on Petra?” Hanji asked with waggling eyebrows.

We all thought about it for a moment before Erwin and I got unpleasant chills but Auruo looked over at Petra with a hopeful look. He ended up getting pelted with Monopoly pieces after that.

It was about eleven thirty before Petra clapped her hands together.

“We should all say our New Year's resolutions!” she suggested and there were murmurs of agreement.

“I want to pass my Calculas II class,” Mike said first and I was realizing that he was a man of few words.

“I want to cut back on eating so much peanut butter,” Erwin said and we all rolled our eyes.

“That was your resolution last year,” Erd pointed out and Erwin shrugged.

“I'm going to try it,” Erwi said resolutely and I knew all of us were thinking back to last January when he went through peanut butter withdrawl.

“I want to start on getting my aviator license,” Gunter said. We all knew for a while that he had been wanting to learn to fly a plane. His goal was to fly commercial airlines, but he wanted to start somewhere.

“I want to get a girlfriend,” Erd provided.

“I want to get pregnant,” Petra piped up and Auruo bit his tongue while the rest of us stared at her with wide eyes.

Petra and Hanji started laughing hysterically.

“I told you...their faces would be awesome,” Hanji said through her laughter, “I knew they would be good.”

Petra couldn't even talk she was laughing so hard.

“Holy shit, Petra,” I sighed, feeling relief wash through me, “I thought you were serious.”

“Way to give us all a heart attack,” Erd agreed.

“I do think you broke Auruo though,” Erwin pointed out and we all looked at the frozen boy with wide eyes and a bleeding tongue. Petra immediately snapped into action, getting tissues and cleaning him up.

“Don't ever do that to me again, Pet,” he said eventually and she fucking giggled.

Hanji continued snorting until Petra said her actual resolution.

“I want to get CPR certified,” she told us and that seemed like a reasonable thing to want, especially since she wanted to become an RN.

Hanji shrugged and merely said, “I want us all to be together like this next year.”

Then, it was my turn.

“I want to clean more,” I said and everyone groaned.

“Make a more interesting one!” Hanji insisted.

“Erwin is allowed to have not eating peanut butter but I can't have clean more as mine?” I argued and Petra shook her head.

“That's because you have something more important over your head,” she said.

Eren. Of course it would fucking come back to him.

“I don't know what you mean,” I lied and they all rolled their eyes.

“Why can't you just admit that you like Eren?” Erd asked, “It's not like we are going to hate you for it.”

I sighed. It wasn't as if I was afraid they were going to hate me. Just for some reason, them knowing and saying it out loud made it that much more real.

But in the end, weren't my feelings for him real anyway?

“I...want to date Eren for my New Year's resolution,” I mumbled and I was immediately met with loud cheers and whooping.

“That's the spirit!” Hanji yelled, “I think we should drink to it. We're going to make this happen!”

We all raised our glasses and took a long drink for good luck.

We turned the TV on and actually counted down as we brought in the year of two thousand and twelve.

We all stayed for a while longer, but when Mike and Erwin started to get handsy, we decided it was time to leave.

I didn't live far from Erwin, so unlike the others, I didn't have to call a taxi or have a parent pick me up. I told everyone goodbye and walked home, pulling my coat tighter around me.

I came home to an empty house since my mom had decided to go to a work party and wouldn't be back until a bit later. I tried to find something to watch on TV, but there was nothing really, so I went up to my room and got on the computer. I saw that Eren had Skype messaged me at midnight.

** Eren Jaeger: ** _ happy new year, Levi! i knew you would be getting bombed with texts, so I figured that this would be the best way to actually wish you a happy new year :) _

I rolled my eyes. The only text I would have cared about if I was being honest with myself.

** Levi Ackerman:  ** _ happy new year. Don't get too drunk tonight.  _

It wasn't nearly as sincere as I had wanted, but at least I responded.

I fucked around on the computer some more before I heard my mom come through the front door. It wasn't long before she knocked softly on my door and I called for her to come in.

She peeked in and smiled at me.

“Happy New Year, Levi,” she said cheerily.

“You too, Mom,” I responded and she nodded and stood there for a moment.

“What?” I asked and she chuckled.

“Did you kiss anyone into the New Year?” she inquired and I swear her and Hanji had the same mischievous look in their eyes.

“What the hell, Mom? No,” I groaned, “There was nobody there too kiss. Well, I guess Hanji, but that's like kissing my sister.”

“You don't have a sister,” my Mom pointed out rather obviously and I rolled my eyes.

“What about you? Did you kiss anyone?”

She turned red and quickly wished me a good night before I could even question what had just happened.

“What the fuck?” I said to an empty room. I definitely did _not_ want to think of my mom scoring before I did.

I eventually decided to take a shower. It was late, or early, depending on who you were, so I knew I should head to bed soon.

When I came back into my room, however, I saw that my phone had three missed calls that were all from Eren. It was four in the fucking morning and Eren was calling me.

I was about to call him back when the phone started ringing in my hand. I answered it.

“You know, you could have just ruined a sleep cycle,” I said, drying off my hair with one hand.

“I would actually be worried that I had if your bedroom light wasn't on,” he answered and I paused.

“Way to sound like a fucking creep, Eren,” I said, crossing over to my window and peeking out the blinds to see Eren standing on the sidewalk in front of my house, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I...wanted to talk to you about something,” he said.

“Are you drunk?”

“No!” he yelled and I could hear it from outside as well as the phone before he quieted down, “No. I'm not drunk. Just please, Levi, let me talk to you for a second.”

I sighed, thinking about my wet hair freezing outside, but decided to suck it up.

“Fine, I'll see you in a second,” I said before I hung up.

I crept downstairs and put on my boots and jacket over my pajamas before I opened the door and went out into the brisk air.

Despite it being fucking late, I was still overjoyed to see Eren standing there. He was one of the first people I got to see on New Year's Day, and for some reason, that excited me.

“What did you want?” I ask, sounding more irritable than I meant.

Eren grinned at me, but he seemed nervous.

“Happy New Year!” he said happily and I couldn't help but smile slightly and say the same. His intense eyes were watching me just as much as they were conveying emotions and I was seriously beginning to wonder what was up.

“I...made a resolution that I wanted to do as soon as possible,” Eren finally told me and I raised one of my eyebrows.

“And what is it?”

“I want to ask out the guy I like,” he answered and I have to marvel at how similar it is to mine.

“...Alright,” I said, not sure where this was leading, “What? You want me to help or something?”

I couldn't help but feel a little bit bitter at whoever this jackass is. Whoever it was, Eren probably didn't deserve them.

“Well...sorta,” Eren told me and it seems to click for me.

“Do you like...Gunter or Erd?” I asked, eyes widening, “Because I can tell you now, they aren't gay. Well, Gunter is still trying to figure it out, but I don't think he is really focused on relationships right now...”

That, and they knew I liked Eren and would never go out with him knowing my feelings.

“I don't like them!” Eren said, horrified by the thought and I almost sighed in relief, “And I know they are straight!”

“Then why are you telling me this at four in the morning? It couldn't wait until later?”

Eren shook his head and seemed to straighten, eyes full of determination.

Instead of opening his mouth to say anything, he rushes forward and cups my face before he presses his lips against mine.

It wasn't the least bit unpleasant and this had been something I had been waiting for for months, but my body started to react as if it had been attacked.

I pushed Eren away from me and he stumbled back. Before he could recover, my left hand tightened into a fist and my arm pulled back before I swung at Eren. I heard the slight  _ pop! _ as bone was knocked out of place and Eren was stumbling away from me again.

He raised his hands to his nose and my mind had caught up with what I had just done and I dropped my arm and my eyes widened.

Holy shit, I had just punched my crush in the face. This was bad, this was very, very bad.

Eren looked at me with wide eyes and I noticed that his nose was bleeding and that made things even worse, because I was pretty sure I had just broken his nose.

He had only kissed me, but I had punched him. I couldn't believe how badly I had fucked up.

“Levi...” he said muddily as his nose was now bleeding but I could only shake my head, mortified at what I had done.

I started to back away from him and he watched me but I couldn't see what his expression was.

I kept backing up until my back hit my front door. I quickly opened it and threw myself inside before I locked it and slid down to the floor, putting my hands in my head.

“Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...” I muttered to myself.

Well, it was certain that Eren hated me. What kind of person keeps an asshole that breaks their nose around? And shit, I hadn't even offered for him to come inside to clean up his nose. Fuck!

I stood up and looked out the window, but Eren was gone.

I had fucked up really badly. I needed advice.

I ran upstairs with my boots still on and grabbed my phone, calling the one person who could make sense of everything that had just happened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations, you two dorks. You're both idiots.


	16. Present

My mom has a date. It shouldn't be as strange as it feels because people in their forties get dates too, right?

Well, I guess my mom is only thirty-six, but it's close enough to forty that it works for me.

My mom has never had much luck with dating, mostly because she had me at seventeen. Most guys aren't really alright with dating a girl with a kid. But to my mom's credit, it never really depressed her. Or at least from what I could tell. As I get older, I realize that she must have been very lonely all these years. Her own family disowned her when she got pregnant, even though it was no fault of her own.

“Who is your date with?” I ask, sitting on her bed and watching her apply make up.

“It's not a date, Levi,” she argues, “He's just a friend from work.”

“You are going to dinner. Just the two of you. And you are dressing up,” I point out, “It sounds like a date to me.”

She turns around and grins at me and I can see how excited she is.

“Fine, it's a damn date,” she says before she turns around again.

“Is it that guy you've kissed every New Year's and 'fell asleep' at his house once,” I ask and I can see her get a bit pink in the reflection of the mirror.

“Maybe,” she says and sighs, “I honestly didn't ever think he was going to ask me out. When we first met, he had just gone through a divorce.”

She looks almost wistful and it's weird to see my mother so giddy over a date. Granted, she hasn't been on a date in a long time, so I suppose it is pretty exciting.

“Do I need to sit on the porch and wait with a shotgun,” I deadpan and she bursts into laughter.

“You might,” she tells me, “But I think it would be more effective if you had it when he comes to pick me up.”

“Wait,” I snap all my attention to her, “He's coming here?”

My mother nods before she applies the last of her mascara.

“Yeah. I thought it would be a good idea if you met each other,” she responds, “I talk about you at work all the time, but he's only seen the picture I have on my desk.”

I try to not let the fact that my mother talks about me at work a lot get under my skin.

“What time is he getting here,” I ask and at that same moment, the doorbell rings.

My mom stands and gives herself a once over before she turns to me.

“How do I look?” she asks.

She's dressed in a simple black dress that goes down to her knees and she has her hair curled and thrown over to one shoulder. I realize now that I have an attractive mom, which is a fucking weird thing to realize about your mother, but I can now tell why Gunter and Erd had had a weird sort of crush on her. That and her baking was fucking delicious.

“Not bad,” I say and she grins, knowing it is a compliment, “Let's meet this guy.”

I let my mom walk downstairs first and stand on the stairs as she opens the door and greets the person with a hug.

“Hey, Laura,” a male voice says before he steps into the house, my mom closing it behind him.

He's tall. Not as tall as Erwin, but still tall. And he's actually well built. And I guess he is handsome too. He's clean shaven and his hair isn't that bad. It's being touched with gray, but other than that, it's black. He's like a mixture of Tom Cruise and Mark Wahlberg. One of those guys that only mom's would find hot.

“Levi, come down and greet Terry,” she says to me and I come down the stairs, appraising the guy the entire time. I never expected to feel this protective of my mother.

I take his extended hand, grip it a little too firmly and repress a smirk when I see his eye twitch as I shake it.

“So you're Levi,” he says and I actually succeed in not shooting back a sarcastic comment like 'So you're the guy who wants to bang my mom'.

“Yeah,” I respond, releasing his hand.

“Your mom talks a lot about you,” he smiles, “She's very proud of you. If everything she says is true, I can see why.”

And damn it, he genuinely means it. I'm trying to find a good reason to dislike this guy, but he isn't all that terrible. Maybe trying a bit too hard with all the cologne I can smell coming from him, but he isn't bad.

“It probably isn't all true,” I say and my mom smacks my arm, “Mom likes to exaggerate when it comes to me sometimes.”

“Levi Ackerman, you stop that,” my mom commands with no real venom and I look to see her repressing a smile and I roll my eyes.

Terry chuckles and we both look at him.

“When you rolled your eyes like that,” he explains, “You look like your mother.”

As opposed to hating it when people said I look like my mother, I find it a comfort. I would be more worried if I looked like my father.

I decide that this Terry guy is alright.

“I guess I won't need the shotgun,” I say and the guy's eyes get wide at my serious tone while my mom snorts.

“I didn't think you would,” she tells me just as straight faced as me, “But don't worry, I have pepper spray and my handgun if I need them.”

Terry's eyes were wide, trying to decide if we were joking or not. We half were. My mom did have pepper spray and a small taser, but she didn't go anything without those. Part of her trauma, despite it being twenty years ago.

“Good, you are well prepared then,” I say and she nods, putting on her shoes and grabbing a light shawl that goes with her dress as well her purse.

She threads her arm through Terry's and smiles at me.

“I'll see you later, sweetheart,” she says and Terry inclines his head towards me as he opens the door.

“Be home before midnight,” I tease and my mom sticks her tongue out at me. Mature, mom, real mature.

Once I watch them get in the car, Terry being a fucking gentleman and holding the door open for her and closing it before going around to his side, they leave and I'm left alone for the evening.

As usual, my social circle has lessened considerably since all of my friends went to college, but after texting Erwin and Hanji back and forth for a while, I decide to get online.

I see that Eren is online on Skype, and after a moment of deliberation, I click the call button.

I'm nervous, but I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know that Eren could easily ignore me and I already feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him already.

He does answer, however, and I suppress a sigh of relief.

His face shows up on the screen and I can tell he had just plugged his headphones into the computer. From what I know of Eren, he is probably listening to music at the same time, but he can also hear me talk.

“Hey, Bright Eyes,” I greet, smiling slightly.

Instead of signing back, he types.

 **Eren Jaeger:** _hey levi_

 **Eren Jaeger:** _it's been a while since we've done this_

And it has. We haven't Skyped since the night before he was taken.

“Yeah,” I respond, “I kind of miss it. We should do it more often.”

 **Eren Jaeger:** _just so you can take more creeper screenshots of me. Pervert_

I laugh and he smiles slightly.

“Maybe,” I say, taking a subtle screenshot of him smiling before it disappears, “You will never find out if I do or not.”

 **Eren Jaeger:** _levi, I know you just did_

I curse at his attentiveness, but he smiles again. This time, I refrain from taking a screenshot again.

 **Eren Jaeger:** _so, what's up?_

I look at him and I see that he is in his bed, laying on his stomach. The scene is so familiar and so comfortable, that I can almost pretend that nothing's changed.

“My mom just went on a date,” I say and he looks surprised and he frantically types a reply.

 **Eren Jaeger:** _a date??? whaaat??? just now? with who? and you are okay with it? is it weird that she is going out on a date?_

“With some guy from work named Terry,” I answer him, “But what the fuck kind of a name is Terry anyway? Isn't Terry short for Terence? Isn't that the fairy from the Tinkerbell movies?”

 **Eren Jaeger:** _first off, yes it is short for terence. Secondly, im a little concerned on how you know the fairy's name..._

“Shut the fuck up, Jaeger,” I spit at him and he grins.

 **Eren Jaeger:** _but seriously, are you okay with it?_

I think for a moment before I nod.

“I mean, it's not really my choice in the end,” I tell him, “But my mom seems happy and she's not the sort of person that would get duped again by a guy.”

Eren nods for a moment before he types something else.

 **Eren Jaeger:** _have you ever wanted to see your dad?_

Eren is one of the few people that knows about my dad. The only other two are Hanji and Erwin. I don't tell anybody else, especially since it's not really my story to tell.

“I probably shouldn't,” I say quietly, “I know what he did and it was a fucking shitty thing to do, but...I think there is something about not having a dad that makes me feel kind of excluded. Don't get me wrong, my mom is fucking great, but I think I'm more in love with the idea of having a dad around than having _my_ dad around.”

 **Eren Jaeger:** _that makes sense. If it helps, i'm sure ternce the fairy would love to be your new dad._

“Fuck you, Jaeger,” I groan.

 **Eren Jaeger:** _i bet that your new dad is going to pop a boner for you mom_

“I hate you,” I say and he lets out his soundless laugh, “Laugh away, but I know that you won't laugh when I tell you that Mikasa has probably sucked Jean's dick.”

In an instant, his smiling face morphs into one of pure horror and disgust and I can't hold back the laugh.

I take a screenshot.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy long walks on the beach and copious amounts of sex mentions in my chapters.


	17. Past

It wasn't until about nine in the morning that Erwin actually answered his damn phone.

“Levi, what the hell is wrong?” I could hear concern in his voice, “Sorry, my phone died and I was busy with Mike. What happened?”

I could tell he was convinced that me calling was a matter of life and death, so I decided to ease his mind a bit.

“Gross. You were having sex with Fido weren't you?” I said and Erwin sighed.

“Levi, you've been calling me nonstop since five this morning when you were just at my house,” he said longsufferingly, “What happened between then and now?”

I took a deep breath, launching into my story, covering what had happened with Eren and my horrible fuck up.

“...so then I pushed him back and fucking punched him in the face,” I finished, “Shit, Erwin, I'm pretty sure I broke his nose...”

“You...punched him?”

“Yes,” I hissed, irritated.

“Right after he kissed you,” he verified and I affirmed what he had said.

There was a pause and I couldn't tell what he was thinking. It was much harder to tell when I couldn't see him.

“What happened afterward?” he asked.

“He just looked at me and I backed away from him and ran into my house,” I said, putting my head in my hand, “I can't believe I punched him. Why would I fucking do that? Shit, he probably hates me now.”

“Levi,” Erwin said sternly and that was a tone I knew I had to pay attention to, “What did Eren do before you punched him?”

“I fucking told you, dipshit! He kissed me!” I exclaimed angrily.

“Right, and what were you talking about before he kissed you?” Erwin asked calmly.

I sighed. I had already told Erwin all this.

“We were talking about him telling me who he liked and-oh,” my eyes widened in realization but Erwin continued.

“And usually when people kiss someone like that, it usually means that they like the person,” he told me and I could nearly have beat my head against the wall, “Although, it's usually wise to at least see it the other person is okay with it, but I'm sure you got the message to him.”

A lot of things were making fucking sense now. I had been so caught up in the fact that I had punched the guy I liked in the face that I hadn't even stopped to consider why he had kissed me in the first place.

Eren returned my feelings.

“You know Eren,” Erwin said strongly, “And you know that it's not you he's hating right now.”

I sighed and knew he was right. As far as Eren knew, I was straight as an arrow with no interest in guys at all and he had taken the chance to show me how he feels. And I had punched him and ran. He was probably hating himself, afraid that he had ruined a friendship and thinking that I was steaming angry at him.

“I have to go see him,” I said, standing up and Erwin hummed his agreement, “I have to explain myself and apologize. I have to tell him.”

“Good...now does this mean you are going to leave me alone for a few hours or...?”

“Shut the fuck up, Erwin,” I spat, “Go have gay sex with Toto over there. I'll text you later.”

I hung up the phone and pulled on my boots and coat again, not even caring that I was still in my pajamas. I left a note on the counter that I was going over to the Jaeger's house before I left, getting a cab since we only had one car and my mom would probably need it.

All too soon, I was standing in front of Eren's house with my hand raised to knock. Before I could, however, the door opened and I saw Mikasa glaring at me.

“What do you want?” she hissed and I knew she must have known something happened between me and her brother.

“I just want to talk to your brother,” I said, trying not to grow angry that she wasn't letting me inside.

“What, the damage to his nose wasn't enough?” she asked sarcastically, “You here to punch his jaw out of socket too?”

“Listen, Mikasa, I-”

“Oh, Levi!” I heard Carla's voice and Mikasa begrudgingly stepped aside so her mother could greet me, “Come in! I didn't expect to see you here quite this soon. Happy New Year!”

“Happy New Year, Mrs. Jaeger,” I said, stepping into the house, “Is Eren here?”

I could feel Mikasa glaring daggers at me but I paid her no attention.

Carla's smile lessened a bit but she nodded.

“He broke his nose last night but wouldn't tell us how,” she said seriously, “His father set it for him before he had to go to work, but all Eren said was that he went for a walk last night. I hope he isn't getting into any fights-”

“I broke it,” I interrupted her and both her and Mikasa looked shocked that I admitted it so freely.

“I broke it,” I repeated, looking down, “He came over to my house last night, well, this morning I guess, and he was saying a bunch of shi-stuff that wasn't making any sense. Then he kissed me and I panicked and punched him. I came to apologize.”

I wasn't sure where this honesty was coming from, but I had an inkling that I wanted to impress Mikasa. No, not impress. Maybe get her to approve of me.

“I...” I faltered, feeling my face warm up a bit, “I would also like to ask...if I could date your son. If he would still let me, that is.”

My newfound courage was probably due to the fact that I knew Eren had feelings for me too. I figured it was better to get everything out in the open as opposed to trying to hide it. I had hidden long enough.

To my surprise, and Mikasa's horror, Carla started to laugh. It would never cease to amaze me just how much Eren looked like his mother.

“Um...Mom?” Mikasa said tentatively and she only shook her head.

“I suppose I should be upset with you injuring my son,” she told me, “But the first time Grisha kissed me, I slapped him for much the same reason as you. Jaeger men don't seem to have common sense when it comes to this kind of thing. We aren't animals, you know.”

She laughed a bit more before she sighed and looked at me. I didn't let the confusion of her lack of concern that I had broken her son's nose show on my face.

“I have no problem with you dating my son. Heaven knows he needs someone like you, I'm not too keen that you hurt my son to that extent, but I'm glad you admitted to hitting him. You have quite a bit of character,” she smiled and I felt alleviated, “But...I didn't think you were gay, Levi.”

“I'm not!” I said.

“He's not!” Mikasa argued at the same time I had spoken and we both glared at each other.

Carla looked a bit confused but didn't say anything about my denial.

“He should be up in his room,” she said, “I think he was awake. He's been listening to Adele all morning.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Jaeger,” I said before I started up the stairs. I looked back and Mikasa had a horrendously dark aura around her and I'm sure that if Carla wasn't in the room, she wouldn't hesitate to try and murder me.

Just to be an asshole, I winked at her and I could tell she was practically vibrating in anger.

I went upstairs and heard music coming from Eren's room. Apparently, he had switched from Adele to Bruno Mars now.

I opened the door and saw sitting with his back towards the door on his laptop. I closed the door quietly and crossed over to the stereo. It was loud enough that he didn't hear me enter and from my position, I could see that he was on Skype, frantically typing a message to me.

I rolled my eyes and turned off the music just as Mr. Mars started to sing about how he would jump in front of a train. Eren was being quite the drama queen about this.

He stiffened, but didn't turn around.

“I already told you, Mikasa,” he said tiredly and his nose sounded a bit plugged, “I don't want to talk about it anymore. I already told you what happened. Now please, leave me alone.”

“Stop being so fucking melodramatic,” I spat and he turned around in a split second, eyes wide.

I winced at the sight of his nose, bruised already and bandaged. I can't believe I did that to him.

He shut his laptop and stands, looking at me warily.

“Levi...” he said in the same fucking tone he did after I had punched him and I find that I can't stand that tone. It sounds too self-deprecating.

“Shut up,” I snapped and he closed his mouth with a click of his teeth, “I came to apologize for your nose. Fuck, it looks like shit.”

“Well...you have a killer left hook,” Eren chuckled nervously, but I could tell he didn't feel the least bit happy, “But it's okay. I kinda deserved it.”

“For what?” I prompted. I sure as hell wasn't making this easy for him.

“Well, I...I kissed you,” he said, turning a bit red.

“Yeah, you kind of did,” I said blankly, “You don't just go around kissing people with no warning. Fuck what the movies say, it's not really romantic at all.”

We stood in silence before I asked quietly, “Eren, why did you kiss me?”

He struggled with this, shuffling his feet and clearing his throat to stall for time. But then, he looked at me with clear determination in his eyes.

“Because I like you, Levi,” he said in a strong voice, and I felt my stupid heart react, “I like you a whole lot. I know you are straight and everything and it was really out of line for me to kiss you. I suppose I really am just the asshole that wants you to give me a chance. I can't-”

He cuts himself off and looks down.

I let a breath out through my nose. Now that I know that he likes me, I feel like I have some leverage.

“Tell me Eren,” I said, taking a step closer to him, “What did you expect from me when you kissed me? And confessed to me?”

I took another step closer to Eren and he looked terrified. My blank face must have been more intimidating than I thought.

“I-well-I don't know!” he exclaimed, getting flustered as I steadily approached, “I know its unfair for me to say all this because I know you are straight and don't have any feelings for me but I couldn't sit on this any longer! I just had to let you know!”

I stopped in front of him and looked up at him and I swear he gulped. His nose looked even more horrible up close and I felt so incredibly guilty about it. He thought he deserved getting his nose broken by me and here I was, giving him a hard time after I had injured him.

I sighed and I reached up, ignoring the flinch from Eren, and cupped his cheek.

“You fucking dumbass,” I said, smiling slightly, “You really rush into things without thinking about them first don't you?”

He seemed frozen in shock and I had to chuckle at his dumbfound expression.

“The next time you kiss me, at least give me some warning or something,” I told him, looking up into those green orbs.

“Next...time?” he asked as if in a daze.

“Yeah, next time,” I said, turning bit pink and dropping my hand from his face, “I like you too, Bright Eyes. And I'm really, really sorry about your nose. You just surprised me.”

Eren blinked a few times before a wide smile spread across his face.

“You...like me?” he asked, growing excited, “Like, _like like_ or just regular like?”

“Holy shit, are we ten-year-old girls now?” I rolled my eyes, “I like you as in I want to hold your stupid hand and go out and fucking dates and kiss and shit like that.

Eren's smile widened and I could see that I had just been played. If I hadn't already, I might have punched him.

“Levi?” he said, still grinning and I look up at him, inching his face closer to mine.

“What?” I snapped, but it didn't have the necessary amount of venom.

“I'm sorry for kissing you,” he said, “I promise I'll ask and make sure you are okay with it from now on.”

And damn it all if that didn't make my heart soar. What the fuck were with all these mushy feelings?

“Can I kiss you now?” he asked and I had to fight the tiny blush that was wanting to appear on my face.

“You will just hurt your nose, idiot,” I said, turning my face away, and suddenly, I regret getting this close to him.

“No, I won't!” he argued, “I'll be careful! I just want to kiss my new..boyfriend.”

I could tell he was testing the waters. I felt a pleasant feeling in my stomach at being called his boyfriend, as stupid as it was.

“Getting ahead of yourself, aren't you?” I said, angling my face upward.

Eren smiled even wider but leaned down, knowing that I wasn't going to fight him that hard with the kiss.

“I don't see you complaining,” he said before he pressed his lips to mine.

This time, I could fully process what was happening and could enjoy it as well. He put his hands on my waist and I reached up and placed mine on his chest. His lips were warm, even if they were somewhat chapped from the cold weather, but kissing Eren...felt right. It felt so much better than what I had imagined it would be and I could feel my heart picking up double time.

There weren't sparkles are any great epiphanies I have while I kiss him. It was a bit awkward, but, it was comfortable at the same time. We didn't kiss like sloppy, horny teenagers. We kissed like we had known each other for years and like we knew we would have all the time in the world to kiss passionately later, but there was the air of us still trying to figure out how to kiss each other. It was a transition from being friends to being something more, and even though we both wanted it, it would take some getting used to.

I nipped at his bottom lip, wanting to deepen the kiss, but then our noses brushed and he pulled back, hissing in pain.

“I told you,” I said, a bit smugly and he glared at me.

My expression softened and I took his face in my hands to look at his nose.

“How long will it take to heal?” I asked guiltily.

“My dad said about two weeks,” he said, “I've always healed a bit quicker than normal. My dad says it has something to do with my white blood cell count or something like that, but yeah. Two weeks.”

I turned his face from side to side, inspecting the damage.

“Levi, I'll be fine,” he reassured, sounding a bit irritated, “You are just as bad as Mikasa.”

“I'm sure she wanted to kill me when I showed up,” I said, still examining his nose, “I think she would have tried if your mom hadn't been here.”

Eren laughed at that and shook his head.

“She probably thinks you've come to finish me off,” he joked and I could see the possibility running through her mind.

Suddenly, I yawned and it occurred to me that I hadn't slept in over twenty four hours. I had been so worried about Eren, that I hadn't even considered going to bed.

“I have to get home, Jaeger,” I said, stepping away from him, “I didn't get any sleep. I was a bit...preoccupied.”

“Wait!” he nearly shouts and my eyes widen in surprise for a moment, “I mean...wait. I didn't sleep either. I was too worried that you were going to ignore me again after I fucked up.”

He takes my hand and I don't pull away, but I do raise my eyebrows.

“I think we established that me ignoring doesn't do either of us any favors,” I said, thinking back to the Fall.

He nods but then looks down at the hand that he is holding with a look of concentration.

“You could-I mean-if you want to, you could sleep here. With me,” he suggested, “Nothing more than that! I promise! But...I don't want you to leave yet.”

Fuck him and his ability to make me do anything with just a few words. No, it was more than the words. It was the look in his eyes and the way I could read his body language.

That, and I didn't really want to leave either. Being with him sounded nice, especially after all these months of fucking pining after him.

“Fine,” I said, giving a lot less of a fight than I suspected he thought I would, going by the look off his face.

His bed is big enough for the two of us, and after a moment of awkward maneuvering, we were both under the covers, with my head on his chest as opposed to the other way around so he wouldn't hurt his nose again.

Eren, however, was as stiff as a board.

“Oi, what's wrong? You have a hard on already?” I asked, looking up at him and he started blushing.

“I just never thought you would ever be in my bed,” he said, “Are you sure you aren't fucking with me right now?”

I figured I should be angry, but I could understand his disbelief. Up until today, he was convinced I was straight as an arrow, but now, here I was, cuddling him. This may have seemed sudden for him, but it certainly wasn't for me.

I reached for his arms and wrapped them around me.

“Just sleep, Eren,” I said, “I'm fucking tired and you're really warm.”

I felt him chuckle, but I was more focused on the fast heartbeat that matched the pace of mine. That was what I fell asleep to on the first day of the new year, and I smiled. My resolution had already been fulfilled already. I was on a roll.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, this was the longest chapter yet.
> 
> AND IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. Honestly, I was supposed to have them together the _last past chapter, but obviously that didn't happen._
> 
> Just another note, they got together January 1st, 2012, and Eren got kidnapped March 20th, 2013. :3 Just a happy little time frame for you all.


	18. Present

Mom actually goes on quite a few dates with Terry the fairy and I realize that he might be around for awhile. Especially when she slips up and calls him her boyfriend. That's a weird fucking feeling right there.

But she is happy, and that is enough for me.

I talk to Eren on Skype a lot more since our first video call, but I can' help but shake the feeling that something is wrong. He seems to be getting better, smiling more, but I can't help but feel that some of it is forced. I ask him if he is alright continually and he insists he is fine, but I know he can tell that I don't believe him, but I never press too much. I know he will tell me when he is ready, but I always make sure to tell him I am here for him whenever he needs me.

* * *

 

Working at Recon Electronics, I always come across terrible customers. Usually, we have relatively peaceful customers, but sometimes, there are those who are unruly and disrupt the flow of everyone.

Today, it's just me, Isabel, and Pixis working. It's still a small business, so we can get away with having only a few people in the store. After all, there are only four employees under Pixis. When I first started, I thought scheduling was going to be a bitch, but Pixis is a fair boss when it comes to that.

I'm sitting at my desk working on a stereo that's a few years old. It's going to need some new parts, cheap ones, but I know its probably better to call the owner and ask. It's a rule of thumb here that we always ask in case they want to just buy a new electronic instead of paying for new parts. Even if the latter is cheaper.

I'm about to reach for the phone when Isabel pops her head into my cubicle and looks apologetic.

“Levi?” she asks and I look at her, raising an eyebrow.

“There is a man that wants to talk to the manager,” she says, “But Nile doesn't work today and Pixis just took his lunch...”

I can't say this is the first time this has happened. Farlan and Isabel have been here longer than me, if only by a couple months, but they sometimes still use me as a way of mediating angry customers.

“Alright, tell him that I will be there in a moment,” I say, organizing my tools so it's not messy when I return to my desk.

She nods and rushes off and I sigh, prepping myself. I know that can't curse out a customer, no matter how much I want to.

I stand and make my way to the front where there is a beefy man with greasy black hair pacing in front of the counter and Isabel is fidgeting and looking at a PC.

“Hello, sir,” I greet coolly, “What seems to be the problem?”

“The problem is that this _bitch_ refuses to give me my money back for this piece of shit computer,” he spits.

Isabel snaps her head up and looks as if she is about to start a one on one with this guy but I put my hand on her shoulder and narrow my eyes at the man.

“I understand that you are angry,” I say with as much politeness I can muster, “But if you insult the employees again, I _will_ ask you to leave, sir. Now, you want to return this?”

He looks as if he is about to explode but then sighs angrily before he nods. I look over the computer but I can't help feeling that something is off by what the man is saying. He didn't even bring the box it came in or the cords with it.

Regardless, I continue, asking the standard question.

“Alright, do you have your receipt?”

“No, I don't,” he responds and this sends warning bells off in my head.

I look over at Isabel.

“Did you open it up?” I ask and she nods, “And?”

To my second question, she shakes her head and I have my answer. This man didn't buy the computer from us.

In every electronic we sell, we have a stamp of wings inside them. Even if it's just a part, wings get put on them as an extra proof of purchase just in case someone  _did_ lose their receipt. If Isabel opened up the computer and didn't see any wings, then it wasn't bought from here, nor were any of the parts.

But if he says that he bought it here, we can't argue, but we also can't give him what he wants. We have to find a new way to reason with him.

“I offered that we could fix it at a discount price, but without a receipt-” Isabel started.

“I don't want it fucking repaired, I want to fucking return it and get my money back!” he roared and I appraised him.

“As my associate already told you, we can't refund you without a receipt. It's our policy,” I say, voice hardening, “All we can do is repair it for you.”

“Fuck you, asshole!” he screams. He is way too angry over something like this. He is an unpredictable customer and they can be very dangerous sometimes.

“Izzy, go to you desk and go back to work,” I say, leaving no room for argument. She looks hesitant, but then disappears to the back.

“This would have never happened at Best Buy,” he spits and now I'm angry.

Fucking Best Buy.

“You are right,” I say with a deadly voice, “This wouldn't have happened at Best Buy. What would have happened at Best Buy is that you would have taken the computer there to return it but since it was more than fifteen days since you purchased it, they wouldn't let you, so you would take it to a local place and try to convince them that you bought it there. They would pretend not to notice and offer to fix it at a discount price, but you would still be pissed off that you weren't getting your money back. This wouldn't have happened at Best Buy because if you behaved like this, you would have been escorted out by security for posing a threat to employees.”

The whole time I speak, he is getting increasingly redder in the face until he slams his fist down on the counter and then reaches for my collar. I step back just in time, fighting my instinct of breaking his wrist. I did  _not_ want to end up in jail for assault today, even if he started it.

I step forward and take the laptop and shove it into his arms.

“Leave, now,” I command, “Before I call the cops for you disturbing the peace.”

He glares at me, and for a second, I'm sure that he is going to try to attack me, but then he turns and stomps out of the store, slamming the door behind him. The windows rattle at the force, but they are strong enough not to break.

A second passes and I hear Isabel sigh and I turn to see her coming around the corner, phone in hand.

“I was going to call the police if things got out of hand,” she explains as she pockets the phone and I'm glad I can count on her to read my silent signals.

I let a breath out through my nose before I shrug.

“Thanks, Izzy,” I say, “I have to get back to the stereo. If that guy comes back, call the cops right away.”

“Roger that, Captain!” she salutes and I roll my eyes.

The rest of the day passes with no more excitement. Pixis gets back from lunch and we explain the fiasco we had and he said that he would keep an eye out for the man and pass the word onto Nile.

It's nearing the end of my shift when Pixis lets me know I have a house call.

“Mrs. Brown?” I ask.

“Well, it was a man, but he said that you were needed at Mrs. Brown's residence,” Pixis says, but there is something off about his voice.

“A man?” I ask, “Pixis, what the hell are you talking about?”

He places a hand on my shoulder and sighs.

“Just make the house call, Levi,” he says, “Don't worry about coming back to clock out either. You're done for the day and I'm giving you a couple days off.”

Something was sinking in my gut, but he walked away before I could even begin to question what was going on.

As he told me not to worry about coming back, I took my own car and drive to Mrs. Brown's place, a feeling of dread following me the entire way there.

I park my car in the driveway as usual, but I notice there is another car parked at the curb in front of the house.

I knock on the door hesitantly, and instead of Mrs. Brown answering the door, it's a tall man man with blonde hair and a long face.

“Levi Ackerman, I presume?” he says and I am immediately suspicious, “I'm Ian Dietrich, Margret’s attorney

“Where is Mrs. Brown?” I ask, not in the mood for formalities. Was it normal to feel sick to my stomach like this? The last time I had felt like this was when Eren had disappeared.

“I'm sorry,” he says, “Why don't you come in?”

“I'm not going anywhere until you tell me why it was you who called me and not her,” I spit at him.

He sighs and reaches into his jacket and pulls out an envelope and hands it to me. It has my name on it it and it's sealed.

I know what's happening but my mind tries to reject it. This isn't happening.

However, the man speaks and his words leave no room for denial.

“Mr. Ackerman,” he says, “I'm very sorry to tell you like this, but Mrs. Brown was rushed to the hospital last night after a severe heart attack. She passed away just before midnight.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was just a terrible day for Levi all around damn.
> 
> We didn't see much of Mrs. Brown but I'm going to miss her. We will actually see more of her later, though.
> 
> And this about marks the half-way point of the story I think. :3
> 
> My tumblr is [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com) and I track the tag 'fic:ltw"


	19. Past

I found out that Eren wasn't a huge fan of public displays of affection.

At first, I thought it was because he was just being secretive, but when we went back to school, all of his friends knew about us and my friends didn't have a hard time figuring it out. Whenever I went to hold his hand, it always seemed as if the limb slipped out of my fingers before I could get a firm hold. Whenever we were hanging out with just our friends, I would sit beside him, sometimes even put my arm around him, but he never made a movement to return affection.

“Why the fuck don't you ever touch me?” I asked eventually one night as we were sitting on the floor of his room doing our homework.

“Huh?” he asked, looking up at me, eyes still not focused completely on what I was saying.

“You never touch me,” I said, “Our friends know about us and it's not like they are going to judge us. You never seem to want to hold my hand. You never...I don't know, Eren. You just always shy away from us touching.”

He bit his lip and looked down at his homework.

“I don't-well-I didn't think you liked PDA,” he admitted quietly, “I didn't think it would be something...something that you wanted to do. I didn't know you cared.”

I sighed and reached for his hand. I grasped it and intertwined our fingers and he gave them a squeeze.

“Eren, you're my boyfriend,” I said, “I want to be close to you. I _do_ care. I like it when we hold hands like this or kiss or wrap our arms around each other.”

Eren looked up at me and smiled but still looked like he wanted to say something.

“What is it?” I pressed and he looked down at his homework again and shook his head.

“No, tell me,” I insisted and he heaved a deep sigh.

“I don't like it,” he said after a moment of deliberation, “I don't like people seeing us...do couple-y stuff. It's...private.”

I stared at him and he looked up at me as if he was afraid I was angry.

I wasn't. Eren had never been in a formal relationship. True, he was fucking Erwin for a while, which I adamantly tried to ignore, and he did go out with Marco a few times, but I had never seen him be overly affectionate to either one of them. In fact, when Eren and Erwin had their fuck buddy system going on, it was always Erwin would sling his arm around Eren or show any form of affection. It had never occurred to me that Eren would be uncomfortable with it.

“Well, shit, Bright Eyes,” I said, “Why didn't you tell me? I've been fucking worrying about it for weeks now.”

He doesn't seem to know what to say at first but then clears his throat.

“I thought that you wouldn't like me...if I, well, if I didn't like what you like,” he told me and I rolled my eyes.

“For fuck's sake, Eren,” I groaned, “We aren't always going to like the same thing. Shit, you like ketchup on your cheesecake, you fucking weird alien mutant. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop liking you for that. Just don't kiss me after you eat it and we'll be fine. Eren, you don't have to hide what you don't like from me, because I sure as hell won't hide what I don't like from you.”

He actually seemed relieved that I reacted so calmly and smiled. He released my hand and sat up on his knees before he leaned over so our faces are inches apart.

“It's a deal,” he told me before he kissed me.

Needless to say, we didn't get very much homework done after that.

Even after that conversation, however, I found myself wanting to touch him all the time and wanting him to touch me. I didn't usually think of myself as a particularly physical person in that aspect, but I was drawn to Eren and it took all the self restraint in me to keep the PDA to a minimum. It was definitely worth it when we were alone.

Still, there were times that Eren would let his hand linger on the small of my back when we were talking with our friends. He would let me put my arm around him when were all sitting and watching TV and would lean his head against my shoulder. These were little things, but I didn't realize how much they meant to me until they happened.

The only person who didn't know about my relationship with Eren was my mother.

If I was honest with myself, it was because I was nervous. My mom had been raised in a strict Catholic family and even though they had basically disowned her, so I knew she had been raised to think that being gay was some horrible sin. Then again, my mom hadn't ever said anything against gay people and even knew my best friend was gay and she treated him like any other person.

It still put me on edge that I would have to tell her.

“I want to tell my mom about us,” I said near the end of January as we were sitting on my couch, watching How I Met Your Mother. Eren seemed to understand.

He had been relatively patient about the entire thing. His parents already knew he was gay, but he had told me it had taken him months to get the courage to tell them, and even after, his dad had a hard time accepting it fully. Grisha was alright with it now, but apparently, it had taken him a while.

“Alright,” he responded, “When? Oh! We can do it Valentine's day! It would be all cheesy and romantic-”

“No,” I shook my head, “Now. While I have the balls.”

Eren seemed surprised but nodded.

I stood and took his hand and led the way to my mom's study.

My mom's study was always messy as she spent most of her time in there, working on extra things that were work related. I cringed anytime I went in there, but my mom refused to let me clean it. It was the one room that was off limits to my cleaning tendencies.

I knocked on the door tentatively and when I heard my mom tell us to come in, I let go of Eren's hand and pushed the door open.

“Oh, Eren!” she said jovially, spinning her chair around to face us, “I was about to start dinner. You staying?”

“Um...” he seemed unsure of what to say and looked over at me.

“Mom,” I said, “I have something to tell you.”

She furrowed her eyebrows and focused her attention on me. I figured I might as well spit it out before I made some dumb excuse and slunk back to the living room.

“Eren is my boyfriend,” I said calmly, marveling at how confident I said it.

My mom blinked and looked at Eren and then back to me. I found that I was holding my breath and could tell Eren was a bit tense.

“...Alright,” she said slowly, “That doesn't really answer whether or not he's staying for dinner, though.”

This time, it was my turn to stare at her.

“Mom...” I took Eren's hand in mine as if I was furthering my proof, “I'm dating a guy.”

She looked confused as she nodded.

“Yeah...I got that,” she told me, “What does that have to do with dinner?”

I heard Eren snort quietly but I shook my head.

“Nothing, Mom! I'm telling you I'm dating Eren! He's my boyfriend!”

“I already knew that! Why are you telling me again?” she looked exasperated and my mind went blank.

“What?” I asked and she rolled her eyes.

“I've known you guys have been dating,” she said, “You aren't exactly secretive about it. Did you think I didn't notice?”

I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

“How long have you known?” I asked hollowly.

“Hmm...” she thought, “Since at least November.”

Eren and I stared at her.

“Um...Ma'am,” Eren started, “We haven't been dating since November. We just got together on New Year's.”

There was a confused silence where we all took a moment to soak in what had just happened. So my mom already knew I was with Eren, but she had thought we had started dating months ago. And she was okay with it.

Both Eren and my mom burst into laughter at the same time and I sighed. What a fucking mess of a happy misunderstanding.

“You are both idiots,” I muttered and my mother shook her head.

“You're the idiot for thinking that your own mother wouldn't notice that you are gay,” she said.

“I'm not gay!” I nearly shouted and she looked at me with wide eyes before she looked over at Eren.

He shrugged.

“He's not gay,” he affirmed, knowing that I denied anytime someone brought it up.

My mom raised her eyebrow at me with a look that let me know I was full of shit before she stood up.

“Okay, sure,” she said, “I'm going to start dinner and I'm assuming your staying, right Eren?”

Eren nodded and she left the room.

I soaked in my own quiet thoughts for a couple minutes, thinking of how mom had just been totally okay with whatever was going on and had known about us even before we did. It was surreal. Had we really been  _that_ obvious?

“Levi,” Eren said quietly, breaking me out of my thoughts, and I turned to look at him, “Why do you keep saying you aren't gay?”

I could see the look in his eyes and read it. He was wondering if my denial of my homosexuality was true and that he was just an experiment for me. I decided to assuage his doubts.

“Because I'm not, Eren,” I said, folding my arms and looking up at him, stern expression on my face, “I don't even think I qualify as bisexual. I don't know, I'm attracted to you. Just you. No other guy...I'm not attracted to them and I couldn't see myself doing it with anybody else.”

Eren turned a little pink at the mention of sex but then he got a mischievous look on his face.

“Did you watch gay porn, Levi,” he asked in a sing-song voice.

“No.”

“You did, didn't you?”

“No, I fucking did not.”

“It's okay to admit it,” Eren grinned, “Did you like what you saw?”

I stared hard at him, knowing that when I did so, it made him slightly uncomfortable. Once he started to fidget, I answered.

“No,” I answered, “Like I said, no other guy.”

I reached for his collar and jerked him down, my mouth right at his ear.

“But I wouldn't mind doing some of the things I saw with you, Bright Eyes,” I whispered into his ear before I nipped at it.

I let go and walked passed him, seeing his face turn bright red out of the corner of my eye. It was lucky my own face was turned away from him because I was pretty sure I had a dusting of red on my own face as I internally panicked at what I had just said.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not for the last time will I say these two are fucking dorks. I love them though.
> 
> I would like to thank [KATastrofic222](http://archiveofourown.org/users/KATastrofic222/pseuds/KATastrofic222) for being an unofficial beta and finding my mistakes for me. I read it over and over before I publish it, but there is always something. So, thank you!
> 
> Fun Fact: Did you know that some turtles can breath through their butts? This has no relation to the story, I just thought it was an interesting thing to know.


	20. Present

I hate funerals. You gather around a dead person and listen to a preacher talk about how death is just a step or something while people cry, other people pretend to cry, and others are trying _not_ to cry. Or you have some fuckers that are just there for the formalities.

Mrs. Brown's funeral is no different. There aren't very many people here. She told me once that most of her friends and family died a while ago, so I suppose it's to be expected.

But still, there are people from her knitting club and some other's from church that she knew along with scattered family members.

I asked Eren to come, even though I wasn't sure if he wanted to come to a funeral, but luckily he agrees. It's comforting to have him here. He knows that I am upset, even if I don't show it. I had grown more attached to the old bag than I had thought I did. The whole time, Eren holds my hand and squeezes it in reassurance.

At some point, a middle aged man sitting behind us leans forward and hisses at us, “It's disrespectful to have earphones in during a funeral. What is your problem?”

I turn and take off my glasses to freeze him with a glare.

“Mind your own damn business,” I spit at him.

Eren, fortunately didn't hear what the man said due to the man's volume being too low and Eren's earphones being a bit louder. He looks at me questioningly and I shake my head as I turn back around and put my glasses back on, a signal that it's nothing.

The funeral ends and what family Mrs. Brown has left goes to put her in the ground. I decide that I can visit her grave later.

Her family give me cold glares I don't understand as they file out of the church. I don't know what the fuck their problem, but I decide to write it off as grief, even though they don't look the least bit upset. It's fucked up that someone like Mrs. Brown had relatives like them who were probably just here for their inheritance.

“ _You really liked her, didn't you?_ ” Eren asks me with grave eyes.

“I guess,” I say noncommittally, but Eren sees right through me.

“ _It's okay to be sad about this, Lev_ i _,_ ” he tells me and I wince, remembering that Mrs. Brown had told me the same thing just after Eren came home from the hospital. Why did that feel like forever ago?

I decide to skip the reception and go home with Eren. We both change out of our tuxes as soon as we can and head down to the kitchen to get something to eat.

My mom walks in and gives me a hug as soon as she sees me.

“How was the funeral?” she asks us.

“Wonderful. We sang, we danced, we drank,” I say sarcastically and instead of smacking me on the back of the head like she usually does, she just gives me this look like she knows what I'm trying to do and turns to Eren and kisses his cheek.

“It's good to see you Eren,” she says.

“ _Nice to see you too. You're brownies are still as wonderful as they used to be,_ ” he says and my mom looks over at me.

She doesn't know sign language as well as I do, so she relies on me to translate. She's actually nice enough to learn though, and I appreciate that about my mom.

“He said it was nice to see you too and that your brownies are shit,” I say and Eren glares at me, but my mom laughs, knowing that I was lying.

“Terry and I are going out for dinner tonight,” she says, “You two want to come along?”

I shake my head, immediately dismissing her offer immediately.

“Nah, I think we'll stay here,” I say before looking over at Eren, “You alright with that?”

He nods, looking relieved that we aren't going to be hanging out with my mom and her boyfriend tonight.

She tsks, but nods and bustles out of the kitchen, telling Eren to make himself at home.

“You shouldn't eat the brownies,” I say and he shrugs, “They have milk in them and you are lactose intolerant.”

Eren just flips me off and that's a sign that I've known since elementary school.

“Fine, but don't come crying to me when you have trouble shitting later,” I say, raiding the fridge for food.

I hear him take in a breath and look over at him and he has turned a shade lighter.

“Hey...you okay?” I ask, standing up straight. He honestly looks like he's either going to start crying or throw up and I don't know what to do or what even made him react that way.

“Hey, I was just kidding,” I say, reaching out to him but he flinches away and I drop my hand, trying not to let the hurt show on my face, “You can cry to me if you have trouble shitting. If you're still here, I can even hold your hand and give you some laxatives to make it easier for you.”

He stays in his stupor before he smiles impishly at me.  
“ _I'm fine_ ,” he says, “ _You're right about the brownies, though. That was the last one._ ”

There is something else but I don't press. He will tell me when he is ready.

Just like Skyping, it has been a while that we have just hung out, but it feels nice. We get a shit ton of food and find our places on the couch, putting in a Harry Potter movie before we start eating. 

We keep a distance. Or at least I do, knowing that Eren is still trying to adjust. I do sit shoulder to shoulder with him, though. Maybe it's me being selfish, but I want to touch him and be close to him. He doesn't stop me, but he doesn't lean into me either. It's a bittersweet kind of feeling. If everything had stayed the same

“ _Was there a funeral for me_?” he asks suddenly and I don't hide my shock.

“Eren...what?”

I can understand why he is asking but the question still catches me off guard. He watches me as I collect myself.

“No,” I answer, “There wasn't a funeral for anybody. Not until you were all...found.”

He looks down, thinking deeply. I watch him and I notice that he looks so...small and broken. Not for the last time do I wish that I could shoulder all the pain he is feeling. He hasn't told anybody what has happened. If there are any blessings in the world, his mind blanked it all out, but I doubt that's the case.

He looks up at me and gives me a smile that's too stretched and pained to be genuine.

“ _I'm alright_ ,” he says and returns his attention to the television.

But no, he's really not and I wish he could admit it to me.

Over the course of the afternoon, Hanji and Erwin text me to make sure I'm alright.

** Peanut Butter Dick: ** _ I'm glad Eren's with you at least. Are you sure you are doing alright? _

Yes, I'm fine.

**Shit Specs:** _ Wish I could have come home to go with you. I'll be back soon though so you will have a wise feminine aura to surround yourself again _ .

The fact that Hanji was calling herself wise and feminine was laughable, but it is nice to know that they both care. I don't see them as much as I wish I could.

After a while, I tell them both I was going to watch the movie and put my phone off to the side, but not even five minutes later, my phone rings.

It's a number I don't recognize and I answer, not sure what to expect.

“Yeah?” I say and Eren looks over, noticing that I'm on the phone and pauses the movie.

“Hello, is this Levi Ackerman?”

“Yeah, it is. Who's asking?” I ask, wary.

“Ah, this is Ian Dietrech,” the man on the other end says, “We met a couple of days ago, but we didn't get the chance to talk very long.”

That was my fault. I _might_ have taken the letter and walked back to my car and drove away before the guy could get two words out.

“I tried to catch you at the funeral, but you had left before I could reach you,” he explains, “I wanted to talk to you about the inheritance that was left to you. There is still some legalities that we have to go through-”

“Wait,” I interrupt, “Inheritance? What the hell are you talking about?”

There was a silence on the other end before the Ian guy spoke again.

“I'm assuming you didn't read the letter that Mrs. Brown left you, then,” he says.

“No, I didn't,” I say emptily.

“Well, I suggest you read that first and then call me back as soon as possible,” he tells me, “I would love to get this sorted out as soon as possible. I will give you my number.”

“No need, I have it on my cell phone now,” I say and then hang up, standing quickly, rushing to my room. I hear Eren fumbling after me and I know that he has a million questions, but so do I and they can only be answered by the letter on my desk.

I burst into my room and grab the letter, ripping it open unceremoniously and I see that Mrs. Brown's clean handwriting.

I adjust my glasses and start reading.

_Levi,_

_I know you are a blunt person that prefers things straight to the point, so I won't waste time._

_I've already talked to my lawyer and I leave everything to you._

_ You have been the second son that I could never have. All the other family members I have probably will only show up to my funeral in hopes of getting an inheritance, but I know that you genuinely cared for an old woman like me. I wish you and Eren the best of luck. _

_Before I tell you what your inheritance is, I want you to promise me three things:_

_1) Take that boyfriend of yours to Belize. Heaven knows he deserves to see the ocean after all he's been through._

_2) Get yourself a dog or a cat. Something. I don't want you becoming lonely._

_3) Don't you dare let Eren get away from you. Next time I see you, it better be with you holding hands with him._

_That's all I really have to say to you, Levi-dear. Take good care of everything and lead a good life. I don't think you are as lost as you believe yourself to be._

_What I leave you is this: my house and it's property, my car that hasn't been used in nearly two years (it might need to be looked at), and my entire savings which values at almost 12.6 million._

_How do you like that? I bet you didn't know this old crone was rich!_

_And I know you are already thinking of rejecting your inheritance, but I would strongly suggest that you don't. None of my relatives will take care of everything as well as you would and you won't use the money for frivolous things._

_You've got a bright future ahead of you, Levi. I hope that you make the most of it._

_From, Margret Brown_

I set the letter down and try to comprehend what just happened.

“Holy fuck,” I say breathlessly, sinking to the floor. Eren is fluttering around me helplessly, but I can't focus on him.

“Holy fucking shit!” I yell and he flinches and I can't get the words to explain what is happening to me right now.

Twelve, almost thirteen, million fucking dollars. And a fucking house. The old bat had made sure that I would be set for life and then some. She knew that I was stingy when it came to money and she had  _ fucking given me twelve million dollars _ . Who the fuck does that? How the fuck did she even get that much money?

My mom, attracted by my shout, bursts into my room, make-up half done. Eren is scanning over the letter and I can't seem to focus.

“Levi?” she says worriedly and she comes to me quickly and crouches, “Levi, what's the matter? What's wrong?”

Eren looks up from the letter with wide eyes, watching me closely.

“I'm...I'm a fucking millionaire.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that 12.6 million might seem a little excessive, but it will be explained a little more in the next "Present" chapter. Some people are just that damn rich, right? 
> 
> RirenLover-if-anything-at-all totally called Mrs. Brown leaving Levi her fortune and I applaud you.
> 
> And for [nightcrawler554](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nightcrawler554/pseuds/nightcrawler554), did you know that platypodes (Platypuses? Platypi?) don't have stomachs? They just have an esophagus that attaches right to their intestines. Eating would almost be like an instant shit! How beautiful.
> 
> Hit me up at [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com). I like talking to you all!
> 
> Tracking the tag 'fic: ltw'.


	21. Past

Valentine's day rolled around and I got Eren the standard chocolate and flowers. Eren had actually suggested that we just hang out at his place after school and I was relieved. I was glad that I didn't have to spend an entire night dressed up at a restaurant. I had a feeling that would be awkward for the both of us, despite the fact that we were dating.

“Well, Levi,” Hanji laughed, “I had been expecting something a little more... _original_ from you.”

“At least I have someone to spend Valentine's day with, four-eyes,” I spat at her.

She put a hand over her heart and feigned hurt.

“I can't believe you would say that to me, Levi,” she fake sobbed, “I thought we were friends!”

“No, you were just some weird girl who ate her own crayons and then asked to borrow mine,” I said, making sure that all the flowers were in pristine condition.

“I seem to recall you being _very_ interested in the colors of my shits after that, though,” Hanji pointed out and I gave her an annoyed glare.

“Can you leave?” I asked her and she huffed.

“Fine, fine,” she said longsufferingly, “Erwin is going to be having fun with _his_ boyfriend. You are going to be having fun with _your_ boyfriend. It's weird that I'm the only one of the three of us who won't be getting laid on Valentine's day, but thems the breaks.”

With a final goodbye, she left my house.

What she said worried me a little. Eren and I hadn't slept together as of yet. It wasn't like I didn't want to, but having sex with a guy was vastly different than having sex with a girl. Or at least I thought so. And for once, Eren was more experienced in this aspect than I was, and it intimidated me a little, even though I would never tell him that.

“I'm going out, Mom!” I shouted and I heard the door to her study open.

“Alright! Have fun! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!” she replied and I rolled my eyes, knowing that there were quite a few things my mother _would_ do that I would never consider doing. Ever.

I took the car and drove to Eren's place. When I got there, I was surprised that there were no other cars in his driveway. Mikasa had just had her sixteenth birthday and had passed her driver's test with flying colors two days afterward. She had been saving up for a car for a while, Eren told me, and she had managed to buy herself a car. New to her, but it sure was fucking old. It still had a cassette player in it.

Usually, both her car and her parent's cars were there, but nobody's was in the driveway.

I knocked on the door and seconds later, Eren was opening it with a wide grin.

“Levi! Hey!” he said excitedly.

“You're already acting like it's been months since we've seen each other,” I say blandly, “We just saw each other at school.”

“Yeah, but now we aren't at school and I can actually do this,” he said before he bent down and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.

He pulled away and turned around, beckoning me inside the house. Good thing too, because that kiss, however innocent it may have been, just took the breath out of me.

I recuperated quickly and stepped inside the house. I took my shoes off and waited until Eren turned around to give him his roses and chocolates.

“Thanks!” he said a little shyly, “These...these are really nice Levi.”

“Sorry I'm not really creative with gifts,” I said a bit awkwardly, not sure if Eren really liked them or not.

“No!” he shouted, and this time, I didn't flinch. I was getting used to his noise levels when it came to his habit of speaking loudly whenever he felt intense emotions.

“No,” he repeated normally, “I love them! I just...nobody has ever bought me flowers before and it feels nice.”

He grinned at me and I swear I could have have kissed him right then and there, but he turned towards the kitchen.

“I think my mom has some vases or something in here,” he said as he went into the kitchen and I followed him.

“Where is everyone?” I asked him as he opened a cupboard and pulled out a glass vase.

“Hm?” he said, looking up at me, “Oh, uh, Mikasa is over at Jean's place and my parent's went out to dinner about fifteen minutes ago.”

“Oh,” I said and he looked over at me, “We can eat the chocolate together if you want. I rented Avatar because you said you had never seen it. Although, it was a lot better in 3D.”

I shrugged, just looking forward to spending time with Eren. We could have been watching a blank screen and I would have been happy.

“Romantic evening you have planned,” I teased and he laughed.

“Only the best for my boyfriend,” he said as he put the roses in the vase and filled it with water.

“No, Eren,” I said, setting down the chocolate and crossing over to him, “That's wrong.”

“What?”

“You don't just put the flowers in the water,” I took the vase out of his hand and set it down before I took the roses out, “You have to cut the tips off. They last longer like that.”

“I thought the little packet that came with them made them last longer,” he replied.

I shook my head.

“It helps, but it works a lot better if you cut the tip of the stems off,” I told him.

“Why?”

“Fuck if I know, Eren,” I sighed, “That's something you should probably ask Hanji. Now, get me some scissors.”

Eren did as he was asked and soon we were enveloped in comfortable silence as I snipped away at the stems.

Eren wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head on my shoulder.

“You know, this doesn't exactly make doing this easier,” I said, trying to shrug his head off my shoulder.

“Hmm, maybe not,” he replied, “But you looked so huggable, I couldn't resist.”

“You're an idiot,” I told him and he only chuckled before kissing my cheek and releasing me.

Once I finished on the stems, I put them back into the water and cleaned up the stem tips before washing my hands.

“Movie now?” Eren asked hopefully and I rolled my eyes and nodded.

We ended up ordering pizza and settling on the couch surrounded with blankets since it was February, and started the movie.

I hadn't seen Avatar and that certainly wasn't going to change because after we had eaten our fill of pizza, I had seized the opportunity to stick my tongue down Eren's throat.

Every time I kissed Eren, it only seemed to get better. We didn't fumble around awkwardly like we had at first. We were more sure of ourselves and of each other and the feeling of Eren's hands all over my body definitely helped.

He ran his fingers from the base of my spine to my nape until he reached underneath my shirt and started trailing his fingers along my chest.

I've seen him shirtless quite a few times and it never ceases to impress me. I knew that I had an eight pack due to copious amounts of time at the gym, but he did too. Sports does that to a person, especially when you are as fit as Eren. He and Mikasa go running at the ass crack of dawn every other day, he told me once, and on days he doesn't go running, he said he trains at the school's gym.

I wouldn't admit it, but that fact made me silently competitive to get in better shape than him. It was working, for the most part. I could still beat him in any physical activity thus far.

I moaned into his mouth and his fingers hesitated before he groped me more firmly, scratching at me with blunt nails. I brought a hand up into his hair and tangled my fingers in the brunet locks as I wrapped my other arm around his neck to keep him close to me.

His fingers splayed across my chest and surprisingly, he pushed me back so he was on top of me. This left me nowhere to escape to as he continued to kiss me deeply, not allowing the loss of rhythm that threatened to overtake us when I gasped in surprise.

He was overpowering me, and while unusual as he normally let me have control of the physical aspect of our relationship, it wasn't entirely unwelcome.

After a few moments of trying to claim the kiss as my own, I gave up and let him invade my mouth as I breathed hard through my nose, trying desperately to get some air. 

He pushed my shirt up, but didn't make any move to take it off me completely and pulled away as far as my arm would let him.

We both took in a breath of air before his lips attached to my jaw, pressing light kisses on my jaw and I was sure I let out the most embarrassing noise before I could stop myself. Eren smiled against my skin and continued his ministrations before he started on my neck. Only this time, they were open mouthed and he didn't just kiss, he  _sucked_ , tongue working over the skin and I bucked my hip upwards without thinking.

I hadn't noticed how hard I was until then and I noticed that Eren was thumbing around the waistline of my pants, fingers dipping slightly underneath them and tugging, silently asking for permission.

“Eren...” I gasped and he seemed to realize my hesitance and looked up at me.

“I didn't get you anything for Valentine's day and this seemed...appropriate,” he said in voice that was far too sultry, “I just wanted to...to suck you off, Levi.”

I was faintly relieved that he comprehended that I wanted to take things a bit slowly. For some reason, this was a lot easier with Petra, but I had a feeling that it was because I didn't like Petra as much as I liked Eren, so things weren't taken as seriously.

“Okay, Jaeger,” I smirked at him, “This better be a damn good present.”

He grinned and started to kiss my collarbone and his fingers fumbled for my zipper. I could tell he was nervous, and I would have told him he didn't have to if he didn't want to, but I suppose I was selfish because this was finally fucking happening.

His mouth dropped even lower and his tongue somehow found it's way to my nipples.

I had always been under the impression that nipples were more of a turn on tool for women, at least, Petra always loved it, but fuck if I didn't moan like a bitch in heat when Eren's hot mouth latched onto them.

I really needed to stop thinking about the shit Petra and I did in bed, because this was ten times better, even though it was just a blow job. It was more passionate and intimate and just...good all around, and Eren hadn't even put his mouth on me yet.

I would never tell her that, though, even though I'm sure she thought the same thing about sex with Auruo.

Gross, that was a mental image that almost turned me soft on the spot.

Eren, however, pervaded my thoughts as he tugged both my pants and underwear down to my ankles, my cock springing free, cool air making my legs get goosebumps.

Eren positioned himself between my legs, but didn't make any move to actually doing anything with my hardened cock.

“You going to sit there and stare at it all day or you going to put it into that pretty mouth of yours,” I said, albeit not as sharply as I had wanted and a bit breathless.

“Sorry, it's just...” he explained, “ _Bigger_ than I thought it would be.”

I raised myself to my elbows and glared at him.

“You thought I had a tiny dick?” I spat at him and he smiled impishly.

“Well, you _are_ kind of small for a guy, so I just thought your dick would be a little below average,” Eren said honestly, “But I think you are thicker than me, but I have you beat by, like, an inch.”  
I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to be flattered and impressed or angry and sulky. I went with the latter.

“You fucker,” I growled, sitting up fully, “Nevermind, let's just watch the damn m-ah!”

At that moment, Eren gave an experimental lick along the underside of my cock which made me forget any resentment I felt towards him.

I let myself fall back as Eren began to knead my balls lightly, mouthing along my dick, making it a bit difficult to breathe. I looked down at him and noticed he was staring at me, his usually bright green eyes darkened with lust.

That made my whole body shudder pleasantly and I tried to control my breathing, but that was made sufficiently difficult when Eren placed his mouth over the head of my cock and sucked.

“Fuuuuuuck,” I groaned as I watched him and with very precise movements and eyes that never left mine, he took me into his mouth.

Seeing Eren take my entire cock in one go, his cheeks bulging in a delicious way makes me forget to care about what kind of noises I'm making.

He pulls off and swirls his tongue around the tip.

“Shit, you fucker,” I said, “Fuck, Eren...”

I hear him chuckle before he takes me in again and then he fucking  _moans_ around me and that makes my elbows weak but I keep myself propped up to watch, not wanting to miss a second of this because  _holy shit I was actually getting head from Eren._

It wasn't until he swallowed around me that I fell backward and let my head be thrown back. My legs jerked upwards and I could feel my toes curling, but Eren never wavered. I could feel his eyes on me and it made my entire body buzz with electricity.

He bobbed his head, using his hand whenever his mouth wasn't on my cock and my hand threaded into his hair and started pulling, probably painfully, but he didn't complain.

His tongue was everywhere and my breath was coming in pants. I kept trying to stop my hips from bucking into his mouth, but he didn't seem to mind. 

He quickened his pace, seeming to realize that I was approaching my orgasm and the sounds coming from his throat were ungodly, but it only fed the fire in my gut.

My hand tightened in his hair while the other scrabbled for purchase on the couch beneath me before I started gripping above my head at the arm of the sofa.

“Eren...shit...I'm going to cum!” I practically yelled and I swear he fucking chuckled with my dick in his mouth but didn't pull off.

I orgasmed with a silent scream, Eren's mouth still working me as I practically pulled his hair out of his head. I felt hot all over and I knew I was trembling as he didn't pull away as I spilled into his mouth. He fucking swallowed it all like a champ, only a little dribbling out of the corner of his mouth before he pulled away from me with a popping sound. His tongue darted out to catch the remaining cum.

I laid there, too fucked out to care that I was laying on Eren's couch with my pants around my ankles. I laid there, trying to catch my breath, mind barely registering that Eren was grinning above me.

“Happy Valentine's Day,” he said excitedly and I returned the sentiments with a low groan.

“I'm,” I started, trying to breath normally again, “I'm trying not to get jealous over the fact that you can suck dick so well but I'm fucking glad that you can at the same time.”

He laughed before he carefully started to clean off my cock with tissues from the end table. I was struck by how fucking sweet he was being, cleaning me up after having given me a pretty spectacular blowjob.

He pulled my pants back up with care and started to move to get off the couch before I sat up. Before he, or even I, could comprehend the situation, I was on top of him.

“Do you really think that I would let the favor go unreturned?” I asked and he looked up at me with wide eyes.

“N-no,” he breathed, “It was a Valentine's day-”

I shushed him by groping him and he let out a keening whimper that would make me hard if I hadn't just orgasmed.

I approach it with a lot less grace than he did. I didn't think it would be complicated. It was a dick. I could just do to Eren what he did to me.

My fantasies of sucking Eren's dick came crumbling down once I put my mouth on his hardened member.

I took it easy at first, even earning a few appreciative whines that made me want to pull more noises from him. He kept repeating my name.

I tried to take as much of him in my mouth as I could, but then he screeched, “Teeth, Levi!”

I pulled off and looked at him, hearing his words and knowing that they sounded a bit pained.

He chuckled and looked down at me.

“Be careful of your teeth,” he said and smiled and not for the last time was I reminded that he was a lot better at this than I was.

I was careful to mind his advice and took up a steady rhythm, using my hand for what my mouth couldn't reach. Eren was right when he said he was longer than I was, but not quite as thick. The tip of his dick kept hitting the back of my throat and I kept having to gasp for air.

Eren, to his credit, was extremely patient and actually seemed to be enjoying it, despite my lack of experience in dick sucking.

At one point, I tried to take all of him in my mouth and ended up choking. Eren pulled my head away gently and said, “As good as you choking on my dick feels, I think that neither one of us wants you to puke on the couch. It's alright to go slow, Levi.”

He wasn't being condescending and the fact that he was better at this than I was pissed me off, but I had never had anyone to practice sucking dick with before.

But my inexperience seemed to make us...equals.

I actually found a method and rhythm that worked for both of us, me fondling his balls as I bobbed my head and used my other hand to pump where my mouth wasn't.

He was loud, louder than I was when he came, my name ripping out of his throat like a desperate prayer, and despite his warnings that he was going to cum, I didn't pull off, wanting to attempt to swallow just as he did.

But the taste was bitter and it came shooting out faster than I expected. I choked, and pulled away, but that was a terrible idea in itself because I ended up with a face full of semen. I continued to pump Eren's length as he continued to climax, but I was absolutely disgusted at the mess we had both just made.

Eren let out a ragged sigh before he looked at me and he began to fucking giggle.

“What the fuck is it?” I asked, sitting up and trying to find some more tissues. My face needed to be washed terribly, but I didn't want the sticky residue to even start drying on me. This was fucking messy and I was almost appalled I had let this happen. Almost.

“I'm sorry,” he gasped, “But your face is priceless. You look so...offended.”

He laid his head back down and threw an arm over his face as he laughed. And fuck him for his laughter being infectious because I actually smiled.

“It's your damn fault,” I said, still trying to sulk.

“I warned you!” he said, “It's not my fault you are trying to be a pro your first time sucking a dick.”

I grumbled and cleaned him up as well. The whole time, he watched me. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but didn't.

“What?” I eventually snapped.

He blushed, but he spoke anyway.

“I was just thinking that you must really want to wash your face and brush your teeth, but you are cleaning me up first,” he said bashfully.

To be honest, I did want to do those things. I felt so incredibly dirty right now, it was making my skin crawl and I wanted, no,  _needed_ to get to the bathroom soon or I was going to have a full meltdown.

I shrugged, trying to be casual.

“You're more important,” I said, but I did stand after I pulled his pants up, “But I do need a bathroom now, and you can be guaranteed that I'm not going to be kissing you if you don't brush your teeth either.”

Eren looked a bit speechless but then he nodded and stood up, taking my hand and leading me to the bathroom.

“Alright, Grumpy,” he agreed happily.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figures that the longest chapter I've written so far would be smut.
> 
> I hate writing smut mostly for the reason that I'm not that good at it, but they say practice makes perfect. I feel like I'm just writing "His dongle went in the dingle hole and then VWOOP VWOOP feel good yeah sexy breathing time". It's always a lot better reading smut than writing it, at least for me.
> 
> Giraffes have no vocal cords, just in case you guys wanted to know another random animal fact.


	22. Present

Dealing with a large inheritance was a lot more work than I had originally thought. I had to separate the money into different bank accounts. That was to ensure that if one account was hacked into, all my money wouldn't be taken.

Then there were her relatives who tried to contest her will, saying that I had no right to the money. Fortunately, they were shot down right away. I felt sorry for them until they made it obvious that all they wanted from Mrs. Brown was her money.

Ian suggested that I spend some of it right away, but I declined, knowing that I would keep Mrs. Brown's promise. But there was also another issue I wanted to take care of.

“I'm afraid it's not possible, Levi,” Mr. Jaeger says sadly.

“Why not?” I ask, raising my voice, “I have tons of money! There has to be something we can do, right?”

We are sitting in the Jaeger's kitchen at the table. I had come over when I knew Mikasa and Armin were taking Eren to a movie so he wouldn't overhear the conversation.

“Levi, let me assure you that as a doctor and a father, I've looked into everything I could,” Grisha saus, “Vocal cord transplants, electrolarynx, even the replacement of his entire throat and esophagus. I'm _still_ looking for a way to give my son his voice back, but...whatever that bastard did to Eren, he ensured that it wouldn't be possible.”

“Bullshit!” I yell as I smash my fist onto the table and both Mr. Jaeger and his wife jump.

“Levi,” Carla says softly, “Nobody wants to see Eren be able to speak as much as we do. But, and Grisha could probably say it better, but when they took him into that operating room just after he was found, they couldn't believe he had survived that long. That coach...he really messed Eren's throat up. My son could barely breath and the damage was too extreme. He died three times on that table, Levi, just so the doctors could get him to breath normally and have his esophagus function properly again. If we even tried to...do anything, he could very well die for good.”

I shake my head, not wanting to believe a word of what she is saying.

“But...he's healed since then, right?” I ask with a sliver of hope, “If he's healed...it would be easier, right? There would be less of a risk?”

By the looks on their faces, I can see that I'm wrong.

“Organs are normally sturdy and strong,” Grisha says, “But if damaged, it can be hard to fix them. The surgeons did the best they could, but even now, Eren has to get checked up on a regular basis to make sure his larynx is the way it is supposed to be. That man did more than just take his vocal cords. He completely destroyed Eren's throat.”

I was brought back to the memory of Eren trying to eat for the first time when he was in the hospital. He had acted like he expected to cough and I remember being told that the passages had been scrambled or something like that and that there had been food in his lungs causing aspiration pneumonia. He had been fucked up to the moon and back.

We sit in silence before Carla stands and asks if I want anything more to drink, but I shake my head.

“I...” I start, gaining their attention, “I'm not going to stop looking for a way to get his voice back.”

They stare at me before Carla's eyes get a determined look in them and Grisha smiles.

“Neither are we, Levi,” he answers and I know we have just reached some level of respect for each other.

Even after talking to them, I decide to call Hanji to see what she thought. She was the smartest person I knew, so I chance it and ask her.

“I hate to say it, Levi, but Doctor Jaeger probably knows more about this than I do,” she says over the phone, “Yeah, there are a lot of experimental surgeries, but they don't do any good if cutting open his throat runs the risk of him not surviving.”

“There is really nothing you can think of?” I ask desperately.

“I'm not a doctor, Levi,” she tells me, voice full of pity, “And even when I become one, I won't become _that_ kind of doctor. I'm not exactly the most knowledgeable. But, I would take Doctor Jaeger's word on it. Odds are he has probably spent all of his time trying to figure out a way to change Eren's situation.”

I have to admit she is probably right. Eren's dad was completely serious when he said they weren't going to give up either. But I hated the fact that I had a fuck ton of money but absolutely no way to help Eren.

I was about to speak to Hanji again when I heard a loud shout come from her end of the line.

“Hanji?” I ask, a bit concerned.

“Zoe! You shouldn't be mixing those while you are the phone!” a new voice shouts from somewhere in the background.

“I'm fine, Mo!” she replies cheerily, “It didn't drop on my leg, so I'm fine.”

“But it's actually eating away at the chair. Maybe I should do it while you talk, okay?”

“Fine, fine,” she huffs but then turns her attention back to me, “You still there, Levi?”

“Yeah,” I answer, “What was that all about?”

“Oh, I'm in the lab with my class partner, Moblit. Say hi, Mo!” I hear an exasperated 'Hello' and I pity the poor soul that was paired off with Hanji as a lab partner, “We're doing some extra credit right now.”

“You sound like you are giving him gray hairs prematurely,” I say and she snorts.

“Nah, he just tends to be a bit more careful than I am,” she tells me and I can hear the dude protesting and saying something about him valuing his life.

“You could stand to be more careful, Shit-Specs,” I say.

“You can't call me that!” she protests, “You have glasses too now!”

“Doesn't mean they're shitty,” I retort and she laughs.

“Whatever you say, Small Fry,” she chuckles and I growl, “I have to go now, but I'll text you later and I'll see you in a month!”

Oh, that's right. Hanji and Erwin would be back for winter break. I find myself growing excited.

“Right, see you later, Hanji,” I say, “Try not to kill the both of you over there.”

“No promises!” she says before she hangs up.

I sigh.

It's strange to think that all of my high school classmates are in their second year of college now. I might be inclined to think that I have nothing going for me, but I have a job I enjoyed, for the most part, and I am a fucking millionaire.

Legalities of my inheritance aside, I haven't stepped foot into Mrs. Brown's place. It's too strange at the moment to do so, even thought the place is mine legally. I know I should clean the place out and find out what to keep and what to get rid of, but I can't find the courage to go over and do so.

So the key sits in the first drawer of my desk as I procrastinate.

One thing I don't want to delay is the condition that I take Eren to see the ocean. I decide that Eren would probably be more comfortable if he could take Armin and Mikasa with him. I don't have my passport and I'm not sure if the other three do, so I text all of them and tell them that I want to talk.

We decide to meet at Eren's place, which seems to have always been the standard meeting place.

I haven't seen Armin in a while due to him commuting and juggling a lot of classes, but over all he looks good.

“Can I get you guys something to drink?” Mikasa asks and both Armin and I go for a water while Eren merely shakes his head.

Once we get situated, Armin asks, “So, what's this about?”

I look over to Eren and I see him watching me closely. I've started to notice that he has been wearing a red scarf around his neck a lot more recently as an effort to cover up the nasty looking scar he has. He told me once that the scarf was a gift from him to Mikasa a long time ago.

I clear my throat, deciding to address the scarf thing later.

“I'm sure Eren's already told you, but I'm fucking rich now,” I say and I don't wait for their reactions, “One of the conditions was that I take Eren to see the ocean and I'm inviting the two of you as well.”

Eren's eyes widen, not expecting my words.

“Wait, you want us to come with the two of you?” Armin asks and Mikasa is giving me a hard look that's not malicious, but analytical.

“Yeah, Arlert,” I say, “That's why I asked. I figured Eren would want you guys there too.”

I looked to Eren for confirmation and he nodded his head, looking more animated about the entire thing.

“And just when do you think any of us have the time to go on this trip?” Mikasa asks and I roll my eyes at her tone.

“I found out that you and Armin are on spring break at the same time,” I answer, “I was hoping we could go then.”

She thinks this over, but Armin, for once, doesn't.

“I'd love to go!” he says excitedly before turning to Eren, “We're going to get to see the ocean! It's going to be great!”

Eren grinned at Armin and looked over at me with a silent look of gratitude. I knew that he was more excited for Armin's sake, but he did want to go as well.

“Where exactly are we going?” Mikasa asks and I bit my lip.

“Belize,” I answer.

Armin's eyes get wide and Mikasa's mouth drops open.

“Belize?” Armin squeaks, “We are going out of the country?”

“Yeah, so if you don't have a passport, you should probably get one,” I tell all three of them, “You probably should talk it over with your parents first, though.”

I added the last part as an afterthought, but I notice that Mikasa seems a little less against the idea once I mention it.

Still, she shuffles for a moment, seeming hesitant to agree, and Eren looks at her until she looks up.

“ _Do you not want to come?_ ” he asks, and damn it all, he's pulling that puppy dog look on her.

“It's not that,” she mumbles, “Of course I want to come.”

Eren looks as equally baffled by her behavior as I do. Armin looks over at me and mouths, ' _Jean'_ , and everything clicks.

I sigh.

“If Eren's okay with it,” I say, “You both can bring someone else, too.”

Eren looks confused for a moment before looking over at Mikasa. A look of realization crosses his face and I can tell he doesn't know exactly what he's feeling. I think it's the first time he realizes that Jean is actually going to be a more permanent fixture in Mikasa's life than he had ever thought the two-toned haired boy would.

Mikasa and Jean had been together for a long time, longer than even Eren and I. Even I hadn't thought about how serious their relationship was until now. The fact that Mikasa wasn't going to agree right away just to be close to her brother as she once would have says a lot about how she felt about her boyfriend.

Something like abandonment flashes in Eren's eyes, but he covers it well and nods.

“ _The more the merrier_ ,” he says, smiling.

“It's extra money,” Mikasa argues, but it's half-hearted.

“I have plenty to spare,” I point out and she thinks it over.

“Alright,” she nods, “I want to bring Jean.”

Eren looks to the floor but doesn't say anything. Both Armin and Mikasa are focused on me, so they don't notice Eren reach up to wipe at his eyes.

Eren thinks he was losing his sister.

“If it's alright,” Armin says shyly, blushing slightly “I'd like to bring someone too...”

“Yes, it's fine if you bring Annie along,” I say with the wave of my hand, still focused on Eren, “Fuck knows that Mikasa needs someone to sit and brood with.”

Armin turns bright red at the mention of his somewhat girlfriend. They aren't dating, but they are sure close enough to do so if they wanted.

“So if that's everything for now, I wanted to ask you guys another question,” I say and Eren turns his attention to me as well. His eyes are dry, but there is a hardness underneath the curiosity that makes me think that this distraction is going to be good for him.

“I want you to find some organizations that would benefit from donations,” I tell them, “Non-profit preferably. I don't want my money lining someone's pockets when there are others who need it a lot more.”

“You're donating all your money?” Mikasa asks, obviously surprised.

“Not all of it,” I answer, “But I sure as fuck don't need nearly thirteen million dollars, plus the value of whatever she has inside the house too. Her lawyer told me that was quite a bit as well.”

There is a pause where everyone thinks over what I just said and decides where the money could go.

“Definitely somewhere that helps children get the education they need,” Armin says, “There are lots of places nationally and internationally that could benefit from something like that.”

“An organization that helps women get out of abusive relationships and provides support for them,” Mikasa says quickly, as if she is afraid I will say no.

They are good suggestions and I wonder why I didn't think of them, but it makes me all the more glad I asked. I could ask Erwin and Hanji their opinions later.

I look to Eren and he chews on his lip thoughtfully.

“ _A place that provides for kidnap victims and helps them get back on their feet_ ,” he says and Mikasa reaches a hand out to rub his shoulder, “ _Or you could donate so a tribe in Africa can have clean water and food._ ”

I should have written their suggestions down, but I figure I will remember in the end.

“Alright, sounds good to me,” I say, “Each of you find a place and tell me and I will donate there. I trust your judgment on this. Don't just go with the first thing you see.”

They all agree and we somewhat disperse after that. Mikasa goes to call Jean and tell him about the vacation, but Armin stays.

“You aren't losing her,” he says suddenly and I look up at him to realize he's talking to Eren.

Eren fixes him with a glare.

“I'm serious, Eren,” Armin says strongly, “Just because she loves someone else, doesn't mean she loves you any less.”

“ _Leave it alone, Armin_ ,” he says with a pained look on his face and Armin sighs, deciding not to speak anymore.

“He's right though,” I say and Eren glowers at me, “I won't say anything else, but Armin's right.”

Eren looks down at the floor before he tells us he is going to watch some TV and we are welcome to join. He tugs on the scarf and adjusts his earbuds and gives us a bright smile.

But once again, it's lost its luster as it appears forced.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, filler chapter, but a lot of important things happened.
> 
> Don't have a fun fact for you guys, but have a picture of Eren-giraffe climbing on the neck of Levi-giraffe [instead](http://media.tumblr.com/ffe44fc2a95c70a2ff925048bf881190/tumblr_inline_n38duxhwiy1rzf7d9.jpg). My [friend](http://i-really-like-her-mane.tumblr.com/post/81145953033/so-my-friend-was-telling-me-about-an-rp-she-was) made that a while ago and I thought it was appropriate.


	23. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We interrupt this program for self-indulgent smut.

Having impromptu blowjobs seemed to get us hornier than we already were. Or perhaps that was just me since I was determined to master the act, not that Eren complained. In fact, he was always more than happy to do the same for me.

But I had other things to worry about than dick sucking. Eren's sixteenth birthday was quickly approaching and I had absolutely no idea what to get him.

“What did you get Mike for his birthday?” I asked Erwin during lunch about a week and half before the big day.

Erwin thought.

“Well, I went up to visit him, gave him some cologne that he likes because it's not too strong, took him out to dinner, and then...well, I'm sure I don't have to tell you the rest,” Erwin shrugged.

“No, you really don't,” I assured him, “Well, what did he get you for your birthday?”

“Pretty much the same thing, only replace the cologne with an industrial sized jar of peanut butter,” he answered.

Hanji burst into laughter while I crinkled my nose.

“You have a problem,” I told the blond but he didn't even look ashamed.

“A delicious, creamy problem,” he said happily and I rolled my eyes.

“You could always just ask him what he wants,” Hanji suggested.

“But wouldn't that ruin the surprise?” I asked.

“It's better than getting him a lame gift,” Hanji pointed out.

“She's right,” Erwin agreed, “Not everything has to be a surprise. He might even appreciate the fact that you asked.”

I sighed and looked down at the table.

“I just thought that I would know him enough to get him something without asking,” I admitted, “I mean, he knew what kind of tea to get me for my birthday.”

“You should have seen him trying to figure it out, though,” Erwin told me, “He called me worried that he was going to get you a lame gift you wouldn't like. He was debating between the tea and some cleaning supplies. The poor kid was practically sweating like his tall friend trying to figure it out.”

That made me feel a little bit better.

However, just asking him seemed like a stupid idea once I got the opportunity Much to my surprise, though, he turned bright red when I asked.

“I...w-well, I would like something,” he manage to stammer out before rushing through his next sentence, “Butyoucantotallysaynoifyouwantto.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Just tell me what you want, idiot,” I sighed.

He took in a deep breath as if to get the courage to say something and then started.

“Well, I just know that we've been taking this whole thing slow. Not that I'm complaining or anything!” he seemed keen on making sure I knew that, “But, I would really like to...to have sex...for my birthday.”

I bit my lip. If I was being honest with myself, I had been putting it off, but not because I didn't want to do it, but because it seemed like a lot more than just sex if I did it with Eren and that somewhat intimidated me.

“Fine,” I said and I could feel a faint blush coming on so I looked down, “We can do it for your birthday.”

“Are you sure? I don't want to pressure you into anything or-”

“Eren, shut the fuck up,” I rolled my eyes, “If I didn't want to do it, I would tell you to fuck off. I'm just wondering how fucking lame we are for planning an actual day to fuck each other for the first time.”

Eren grinned sheepishly at me before he kissed me on the cheek.

“You're the best boyfriend ever, Levi,” he said and fuck it all, that went right to my ego.

“You're damn right I am.”

However, for the next week, I was on edge. I didn't know if my friends had picked up on it and if they had, they didn't say anything.

It was fucking ridiculous to get nervous about it especially since I had had sex before, but this was sex with _Eren,_ and somehow, it seemed hugely different. Nevermind the fact that he was a guy, it was Eren himself that made me feel like I could fuck this up.

I made sure to research how to best make Eren feel good about the whole thing. We had discussed it and he had let me know that he was more than okay with bottoming. I wasn't sure if I could see myself bottoming anytime soon, but it was a relief to me that Eren had agreed so easily.

Researching gay sex wasn't something I had ever thought I would do, but it was for Eren, so I was more than willing to do it if it meant that he wouldn't end up hurt in the end.

Eren's birthday was a flurry of excitement. He hadn't wanted a birthday party, but his parents had decided to get him a cake and invite some friends over anyway. With all the activity, it was silently decided that the actual day of his birthday probably wasn't going to be the day we did it. Not that we would have any alone time to do it anyway.

However, the day after was a Saturday and it was also the day that Eren wound up in my bed, half naked and panting beneath me.

“You don't-”

“Shut up,” I snapped, knowing that he felt like he had pushed me into this, even though we both knew this was what I wanted. In reality, a push was probably what I needed. I wanted him and he looked delicious, flushed and waiting.

He shut his mouth immediately, but I noticed he was looking as nervous as I felt. I leaned down and kissed him gently. He allowed me entrance into his mouth and I ran my hands up his chest, determined to feel every inch of his skin with my fingers.

He shifted slightly beneath me and I broke the kiss, opting to kiss along his jaw, nibbling slightly, before tasting the skin of his neck.

His hand came up to my forearm as I started to leave bruising marks from my mouth alone and I heard his breath catch. I looked up at him and he gazed back at me with hooded eyes that started to stir something in my gut.

“You're shaking,” he whispered, as if he spoke to loud he would ruin the moment.

I elected to ignore him and tried to return to pampering him, but he took my face in his hands and pulled me down for another kiss. It was a lingering kiss that made me want to devour him whole and I didn't even notice him pushing my shirt up until I had to pull away to get it over my head.

I sat over him, straddling his stomach as I looked down at him.

He laughs and it seems to dissolve all the tension in the air.

“We've sucked each other's dicks, you would think this is the last thing we would be nervous about,” he chuckled.

“Who says I'm nervous?” I challenged and he rolled his eyes.

“Levi, I _know_ you. You may look bored and emotionless to most people, but I can always tell what you're feeling,” he says confidently.

I look at him as I think over his words.

“You're full of shit,” I said and he only laughs some more.

“Whatever you say,” he conceded but I didn't give him any more time to say anything else.

I bent over and started kissing his chest as I reached a hand down to cup his groin.

“Levi!” he gasped and I smirked with satisfaction.

I massaged him through his jeans as I left bite marks on his chest. In recent weeks, I found that his nipples seemed to be just as sensitive as mine were, if not more. Who would have thought that I would have been the kind of guy into nipple play, but that was beside the point.

I took one of them in my mouth and my tongue started to work around it, teeth nipping at it slightly before turning my attention the other one, giving them equal attention.

Eren ground his hips upward and I was starting to feel the hard arousal in my hand.

He raised his hands to grip my shoulders tightly, blunt fingernails pressing into my skin.

“Levi...” he moaned and I hummed in response.

“Levi, please,” he tried again and I ground the heel of my palm into his clothed dick.

He threw his head back and let out a shout and I was glad that my mom had to work today, otherwise getting anywhere with the situation would have been impossible.

I could feel myself getting hard as well. I shimmied down to undo his pants and with his help, got his pants off.

“Yours too,” he insisted breathlessly.

I stood and took the rest of my clothes as well. While I was up, I decided to raid my bedside table for a condom and some lube from the many I had from my friends for Christmas.

I turned to see Eren staring at me hazily.

“What?” I asked, a little self-conscious about standing in front of him with a raging boner.

“You're beautiful,” he said simply and I couldn't fight the warm feeling that rushed to my face.

“Fuck off,” I said, rolling my eyes, trying to play off my embarassment.

He laughed again as I got back onto the bed, but I cut the laugh off when I started trailing my hands along the inside of his thighs.

I bent down to kiss the his thighs and he made a strange choking noise that I took to mean that he was enjoying the feeling.

I ran my hands up his legs and had them rest on his hips as my mouth trailed biting kisses up his legs until I reached his now completely hard cock.

I took it in my hand and pumped experimentally a few times, watching him arch up into my hand.

“Fuck!” he shouted and I took him in my mouth, sucking sloppily, just to get a reaction out of him.

“Stop fucking teasing me,” he tried to command, but the effect was lost with his wavering voice.

If I had had more self-control, I wouldn't have listened to him, especially since I had barely done any teasing at all in my mind, but I pulled my mouth away from his dick and grabbed the lube.

He watched me as I uncapped the bottle and poured some of the lube onto my fingers. I rubbed around to get it a bit warmer before I positioned them at his entrance.

“Put a pillow underneath you,” I said, “It will be easier.”

He did as I asked, painstakingly slow and smiled at me when he was ready.

“I'm going to put my fingers in,” I said and he nodded, heaving a deep breath.

He whimpered. He actually fucking whimpered and I hadn't realized that such a sound could come from someone so brash. And the sound went straight to my dick.

However, I noticed something strange as I put my first finger in.

“Eren...did you already prepare yourself?” I asked and he grinned at me.

“Maybe,” he answered, “I was excited, so I took a little extra time to get ready this morning. But I don't think my fingers will ever be able to get as deep as yours.”

That made my body shiver pleasantly and I didn't feel bad about inserting a second finger in almost immediately, knowing that Eren was ready for it.

He squirmed and moaned and I started to curl my fingers, looking for the right spot. This was my first time actually fingering him, so it took me a couple minutes before I finally brushed the sensitive bundle of nerves.

He nearly screamed, hands clenching in the sheets as he arched his back. I would have thought I had hurt him if I hadn't researched this beforehand.

That was how I knew he was ready for a third finger and I slipped it in, scissoring my fingers apart slightly before I brushed his prostate once more.

“Levi! Fuck, me, Levi! Please!” he gasped and I watched him as he kept turn his face side to side as if the pleasure was overwhelming him.

“Patience, grasshopper. I haven't stretched you enough yet,” I said, even though I wanted nothing more than to fuck him. I wanted this to be pleasurable for him since it was his birthday.

“I don't care!”

I sighed, knowing that his patience level had always been extremely low. I ignored him as he continued to plead and I made sure he was more than ready for me. It was better safe than sorry.

I finally pulled my fingers out and grabbed the condom and ripped it open before I rolled it onto my dick. My hard member twitched and I let out a blissful sigh as I touched it. It had gone without attention for too long.

I hitched Eren's legs up and positioned myself.

“Are you ready?” I asked and he looked up at me with such a raw look of desire that I almost regretted asking.

“Yes,” he hissed.

I nodded and started to slowly push into him.

I briefly thought about how I could probably no longer deny I was gay anymore.

Eren was still beneath me, breathing in deeply and I knew that despite his preparation and my preparation, it would still feel uncomfortable.

“Am I hurting you?” I asked and he shook his head.

“Keep going,” he whispered.

I kept pushing in slowly until I bottomed out. I stayed there, waiting for Eren to adjust to the feeling. His eyes clenched shut before they fluttered open and looked at me.

“You can move,” he told me finally and I moved my hips backwards before I snapped my hips back into him again.

It was clumsy and awkward trying to find a rhythm. I could tell Eren was getting more comfortable with the feeling of my dick in his ass, but he was still trying to find the pleasure. I reached up and started to stroke his dick in time with my thrusts and he choked and let loose a string of swear words.

However, the position wasn't working for me exactly, so I leaned forward and took him by the waist, pulling him up into my lap and sat back on my ass so he was sitting on me, my cock still hard inside him.

“Levi!” he said, surprised at the sudden change.

I thrust my hips into him and I immediately knew that this position was better. I hit the spot in Eren and he threw his arms around me and cried out into my neck.

I started to pick up speed, actually able to find the right pace this time, thrusting up into Eren as he ground down into me. He kept whispering my name into my ear and that only fueled my desire to make him come apart in my arms.

He was scratching at my back with every thrust as I kept my hands on his hips, moving him against me while I rubbed small circles into his skin.

I was panting hard myself, grunting with exertion and hearing myself call Eren's name over and over again.

“Levi...” Eren said in wrecked tone of voice that only I wanted to hear from him from now on, “I-I c-can't hold on m-much longer...”

Good, because I didn't know how much more I could do before I lost myself.

“Do it,” I growled, “Do it, Eren.”

His nails dug into my back even more and I knew I was going to be sporting scratch marks for a couple days. He threw his head back and came with a shout, trembling. Cum came spurting from him and covered both of our stomachs.

I continued to pound into him, working him through his orgasm before felt a white hot burst of pleasure rush through me and without thinking about it, I bit down on Eren's shoulder. I was thrusting my hips erratically as I let myself be taken over with the pure feeling of cumming.

Eventually, my hips slowed and I took a few minutes to catch my breath. Eren was breathing just as heavily as me, limp in my arms and forehead on my shoulder.

“Happy birthday,” I said, kissing his ear and he laughed.

“Best birthday present ever,” He said and I smirked.

“Of course it was,” I said, “Now get off me. I want to get this condom off.”  
He pulled away from me and I took the condom off before I tied it up and threw it away in my bathroom. I got a washcloth and cleaned Eren's semen off my stomach before I returned to the bed, seeing Eren sprawled out across my bed and I decided that was a sight I could get used to.

I cleaned him up carefully, making sure that I got everything and he grinned at me.

“Not many people take care of the person after they fuck,” He said.

“You're my fucking boyfriend,” I said, “And I'm not just going to let you stay in my bed all cum covered.”

“Hmm,” Eren hummed happily before looking up at me, “Round two?”

I could only roll my eyes at the fucking kid's sex drive.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look, more porn. I apologize. 
> 
> I have no clever lines right now it's late and I'm super tired but you can find me at [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com).
> 
> I just want to say thank you to all of you. I've hit over 10,000 hits with this story and I would never have been able to do it without you guys. I want to reply to each and every comment but there are a lot and I'm busy with work usually, but if you ever want to talk to me, just send me and ask. :) 
> 
> Once again, thank you all so, so much! You are the best! *Group Hug*


	24. Present

I hear the door open and I barely pull myself from unconsciousness before someone jumps on my bed, landing on top of me.

“Levi!”

Fuck, I know that voice.

“Hanji, what the everliving fuck?” I hiss at her as I try and push her off me.

“Morning to you, grumpy!” she says, pulling the blanket off me.

I groan, feeling the frigid air wash over me and mourn the loss of my warm sanctuary. I curled up into a ball, trying to get as much warmth from my own body as possible, but Hanji was shaking me.

“You don't have to work today, right? Of course that's right! It's Thursday! Therefore, get your lazy ass out of bed. We have a busy day today.”

That is news to me and I open an eye to glare at her.

“As far as I'm concerned, I'm waking up for another three hours and have nothing planned until this afternoon,” I grumble.

“Well, your plans have changed!” Hanji says, getting off the bed and taking my arm to pull me off the bed.

I curl up even more, hoping this will be a an indication that I'm not fucking going anywhere, but she continues to tug until I crash to the floor.

“Fuck, Hanji! Take a hint!” I yell, sitting up and rubbing my arm and my side where I landed.

“Do I need to get Erwin?” she asks.

“Erwin is probably asleep or spending time with his family,” I say, “You know, since you guys just got back yesterday and should be enjoying winter break. Without me preferably.”

“Nope!” she grins and crosses my room to open my dresser drawer, “He's in the car waiting for you to get down there. Everyone else is already there.”

She tosses me a pair of skinny jeans and some underwear as I process her words.

“Everyone else?” I ask suspiciously.

“Yep!” she answers but doesn't explain.

“Hanji...” I start but she shakes her head.

“Don't start with me, Levi,” she says seriously, “This is for your own good.”

Her unusually commanding tone leaves no room for argument and I begrudgingly stand to put my clothes in the bathroom.

'Everyone else' apparently includes almost all of my friends and some of Eren's friend group. 'There' means Mrs. Brown's house.

“I managed to round up everybody and even got your friend Isabel to come!” Hanji says happily as she parks, “Farlan couldn't make it because he was working. Ymir and Krista went on vacation for the holiday and-”

“I'm not fucking doing this,” I interrupt, “Take me the fuck home.”

“Levi-” Erwin starts

“No,” I say as calmly as I can, “I'm not going inside that woman's house. What the fuck are all of them doing here anyway?”

“It's _your_ house now, Levi,” Erwin says, “And we are all here to help you clean it out.”

“It's _not_ happening,” I say, thoroughly pissed off now, “Not today. Later, but not today. Take me home.”

“Levi, she died over a month ago,” Hanji says gently, “You can't keep putting this off. We are all here to help you. You can't keep putting this off.”

“Are you going to take me home or not?” I ask, ignoring her.

Erwin and Hanji glance at each other. Everyone else is standing in front of the house chattering, but giving sidelong glances towards the car. Sasha and Connie are here too, much to my surprise, and they seem to have started a snowball fight with Jean and Mikasa. Reiner is laughing at the scene and Bertholdt has a small smile on his face.

I remember that they can't get in since I have the key, but I don't particularly care all that much.

“Fine,” I say shortly, “I'll walk home.”

I get out of the car and hear Erwin and Hanji protesting, but I slam the car door shut and start walking down the street, not even sparing a glance at the people in front of the house.

I hear the footsteps running after me and I prepare to chew Hanji out, but then the person grabs my arm and turns me around to look at them. It's Eren, looking at me with those wide, beautiful eyes, questioning me.

“Eren...” I sigh, not sure what to say, “I can't do this. I'm not ready.”

He crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow and I can practically hear him saying 'Will you ever be ready?'

I look down and then back up at him.

“Look, Eren-”

He shakes his head, cutting me off.

“ _Don't make excuses,_ ” he says, “ _All of us are worried about you, you know. They want to help because we all know you aren't going to ever do it if we don't._ ”

“Tch,” I turn my head away irritatedly, knowing that he's right, but still not wanting to go into the house.

“ _Plus, we're all cold as balls and we would like to get warm,_ ” he said before he took my hand and started to drag me towards the house.

“Damn it, Eren!” I complain, but I don't struggle, knowing that I would become an even bigger dick than I already am if I left now.

“Levi!” Petra says as she jogs up to me and gives me a hug, Auruo coming behind her, “It's been forever!”

“Hey, Petra. Hey, Auruo,” I say, and she releases me, beaming.

“It's good to see you again,” Auruo admits.

Before I reply, I'm greeted by a snowball to the face. I hear Hanji snort as I wipe the snow off my face and glare at the culprit. Sasha is trying not to laugh but Connie looks awfully guilty.

“Springer, you don't get to come inside the house for another half hour for that,” I snap.

“Aw, come on!” he complains and Jean laughs at him.

I approach the house and heave a sigh before I fish out the keys and unlock the door.

Everything is the same as I had last seen it, save for a thin layer of dust covering everything. It's weird being here when Mrs. Brown isn't, especially since it still feels like her house.

Someone claps me on the back and I look up to see that it's Erd. He smiles cheerfully and this gets me in gear.

“Everyone hang their coats up and set their shoes by the door,” I command, “I'm not having you track snow and shit all over the house.”

Everyone files in and does as their told and look to me expectantly. I realize that since it is my house now, they are wanting to know what I want to do.

I look over them, grouping them together in my mind, trying to weigh out who would best work with each other.

“Alright, Connie and Jean, you've got the kitchen. Wash up whatever dirty dishes are in there and pack them all up. I've seen her dishes and they are ugly as fuck. Keep the silverware and glasses, though. Then clean every surface,” I tell them and they nod, “Sasha, Mikasa, Petra, and Auruo, you go to the basement and see what shit is down there and bring it upstairs. I want the basement spotless.”

“But what if there are spiders?” Sasha whines.

“Then dust and get rid of them,” I say shortly before moving on, “Annie, Bert, and Ernie. You guys get the master bedroom and bathroom. Tear off all the blankets and pillowcases and take them into the laundry room along with all the dirty clothes. Any clean clothes should be packed up so we can take them to the thrift store. Any underwear should be burned.”

Everyone seems to be taking their directions well so far, so I continue.

“Gunter and Erd are going to work on the guest bedrooms and Mike and Ewin are going to work on the living room and hallways. Any pictures you find are to be packed up so we can send them to her last remaining family,” I say, “Armin and Hanji are going to be with Eren, Izzy, and I in the attic. Everybody clear?”

Everyone nods and gives noises of agreement and I take that to mean that they are all ready.

“What the fuck are you all standing around for?” I ask and they all take off in separate directions.

“This is going to be fun, Big Bro!” Isabel says happily, slinging an arm around my shoulders.

“You have obviously never cleaned with Levi before,” Hanji smiles.

“Big Bro?” Armin questions.

“Yup!” Isabel says, “Levi is kinda like the big brother I never had.”

I honestly think that Isabel feels almost indebted to me, which I find ridiculous, despite the fact I had helped her out when we had first met.

“Enough talking,” I say, “You dragged me out here to clean the damn house, so let's do it.”

The attic turns out to be a mess. There is junk piled in precarious towers and most of the shit looks like it hasn't been touched in decades.

“It's kinda cold,” Isabel whines.

“Get to work and you won't be,” I tell her and she pouts.

“This room is going to take the longest,” Armin points out.

“That just means that when everyone is done with their share, they can come up here!” Hanji says, clapping her hands together.

“Shit-Specs...you don't actually expect us to clean out the entire house today, right?” I ask. Not only is it ridiculous, it's highly improbable.

Hanji looks over at me and furrows her eyebrows.

“Well, of course I do,” she says, “Why do you think we are all up so early and there are so many of us?”

I sigh and rub my face. It was going to be a fucking long day.

We started, jumping right into it since there wasn't an organized way to start. Most of the shit we found were old books that we packed up to take to an antique store. There were several creepy looking baby dolls that must have been from Mrs. Brown's childhood.

“Hey, Levi,” Armin calls over at some point, showing me a huge book.

“Yeah, whatever,” I say, “Take whatever you want.”

“Does this mean I can have these roller blades?!” Isabel shouted from the other end of the attic.

“Yeah.”

“And this tophat?” I hear Hanji ask.

“Sure.”

I look over at Eren to see if he wants anything. He's inspecting an old vest and I grin.

“Yes, you are _definitely_ keeping that,” I tell him and he looks up at me and blushes.

Isabel is suddenly right beside me

“A vest? Why would you want a smelly old vest, Eren?” she asks, wrinkling her nose.

“Because he looks fucking sexy in them, that's why,” I answer and Eren blushes even more before flipping me the bird.

“He's right, Eren,” Armin teases, “Even I went a little gay on prom night when you wore that.”

Eren rolls his eyes and tugs at his scarf.

“ _Fuck you guys_ ,” he says.

“Put it on,” Isabel says easily and Eren looks at her with wide eyes.

He shakes his head and she steps closer to him.

“Yeah, put it on. I wanna see what makes Levi's man meat hard,” she insists.

I start choking on my own tongue while Hanji starts howling with laughter.

Eren looks over at me for help as the tiny girl starts to approach him menacingly but telling Isabel 'No' is like saying no to Hanji: Fucking impossible.

“Eren,” she says happily but from the way Eren is looking at her, I can tell that she has one of her more terrifying faces on, “Put on the vest.”

Eren stares at her for a few seconds before he decides to obey her and I silently rejoice.

Once Eren has it on, he doesn't meet anybody's eyes but I can't help but admire how nice he looks in it.

“Wow, Eren!” Isabel bursts, “You really do look hot!”

“Keep that on all day,” I say and he looks up at me with surprised eyes but then rolls his eyes. He knows my weakness for vests.

“It makes me wonder what my Moblit would look like in a vest,” Hanji mutters and we all zero in on her.

There are a couple seconds of silence as she continues to work before she looks up at us.

“What?” she asks.

“ _Your_ Moblit?” I ask cheekily and for the first time in my life, I see Hanji do something that I never thought she would do.

She  _blushes_ .

“I didn't mean it like that,” she says quickly, “Just my friend Moblit.”

“Who you want to see in a vest,” Armin adds.

“And you called yours,” Isabel finishes.

I look over at Eren and he looks like he is trying not to smile at Hanji's embarrassment.

“He's...we're...it's not like that,” she says, “Yet.”

“But you want to be?” Armin presses and Hanji clears her throat.

“Maybe, but we're not like that now, so it doesn't matter,” she says, tugging on her ponytail.

I push my glasses up and and look at her.

“Wait, is this the same guy that was telling you not to hurt yourself that one day I was on the phone with you?” I ask.

She looks over at me, a challenge in her eyes.

“Yes,” she says, daring me to say something against him and I realize just how angry Hanji can get if she feels strongly enough about something.

I sniff.

“He sounds good for you,” I say simply, “Somebody needs to watch out for you since you don't.”

She looks at me and I realize that she was afraid I wouldn't approve of anyone she liked. Odds are, she probably hadn't even told Erwin either, which was ridiculous, since Erwin would probably be way more openly excited for her than I was.

“Back to work,” I snap after a moment, “Hanji, next time, bring your Moblit so he can help with this pigsty.”

She laughs and says, “I invited him, but he went to see some relatives for Hanukkah. With any luck, he might come this summer.”

My acceptance seems to open a whole damn of information about this Moblit guy and she chatters almost endlessly about this guy as we return to work about how nice he is but not when he's playing a game because he gets very, very competitive.

I look over at Eren and he gives me a small smile and shakes his head.

“ _She's got it bad_ ,” he signs before he continues to clean up his area.

Luckily enough for me, he keeps the vest on.

We keep at it before Isabel finds an old record player and puts a record on it and before I can stop it, the huge room is filled with music from the sixties.

“Dear God,” I say but Eren's smile is the only thing that keeps me from turning the damn thing off.

We work with the comforting sound of music. Even with the record playing, however, Eren doesn't take his earbuds out. I wonder vaguely how he can listen to two songs at once, but then I figure he doesn't care as long as isn't quiet.

At one point, Hanji begins belting along with Nancy Sinatra about how her boots were made for walking. I groan and tell her to shut the fuck up but everyone else just laughs.

We keep working until about noon and Hanji starts complaining that she's hungry. This encourages the others to start complaining so I decide on a break and we start hauling down the garbage we accumulated along with some of the packed up boxes. The designated place for anything packed up is the living room and it seems as if everyone else has already put a bunch of shit in there already. We take the garbage out to the curb before Hanji calls for pizza as Eren and I go around to tell everyone that we are taking a break.

Jean and Connie have done a pretty decent job on the kitchen. Not up to my standards, but a lot better than I thought they would. 

I find Mike and Erwin in a closet and stare at them as they gaze back at me, red faced and shirtless before I close the door and decide not to comment. Eren seems to think this is hilarious as he laughs silently, tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

Reiner and Bertholdt are cleaning the bedroom while Annie won't let them in the bathroom.

“She's says we'll just ruin her hard work,” Reiner shrugs.

I open the door and see that she is meticulously scrubbing at some mold, but I gasp as I see that the bathroom is absolutely perfect.

“Annie...it's beautiful,” I say as I glance around.

“Of fucking course it is,” Annie says, “This whole place is a dump and nobody knows how to clean properly.”

With that, I think my respect for Annie multiplies by ten.

“Careful, Eren,” I hear Reiner say, “I think that Levi is falling in love with Annie.”

Annie rolls her eyes and I glare at the blond man.

“You could stand to learn something from her, you moron,” I say before I turn to exit the room, pulling Eren with me, “Oh, and we're having pizza so get your asses downstairs.”

Gunter and Erd do a fantastic job as well, not as well as Annie, but it's still better than anybody else besides her.

It isn't until I go to tell the others in the basement that I realize there is a problem. 

I start down the stairs and notice that Eren isn't following me anymore. I look up and see him shifting from foot to foot and biting his lip.

“You coming, Jaeger?” I ask, crossing my arms.

He hesitates but then shakes his head.

“ _I think I'll go find Armin_ ,” he signs and I understand immediately and curse myself for being so stupid.

His experience with basements are not the greatest. In fact, they aren't great at all.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” I say, “I'll see you in a bit.”

He nods and practically bolts from the doorway and I feel so idiotic for not realizing sooner that he would loathe to go down these stairs. 

I continue down and see a shit ton of lumber piled in a corner with multiple paint cans in another corner.

“What the fuck is all this?” I ask and Sasha sticks her head out of a doorway I hadn't even noticed was there until now.

“That was in the way so we moved it all to one set place. It looks ancient,” she answers, “By the way, can I keep this?”

She disappears for a second before she pulls out a fucking cross bow.

“Holy fuck, Braus!” I shout, backing away, “Where the hell did you find that?”

“It was just hanging on the wall! How awesome is that?!”

I was seriously beginning to wonder what kind of life Mrs. Brown led.

“Sasha!” I hear Petra yell, “Did you take the crossbow again?”

She appears, frantic and wild eyed as she sees the taller girl with said item.

“You can fucking have it,” I say, making sure to steer clear of the obviously insane girl, “But don't you fucking fire it inside the house.”

“Great, Levi,” Petra huffs, “We've spent the past two hours trying to convince her that she _can't_ have the stupid thing.”

While I had to admit, giving Sasha the crossbow was probably a terrible idea, at least she would like it and it would be better than burning it.

I shrug.

“Nice shirt, Petra,” I comment.

She looks down at it for a second before she smiles at me.

“Auruo got it for me,” she tells me.

It's a plain black shirt that has the words 'Cool story, babe. Now go grill me a burger.' on it and somehow it doesn't surprise me that Petra would like something like that.

“I heard my name,” Auruo says from the other room and I approach the doorway, carefully staying out of Sasha's way to see an even bigger room with various exercise equipment that seemed to be made in the seventies along with totes full of children's toys.

“This is going to take all weekend,” Mikasa says, looking up at me, “You better have more cleaning supplies tomorrow for all of us.”

This surprised me.

“All of you...are helping all weekend?” I ask.

“Well, yeah, Levi,” Auruo answers as if this was obvious, “Hanji seemed to think that we could get this done in a day, but it's a big house.”

“Plus, you probably would have had this done weeks ago if you hadn't procrastinated,” Mikasa adds, “So we are going to help you.”

“I can't wait to shop for the house!” Petra says.

This is so much new information coming in at the same time, I can't even find it in myself to be angry about all of this being planned behind my back. In fact, I'm kind of touched that they all care enough to be here all weekend.

“We're not shopping for the house,” I say, but even now, I know I'm going to lose this argument eventually too, “And we're having lunch, so get your asses upstairs.”

I don't wait for their responses but as I start up the stairs, I can hear Auruo yelling at Sasha to put the crossbow away before she killed someone.

I go upstairs and look around for Eren like a lost puppy before I find him and Isabel standing in a corner, Isabel talking animatedly and Eren trying his hardest not to laugh. 

I approach and when they both notice me, Isabel bursts into laughter and Eren shakes with silent guffaws.

“What?” I ask irritatedly.

When they don't answer and laugh even harder, I sigh angrily.

“You guys are fucking annoying,” I say and they can barely breath by this point.

“I told you so,” Isabel says and Eren nods, clutching his stomach.

I huff and walk away, upset, but not as upset as I led them to believe. Mostly, I'm just happy that Isabel was able to make Eren laugh, even if I don't know why the fuck they are laughing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, for the delay on this chapter! 
> 
> I've gotten several messages on tumblr asking me if I was okay and it really meant a lot to me to know you guys are concerned! I'm fine, it's just been a pretty stressful week, that's all. 
> 
> Still trying to catch up with the chapters, and I'll try to continue with updates as quickly as I can, but if it's a couple days, don't be too worried! I promise that I'm going to finish this story. :)
> 
> Once again, thank you for all the concern I've gotten. I love you guys!


	25. Past

“...And if we keep this up, we'll be able to get to States,” Eren's coach finished.

“States, states, states, states,” the whole team started to chant and I rolled my eyes while the coach just laughed.

The whole group of us started to get dirty looks from surrounding customers, but that didn't seem to deter the team any.

It had been Eren's first baseball game for the season and they had won by an impressive amount. To celebrate, his coach had taken them all out to Denny's, along with their various boyfriends/girlfriends.

Eren seemed really chummy with his coach, but then again, so did most of the team. He seemed like one of those guys that tried a little too hard to fit in, but the team liked him anyway.

Eren had told me once that his name was Abe, but they called him 'Ape' because of his gorilla like appearance, but then changed it to just plain 'A.T.' because his last name started with a 'T' but nobody could remember how to pronounce it.

“Did you see the look on the pitcher's face when Marco hit his fast pitch?” Jean said excitedly, “I swear he was going to start bowing down to freckled Jesus.”

Marco laughed, a little embarrassed.

“It wasn't all that impressive...” he said.

“Don't downplay a good job, Bodt,” A.T. told him, “You did great out there. You all did. Don't get too cocky, though.”

“Heh,” Connie piped in, “Cocky.”

Reiner snorted into his drink while Jean rolled his eyes.

“Grow up, you guys,” Jean groans his arm around Mikasa.

I noticed that as we sat there, Eren was glaring hard at that arm, looking as if he could burn it with the power of his eyes.

Strangely enough, Mikasa was doing the same with Eren's arm draped over my shoulders.

“Hey, Jaeger,” A.T. said and Eren tore his eyes away from Jean's obviously offensive arm and looked at his coach, “That was some great pitching you did out there. A little rough on the edges, but we can work on it more in practice. Good job.”

“Thanks!” Eren was elated. He had told me that he had been working hard in practice and wanted the chance to take over for the old pitcher that had left last year. It meant a lot to him that his coach was praising him for a job well done.

“Hey, A.T.,” Jean said with a mouthful of waffles and smirk, “I bet Eren makes a better catcher.”

The meaning was not lost on me or anybody else at the table. Connie and Reiner started laughing while Marco turned beet red. A blond guy, Thomas I think his name was, shook his head while another kid, Samuel, only rolled his eyes.

“Shut your whore mouth, Horseface,” Eren hissed, turning a light shade of pink

A.T. seemed to be the only one who didn't get it.

“Maybe...” he contemplated, “But Eren's worked really hard this season and he's actually a very good pitcher.”

“I couldn't agree more,” I said smugly and Eren turned to gape at me, “I think he is great whether he's a pitcher or a catcher.”

In truth, Eren and I had only had sex a few time since his birthday, and each time, he was on the bottom, so my statement rang a little false, but nobody else needed to know that.

However, at my statement, Mikasa stood violently and glowered at me, which halted everyone's laughter.

Jean reached a hand out to her and touched her arm.

“Babe...” he started, but before he could say more, she withdrew her arm from his touch and stomped away from the table.

The was a moment of awkward silence before A.T. said, “That was an awfully dramatic reaction to baseball...”

That broke the tension a little as there was the sound of tentative chuckling at their coach's cluelessness.

I felt a bit guilty, but then again, I hadn't been the only one teasing Eren either. Mikasa's reaction was more than a little bit ridiculous.

I looked over at Eren and find him staring at me with pleading eyes.

“Oh, hell no,” I snapped and reached for my milkshake.

“Levi...” Eren said, almost whining ad I look back at him.

Ever since he and I started dating, Mikasa and I had been at odds with each other and I knew he didn't like. Normally, we kept the snide comments and hostile glances, which were mostly her in the first place, to a minimum. But sometimes, like now, it was painfully apparent at how much she didn't like me, and that pained Eren.

“Why don't you go talk to her then?” I asked, not really wanted to get up or talk to a volatile girl who hated my guts for whatever reason.

“Levi...” he said again and I sighed and made the mistake of looking up at him.

Damn those eyes.

“Fine,” I groaned as I stood, “You're lucky I love you.”

I left the table, going the direction that Mikasa had gone. I hadn't quite reached the doors of the restaurant when I felt a hand on my wrist.

I looked up, expecting some creep, but it was only Eren, red faced and bashful.

“What?” I asked, a little irritated, “I'm doing as you asked.”

He looked down and it took him a couple seconds to say anything.

“Did you mean it?” he asked.

I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Mean what?” I wasn't sure what he was referring to.

He cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Did you mean it...back then,” when I didn't respond, he continued, “When you said that it was lucky...you loved me. Did you mean it?”

It wasn't until now that I realized the words had slipped out of my mouth like it was the most natural thing in the world. But it also made some sense, because loving Eren was natural. I knew I had loved him for a while now and somehow, I knew he loved me too. It hadn't been a huge revelation for me. It just was.

But that wasn't it. It was the first time I had admitted that I loved Eren out loud. I suppose that I should have picked a more romantic setting than Denny's in front of a bunch of people to say it, but it was too late now.

“Yeah, I meant it,” I answered him, feeling a bit warm, “I love you, Eren.”

He seemed to forget how to breath and I rolled my eyes.

“M-me too!” he shouted, causing a nearby waitress to jump. He lowered his voice before he continued, “I mean...I love you too.”

I would have kissed him chastely, but I remembered that he wasn't big on PDA, so I only smiled instead.

“You idiot,” I said, “I know you do. You don't have to say it for me to know it.”

“But it helps,” he murmured.

“I suppose it does,” I agreed. I had realized this a while ago, but it was becoming even more obvious to me now, but Eren lived off of words. Nothing seemed real to him unless it was said, whereas, for me, I only wanted to be shown how he felt.

“Well, as unromantic as the doorway of Denny's is, I'll say it again,” I said, “I love you, Eren Jaeger.”

I could have sworn he was blushing from head to toe.

He bent down and gave me a kiss on the cheek and squeezing my hand.

“I love you, Levi Ackerman,” he said with a grin.

I'm sure he could have stood there for hours staring at me, but I cleared my throat.

“I was going to talk to Mikasa like you wanted me to, but if you would rather-”

“No!” he stopped me, “I still want you to. I'm just happy right now. But, yeah, I want you and Mikasa to get along too. That would make me even happier.”

“I get along great with her,” I said petulantly, “It's _her_ that hates my guts.”

Eren sighed.

“Alright, alright,” I groaned, “I'm going.”

He smiled.

“Thanks, Levi,” he said before he went back to the table that was around the corner, just out of sight. Luckily, nobody there had caught our exchange.

I braced myself and went outside, looking around briefly for Mikasa.

I didn't have to look far. She was sitting on a bench beside the front doors.

“Did Eren send you out here?” she asked angrily.

I sat down on the bench beside her.

“Maybe,” I replied and she glares at me again.

“I don't-”

“Listen, Mikasa,” I interrupted, “I don't know what kind of grudge you have against me, but your brother and my boyfriend really hates seeing us not like each other. And whether you like it or not, I'm a part of his life just as much as you are. I don't give two shits what you think of me, but Eren does, so whatever problem you have, you better tell me right fucking now.”

She pressed her lips into a thin line before she looked at the ground.

“You're going to hurt him,” she said and I sighed, but then she continued, “My parents said that your dad was a bad man who left your mom high and dry. History tends to repeat itself.”

In an instant, I was on my feet, spitting mad. Mikasa looked up at me, surprise written on her face at my sudden movement.

“Don't you _ever_ fucking _dare_ to compare me to that son of a bitch again!” I shouted, seeing red, “Don't even pretend to know what the fuck you are talking about! I'm _nothing_ like that shit bag in human skin. You have no fucking clue what the fuck you're saying so _shut the fuck up_!”

Mikasa's eyes were wide with shock. I knew that I usually kept my emotions in check, so me screaming with rage was something completely new to her.

I supposed I shouldn't have been as angry as I was. Mikasa's parents had died when she was nine, so I shouldn't have expected them to tell a child what had actually happened, but I didn't see how that related to me. I was _not_ my father.

I was beyond pissed and I frankly didn't want to see her face anymore. I was too upset to even go back inside without alarming the others and I didn't want to ruin their good time.

“Tell Eren I went home,” I said in a hard tone and turned on my heel.

“Wait...Levi...” she said in a soft tone that made me turn around, not any less angry.

“What?” I snapped and she actually looked remorseful.

“I-I'm sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't have said that.”

“But you still think it,” I hissed and she doesn't deny it.

There are a few tense minutes where I wonder if I should just leave or if she's going to say anything more. Just as I decided to leave, she spoke.

“I...I will be nicer to you,” she said, “For Eren's sake. But I still don't like that you're dating him.”

“And why's that?”

“Because you're an Ackerman,” she answered simply.

“So are you,” I snarled, pissed off at her double standards.

“Exactly,” she said and with that word, my anger leaves me.

I realize that it isn't just me that she doesn't like, it's herself as well. She didn't think she was good enough to be around Eren, therefore, neither was I.

It was twisted thinking, in my mind, but I could follow it.

“You're an idiot,” I muttered, “Eren's going to get worried if we don't go back in.”

She nodded mutely and stood.

“Levi?” she said, unsure.

“What?”

“I promise I won't compare you to your dad again,” she told me.

“Sperm donor,” I corrected and she gives me an unreadable look, “As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father.”

It wasn't a full resolution of our issues with each other, but it was a start.

“Now come on. We gotta show Eren that we can be civil towards each other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a little introduction as to who the coach was and how close the team actually was to him. I know you all probably hate him already (as you should) but I really want to capture just how much they are trusted and respected him and how much of a normal guy he seemed to be.
> 
> Also, I was thinking about doing a sort of accompanying story with this one from Eren's point of view. Only problem is, it would put my other story, In This Life, on the back burner until October. Since most of the readers from that story are reading this one, tell me what you think. Would you guys be okay with that? Should I even do an Eren POV for this?
> 
> Anyway, until next time!


	26. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terribly written filler chapter

As expected, it takes all weekend. We manage to clean out the entire attic, Auruo bringing his pick up truck to load things to take to the dump or to a thrift store. Any personal items that belonged to Mrs. Brown were sent to her family, except for a photo of her, her husband, and her son in uniform that Hanji insisted on keeping.

“So you don't forget!” she says as she puts it on the mantle. As if I could.

We finish cleaning everything out by Saturday night, which could have never been done if there weren't as many people there.

Sunday is a group trip to several appliance stores since most of the shit in her house was fucking old and she didn't even have a dishwasher.

Farlan was able to come too, which turned out to be a good thing since we ended up going to furniture stores as well and he knew the owners at one and I ended up getting a discount.

Petra was way to excited to spend money on things I had never really thought about.

“This is a nice color but it's not the right color for the bathroom,” she says at one point, holding up a towel.

“It looks the same,” Jean says.

“No, it doesn't!” she almost yells, surprising Jean, “This is an apricot color. The guest bathroom is a delicious _melon_ color! _”_

“What does that even mean?” Jean asks, looking severely confused. 

“Why not just get black towels or something?” I ask, not really caring.

She looks at me, aghast.

“You can't just have black towels for a bathroom with apricot highlights,” Mikasa says, “It would clash.”

“The colors are close enough, right? Why not just get them?” Hanji suggests and I'm all for the idea. I don't give a fuck what the difference between apricot and delicious melon is. They are towels. The color doesn't determine the practicality of them.

“That would clash too,” Erd says, rubbing his chin, “White wouldn't do it either. Is there another color in the bathroom that we could match the towels up with?”

Petra shakes her head and Erd hums before looking through other colors.

“We aren't going to do this for every room are we?” I ask, irritated.

“We have to! You got rid of almost everything!” Petra argues and I have to admit she is right. Most of it was old and needed replaced and there was no way I was going to wipe my junk with the same towels that Mrs. Brown used, no matter if they were washed or not.

“Here, Petra,” Erd says, “It's a spice color so it should bring out the bathroom color and make it seem warmer.”

“It's perfect! Get three more of those and let's find a small garbage can and a toothbrush holder of the same color,” she exclaims.

I rub my forehead, feeling a headache fast approaching, but someone takes my other hand and squeezes and I look up to see Eren smiling reassuringly at me.

I squeeze back, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he would keep his hand in mine. But, he doesn't, pulling away after a moment and I try to fight the disappointment rising up in me.

We spend the rest of the doing shopping for furniture and bedding. We eventually get back to the house and begin redecorating the entire house. Erd, Mikasa, and Petra enjoy it way too much, in my opinion. It is fortunate that I have a fuck load of money now because I would have never been able to afford new furnishings if I hadn't. Even so, I still made sure to spend as little as I had to.

The weekend comes to a close and everyone starts their goodbyes along with promises to see each other before going back to school. For Farlan, I'll see him even sooner since I work with him.

Soon, it was only Hanji, Erwin, Mike, and Eren that remained.

“Well, I could sleep for a week,” I say as I collapse on the couch, “I can't believe you guys made me do that.”

“At least you don't have it looming over your head anymore,” Erwin points out and I grunt, not wanting to admit he's right.

“What you need now is a gaming system!” Hanji says, “Mo loves gaming. I'm not to into it myself, but he's usually calm and collected until he plays. Then he's a fucking monster.”

“Mo?” Erwin asks casually, but I can tell by the look in his eyes that he already knows just what kind of relationship Hanji has with this mysterious guy.

Hanji sighs and I see Eren hide a smile, already knowing about Hanji's impending love life.

“A friend,” she says dismissively, but even she knows she can't fool Erwin like that.

“Hmm,” he hums, “This isn't the first time you've mentioned him, you know. You've been talking about this 'friend' all weekend.”

Hanji fidgets and it's odd to see a bashful Hanji.

“He called her Zoe,” I recall from a previous phone conversation I had with her a few months ago.

Mike sniffs.

“I smell unresolved sexual tension,” he states.

We all start to crack up at that and Hanji actually rolls her eyes.

We situate ourselves into the living room and put in a movie. I'm pleased when Eren chooses to sit next to me. I am always under the constant fear that he is trying to distance himself from me.

“I have to say, Hanji, this was a good idea, but I'm going to be feeling sore for a while,” I say, thinking of my stiffening back.

She looks over at me.

“Thanks, but it wasn't my idea. Or Erwin's,” she replies, “Eren was the one who wanted to do this.”

I look over at Eren and see him looking at his lap, blushing.

“I...why?” I ask and he looks up at me.

“ _You needed it_ ,” he signs before he shrugs, “ _You would have never done it if it were up to you. And...it was nice to see everyone again._ ”

He adjusts his scarf and pops his lips nervously, as if waiting for my reaction.

I'm oddly touched for some reason. He has his own shit to deal with and yet here he was, worried about me dealing with...whatever I am dealing with. 

Maybe his feelings aren't as complex as I've been thinking.

We return our attention to the movie and I do something I haven't done in a long time.

I take Eren's hand in mine without taking my attention off the TV. 

I can feel him looking at me and I pray that he doesn't withdraw his hand like he has so many times before. 

He doesn't.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, I'm so sorry about this chapter. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.


	27. Past

Prom night was a flurry of activity. Eren, of course was going with me, but since his friends were too young to go on their own, my friends ended up taking them. Petra ended up taking Jean, Auruo with Mikasa, Erd took a younger girl named Mina, and Gunter brought Marco, who had the hots for Mina. Mike, of course, went with Erwin, even if he was in his first year of college.

Since Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner were in the same grade I was, they ended up taking Armin, Ymir, and Krista respectively. The only ones left were Connie and Sasha and they declined coming the normal way, insisting on sneaking in.

Jean and I went to the Jaeger's house first so we could take pictures. The theme for this year's prom was the Prohibition, some way of the school board trying to decrease drinking at school dances.

“I hate to fucking say it,” I stated blankly as we waited in the living room for our dates, “But I don't think they remember what happened during the _last_ Prohibition.”

Jean snorted at that.

“I'm sure Connie took it as a personal challenge,” he said, “I bet you anything that he's going to call himself a bootlegger by the end of the night.”

Suddenly, Sasha and Connie's refusal to get into the dance the normal way made sense. They had always been one for flair. What was more dramatic than sneaking into a dance and distributing alcohol?

“Whatever, though. These clothes are pretty awesome,” Jean said, looking down at himself.

Since it was the Prohibition, we were dressed in 20's fashion. Jean was dressed sharply looking thoroughly like a mobster with a nice suit with a button up jacket and a red tie with a fedora to complete the look.

I decided to forgo the jacket and the hat and was wearing simple black pants with a white shirt and dark green suspenders with my hair slicked back. I felt ridiculous, but my mother said that I looked 'slick'.

Eren was the first to come down, and _fuck me_ , but I had never realized how attached to vests I was. He had also decided to ditch the jacket and had a vest the same color as my suspenders and while his hair was tamer than usual, it still had a certain 'Eren' flair.

He was fucking hot and if we didn't end up banging by the end of the night, I might not ever forgive him.

“I think you broke your boyfriend, Jaeger,” Jean said, “Can't handle all that ugly.”

“You look like a douche in that fedora, equine fuck,” Eren spat at Jean.

At that moment, his mother came into the room and pinched Eren's ear.

“Eren Grisha Jaeger, you better watch your language!” she scolded angrily.

“OW! Okay, I'm sorry!”

She let go of his ear and I noticed she had a camera in her hand.

“It's too bad that Grisha can't be here,” Carla said, “He wanted to see this.”

“But as usual, the workaholic misses out on another Kodak moment,” Eren grumbles and Carla fixes him with a glare that he only returns with a challenging look.

The tense moment was only broken by Mikasa walking in, dressed in a red flapper dress with long, pearl necklace, curled hair, a red boa, and a feather headband.

“Holy sh- _crap_ ,” Jean practically swooned and I would have rolled my eyes if I hadn't agreed that Mikasa did look nice.

She gave a small smile.

“I'm going to take that as a compliment,” she said.

“Time for pictures! Oh, Jean, go get your mother and Levi's mother. They're in the kitchen talking and they wanted pictures too,” Carla exclaimed and Jean nodded obligingly his eyes barely leaving Mikasa before he walked out of the room.

I looked to see Eren looking at me expectantly and I furrowed my eyebrows before I figured out what he wanted.

I walked over to him and ghosted my fingers over the edges of his vest.

“You look...not bad,” I said after clearing my throat, even though the words didn't really cover how I feel about he looks.

Either way, he beams at me.

“You don't look so bad yourself,” he teased and a flash went off, startling us both.

Carla looked absolutely pleased with herself.

“That was adorable!” she practically squealed and I fought to not be irritated. I hated getting my picture taken, so if I could just get through this next half hour, I'd be fine.

Mrs. Kirstein, my mom, and Jean came back into the room and the pictures began.

Jean looked like he was absolutely starstruck by the fact that he was taking Mikasa to prom. It was cute, in a way. I always struggled with pictures because I wasn't photogenic. I was aware that I looked like a serial killer. I wasn't looking forward to any of these pictures being developed.

We also put boutonnieres on each other, or in Mikasa's case, a corsage, took a few more pictures before we were heading to my car, ready to head to the dance.

We met up with our group in the parking lot and we all checked in, the sophomores with the juniors in pairs.

They really went all out with the decorations. It had a very 'Gatsby' feel about it. However, unlike the decorations, the music was modern.

“Woohoo!” Hanji yelled, raising her fists, “This is what I call a party! Let's dance on tables and start singing Grease songs!”

“Grease wasn't set in the twenties,” Petra informed her, “Maybe Chicago would be more appropriate.”

“Never seen Chicagao,” Hanji said before she tugged on Petra's hand, “Come on, the boys need to get the balls to actually start dancing so lets go!”

With that, Petra was torn away from Auruo and into the sea of bodies.

“I think you just lost your date,” Erd commented and Erwin chuckled.

“I...” he didn't seem to be able to finish.

“Come on,” Eren said tugging me onto the dance floor.

“Fuck no,” I objected, but he continued pulling anyway and I sighed and let him do what he wanted.

“I have to say,” he said once we were in the sea of sweaty bodies, “I'm having a hard time keeping my hands off of you.”

I resisted a shiver going up my spine, as one always did whenever he spoke like that.

“I could say the same for you,” I told him, “You should wear tight fitting vests more often. And what I wouldn't do to mess up your hair.”

He grinned at me and we had a silent agreement that later we could fuck each other into oblivion. Now was time for dancing.

Connie and Sasha did make it in. They let us know that they sneaked in through an open window to an empty classroom and came through the back way into the gymnasium, all the while, sneaking in who knows how much alcohol.

“What about the people who drove here?” Mike asked and Erwin looked approvingly at his boyfriend.

“Simple!” Sasha said before pulling out another backpack and opened it.

It was full of car keys with little pieces of paper that had names on them attached to them.

“Did you steal everyone's keys?” Marco asked.

“Only the ones who drove,” Connie said with a wicked grin.

“Wait, did you take _my_ keys?” I asked a bit angrily.

“Maybe,” Sasha said noncommittally.

I instantly checked my pockets and realized that mine weren't there. Instantly, I held my hand out.

“Give them back,” I spat, dark glare causing the both of them to shrink back.

“It would be irresponsible to let you drink and dr-”

“It's fucking irresponsible to bring alcohol to a fucking prom,” I said angrily, “Luckily enough for you, I don't plan on drinking so you better give me my damn keys.”

There were only two people who weren't affected by my glare: Erwin and Hanji. And it almost seemed as if Eren was growing an immunity to my glare as well.

Luckily, Sasha started groping in the bag, looking for the object I wanted. Eventually, she gave it back. It was then that Mike stated he wanted his keys back since he probably wasn't going to drink, but I stopped listening after that.

I made sure to stay away from the punch, but Eren, the dumbass he was, said he was thirsty and instead of going to water fountain, got some punch.

Eventually, Armin ran up, looking breathless and flushed.

“Eren! Jean!” he shouted over the noise, “I got the DJ to agree to play the song!”

“Armin, no,” Mikasa sighed.

“Armin, _yes_ ,” Jean and Eren said at the same time.

“The song?” I asked, feeling out of the loop.

“Don't worry, babe,” Eren assured me, kissing me on the forehead, “Armin, when are they playing it?”

“Right after this one!” the small blond said excitedly.

“Great! Come on, Jaeger,” Jean said, heading back to the dance floor, Eren following close behind.

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked, seeing Armin's maniacal grin.

“Secondhand embarrassment,” Mikasa said in a blank tone, “Come on, we have to get close now if we wanna see it.”

I followed her lead and approached where Jean and Eren were somewhat dancing, but it was apparent they were waiting for the song to end.

Eventually it did end and there was a moment of silence where Jean and Eren gave each other excited looks.

The song starts and I can't believe my eyes as they start dancing to fucking 'U Can't Touch This'. My eyes widen in horror and I practically slap my hand over my mouth.

They were good, almost perfect in their moves. It would have been severely impressive if I wasn't so mortified. Armin was looking positively ecstatic, looking at them with glee. Mikasa had a hand over her face but would occasionally look up.

Their dancing drew the attention of the other kids who started hooting and hollering at them to continue. It was obvious by now that most of the people in the crowd were drunk.

“It's a Prohibition themed prom and they are dancing to a ninety's song with impeccable dance moves,” I said, “We sure pick embarrassing boyfriends.”

“Family trait,” Mikasa said swiftly and I looked at her in surprise. It was the first time that she had called me family or joked with me.

My mouth twitched upwards and she smirked at me before returning her attention back to her brother and boyfriend.

Thankfully, the song ended and Eren returned to me, after getting a bottle of water that I insisted him getting instead.

It wasn't ten minutes later that Eren bent down to whisper in my ear.

“I wanna get out of here,” he said and I suddenly become hornier than a twelve-year-old boy discovering porn.

“Let's go,” I said, forgetting that I drove Jean and Mikasa to prom too.

We made it out to the car, Eren giggling like a fucking idiot the entire time and got in the car.

“Fuck,” I said, once we started driving.

“Hmmm?” Eren said, hand wandering up my thigh and lips at my neck.

“Both of us are too young to rent a motel room and I forgot my fake I.D.,” I said. Connie had said that the police usually scouted out motels and hotels for teenagers coming from prom.

“Let's just do it in the car,” Eren purred, hand cupping my groin now.

I tried not to focus on Eren palming my erection and tried to think of a place we could park that cops wouldn't think of to look.

I thought of a place.

“I hope we have lube,” I said as I drove, “And damn it, Eren, you are going to make us crash if you don't stop.”

“But you look so...sexy in suspenders and your hair like that,” he murmured against my skin.

My breath caught and my heart was beating frantically.

“I could say the same thing about you,” I said, seeing my turn and taking it, “I was serious when I said you should wear it all the time. You are going to fuck me in that vest tonight.”

We finally made it to our destination: H&R Block. By using the employee parking lot, we were hidden from the street and any other prying eyes.

I parked the car and turned it off before tearing Eren off of me.

“Backseat. Now,” I commanded and he complied quicker than I thought possible.

I had never realized just how quickly windows fogged up. We were tangled in each other, kissing sloppily and heavily, like the horny teenagers we were.

He reached up and took one of the suspenders and pulled on it before pulling back and grinning at me.

“Don't you fucking-gah!” I growled before he let go, my irritation turning into an embarrassing moan.

Eren's eyes widened as he realized that it didn't have the effect he thought it would have, but something even better.

To test this theory, and before I could even stop him, he took the other strap and snapped it. I shuddered but managed to contain any noises.

“You fucker,” I spat, digging my fingers into his shoulders, “Why aren't we naked?”

Eren need no more incentive and his lips found mine and we were trying to get our shoes and pants off.

“It's a shame that these have to come off,” Eren said as he detached the suspenders, “Maybe you should just keep your clothes on and keep yourself unzipped so I will always have the mental image of you fucking me with suspenders on.”

I looked at him and spoke the words before I could stop myself.

“No, tonight you are going to fuck me,” I said and he looked at me with wide eyes.

He knew what this meant for me to be willing to let him have me like this. I had always been very clear that I had wanted to top and he had never argued.

“Are you sure?” he breathed with barely concealed excitement.

“Yes,” I told him and suddenly, his lips were on me as he pushed be back onto the seat. His hands were everywhere as I kept him firmly attached to me by holding onto his vest.

He sat up suddenly and reached into the front seat and opened the glove compartment, pulling out a bottle of lube and a condom which I know I didn't put in there.

“Did you hide those in my car?” I asked incredulously.

“I've been hoping that ever since you got a car we would have car sex, so, yes,” he answered as he reached underneath the passenger side seat and got a large Ziploc bag with a towel in it.

“Eren, what the fuck?” I said as he motioned me to lift my ass so he could place the towel underneath me. I was actually amazed at his forethought in this.

He adjusted himself between my legs and opened the bottle of lube before pouring some on his fingers and I shivered at the sound.

“You're going to have to relax,” Eren said.

“I fucking know that, asswipe,” I retorted.

He snorted and he tentatively pushed a finger in. It didn't feel painful, just weird. He pumped his finger inside of me before I could feel a second finger enter and I furrowed my eyes at the feeling.

“You okay?” Eren asked.

“Fine,” I replied and I was, until he started scissoring his fingers.

I shifted, trying to get used to it before he decided to add a third finger.

When he did, that's when it stung. Eren could tell I was tensing.

“Just relax,” Eren said, “Just be glad that we're using actual lube. I was once with a guy who used peanut butter as lube.”

I snapped my head up.

“Erwin did not fucking use peanut butter,” I said, still feeling Eren's fingers moving inside me.

“I never said it was Erwin,” Eren said smugly.

“Who else would do anything sexual with peanut butter?” I asked, “But you are full of shit. Even Erwin isn't that crazy- _shit!_ ”

Eren hit something inside me that made my world go white and I inhaled so fast that I nearly choked on my tongue.

The sensation faded and I was breathing hard, Eren looking at me with wonder.

“Wh-what?” I said with as much venom as I could muster.

“Nothing,” he said, pulling out his fingers and it felt weird to be empty again.

I saw him rip open the condom and roll it on to his own hard cock and lubed it up before he started to adjust me but then I sat up and pushed him back.

“Levi, wha-?”

“If we're going to do this, we're doing it my way,” I said.

“When don't we,” Eren grinned as he let me push him all the way back as I straddled him, hovering above him. He put his hands on my hips guiding me as I pushed my self downwards.

He filled me up and it was fucking painful, but I didn't stop until he was completely in me.

“Fuck,” I said.

“Are you okay?” Eren asked.

“Considering I have a reverse turd in my ass, I've been better,” I bit out.

Eren chuckled and rubbed circles into my skin. I grabbed onto his vest and clutch tightly onto it.

After a moment, I took a deep breath and moved myself upwards and Eren groaned at the feeling. It still felt painful, but I powered through it. There must be a reason that Eren enjoyed it so much and I wanted to feel that white hot pleasure I felt when Eren had his fingers in me.

He started moving his hips up to meet me as I came down and suddenly, he was hitting the right spot. I let out a shout and threw my head back. My hair was messed up now and hanging into my face.

“Fuck, Eren,” I gasped and he kept his hands on my hips guiding me to go even faster.

“You...look great above me, shit,” he said, his eyes on me and his gaze seemed like it was burning me.

I didn't reply except for a grunt as I continued moving, living for every time Eren thrust into me.

I looked down at him and his eyes were hooded, watching me lustfully. He took his hand off my hip and brought it to my cock.

“If you do that Eren...I'm going to cum,” I hissed at him.

“Good,” Eren said, “I want to see you cum like this.”

I moaned at that, feeling him inside me and feeling him stroke me. I was desperate and gasping, my moans mixing in with Eren's. My entire body was buzzing and my skin was prickling. I needed more, always more. What had started out as painful was quickly become way too pleasurable than what should be allowed.

“I'm close, Levi,” he said.

“Me...too,” I said as I continued to bounce on his cock.

I could feel the pressure building and I knew that if I stopped now, I would probably never forgive myself.

All it took was one more thrust and I was cumming, screaming Eren's name as my hands scrabbled for purchase. I saw my cum shoot out onto his chest. Well, his vest and shirt. Shit, that wasn't supposed to happen.

“Shit, shit, shit, _shit_ ,” I repeated like a mantra as Eren continued fucking me to reach his own peak.

I was still sensitive as he kept thrusting and I fell forward, unable to keep myself up as he thrust into me and I swear I came a little more before he finally reached his orgasm, blunt fingernails digging into my back.

We laid there for a couple moments, Eren wrapping his arms around me. He didn't make a move to pull out of me just yet.

“We're fucking gross,” I said, feeling the cum between us.

“Worry about that later,” Eren replied, “How am I going to get home with a cum-covered shirt and vest?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just me fulfilling my desire to picture all of them in '20s fashion and seeing Eren and Jean dancing to M.C. Hammer. That and I really like bottom!Levi every once and a while. 
> 
> Some of you guys have already commented on how you didn't like bottom!Levi that much, but I can promise it will only happen once more before the end of this story. Sorry for the people who don't like it! :3


	28. Present

The months pass a lot quicker than they did the previous year. Probably because last year, Eren was in the hospital, which seemed to make time go that much slower.

I end up donating about half of my inheritance to several different charities that I made sure to thoroughly research. I knew that children getting into school, helping women get out of abusive relationships, and helping disabled people were way more important than me keeping the money. Instead of putting my name on the donation, however, I managed to put Eren, Mikasa, and Armin's name were on each donation respectively.

I start planning for our trip to Belize. Surprisingly, My mom's boyfriend, Terry, managed to help me plan the trip flawlessly.

“There's a place called Caye Caulker that I've heard is beautiful,” he tells me, “You can pretty much get anywhere by boat if you are going to have a private island.”

I knew that I would go all out for this vacation. Fuck if we all didn't deserve it. Fuck if Eren didn't deserve it. I still am not sure what he went through and neither is anyone else. I know it can't be healthy for him to repress it like he has been, but I hope that he opens up after our trip.

It comes faster than I expected and soon enough, we are landing in Belize after changing airplanes twice. Eren hadn't taken flying well, popping his lips the entire time until he fell asleep, clutching my hand tightly after I had taken it in mine. Mikasa and Jean were motion sick the entire time and made good use of the barf bags.

It didn't turn out well for either one of them when we have to get on the motor boat.

“Are you kidding me?” Jean groans.

“Buck up, Seabiscuit,” Annie deadpans, “We're almost there.”

Jean and Mikasa both groan in unison and Eren pats his sister on the back.

It takes about a half hour to get to our private beach house. By the time we get our destination, even Eren is looking a little green.

“You alright?” I ask as we get on the dock.

He nods but hunches over anyway.

“I'm fine, but thanks for asking,” Jean says as he flops onto the dock dramatically.

The driver of the boat chuckles and Mikasa rolls her eyes and starts unloading our bags but before she can start, two guys come out of no where.

“No, it's okay. We can get the luggage,” the taller one says in a heavy Spanish accent.

We all look at them, surprised.

“ _Lo_ _siento,_ I'm sorry,” he apologizes, “I'm Miguel, your butler, and this is Emanuel, your personal chef for the week. He doesn't speak any English, but he is an excellent cook. And if he didn't introduce himself, the 'Captain' of the boat is Gilberto. He will also be in charge of the scuba dive lesson later this week as well as the boat tour.”

Gilberto shouts something in Spanish to Miguel and Miguel waves him off with another comment in Spanish which Eren snorts at.

“What did they say?” Armin asks quietly but Eren shakes his head.

“Rosalita is the housekeeper and she is inside. Claudia will not be here until Tuesday for your tour of the Mayan ruins.”

Gilberto says something else and this time Miguel looks a little annoyed while Emanuel looks amused. I look to Eren to see his expression and he is raising an eyebrow.

“This way please,” Miguel says, leading the way with Emanuel and Gilberto following carrying as many bags as they can. Jean and I get the rest of the bags.

I sidle up to Eren, knowing that he was the only one who could understand.

“What were they saying?” I ask quietly.

“ _Nothing really,_ ” he replies, “ _I think Gilberto and Miguel are a couple though._ ”

I look forward and see Miguel talking animatedly to Gilberto and shrug. As long as none of us find them rolling around in our sheets, I don't have a problem with it.

We get into the huge villa and damn it all if it isn't the most spacious place I've ever been in.

“Holy shit, Levi, how much did you spend on this place?” Jean asks, blown away.

“More than your first year in college,” I say, knowing it was true and Eren whistles.

A stout woman in her sixties comes bustling out and smiles.

“Ah, welcome to Casa Jirafe!” she says in just as heavy of an accent as Miguel.

Before any of us can stop her, she gives us hugs and kisses us on both cheeks.

“You are a bit late, but that's Gilberto's fault, isn't it? This _idiota_ is never on time. Likes to show of his boat too much,” she says teasingly.

“That is not true, Rosalita,” said man protests but she waves him off.

“Miguel, take their bags to their rooms and do your job,” she says.

“ _Si, abuela_ ,” he grumbled.

The woman, Rosalita, barked more orders at the other two in Spanish before they shuffled in different directions.

“Now then, _niños preciosos,_ Emanuel has already prepared your dinner for you,” she says, patting Annie on the cheek, “We know you are tired from the trip so once you are finished eating, you can rest and relax.”

She led us to a large dining room with food already laid out. My stomach growls embarrassingly loud.

“Eat, _niños preciosos_ ,” she says and well all sit and start to dig in.

“Gotta say, I could get used to this,” Jean says as he takes a lobster tail, “We have people to cook and clean for us and we just get to relax.”

“ _Well, horses love having someone to feed them and clean their stable_ ,” Eren signs and my lips twitch upwards.

What surprises us all is that Jean actually responds.

“Oh, shut up, Jaeger. Like you aren't going to enjoy being pampered like the princess you are,” he retorts.

We look at him as he takes a bite and looks back up.

“What?” he says with his mouth full.

“ _Jean...I didn't know that you knew sign language_ ,” Eren says, completely baffled.

“When I offered to teach you, you didn't seem interested,” Armin adds. Even Mikasa seems surprised.

Jean actually blushes and returns his gaze to his plate.

“Yeah...well...I might have been taking some classes at school for sign language,” he mumbles.

There is a moment of silence.

“Why?” Mikasa asks.

Jean actually seems surprised at the question.

“Because he's my friend and your brother. And I'm the only one at this table who couldn't. Annie learned with the rest of you and since I'm going to be around you for a while, I figured that I might as well learn how to know what he's saying.”

Eren blinks at him for a moment before he stands.

“ _I'm going to go take a nap. Or something_ ,” he signs before he walks away before he turns to Rosalita and mouths the word 'Room'.

“Of course, _mijo_ ,” she says before leading him out of the room.

We sit in silence before Jean says, “What the fuck was that about?”

“He doesn't know how to react,” Annie speaks, “You just indirectly said that you are going to be here for him and Mikasa and he doesn't know what to say.”

“'Thank you' would be nice,” Jean grumbles.

“I don't think it's a good thing in his mind at this point in time,” the blonde says simply before she takes another bite of food.

We all look at her in a confused manner, except for Armin. Those two fuckers are always ten steps ahead of us.

“Care to explain?” I ask.

Armin and Annie exchange a look before Armin looks over at us.

“I think we've all noticed that he's been a bit...distant,” Armin says.

“Well, whatever he went through isn't exactly going to make him become buddy-buddy with us, Arm,” Jean points out.

“Come on, Jean. I know you've got a brain in that head of yours,” Annie sighs, “Eren has always been somewhat himself, no matter what. You can't tell me that you haven't noticed him pulling away.”

Jean looks over at Mikasa and sighs, showing that he had.

“I was hoping this vacation would be a good distraction,” I admit.

Mikasa and Armin nod but Annie looks off.

“Ever since everyone was found, I knew what my major was going to be,” she says, “I've been studying Psychology. And one of the things I've learned is that a distraction isn't going to fix him. He needs to talk. He needs to cope and mourn. He hasn't done any of that. We're all treating him as if he could break at any moment and I won't lie when I say that he could, but tiptoeing around him isn't doing any good either.”

She sighs before she finishes with, “I guess I just mean...keep an eye on him.”

We complete the rest of our meal in silence. Rosalita comes back and she and Miguel clean up our dishes when we are done.

Mikasa and Jean decide to take a walk around the beach while Armin and Annie decide to sit on the dock with their feet in the water.

I decide to go find Eren and find him exactly where he said he was going, except he isn't sleeping.

“Hey,” I say as I see him staring out the windows that go from the ceiling to the floor, “The others were pretty worried when you left so suddenly.”

He doesn't turn towards me right away, choosing to wipe his eyes before he does so.

“ _Sorry. I suppose I should say sorry and...thank, Jean,_ ” he says before he he goes over to the bed and falls backwards onto it.

“ _Rosalita_ _said that there were only three bedrooms in this place_ ,” he signs and looks up at me.

“That's true...” I say, already knowing where he was going with this, “Look Eren, if you don't want to sleep with me, that's okay.”

“ _Who else would? I'm sure Armin and Annie want to be together and I sure as hell know that Jean and Mikasa want to. Where would you sleep if you didn't sleep in the bed?”_  He asks.

“I could sleep on the floor. Or the couch,” I reply, “I don't want you to feel like you have to share a bed with me.”

He looks at me looking as if he trying to decide something. Like he almost didn't want to let himself want me to stay with him but he didn't want to be alone either.

“ _No. Sleep in the bed. With me,_ ” he replies before he closes his eyes, still sprawled out on the bed.

“If you're sure,” I say simply and I go over to the bed.

The bed is a fucking huge king size bed and I can lay on it sideways and not have my feet hang off.

I climb on the bed and nudge Eren.

“Come on, Bright Eyes,” I say, “I want to get a little rest and you're being a bed hog.”

He moves to the other side of the bed, sitting up and adjusting his headphones and fiddling with his iPod.

We don't say anything and while my plan is only to rest, I end up falling asleep.

I don't wake up until the next morning. At first I expect to feel gross for wearing my clothes to bed, but I notice that my jeans had been taken off me and blankets over me and I knew that it had to have been Eren who did it.

I look over and see that he's not in bed, but I do see that it's ten in the morning.

Tentatively, I get up and take a shower, changing into new clothes before leaving the room in search of everyone else.

I find them on the outside patio, sitting around the table and talking.

“Well, look who decided to wake up,” Jean joke.

“You missed breakfast, but lunch is being made,” Armin says.

“Mmm,” I reply, sitting down.

“ _I was going to wake you up, but then I remembered what happened the last time I tried to wake you up_ ,” Eren tells me and I smirk.

“That was very wise of you, Jaeger,” I say, smirking.

“So, what's the plan for today?” Annie asks, looking bored as usual.

“Today is just a lazy day,” I tell them, “There's a jacuzzi or you can go swimming or take a walk. There's nothing on the agenda for today, especially since the rest of the week is going to be busy.”  
“Sounds relaxing. I could have spent all day in bed,” Mikasa says.

“Yes, we could have,” Jean says, waggling his eyebrows.

“Gross,” Annie says while Mikasa turns a bit pink but rolls her eyes.

Armin chuckles at Eren, who is glaring at Jean with enough venom that makes Jean mumble out an apology.

Rosalita and Miguel come out and we are served lunch. I haven't seen Emanuel since yesterday, but I tell Rosalita to tell him that he is one hell of a cook.

After lunch, Annie and Armin end up taking a walk while the rest of us settle in the living room. Jean and Mikasa sprawl out on the couch while Eren and I put some pillows on the floor and I lean against the couch while Eren props his head on my stomach.

Mikasa ends up with the remote and stays on a channel that has the last fucking movie of Twilight playing, making all of us groan.

“Shut up, it's romantic,” she argues.

“Babe, I love you, but seeing a chick wither away with a vampire baby is _not_ romantic,” Jean says.

“Look at that thigh gap,” I joke.

“ _She looks like a pregnant crack addict_ ,” Eren signs and Jean and I both crack up.

Mikasa huffs and rolls her eyes.

We continue watching the movie with comments like 'Never let that woman name a child' or 'Oh god, there's _another_ one?', all the while, Mikasa shushing us.

Armin and Annie come back, Armin noticeably flushed and hair a bit mussed.

“Hey, Annie,” Mikasa says with a shrewd smile, “You have something in your hair.”

Annie glares at her and stomps off, but not before we see her face turning a bit red.

“Looks like someone had sex on the beach. And not the alcoholic kind,” Jean says and Armin does his best impersonation of a tomato. Eren can't stop laughing and I feel his shoulders moving, which is how I know that he is laughing.

“I-I'm going to take a shower!” Armin squeaks before he sprints off after Annie.

I smirk and Mikasa lets out a snort while Jean dissolves into laughter.

Miguel comes in with some snacks later on after Annie and Armin come back, Annie's glare stopping us from making any more comments.

I remember what Eren said yesterday, and even though its none of my business, I end saying something.

“So, Miguel,” I start, “What's up with you and Gilberto?”

Instead of blushing or brushing it off, Miguel turns deathly pale.

“N-nothing, _Se_ _ñ_ _or_ ,” he stutters and I furrow my eyebrows.

“Come on, we don't care, dude,” Jean says, “Those two idiots over there are gay for each other so it isn't like it's a new thing for us.”

Miguel looks at us fearfully and I can't figure out what the fuck his problem is.

Armin clears his throat.

“Um, guys,” he says tentatively, “Homosexuality is illegal in Belize, right Miguel?”

“ _Si,Se_ _ñ_ _or_ ,” the butler responds, fidgeting uncomfortably.

“Wait, what?” Jean says sitting up.

Miguel bites his lip before looking left and right as if making sure nobody was watching them.

“Yes, it is true. If...Gilberto and I were ever found out, we could get ten years in prison,” he says quietly.

“Ten fucking years?” I ask, appalled.

“ _Si_ ,” he answers, “Since Rosalita and Emanuel are family, they know, but they are the only ones. Don't say anything to Claudia or anyone else _por favor_.”

I had forgotten that even thought gay rights in the U.S. is still weren't where they should be, there were places like this where you could get jailed for something as simple as loving someone.

“We won't,” Armin assures him and Miguel lets out a breath of relief.

“Also,” he says, looking at Eren and I, “I know you are only here for a week, but be careful in public. Even if you wouldn't be put in prison, you could be deported. I think that would make your vacation...very sad.”

I looked down at Eren to see him looking up at me. I turn to look at Miguel.

“Thank you,” I say and he nods before turning to leave.

“Hey, Miguel,” Annie says before he can leave, “Have you considered leaving Belize with Gilberto? You know, so you wouldn't have to hide?”

He gives her with a look that makes me think that he's considered it every day.

“Of course, _Se_ _ñ_ _orita_ ,” he says sadly, “But that takes money. We are still saving up, but it's hard when we only make ten dollars an hour.”

“Ten dollars isn't terrible,” Mikasa says.

“Belize dollars,” Armin corrects, “It's about five dollars in American dollars.”

Miguel nods and takes his leave, leaving us all in our thoughts.

“I'm going to help them,” I announce.

“How?” Jean asks and I roll my eyes.

“I think you forget that I'm a millionaire, Kirstein,” I say and he hums.

I look down at Eren and see that he is looking at me with something like approval and I smile down at him before reaching my hand to take his in mine. We might have to be careful in public, but not only is this just a vacation, but this was also my selfish attempt to rebuild what we had.

Fortunately, he grips my hand in his own as we return our attention back to the television.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to make the vacation all in one chapter, but this took me long enough to write and you guys have waited long enough.
> 
> Still playing around with the idea of writing Eren's POV. Nothing positive yet though.
> 
> My tumblr is [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com) so check it out. :)
> 
> And yes, homosexuality is unfortunately illegal in Belize along with Jamaica. Homosexuals aren't allowed into the country of Belize, but I figured that since they don't flat out ask you your sexual preferences in customs, officials wouldn't know about Eren and Levi.


	29. Past

I never believed anybody about the 'honeymoon period' in relationships, but it didn't really hit Eren and I until about a month after prom.

There was some rising tension between us, but neither of us talked about it, which made it worse. There were some snide comments and ignored texts that only added to the hostility between us.

Unsurprisingly, it was Eren who snapped first.

We were hanging out at my house, watching a movie, but Eren was curled up on the other side of the couch. I was irritated, or course, hating the fact that we weren't even touching.

I sighed and suddenly, Eren had his full attention on me.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he snapped.

I glared at him but answered him anyway.

“We're here, hanging out, but you make it seem like it's a chore to do so.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked.

“I'm talking about how you never want to seem to hang out with me anymore, Eren. You don't seem to want to hold my hand or do normal...couple stuff,” I told him and he rolls his eyes.

“Well, that's weird, because you never seem to want to talk to me anymore,” he asked with venom.

Now I was a little pissed off.

“What the fuck are _you_ talking about?”

“I'm talking about how you never talk to me!” Eren bursts, standing up, “You don't ask things like 'How are you?' or 'What are you thinking about?'. Hell, I can count on one hand the amount of times you've said you loved me.”

I stand up too, shaking my head in confusion.

“Why are you yelling?” I asked.

“Because you won't listen to me any other way!”

“Well,” I started, “If we are going to start criticizing each other, how about the fact that you always pull away from me whenever I want to put my arm around you or just...cuddle, fuck!”

“Maybe because those things aren't as important as telling me how you fucking feel!”

“Words aren't important, Eren!” I yelled, tired of reigning myself in.

“The fuck they aren't! How am I supposed to know how you feel when you don't tell me? You just expect me to know!”

“That's because showing is is more important than telling! Words can be said without meaning them!” I responded.

“And if you never say them, what does that mean? Actions are easy to fake, Levi!”

“Do you really think that after all this time, I don't love you? You think that I would take you to prom, want to hang out with you, fuck, do you think I would sleep with you if I wasn't in love with you?”

“You did all those things with Petra!” he shouted.

I physically withdrew from him, eyes widening. I had never told him that I had had sex with Petra, but I _had_ told him that I loved her, but I wasn't _in_ love her.

I was shaking from anger when I looked at him again.

“Fuck you, Jaeger,” I spat, “I was never interested in guys and you _really_ think that I have some hidden agenda for being with you? You think I'm fucking with you by pretending to be gay with you? Get the fuck out of my house!”

“Levi-”

“No! Aren't my words clear enough for you? Get out!” I practically screamed at him and he looked shaken, but I was too angry to feel guilty.

He stared at me for what seemed an eternity before he bent and got his jacket and exited the room, slamming the front door behind him.

I stood there for a moment before I sat down and buried my face in my hands.

“Levi?”

I looked up and saw my mom standing in the doorway and I realized that she had probably heard the entire argument.

I sighed.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, rubbing a hand over my face.

“That sounded pretty rough,” she said, crossing the room to sit beside me.

“Whatever. He's an ass,” I told her and she had the audacity to laugh.

“It sounded like you were both being asses,” she said and I glared at her.

I looked away and stared at the floor, not sure what to say.

“Look, Levi,” my mom started, wrapping an arm around me, “You are terrible with words, but really good at showing how you feel. Eren is terrible with actions, but really good at telling someone how he feels. You are both right, but you are both wrong too. You are going to have to meet in the middle. You are both feeling neglected because you aren't getting what you need and only focusing on giving what you want. You have to consider that Eren needs to hear words of affirmation to know that he is loved and you need to tell him that you rely on physical affection to know you are loved. I have a feeling, however, that if push came to shove, he would put his life on the line for you, and I think you know that.”

I hated it when my mom made sense, but I knew she was right.

However, I was a stubborn bastard.

“Whatever, I'm not going to forgive him just like that,” I told her.

My mom shook her head and sighed.

“I didn't think you would,” she admitted, “You both are idiots, but you will figure it out.”

I could only hope my mom was right.

* * *

 

It was a week and there had been no contact between Eren and I. I tried to hide my falling out from Hanji and Erwin, but those fuckers were a lot smarter than I'd like to admit. Fortunately, they didn't say anything.

However, it wasn't until Jean and Armin showed up at my doorstep that I thought that maybe I should talk to Eren.

I came downstairs after my mom told me I had a friend downstairs, fully expecting it to be Hanji or Erwin or even Petra. I didn't expect it to be Jean and Armin.

“What do you guys want?” I asked, a little more hostile than I meant it to be.

Armin shifted uncomfortably but Jean spoke.

“Dude, I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the fact that you and Eren's little temper tantrum is affecting everyone,” he said.

“Eren isn't listening to us so we're hoping you listen to us,” Armin said.

“Excuse me if I'm wrong, but how is this either of your fucking business?” I asked.

“Hanji and Erwin have been worried too, man. And Mikasa,” Jean said.

“I'm sure Mikasa is looking for a reason to hate me so what does she care?” I sighed.

“No, Eren told her about the fight and even she said that you are _both_ being fucking morons,” Jean told me, “Look, Eren has no problem acting on emotions unless it's something like affection for whatever reason. Even with Armin and Mikasa, he's always a shit about it.”

“He loves you,” Armin added, “He just has a hard time showing that he loves people.”

I sighed and sat down in the loveseat.

“You're saying I should apologize,” I stated.

“Well, if you don't, you guys will never talk again,” Jean said, “He's a stubborn bastard.”

“I think it would be best...if you told him you were sorry and how you feel,” Armin said, “It would be good for him to hear it.”

I looked away from the both of them angrily, knowing that they were right.

“You aren't wrong,” Jean amended, “But neither is Eren.”

I groaned. I wouldn't be willing to do this, but the past week had been hell for me, not being sure if Eren and I would ever get over this fight and missing the hell out of him.

“Fuck,” I sighed before I stood up.

“Where are you going?” Jean asked.

“To go talk to my fucking boyfriend,” I said, leaving the two of them in my living room.

I fully expected Mikasa to shut the door on me when I arrive, but she only sighed and said, “He's upstairs moping and being an idiot.”

I had always thought Mikasa would defend Eren no matter what he did, but seeing her openly admit that he was being stupid made me realize that she could understand when he was wrong.

I went upstairs and saw him sitting watching the TV blankly.

“Eren,” I said and he looked away from the television for a second before returning his attention to it.

I sighed. Figures my bullheaded boyfriend wouldn't make this easy.

I went over to him and plucked the remote from his hand and turned the TV off.

“Hey!” he protested.

“I came to talk to you, dickwad,” I said, “I wanted to say I'm sorry.”

He glared at me before looking away.

“It's just that,” I continued, “I'm not good at saying stuff and I would rather be shown...that you love me than told, so that's how I've been acting towards you and ignoring that you want to hear it.”

He looked up at me, face showing that he was listening, sensing that I wasn't finished.

I sank down onto the couch.

“But...I need you to show me too. I'm willing to be more open with my words if you can be more open with touching me,” I told him, “I know you don't like PDA, but at least in private, Eren. Please.”

He watched me before he spoke.

“It's just that...when you say you love me, it makes me happier than anything in the world, but when you don't say it, it feels like you don't,” Eren admitted looking down at his hands, “I know you do, but I just want to _feel_ like you do.”

“And me saying so makes you feel like I love you,” I stated.

“Yes!” he said loudly before repeating softly, “Yes.”

“When you touch me, it makes _me_ feel like you love me,” I told him and by the way he looked at me, I can see that he understood.

Eren let out a breath that seemed like he was letting a huge weight roll off his shoulders.

“Alright, I can do that,” he said, “And sorry for saying that you were faking it. I know you aren't. You aren't gay, remember? Straight boys don't pretend to be gay.”

He gave me a mischievous smile and I rolled my eyes as I stood up and went over to straddle him.

“You are such a fucking shit,” I said and he put his hands on my waist, “Why do I put up with you?”

“Because you love me,” he teased before he raised his head to give me a peck on the lips.

I was embarrassed but I said it anyway.

“Yeah, I love you.”

He grinned and pulled me closer to him as he initiated another kiss. I put my hands on his chest and gripped his shirt, forcing him closer to me as I started to take control of the kiss.

“Don't get jizz on the chair,” Mikasa's voice said and we broke apart, snapping our attention to her as she walked past us to get to her room.

She closed the door behind her and we sat their for a moment.

“Well, she killed the fucking mood,” I grumbled and Eren only laughed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to make a note about the previous chapter. According to the official laws in Belize, you can be criminalized for homosexual activities, but it isn't hugely common. I took a creative license for plot's sake, but homosexuality is highly frowned upon and there have been reported cases of being persecuted in Belize. 
> 
> I looked into it even more and here are some [sources](http://www.frommers.com/destinations/belize/272879#sthash.MTbF5Enw.dpbs) about [homosexuality](http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/news/regions/americas/130722/belize-lgbt-gay-rights-anti-gay-law) in [Belize](http://www.splcenter.org/get%20informed/publications/Dangerous%20Liaisons/Dangerous%20Liaisons%3A%20Outlawing%20Homosexuality%20in%20Belize).
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next chapter should be out soon. :D


	30. Present

“ _Señor_?”

I grumble and push my face deeper into my pillow.

“ _Señor_ , you will miss breakfast.”

“Fuck off,” I groan, not willing to get up just yet.

There is silence and quiet shuffling as the person leaves the room and I don't feel the slightest guilt as I let myself fall back asleep.

However, I don't get very long before my blankets are ripped off me and someone grabs the back of my shirt and yanks me off the bed, causing me to tumble to the floor.

My instincts increase ten fold as I instantly reach out a hand for the perpetrator’s leg and I pull hard, causing them to topple backwards. I am about to straddle them and teach them a fucking lesson about waking me up when I see that it's Mikasa. If there is anybody that might be able to match me in a fight, it would be my cousin.

“What the fuck, Mikasa?” I hiss, glaring at her with contempt.

“What the fuck yourself, Levi,” she returns with equal venom as she sits up, “You wouldn't get up for Eren, Armin, or Miguel, so I came to fix that. Next time I'll dump ice water on you. And at least be nice to the help. They don't get paid enough for your bitch fits.”

“Fuck off,” I say, standing up, rubbing my hip. Fuck, I really hate waking up sometimes.

“Whatever,” she says, standing as well, “Breakfast is ready and they say we have about an hour and a half before the tour guide comes.”

With that, she turns and leaves the room, leaving me to flop back onto my bed. I really, really hated mornings.

By the time I get out to the table on the patio, my place is already set with food at the table.

“All I'm saying is that you need blood to get a boner, so logically speaking, Edward shouldn't have been able to get it up,” Armin says and I'm not sure that I'm ready to sit in on this conversation.

“But isn't his skin, like, hard as rock?” Jean asks, “Wouldn't that make his dick rock hard all the time?”

“Hmm, maybe. And it is possible to ejaculate without an erection,” Armin said thoughtfully, “But then what about when Bella turns into a vampire? His skin isn't hard to her anymore and I can't imagine that his dick would feel the same.”

“This is the gayest conversation between straight guys I've ever heard,” I muttered and Annie's lips twitched as she took a drink of her orange juice.

“Maybe...venom replaces the blood and that's what causes him to get an erection,” Jean suggests.

“Or maybe it's just a shitty movie that has no real bearings on real life,” I say as I fork some eggs into my mouth.

“Party pooper,” Jean mutters and Eren huffs a laugh before giving me a bright smile that surprises me.

“ _Trying to wake you up is like waking the dead_ ,” he says.

I don't dignify that with an answer and keep eating.

“I managed to do it just fine,” Mikasa boasts.

“I hope I bruised your tailbone,” I growl.

“You wish,” she says breezily.

I am about to respond when Miguel bustles out.

“ _Buenos días_ ,” he greets in his native tongue, “Are you ready for your adventure today?”

There is a chorus of agreement and she smiles.

“Good. Claudia will be here within the hour and she wants to go over some things with you before you leave,” he informs us before giving me a wary look.

Eren gives me a reproachful look and I sigh.

“Hey, Miguel, sorry for telling you to fuck off this morning,” I say begrudgingly.

Miguel, to his credit, only laughs.

“It is okay,” he assures, “I've had worse said to me in the morning. Plus, your friends warned me of your mood in the morning.”

“Miguel,” I say, “You are definitely one hell of a butler, let me tell you. You must put up with a lot of shit.”

“ _Si_ ,” he answers simply, “Not everybody is as nice as you guys.”

I never considered myself a 'nice' person, so I am shocked by his statement, but before I can respond, he is already excusing himself.

The following hour is a flurry of activity as those who chose not to get ready before breakfast shower and find adequate clothing. Eren had decided to put on some well fitting jeans with boots and a white shirt with an unbuttoned plaid shirt over it. His long hair, which he had yet to cut, is pulled back into a pony tail once more. Overall, he looks hot.

“Damn,” I say as he sits down next to me on the couch as we wait for everyone else to finish getting ready.

He looks over at me and rolls his eyes.

“No, seriously, damn. Those make your ass look great,” I tell him but he only shakes his head, faint blush appearing.

He hands me something and I turn my nose up at the glasses.

“Don't need them,” I say, “There is a reason I left them in the bedroom.”

He drops them in my lap and sighs.

“ _Fine, go blind. I can be mute and you can be blind. We'd be quite a pair_ ,” he says and I know he is trying to guilt me.

It works.

I begrudgingly put the glasses on and grumble, “Happy?”

“ _Yeah. Glasses make you look sexy_ ,” he responds with a smirk and I roll my eyes.

There is a faint sound a motor boat and I knew that it is our tour guide. I've never been anywhere in my life, so the idea that we are going to see some Mayan ruins excites me, not that I would admit it.

I look over to Eren to see if he is excited, but instead I see him looking at his hands, a look of unhidden sorrow on his face. It surprises me, so much that I only stare at him for a moment before I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Hey,” I say and he jolts, looking up at me, expression quickly wiped away for a startled one, “You okay, Eren?”

He looks at me for a moment before he smiles and nods.

“ _Yeah, just not looking forward to getting seasick again_ ,” he tells me, but that doesn't sit right with me. Nevertheless, his ears aren't turning red, so he must be telling the truth to some extent.

“Don't bullshit me, Jaeger,” I say, a little harsher than I intend and I soften the tone of my voice, “I'm just...worried.”

“ _Don't be_ ,” he signs, “ _I'm fine. And I'm sorry for making you worry. Maybe it's just the first time I've been away from home since I got out of the hospital so I might be homesick_ .”

That sounds more believable, but I stare at him, unconvinced. However, his gaze doesn't waver and he gives me a small smile.

“We'll be home in a week, Bright Eyes,” I say, “And don't apologize. It's natural to worry about the people you care about.”

He runs his hand through his hair, messing up the pony tail, but he doesn't try to fix it.

There's a shout from outside and the front door opens and the both of us turn and find a tall woman with chin length black, curly hair bounding into the house. She can't be any older than the rest of us and she is dressed in combat boots, shorts and a tank top with a manic smile that would give Hanji a run for her money.

“ _Maldita sea_ , Claudia!” Rosalita huffs as she appears before she starts to scold her in Spanish. Eren snorts, but the intruder, Claudia, doesn't look phased.

“ _Si, si, lo siento_ , Rosa,” she says in a falsely apologetic tone before she spots Eren and I on the couch, “ _Ah, maravilloso_!”

She comes over to us and leans over the back of the couch as she says something excitedly to us, causing Eren to blush but I have no idea what she is talking about.

“Hate to be rude, but I don't speak Spanish,” I say, interrupting her.

Her eyes widen and she smacks herself on the forehead.

“Oh! Sorry, sorry!” she says in English, “I was just saying that you two are very sexy, yes.”

Well, she isn't wrong.

“Claudia!” Rosalita scolds again, but apparently this girl is too excitable to be tamed.

“Is this it? Just the two of you?” she asks, tilting her head.

As if an answer to her question, Mikasa comes down the stairs with a black camera bag.

“Eren,” she says, “Don't forget that Mom wanted you to take pictures.”

Eren actually looks excited and stands up to take the camera bag.

Claudia bounds over to Mikasa ans shakes her hand vigorously. I repress a smirk at how disturbed Mikasa looks as the tall woman babbles to her, this time in English.

“Um...” Mikasa looks over to Eren for help, but he is too busy fiddling with the camera. She turns to me as a last resort, but I look away, pretending I'm very interested in the plant on the other side of the room.

It's Miguel that comes to her rescue, taking Claudia by the ear and pulling her away from Mikasa.

“ _Comportarse_!” he says sternly and she actually looks ashamed and sits down in an empty chair.

“I'm sorry, Claudia tends to get very excited,” Miguel apologized and Mikasa shakes her head.

“It isn't a problem,” she assures him.

“ _Ah mi_ , why don't you ever listen to me the way you listen to your brother?” Rosalita says as she smacks Claudia on the back of the head.

“You're too easy on her, _Abuela_ ,” he laughs and Claudia sticks her tongue out at him.

“You're brother and sister?” Mikasa asks.

“ _Si_!” Claudia answers, “Miguel's family adopted me when I was thirteen!”

“And she's been a terror ever since,” Miguel grumbles, earning a smack from Rosalita.

I try and keep things straight in my head. As far as I can tell, there is Rosalita, the grandmother, Miguel and Emanuel, who are cousins, Gilberto, Miguel's boyfriend, and Claudia, Miguel's younger sister.

The rest of our group finally comes downstairs and Claudia stands, signaling everyone to sit down. Once they do, she smiles.

“ _Hola_! I'm Claudia and I'm going to be your pilot and tour guide for today!” she announces.

“Wait,” Jean interrupts before she has even started, “ Pilot ? We are going to be flying?”

“ _Si, guapo_ ,” she nods, “I'll explain. Gilberto is going to be giving us a ride to the mainland and we will be driving to a small airport. Normally, Gilberto would be the one to fly the plane, but he isn't licensed for more than four passengers and I am, so I am doing it! We will be flying over the Mayan ruins before we land and then hike a bit to explore the ruins.”

She pauses for a moment before seeming to decide that's all that she has to say.

“Uh, yeah, question,” I say, “How old are you?”

“Nineteen,” she answers simply and not for the last time am I glad that I have an impressive poker face. We were putting our lives into the hands of a nineteen-year-old, excitable pilot. I immediately become a religious man and start silently confessing my sins.

“She may seem young, but she is an even better pilot than Gilberto,” Miguel says proudly, “Don't...tell him I said that. But I can assure you that we do not put any of our guests in danger.”

Claudia seems pleased that her older brother stood up for her and clears her throat before going over the rules and regulations of flying in the small airplane we would be in. We must have our seat belts on, we are not allowed to stand at anytime during the flight, etc.

Jean and Mikasa don't look thrilled to be flying in another plane, but before they are given a chance to object, we are all being loaded into the boat with Rosalita and Miguel promising to have dinner ready for us when we get back.

The ride to the mainland seems much shorter than the ride to the private island we were renting. The boat is loud, which would normally mean that it would be difficult to talk, but that's one of the pros to knowing sign language.

I turn to Eren and tap his shoulder to get his attention.

“ _Why do your mom want you to take pictures and not Mikasa_ ?” I sign, not even bothering to mouth the words.

“ _I'm better at it. Mikasa can't take good pictures for shit. They always come out blurry or off centered. And not in the cool, creative way_ , ” he tells me.

I look over at Mikasa and see her flipping Eren off, obviously seeing what we were talking about. Eren grins and sticks his tongue out at her.

We reach the mainland and take a van to the small airport that Claudia had told us about which was about half hour away. Riding in an old rickety van is an adventure in itself, especially since it has no seatbelts, but we make it there safely. For someone as vivacious as Claudia, she really is a cautious driver, which makes me feel a lot better about flying in a plane with her.

“Is there a way we can skip the flying part,” Jean asks as we file out of van.

Claudia looks at him strangely before she laughs.

“Funny man with the funny hair,” she says.

Jean stutters while Mikasa fails at repressing a smile and coughs to cover up a laugh. Even Annie smirks at the comment.

“M-my hair is not funny! Right, Armin?”

Armin looks away and doesn't answer so Jean turns to Mikasa for help.

“Right, Mikasa?” he asks with a puppy dog look that almost rivals Eren's.

“Of course not,” she sighs, “Your hair is super serious in it's two-toned-ness and strange undercut.”

“Thanks babe. Wait...”

“Alright, everyone in the plane,” Claudia announces before Jean can realize he has been insulted by his girlfriend.

The plane ride isn't terrible, at least for me. Jean and Mikasa look sick to their stomachs. Annie repeatedly mutters 'pussies' under her breath while Mikasa threatens to barf on her.

“If you look out the window you can see the ruins,” Claudia says from the cockpit and everyone, excluding Jean and Mikasa crowd to the window.

The ziggurats seem so small up in the air. Eren tugs at the scarf, which he is wearing despite the hot weather. It pains me to know that he is self-conscious about the scar on his neck, even if he never talks about it.

“This is your first look at the ruins of Xunantunich,” Claudia says, turning the plane to circle around it, “This is the ancient ceremonial center for the lower Mayan districts.”

“Ceremonial center?” Armin asks excitedly.

“Sacrificial ceremonies,” Claudia specifies, “I'll tell you more when we are on the ground.”

Rather than look perturbed by the information, Armin looked thrilled that we were visiting a place that held sacrifices.

“You are a little weird, Armin,” Annie says and I can't agree.

“It's fascinating! This is where the Mayans sacrificed humans so their blood could nourish the ancient gods. Do you realize how many ways of sacrifice they used? Decapitation, bows and arrows, heart removal-”

“Hey, how about you shut up. I'm nauseous enough already,” Jean says, but he isn't glaring at Armin like I expect him to be.

I look at where his gaze is and see Eren popping his lips apprehensively, hand covering his throat, anxiety written all over his face. He was trying to hide it, but he was shaking slightly, Armin's words obviously affecting him negatively.

Armin bit his lip but then laughed nervously.

“Alright, I'll spare you the details, but Mayan culture is quite interesting,” Armin says, glossing over the tense moment, and continues to babble incessantly about Mayan culture, staying clear of any gory customs.

We land, eventually, again, much to the relief of the motion sick couple.

Claudia, however, isn't fazed and gives us a only a moment before she had us hiking up a steep hill in order to get to the ruins. Fortunately, Armin and Annie were smart enough to bring backpacks full of food and water.

“Xunantunich means 'Stone Woman' in Mayan,” Claudia tells us from the front of the group, “Mostly due to rumors about how there is a woman who haunts the place.”

“Rumors?” Armin asks.

“ _Si_ ,” she responds, “At the turn of the century, people said that they could see a woman dressed in all white on the steps of El Castillo and if she looked at you with her glowing red eyes, you only had three days to live.”

She turns around and walks backwards as she forces her eyes open with her fingers.

“ Mi papi would tell me stories about how whenever someone saw her, their eyes would start hurting before they would bleed,” she says conspiratorially, “Then, all you would be able to see would be the stone woman, staring at you with her haunting red eyes.”

She turns around and laughs. It makes for an interesting story, that's for sure. I now have to convince myself again that ghosts don't exist. It's easier for me if I believe that fact. There was a reason I never watched horror films.

I look over at Eren to see how he is doing since the plain ride and notice that he already has the camera out and is taking pictures.

“Take any good ones yet?” I ask and he turns to smile at me and nod.

He angles the camera to show me what he's taken so far and it surprises me because they are actually really good. There is a few of some vibrant looking trees, Mikasa looking green as she steps out of the plane, and most recently, Claudia with her eyes pried open.

“These are really good, Eren,” I say and he only shrugs before he gets a mischievous grin and raises the camera.

I don't react in time before he snaps a picture of me. I look at him with a look of disdain and push up my glasses.

“Really?” I ask, not too pleased.

He only grins and focuses on walking up the steep hill. Once we get to the top, we are in a clearing with three ziggurats.

Claudia points to the largest one.

“This one here is _El Castillo_ ,” she tells us, “It is the second largest structure in Belize. If you climb to the top, you can see Guatemala since we are less than a mile from the border. Come, we are going to climb it now.”

We follow her as we climb the steps. Eren stops at the bottom to get a good picture before he follows quickly after us.

The stairs are steep and would probably be a bitch to climb if they were wet.

The way we are going, there is no way directly to the top, but Claudia takes us around to the side, telling us facts about the place like how the blood was drained from the top of the structure to underground and 'Oh, look! That pit held the bodies!' and so on. It made for very macabre discussion.

Considering his mild panic attack in the plane when it was mentioned before, I keep a close eye on Eren, but he seems to be intent on taking pictures rather than listening to Claudia. It occurs to me that he probably has his music turned up, due to the fact that he is bobbing his head slightly and mouthing words.

A narrow stairway around the back is the only way up and we all climb carefully, Eren even letting his camera hang around his neck so he could get up safely.

Being at the top is another experience in itself. There are nothing but trees all around, but Claudia points in the direction of Guatemala, saying that the mountains we see are in another country. She's a bit to uppity and fidgety to be on top of this building with no handrails, but she seems pretty confident.

We end up sitting on the edge and Armin passes us snacks and water.

We don't say anything for a while. I suddenly hear the shutter of a camera and turn to glare at Eren again, but this time, he is taking a picture of Annie and Armin, who, despite the looming possibility that they could fall off the edge and die, are almost sitting in each other's laps, talking lowly to each other.

“Creep,” I say and he rolls his eyes, point the camera in my direction threateningly.

“Go ahead,” I say, “I'm sure your mom would love to have a picture of me looking gross and sweaty.”

Little shit that he his, he takes the picture and I sigh, flicking him on the forehead.

“Wait, Jaeger, I have an idea!” Jean says, putting his water bottle aside and whispering something into Mikasa's ear.

She shakes her head for a moment before she says, “You're an idiot but if you die, it's not my fault.”

“It's cool. I trust you,” he tells her.

“What are you doing?” Armin asks curiously, but neither of them answer as Mikasa stands and bends over to grasp Jean's wrist. Jean, in turn, grasps, her wrist and then fucking lowers himself down the wall.

“Jean, what-!”

“You're an idiot,” Annie says, “Both of you.”

Meanwhile, Eren is jumping at the opportunity and stands to take a picture from where he is at.

“You do realize that Mrs. Jaeger is going to kill the both of you when she sees this picture,” I say nonchalantly.

“Worth it,” Jean grunts and then he looks up at his girlfriend, “Ready?”

She grabs onto the stone pillar for support and then nods. Before anyone can react, Jean detaches himself from the wall and lets himself hang freely.

“You guys are so very cool!” Claudia pipes up excitedly, “I've never seen somebody do this before! I think Miguel would have my head if he knew that I let you, though.”

Again, who thought it was a good idea to give us a nineteen-year-old tour guide?

“What if I tickled Mikasa right now?” Annie pondered, “Do you think that their love is strong enough that she would fall with him or would she let go.”

“Jean...” Mikasa says warningly and Jean nods.

“Alright, hoist me up,” He says, taking his other hand and reaching for the edge and starting to pull himself up as Mikasa helps, “Hope you got a good picture of that. That was pretty fucking awesome.”

Eren nods absently, looking at the pictures he had just taken.

“What's amazing is that Mikasa can support your one hundred and fifty pound ass with one hand,” Annie comments.

“That's my girl,” Jean says as he wraps an arm around Mikasa, “I like a woman who can drop kick me in point two seconds flat.”

“You have some weird kinks, Kirstein,” I mutter, “But whatever fills your toilet.”

They all look at me for a moment, as if trying to figure out whether to tell me that's not how the expression goes but then leave it be.

We spend the rest of our time exploring the inside of the ancient temple, even thought there are only two tiny rooms and not much to see. It's only when we all split up, Eren and I going to the second structure that is adjacent to _El Castillo_ so Eren can take some pictures that Claudia bounds up to us.

“Here, give me the camera!” she says happily and Eren furrows his eyebrows at her and clutches the camera closer.

“I will take your picture, _si_ ?” she asks, “You and your...friend. You haven't been in any.”

Eren bites his lip and I raise an eyebrow at him.

“Wouldn't your mom want to see some pictures of you too?” I ask him and he huffs, knowing I'm right.

Claudia gladly takes the camera and before I realize what happened, Eren has his arm around me, pulling me close.

I look up at him, but he is grinning cheekily at the camera. My heart stutters for a moment, seeing the face of the the teenage boy that I first started dating resurfacing. It's been a while since I've seen Eren so carefree, it relieves me and I smile slightly before I wrap my arm around his waist and look at the camera, smile gone.

“Aw, _guapo_ , you were smiling so nicely for a moment there,” Claudia says, frowning down at the camera, “I hope I got it.”

Eren looks down at me and takes his fingers, putting them on either side of my mouth and forcing them upwards.

“The fuck, Eren?” I say, prying his fingers away, but he only grins and lets out a breathy laugh, continuing to contort my face.

“Geroff me!” I yell and Claudia giggles. The fucking two of them are ganging up on me. Assholes.

After I peel Eren's fingers away from my face, we head back to the steps of the largest ziggurat, Claudia telling us that she would take a group picture of us. I look over at Eren again to see that he is smiling and has his arm around Armin before his hand snakes around my waist and I think that maybe Annie is right and that the vacation won't make him open up, but at least he is having a good time for the first time in a long time.

As we leave, I take one last look back to the old ruins and I swear I see a woman in a white dress sitting on the steps, but when I adjust my glasses and look again, she isn't there.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I...really have no excuse for how late this is. I'm sorry. ;a;
> 
> And no, Levi didn't really see anything, he's just a superstitious idiot and thinks he did. Ah, I love that idiot.
> 
> This was originally going to be the rest of the vacation, but there is so much, I split it into two...again. So only one more chapter of vacation after this. Hopefully.


	31. Past

“Eren, would you please tell me where the fuck we are going?” I asked from the passenger side of the car.

“It's a secret!” he told me happily from the driver's seat, “If I told you, it would ruin the surprise!”

“I hate surprises,” I grumbled, but he only laughed.

“C'mon, at least pretend to be excited. This is the first time that _I'm_ the one taking _you_ on a date. You are going to love it,” he promised.

“If you are taking me to a damn arcade or something, we're breaking up,” I threatened.

Eren sighed.

“I guess I have to turn the car around then,” he said sadly, “Now I have to figure something else out.”

I snapped my head to face him and glared.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I growled, “The first date you are going to take me on is an arcade?”

“What have you got against arcades?” he asked, a little hurt, “They can be a lot of fun!”

“For middle schoolers,” I muttered.

“Oh, look at you being all pretentious,” Eren laughed, “Next date I take you on is definitely going to be the arcade. Then you can see just how wrong you are.”

There was a beat of silence before I figured out what he said.

“Wait...so we _aren't_ going to an arcade?” I asked and he shook his head, “You're a little shit.”

“This shit is taller than you so I would shut up,” Eren sang gleefully.

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence since I refused to talk to him.

I did however, say something when we reached the parking lot of our destination.

“We're going to the zoo?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Eren parked the car and looked over at me bashfully.

“Well...that was the plan,” he said, looking down at his lap, “We can do something else if you-”

I didn't wait for him to finish his sentence as I got out of the car. He looked up in shock and I bend over to look back at him.

“What are doing? Thought you were taking me to the zoo. Hurry up,” I said before I shut the door to the car. Only a second later, Eren scrambles out, wallet in hand and locked it before rushing over to me. 

After a second of deliberation, he took my hand in his and we walked to the gate.

It had been fucking forever since I had been to the zoo. The last time I had gone had been when I was ten and my mom took Erwin, Hanji, and I, which she soon realized was a mistake. Erwin was the calmest of the three of us, doing what my mother had instructed. Even then, I held a high regard for hygiene and it was apparent that most of the people at the zoo weren't even close to my standards, so I refused to touch any surface and at one point found a zoo worker and instructed them on proper cleaning procedures. 

Hanji, however, thought it was a good idea to try and break into the alpaca exhibit. Needless to say, it was her that got us kicked out and my mom vowed never to take us again.

But I think we all had fun. Well, except for my mother.

Eren paid for the day pass and as soon as the teller gave us our wristbands, we were inside.

“Where do you want to go first?” he asked, bouncing on his heels.

I shrugged.

“Let's go see the reptiles,” I told him and he grinned, squeezing my hand as we walked in the direction of the reptile exhibit.

It was a relaxing sort of date, one where we didn't talk much but we enjoyed each other's company while looking at the various animals. The kids around us screaming were the only thing keeping it from being completely peaceful.

“I always thought zoos were kind of sad,” Eren told me as we were looking at an anaconda through a large window.

“Yet you brought me to one,” I said blankly but then look at him, “Why?”

Eren sighed and gestured to the snake that was curled up under a large lamp that was in place of the sun it probably needed.

“It's just that the animals are all stuck in these cages, no chance of actually seeing the places they come from,” Eren said, “They're stuck, cooped up like...like...”

“Animals?” I supplied.

He glared at me, but then nodded.

“I don't know how to explain it,” he said, “I would imagine that it would be terrible to be caged like they are. I wouldn't be able to handle it.”

“Most of these animals are born in captivity, Eren,” I said reasonably, “They don't even know what they are missing. And some of them live even longer lives than they would in the wild.”

“But what is a life if you live in the same enclosure everyday?” he asked, “Doing the same thing everyday and surviving isn't living. And even if they were born in captivity, don't you think that maybe they might wonder what's beyond these walls?”

I wanted to tell him he was being ridiculous, but I could see his point. Even if he was taking it very personally, I could feel the same way.

“Maybe we take our freedom for granted,” I said pensively, “But then again, we live in a different kind of cage.”

Eren cocked his head at me, slight confusion on his face.

“The American education system,” I clarified.

He blinked at me before he lets out a laugh.

“You asshole. I was being serious!” he chuckled.

“So was I,” I said, shrugging, “But I do think that freedom is relative. Just because we feel free doesn't mean we _are_ free.”

“So we settle?” Eren asked sadly, “We settle for the illusion of freedom?”

I turned my body towards him, looking him in the eye.

“Fuck no,” I said, “We keep pushing for freedom, just like humanity has always done. I mean look at minority rights and gay rights. We've come so far but we keep pushing for the freedom we deserve because we haven't reached it yet, but we hold onto the hope that we will someday.”

We're both quiet for a moment before Eren grinned.

“We got awfully deep for a date to the zoo,” he said and I rolled my eyes.

“Hey, if we aren't going to be able to talk about deep shit together, than odds are this won't work out,” I told him and he makes a noise of agreement.

We go to the Asian animal exhibit next, looking at the red pandas and clouded leopards and so on. 

After seeing the birds, Eren and I stop at the cafe they have in the zoo for some lunch, to which Eren treats again. It feels weird to let Eren pay, but he is insistent, so I don't argue.

It isn't until we go to the Savannah exhibit that I find out Eren's favorite animal are lions.

“King of the jungle is what they are, Levi!” he said excitedly.

“Are you sure that's right? Lions don't live in jungles,” I said.

“King of beasts then. Don't ruin my chakra,” he told me as he takes out his phone to take a picture.

“Chakra...what?” I asked confusedly, “Eren, I think you are confused.”

“Probably, but look at that lion!” he said, undeterred. I could only roll my eyes.

We stayed at the exhibit longer than we had at the previous ones, Eren snapping a picture anytime one of the lions moved. Eventually, I got impatient and dragged Eren away so we could see some other animals.

The zoo was a lot larger than I remembered, so by the time we got to the sea mammals exhibit, it was nearing five in the afternoon.

We looked around at the various exhibits, larger tanks for things such as orcas and dolphins before we found some of the smaller animals like otters and beavers.

However, my eyes widened when I saw a certain duck billed mammal and I rushed over to the glass.

“Levi, what-oh, platypi,” Eren said, “Or is it platypuses? I don't know. Either way, it's cool.”

“Platypus is Greek in origin so the correct plural form would be platypodes,” I answered, “But platypuses work too.”

“That's...great.”

“Did you know that a platypus has no stomach?” I asked, never taking my eyes off the ones that were swimming in the water, “Their esophagus goes straight to their intestines. It's like an instant shit. They also have sharp stingers in their feet that are venomous and can be removed. But also look how fucking weird they look. It's like an otter-beaver hybrid fucked a duck and this was the result.”

Eren snorted.

“For a minute there, you were sounding a lot like Hanji,” he laughed, “You like platy... _podes_ then, huh?”

I stood and looked at him with a blank face and shrugged.

“They're okay,” I said before I looked back at the enclosure.

“Be right back,” Eren said, and before I could object, he was gone. I decided not to sweat it and continued to watch the tank.

I felt eyes on me and looked around before I saw a little blonde girl in a blue dress staring up at me. I fully expected her to say something about my height but instead, she she threw me for a loop.

“You said a bad word,” she accused.

I furrow my eyebrows, wondering which one she was referring too.

“Mommy says that saying the 'F' word is bad,” she told me.

I looked around for the kid's parents but didn't find any so I crouched down to her level instead.

“Listen, kid-”

“Abigail,” she corrected and I was seriously wondering whatever happened to the 'Don't talk to strangers' rule.

“Listen, Abigail,” I started again, “I'm going to tell you a secret. You ready?”

She leans forward and nods eagerly.

“It's only a bad word if you say it in front of your parents or teachers,” I told her. Yeah, I had to remember that it was a good thing I wasn't going to be having kids anytime soon.

She squints her eyes suspiciously.

“Why don't they want me to say it?” she challenged.

“Because adults don't think little kids like you can handle a word,” I said honestly.

“I'm not little!” she protested.

“ _I_ know you aren't, but that's what most adults think,” I told her.

“Well...that's stupid!” she huffed.

I nodded.

“It is,” I agreed.

She shuffled her feet and looked at me.

“Can I say it now?” she asked.

“Am I your parent or teacher?” I asked in turn and she shook her head, “Then, go ahead.”

She looked around before leaning close to me and whispering, “Fuck.”

She burst into a round of giggles, and I smiled.

“Good job, ki-Abigail,” I said, “Now just remember not to say it in front of adults, okay? You can't get away with that until you get older.”

“Okay!” she said happily.

“And don't say it in front of any kids who would rat you out either,” I warned.

“Got it!” she responded.

“Alright, you'll be alright then,” I said.

“Abigail!” someone shouted and Abigail turned to look.

“That's my mom. I'll see you later, Mr. Fuck,” she said before she scurried off to a blonde woman who looked displeased with having her kid separated from her.

It occurred to me that I just taught a kid how to swear. I needed to work on my children skills.

“What are you doing on the floor?” 

I looked up and saw Eren looking down at me. I stand from my crouch and dust my pants off.

“Practicing shitty parenting,” I said.

He looked like he wanted to ask about it, but then shrugged and took my hand.

“Come on,” he said, dragging me away from the platypus exhibit, “You are going to want to see this.”

“I wasn't done, Eren!” I complain.

“Trust me, this is way better than what you were doing,” Eren assured me and when he pulled me into the next room, I saw that he was right.

It was a room full of people around open tanks that had various water dwelling animals in them. There were sting rays and jellyfish that didn't sting and otters. The one that caught my attention was the one that held platypuses/platypodes in them.

Due to the fact that they weren't good looking on the animal spectrum of attractiveness, not as many people were crowded around this tank so it gave me plenty of room to approach.

There were two of them on the inside enclosure and \my eyes widened as one swam up to me, it's head breaching the surface.

“Aw, I think it likes you,” Eren cooed but I ignore him, putting my hand in the water and reaching out to pet the animal.

Petting it was strange. It was slimy, but not in a bad way and it actually nudged my hand as I started scratching at it's head. Pretty soon I as using two hands to pet the angel of an aquatic mammal.

“Hey, Levi,” Eren said in a voice that made me look up at him.

He was holding his camera and looked around before saying, “Hold it up. I want to get your picture with it.”

I stared at him before I shook my head.

“Eren, I'm pretty sure that we aren't allowed to hold the animals,” I told him.

“Come on,” he goaded, “You would be able to say that you held a platypus. How many people get to say that?”

I rolled my eyes and continued scratching the animal, which looked like it was enjoying itself quite a bit.

“Fine, but do it quick,” I said, making sure nobody was watching before I lifted the animal out of the water and turned it to face the camera, getting the front of my shirt soaking wet.

“Smile!” Eren said, lifting the camera, and for once, I actually grinned at the camera because _holy shit_ , I was actually holding one of the best animals nature had ever produced.

I don't know how many he took before I saw on of the workers noticed what we were doing and started towards us.

“Shit,” I cursed, putting the creature back into it's tank.

It made a chirping sound of protest.

“I know, I know,” I said, patting it's head sadly.

“Sir,” the woman started with an annoyed expression on her face, “Picking up the animals is prohibited. I'm going to-”

“Yeah!” Eren interrupted, “We were just leaving. Nice uniform by the way! Really slims you! Anyway, gotta go. Bye!”

With that, he grabbed my hand and we booked it out of that room. We didn't stop running until we were back in the bird exhibit.

Eren stopped and doubled over, trying to catch his breath.

“Usually, this is where I would say you are an idiot,” I huffed, “But that was pretty stupid of me too.”

Eren grinned up at me and started to laugh.

“Worth it though, right?” he asked.

“Yeah, definitely,” I agreed.

“So how good is your boyfriend at taking you out on dates?” he asked, standing up and smirking at me.

“Not bad,” I admitted, “I got to hold a platypus. One of my better dates.”

Eren showed me the pictures he took of me holding up the animal and I smiled slightly, feeling slightly embarrassed at how excited I looked to hold a damn platypus, but Eren seemed thrilled.

“And I have a great picture for the background of my phone now,” he said happily.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so a platypus makes a really adorable [sound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsd7ZfdZcNU). It's like a kitten.
> 
> And this chapter wasn't originally planned because I didn't think the vacation chapters were going to be this long, so enjoy your filler!
> 
> The next chapter might be a couple days so don't worry if you don't hear from me! After this next chapter though, things should pick up again.
> 
> Fun fact: Little Abigail in this chapter was actually based off of this random [girl](http://snk.wbijam.pl/grafika/odcinki/25_21.jpg) from the anime. She looked to sad so I made her petulant and taught her how to swear. Yay!
> 
> Also, I've reached over 15,000 hits!!! Thank you guys so much! You're the greatest!
> 
> If you want to talk, hit me up at [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com)! I love having you guys talk to me, whether it's about my story or just your lives in general!


	32. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please take note of the tag changes.

Getting to sleep is hard. Eren seems to have no trouble with it, but I can't stop thinking of bleeding eyes and seeing a woman dressed in white.

I know it's not real. I just buy too easily into that kind of thing. There are no such things as ghosts.

Still, no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can't fall asleep.

When Eren shifts on the bed, the movement scares me and I almost yelp. Fortunately, I manage to keep the embarrassing sound in and look over at Eren.

He's facing away from me as he has been the previous two nights we've been here, but I feel like something is wrong.

I am proven right when he flops onto his back, breathing hard. I sit up and watch him closely.

After a few seconds, he jerks and throws a hand in front of his face before using his other hand to punch the air. Before I can process what is happening, he is thrashing around.

Sleep terrors are something that I know Eren has every so often, mostly due to the fact that the Jaeger's had told me, but I had never been present for one and it is terrifying me.

Eren bolts upright, gasping and raising his arms as if trying to ward off someone or something. After doing research on them after I had been told, I know that Eren probably won't even remember this and can't hear me. Even so, I sit up on my knees and maneuver my way behind him.

“Eren, hey,” I say quietly, but he doesn't respond and thrashes even more, “Hey, it's okay. You're safe.”

I wrap my arms around his waist and chest and pull him back against my chest, my legs opening to give him a space to sit.

His flailing doesn't stop and he elbows me in the gut. I grunt but don't let go of him. His head is moving side to side frantically and I can see tears spilling down over his cheeks.

“Shhh,” I soothe, raising a hand to smooth his hair and continue doing it to comfort him, “It's alright. I'm here. You're safe, alright.”

I know that if he could, he would probably be screaming. His hands are scratching at nothing and his body is trembling. It kills me to see him like this, but I know that all I can do is wait for it to be over.

I notice that he doesn't have his earbuds in and I realize that he must have accidentally torn them out.

“Where did they go?” I say, not really expecting an answer, “You are going to be pretty upset if you wake up without them.”

I fumble around for a few minutes, trying to find Eren's iPod and earphones in the sheets while trying to comfort him through his sleep terror, but eventually I find it.

I put the earbuds in as gently as I can considering that Eren is still flailing. Once I accomplish this task, I look through his iPod to find a soothing song and settle for one under the playlist “Calm songs”. Something about an unbroken circle, but I don't pay much attention to it.

I just continue holding Eren, knowing that there is nothing I can do and that waking him up would be worse. I stroke his hair and kiss his cheek, hoping that even though he isn't awake, his subconscious knows that he is safe with me.

Eventually, he starts to calm down, his thrashing turning into sporadic jerks and his hands falling limply onto the bed.

I sigh, thinking that the worst is over and he can finally sleep peacefully.

But suddenly, he rips himself from my arms and scuttles off the bed, hitting the floor with a loud thunk before I hear him shuffling even farther away. I'm shocked frozen for a second, my hands still suspended in the air where Eren just was before I look around for him.

It's dark in the room, so I reach over and turn on the lamp on the bedside table to see him leaning against the wall with his knees to his chest, looking at me with wide, frightened eyes.

“Eren...?” I ask, not sure if he is awake or still sleeping.

All he does is raise his shaking hands to his ears and covers them. I take this as my cue to know that he is awake and I see that he has once again ripped out his earphones.

I take them and swing my legs off the bed, but he flinches, still terrified.

“Hey, Bright Eyes,” I say softly, “It's me, Levi. I'm just going to give your music back, alright? I'm not going to hurt you.”

His eyes gain a certain kind of clarity and he nods before taking a deep breath. I cross the room and hold his things out to him and he takes them, shoving the earbuds into his ears like his life depended on it. After a few moments, he relaxes against the wall and breathes. He focuses on that for a while before I make any sort of movement towards him.

Tentatively, I raise my hands and take his in my own. He jumps, but doesn't pull away.

I look at him and see that he almost looks...embarrassed?

“Hey, what's wrong?” I ask, despite the episode that just happened.

He looks down at his knees and bites his lip, refusing to look at me.

“Eren,” I say, leaning closer and gently taking his chin in my hand, “Tell me.”

I smell it then and I realized what has happened and why he is so embarrassed that he is turning as red as a tomato.

The poor kid pissed himself in fear. And despite the disgust that Eren thinks I must be feeling, all I can feel is incredible guilt. If I hadn't been touching him, he probably would have been fine. Having my arm around his waist with my hand in his hair must have triggered something and he woke up violently and messily.

“Alright, stand up,” I instruct, “You need a shower and I'll take care of your clothes, alright?”

He looks at me, questioning me. I can tell he is mortified that this has happened, but right now, I care more about him being alright.

“It's alright, Bright Eyes,” I reassure, “Things like this happen. It's not the end of the world. We'll clean it up and no one else will ever have to know, okay?”

He looks away, a pained expression on his face, but after a moment, he stands. Now that he isn't covering up, I can see the wet spot on his boxers.

“Into the shower with you,” I say, “And leave your boxers and shirt on the floor. I'll get you some new ones.”

He does as I instruct before he turns to me, face still ashamed.

“ _Can you get me my waterproof headphones and iPod_?” he asks and I nod, motioning him to the bathroom.

I hear the shower start as I begin to dig through his bag.

Eren has three iPods. One he uses normally, a back up, and a waterproof one for when he takes showers. His headphones are all organized and I can never figure the fuck how he keeps them from tangling, but I find the waterproof ones and the iPod before I go over and knock on the bathroom door.

It opens a crack and Eren sticks his hand out and I place the iPod and headphones in his hand.

“I'll be in in a couple of minutes to get your clothes, alright?” I say and he gives me a thumbs up before he shuts the door.

I rock on the balls of my feet for a moment before I shuffle back to the bed to check if I need to change the sheets. Fortunately, I don't. I think that would only further Eren's embarrassment if I had to.

I decide that doing a full load of laundry would be better than just doing his. I gather up some of our clothes before I knock on the door.

“I'm coming in,” I say before I open the door. I'm not sure he even hears me due to the fact that he has his music in and he is in the shower.

His clothes are balled up, shirt on the outside as if he is still trying to hide what happened. I pick it up, carefully, because while I don't care that it happened, I would rather not get piss on me.

I know there is a washer and dryer downstairs and at the back of the house so I quietly make my way down the stairs. I see the the clock says three-fifteen and I curse to myself. Of fucking course I would go downstairs during the witching hour. Not that I believed in that shit, but I had already been having issues sleeping due to that stupid story Claudia told us.

“Grow some balls,” I tell myself as I navigate in the darkness.

When I find the laundry room, I turn on the light and it temporarily blinds me.

I figure the washer and dryer is mostly used for bedding and towels since I doubt that Rosalita would clean our clothes unless she asked.

I load the clothes in, making use of the detergent they have before I turn it on and close the lid. When I wake up in the morning, I will have to remember to put the clothes in the dryer.

I turn and there is someone standing in the doorway, so I do the logical thing.

I jump back in terror and scream before my brain kicks into gear and I raise my fists to defend myself.

“ _Señor!_ "

I take a breath and look at Miguel, who decided to make an appearance and three-fucking-fifteen in the morning.

“Shit, Miguel,” I say, lowering my hands, “You scared the fuck out of me.”

Miguel, to his credit, is trying not to laugh at the scream I just produced, but also looks like he just rolled out of bed.

“Is everything alright?” he asks, voice tinged with the laughter he is holding back.

“Perfect, except for the fact that you just about sent me to an early grave,” I mutter, “What are you doing here?”

He looks at me, confused.

“Well, _ _Señor__ , I stay here in the room next to the laundry room in case anyone has any problems during their stay here,” he tells me, “I heard the washer start, so I came to see if you needed any assistance.”

“You stay here?” I ask and he nods, “What about Rosalita and Emanuel?”

“Gilberto brings them in the morning. They both have family that they need to be with,” he tells me and for some reason, that makes me a little sad.

“Did you need anything, __Señor__ ?” he asks.

“Uh...no,” I answer, “I was just doing some laundry because...our clothes were dirty.”

I see confusion, then suspicion, then understanding pass on his face before he gives me a smirk.

“Where is Eren?” he asks and I find it an odd question for him to ask.

“...In the shower,” I answer slowly and his smirk only widens into a grin.

“ _Lo siento_ , I'm just being nosy,” he says, “I'll go back to bed now. I'm sorry for scaring you.”

“Don't mention it. Seriously,” I say, “But wait, Miguel!”

He stops and looks at me, waiting for me to speak.

“When you wake us up in the morning, can you just wake me up?” I ask, “Just let Eren sleep. And don't say anything about seeing me down here.”

Miguel smiles knowingly and nods.

“Of course. Goodnight,” he says before he disappears into the hallway.

It occurs to me on my way back upstairs that he thought Eren and I were banging. At least he thinks that rather than what actually happened. I'm sure Eren would be horrified if someone else knew.

When I get back to the room, Eren is already out of the shower and in bed, facing away from me. I decide to take a leak before I go back to bed.

I slip back under the light covers.

I don't know what to say, but I know that Eren needs comfort. Even before everything, I was never good at words and encouraging. I want to wrap him in my arms but I know it doesn't comfort him the way it would comfort me.

“Miguel scared the shit out of me downstairs,” I say, “I didn't know he stayed here twenty-four/seven.”

He cranes his head to look at me and signs something I barely catch.

“No, I did _not_ scream,” I lie, and I already know that he knows I'm lying, “You never know, it could have been a thief or something.”

“ _How would they have gotten to an island without us hearing a motorboat_?” he asks.

“I get the distinct impression you are judging me, you little shit,” I say and he huffs a laugh.

“ _No, I just know that you are a pussy when it comes to ghosts. I know that Claudia's story freaked you out_ ,” he teases and I am relieved he is wearing a bit of a smirk.

“Oh, fuck off, Jaeger,” I grumble and I hear his breath stutter in laughter.

I reach to turn off the light and lay on my side, facing his back.

“Goodnight, Bright Eyes,” I say and I expect that to be it for the night, but after a moment, he starts moving towards me, still not facing me.

He reaches behind him and lifts my arm so he can settle his back against my chest before he wraps my arm around him.

Needless to say, I'm surprised. Eren always hated sleeping with someone touching him, even before this whole mess. He couldn't sleep if someone was touching him. He would love to cuddle, yeah, but when it came to sleeping, I knew that it was just a tick of his.

Either way, I tighten my arm around him, taking the chance he is giving me. I decide to say the words that I haven't said in a while but I know he needs to hear them.

“Eren,” I whisper, hoping he can hear me over his music, “I love you.”

It's a shot in the dark and saying the words have always left me feeling vulnerable, even moreso now, but he squeezes my hand and I hear him breath out a, “Thank you”.

I fall asleep first, smiling into Eren's neck and feeling his heartbeat beneath my fingertips.

* * *

 

Miguel keeps his word and only wakes me up, quietly of course.

When I wake up, Eren is once more on the other side of the bed. Miguel seems pleased that I get up with less hassle than the day before and I thank him before he goes on his way.

I take a quick shower and check on Eren, who is still asleep, before I go downstairs for breakfast.

“Where's Eren?” Mikasa asks when she sees me.

“Good morning to you too,” I reply as I sit down and take a banana from the fruit bowl on the table, “Eren's sleeping. He doesn't feel well.”

“What's wrong with him?” Jean asks, shoving a breakfast churro into his mouth.

“Just had a hard time sleeping and wasn't feeling good,” I answer vaguely. They don't need to know anymore than that.

“He's probably not up for a trip to go shopping at the mainland then,” Armin says sadly, “Gilberto is coming to get us in a half hour.”

“I'll stay,” Mikasa says suddenly, “I'll get more chances to buy things so I'll stay here.”

“'Kasa-” Jean starts, but Annie interrupts him.

“That's probably a good idea,” she says simply, “Sibling bonding and all that shit.”

Jean doesn't look to happy about it, but Mikasa pats his leg reassuringly.

We finish our breakfast, Rosalita coming in to clean of the table and shoo us away so we can get ready for our shopping trip.

I'm getting my shoes on when Annie steps into the room. She quietly gets her own shoes on before she stops and stares at me.

If there is one thing I appreciate about Annie it's the fact that she doesn't know how to communicate with people any better than I do. At least I can understand that part of her, knowing that she isn't really a cold hearted bitch like most people think, just a bit awkward that comes across as aloofness.

“Hey, Ackerman,” she says and I look over at her, “Just wanted to say thanks...for all of this. Armin really needed a vacation and it's nice to see him relax. So, thanks.”

I straighten and properly look at her. She is looking at something off to the side, avoiding my face and I can tell that it embarrasses her that she is showing gratitude.

“What about you?” I ask, “Did you need this?”

She turns her gaze to me and raises an eyebrow.

“Didn't think you cared,” she says simply, “Figured I was just an attachment to Armin in your eyes.”

“If I didn't care, I wouldn't have let you come on the trip,” I tell her, “You lost someone close to you too and I know you aren't over it. So, yeah, I guess I do care.”

She stares at me with an indecipherable expression before she sighs.

“Armin was right,” Annie mutters before she continues with, “Yes, I did need this. Thank you.”

Jean comes into the room then, not giving me a chance to respond, so I merely nod.

* * *

 

We get back much later in the day, having stopped for lunch. Claudia had been our tour guide once more, excitedly chattering to us and lamenting the fact that the ' _guapo_ with green eyes' didn't come along. Jean teased that she was after the Jaeger booty, but it's a commonly known fact that Claudia has a little too much boob and not enough dick for Eren's taste.

We enter the living room and we find Eren and Mikasa sitting on the couch watching some Spanish soap opera.

“Having a good time?” Jean asks and they both look up.

“Well, I don't speak Spanish, but Eren seems invested,” Mikasa smiles and Eren bits his lip, turning a bit red.

“ _It was just...on_ ,” he says lamely.

Nobody believes him.

“I got you something,” Jean announces, sitting next to his girlfriend and presenting a necklace with a silver pendant that had a Mayan engraving of a sun on it.

If anybody else catches the small blush on Mikasa's face, they don't mention it.

Eren looks to me expectantly and I roll my eyes, bringing out the book of photographs from different scenery all around Belize. I know he doesn't read all that often, but seeing the places would appeal to him.

I know I didn't fuck up the gift when he beams at me before flipping through the pages.

* * *

 

That night passes peacefully, Eren once again cuddling up to me. When I wake up, he is sleeping on the other side of the bed again but wakes up once I come out of the bathroom after taking a shower.

This day is the day that Armin has been looking forward to. We were going to go snorkeling and see the coral reefs before we got to swim with small sharks and sting rays.

Claudia and Miguel came along, leaving the house to Rosalita and Emanuel. Gilberto, however, was the one that was instructing us on how to put our snorkels and goggles on properly as well as the swimfins that we would be using. Overall, we look fucking ridiculous and I'm glad that nobody has their cameras.

“Most importantly,” Gilberto tells us, “Try your hardest _not_ to touch the coral reefs. They are very fragile and we are trying to preserve them.”

We all nod in agreement and he throws his feet over the side of the boat before letting himself into the water.

“Well, come on then!” Claudia says, following suit and we all do as she says.

It's really quite beautiful underneath the water. I look over and see Eren making sure his headphones are alright as well as his iPod. Thank fuck for modern technology and the ability to make things waterproof.

Due to the fact that we only have snorkels, we swim close to the surface. I feel something nudge at my hand and look over and see that Eren is interlocking our fingers. He grins and gives me a thumbs up before he returns his attention to what is ahead of us.

We navigate through the reefs and Eren and I don't remain connected for long, but it still leaves me feeling warm inside.

More than once we stop to see some of the natural wildlife. We see quite a few turtles and at one point, Gilberto stops and picks something up before motioning for us all to break the surface.

He motions for Armin, who is closest to him to hold out his hand and the blond does so hesitantly. Gilberto places something tan and prickly in his hand and Armin jerks back, but doesn't drop it.

“This is a sea urchin,” Gilberto tells us, “It will latch onto your hand and stay there if you let it. Go ahead and turn your hand upside down.”

Armin does as he is told and he grins when he finds that the sea urchin is staying on his hand. The creature is passed around until Gilberto returns it to its spot.

We swim for a while after that until we get back to the boat. We take the time that Gilberto drives the boat to apply more sunscreen, except for Eren, smug fucker that he is.

“ _I don't burn_ ,” he says, grinning.

“I hope you do,” I grumble, lathering it onto my pale skin, “Then you wouldn't be on your high horse.”

“He's never burned, he just tans,” Mikasa says.

“Lucky fucker,” Jean spits at him and Eren shrugs.

Gilberto finally stops the boat in another location and he lets us know that we don't have to wear our goggles and snorkels anymore.

We get out of the boat and instantly we are surrounded by smaller sharks than I thought we were going to be swimming with and stingrays.

“You can pet them, they are very friendly,” Claudia says petting a shark that had nudged against her, “They are nurse sharks.”

I reach my hand out for a passing stingray and feel its slippery skin beneath my fingers. I smile slightly, pleased.

“Come on, Annie,” I hear Armin plead, “The sharks aren't going to bite.”

“It's not the sharks I'm worried about,” she says and I turn to see that she is sitting on the edge of the boat, legs crossed but looking like she had no intention of getting in the water, “It's the stingrays.”

“Oh, they won't sting you,” Gilberto promises, “You can even grab onto their tails, gently of course.”

“Nope,” Annie says firmly, “That's how Steve Erwin died and I'm not going to chance it.”

At that, Jean bursts out laughing.

“What happened to him was a tragic accident, Kirstein,” Annie snapped, “I don't think you should be laughing.”

“No, it's not that,” Jean says, still laughing, “It's just that I never thought I'd see the day where Annie Leonhardt is afraid of something.”

“I am _not_ afraid of them,” Annie insists, “Just smart about what I get near.”

“Annie, seriously its alright,” Armin soothes, reaching out for a stingray, “Look, like Gilberto said, I can touch it's tail and-AAAHH!”

Armin lets out a shriek and pulls back his hand, convulsing into the water before I can process what happened. Jean's eyes widen and Eren looks shell shocked. Miguel, Claudia, and Gilberto don't look too concerned, so that is my tip off that nothing is actually wrong.

“Armin!” Annie screams before she throws herself into the water.

Not even a second later, Armin comes up, laughing hysterically.

“S-see, Annie,” he says through his laughter, “It wasn't that hard to get in the water.”

Eren slaps a hand over his mouth, trying to hide the shocked smile that came onto his face while Jean is now howling with mirth.

Annie stares at him for a moment before she turns away from him and hauls herself up back onto the boat.

I chuckle.

“You've really done it now, Arlert,” I say, feeling something nudge my leg and seeing it was another nurse shark.

“Yeah, man,” Jean says, trying to sober himself, “Whenever I see that look on Mikasa's face, I know I'm fucked.”

“I'm not mad,” Annie says simply and if living with my mom for twenty years has taught me anything, it's that when a woman says they aren't mad after you pull a dick move, it means they are furious.

Despite the tense atmosphere between Annie and Armin, the latter of which gets back in the boat and talks quietly to Annie, we manage to enjoy ourselves. I don't even notice Armin taking pictures of us from the boat until Eren slings an arm around me and poses ridiculously. Overall, it's good to be having fun with Eren again.

* * *

 

The rest of the day is spent in relaxation when we get back to the house. The six of us decide to make use of the jacuzzi and judging by how close Annie and Armin are acting, I can only assume that Armin has been forgiven.

As I lay down in the shared bed Eren and I have, I can feel the beginnings of a sunburn on my shoulder, despite my carefulness.

Eren once more becomes the little spoon, draping my arm over him.

I can't be any happier that we are finally this close, but for some reason, it still feels as if Eren is a million miles away from me. For some reason, for all the touches and cuddling that Eren has been initiating, it feels off for some reason.

But then again, it is to be expected. He was kidnapped for six months and I kick myself for expecting things to go exactly back to the way they were before.

I'm awake with my thoughts, but eventually, Eren must think I'm asleep because he disentangles himself from my arms. At first, I think he is only going to curl up on the other side of the bed and fall asleep, but instead, he gets up and quietly leaves the room.

I wait a few seconds before I get up as well and follow after him, a little worried. I see him descend the stairs, sighing heavily. I sneak my way down the stairs and see him go outside, but before I can follow, I feel a hand on my arm.

Swallowing a yell of fear, I turn to see Armin looking at me.

“What's wrong?” he asks.

“Dunno,” I reply honestly, “He just got up and left. What the fuck are you doing up?”

“I was thirsty...” Armin says, distracted and looking over my shoulder, “Look, how about I go talk to him, alright?”

I can tell that Armin isn't so much as asking as telling me that he is going to talk to him.

I nod and he brushes past me to go out the front door that Eren had disappeared out of a couple minute ago.

I peer out the window and see in the dim lighting that Eren has his feet hanging off the dock and into the water while he is lying on his back. Armin approaches and after a moment, he lays down and does the same thing. I'm to far away to hear what they are saying, but I am grateful that Armin is there for Eren at least.

Going back to bed feels wrong, so instead, I lay on the couch doing too much thinking and not enough thinking at the same time.

When it starts to turn light outside, I realize that Armin or Eren haven't come back inside yet and I decide to go check on them.

I check through the window first and I see that they are still laying on the dock, but Armin has is feet out of the water and is curled up against Eren, who seems to be sleeping as well, his arm being used as a pillow.

Perhaps I should be jealous, but I know that the two of them have been friends since birth practically. Not only that, but I'm sure that when Eren tried to shift away from Armin, he found that he would fall into the water if he did. Not for the last time do I realize that Armin is a crafty fucker.

I take a blanket outside and cover the both of them up before I go back inside and crash on the couch.

* * *

 

Despite the minimal amount of sleep I get, I'm ready for the shopping trip that's planned, this time on a tourist island that Terry had suggested.

It being our second to last day here in Belize, it seems as if everyone wants to make the most of it.

Breakfast is a lot louder than it has been all week and this time, we all insist that Miguel, Rosalita, and Emanuel sit with us. They seem shocked and initially reject the offer, but eventually cave after we keep bothering them to comply.

We soon head off to the island, Caye Caulker, which is small, but full of life in itself and beautiful. Gilberto doesn't accompany us this time, telling us that he would be waiting for us whenever we got back.

“There is only so many times you can see the island before it gets old,” he jokes and we all nod. I suppose that it must lose it's novelty after going to it so many times.

I remember to get souvenirs for Erwin and Hanji as well as the rest of my friends and my mother. There are some actual souvenir shops, but we stay close to the booths with local merchants. Jean, surprisingly, as well as Armin are relatively good at bartering for a lower price on things.

There is one point where we get stopped by man and all of us our apprehensive, but instead, he surprises us.

“Look at these two gorgeous women!” he says in a thick accent, “I am the Lobster King and this is my palace!”

He motions to a restaurant behind him with outdoor tables with a sign that says 'Lobster Palace'.

“I tell you what, you ladies can eat free at my palace and be my lobster queens, yes?” he asked.

Jean looks like he is about to protest, but Mikasa and Annie exchange a glance before Annie nods and Mikasa answers with a, “Sure.”

Excitedly, the self-dubbed Lobster King puts his arms around both Annie and Mikasa and leads them to a table, leaving the rest of us behind.

“Wait...Mikasa,” Jean protests and she looks back.

“I'm sorry, who are you? See, I'm a queen now and I can't be bothered with commoners,” she teases and Jean stands there dumbstruck. Armin looks equally shocked while Eren seems to be having a hard time breathing because he is laughing so hard.

“Take them to a foreign country and they decide to exchange the old models for a new one,” I say, “Unless either of you can offer them a kingdom to win them back.”

“ _They're doomed_ ,” Eren signs, “ _The guy is quite the catch and he gives out free food_.”

“Should I be jealous?” I ask and he rolls his eyes.

“ _Most definitely. But I have a feeling that I'm not the Lobster King's type_ , _so you are safe for now_ ,” he replies.

“For now,” I repeat blankly.

“ _Well, you're a millionaire, so you are pretty much safe, but if someone offered me a kingdom, we might have some problems_ ,” he teases.

“Good to see you have your priorities straight,” I tell him.

* * *

 

By the time we get back, both Annie and Mikasa tallied up a total of nine marriage proposals, Mikasa wining by one, swelling her head only a little. Armin doesn't seem to mind that Annie got paid attention to by other guys, only passive aggressively holding her hand. Jean, on the other hand, needs to be soothed by his girlfriend that no, she isn't leaving him, and no, it's not a good idea to beat up the locals.

We end up driving back in the boat well after dark, watching the lights of the island fade away as we head back to our private island.

We are all exhausted so we pretty much head to bed right away, Rosalita chuckling at us.

I take a nice cool shower, letting the water soak me before I get out and get ready for bed, hurrying a bit so Eren can shower. Despite at our growing closeness, seeing him naked is one of those unspoken boundaries that I won't even attempt to cross unless he allows it.

Still, as much as I hold back, I still miss our bodies pressing together in lustful passion. I know I have to prepare myself for the possibility that Eren might not ever want sex again, because if that is the case, then I know that would be it for me as well. Regardless if anybody knew it or not, I couldn't be with anyone else after being with him.

I leave the bathroom and find that the bedroom is dark except for the moonlight filtering in through the window. For a moment, I think that Eren must have fallen asleep, but then my eyes adjust and I see him sitting at the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands.

“Eren,” I say and his head snaps up, “I'm done in the bathroom.”

He nods and stands and starts to walk to the bathroom before he turns to me.

“What?” I ask and he takes a step forward.

“ _Can you say it again?_ ,” he asks and immediately I know what he is referring to.

I'm hoping that it's dark enough that he doesn't see the faint blush that is definitely beginning to show despite the straight face I'm keeping.

I take a step towards him and take his hands in mine and swallow.

“I love you, Eren,” I say quietly, still a bit awkward and embarrassed.

He closes his eyes and smiles.

“Again,” he breathes and I almost miss it.

“I love you.”

He stills for a moment before he leans forward, sending my mind into overdrive before he only leans his forehead against mine.

“Again.”

“I love you,” I repeat, only breathing the words, before quiet envelopes us.

* * *

 

We don't kiss. Eventually, Eren straightens and smiles at me before he disappears into the bathroom.

We fall asleep with relative ease, Eren not getting up or even shifting away from me in the night. I am shocked when I wake up with him still in my arms.

Since it is the last day we have here on the island before we leave tonight, we decide to take it easy and do whatever we want. I had hoped for a peaceful day, but when Eren catches Jean walking out of him and Mikasa's room in only boxers looking quite satisfied and with some extra bruises on his neck, Eren gets him in a choke hold and drags him outside to throw him into the water before walking inside and locking the door.

“Fuck you, Jaeger! That hurt!” we can hear Jean yelling from outside the door, “Come on, you asshole, let me in! Damn it, and I just took a shower too.”

“Is this normal?” Miguel asks nervously, not sure of whether or not to intervene.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Armin, “Don't worry about them.”

Miguel doesn't look convinced and it isn't until Mikasa wakes up ten minutes later that Jean finally gets to come back inside.

“Thanks for the help,” he says to us and I shrug.

“It's not my sister you're banging so it wasn't my place to help anyone,” I say and Mikasa actually blushes at that.

Eren, on the other hand, looks positively murderous.

I convince Eren to take a walk with me and I bring the camera with us and make sure he has the camera strap around his neck in case he wants to take pictures as well.

He seems almost melancholic and we spend most of the walk without talking. Eventually, I realize that it's up to me to break the silence.

“It was a good week,” I say and he nods in agreement, looking deep in thought.

“I'm...glad I could come here. With you,” I admit to him and he looks up at me with an unreadable expression, “It's just that...at one point, I never thought I would-”

He covers my mouth with his hand and shakes his head. Hesitantly, he removes his hand.

“ _Don't talk like that_ ,” he says, eyes pleading.

I'm baffled. Never before has he rejected any semblance of words of affection from me, but then again, things had changed. It might be painful to hear what I had to say, but Eren thrived off words.

“ _Levi, I want...you to kiss me_ ,” he says and the air leaves my body.

“W-what?” I ask, the barest hints of shock evident in my voice.

He doesn't repeat himself, but just stands there and looks at me, awaiting my decision. I can't walk away, not that I even want to. I won't lie to myself and say that this wasn't something I want or crave. I want to feel his lips and have his hands on my waist. I want to feel like he was never taken and that things are still the same between us. I want to feel like the very first time we kissed, tentative and cautious, but like we had forever to love each other.

So I raise my hands to cup his face and pull him closer to me before I angle my head and close the distance between us.

The feel of his lips against mine is familiar and tender and I never want to stop. Feeling wells up in my chest and I know that this is what is to love someone. For me, it has always been Eren. I want to build a life with him, no matter what kind of life it is, no matter if he can never speak again and I have to fill the silences. I would do all of it because he is my home.

I pull away and look at him. I don't know what to say but before I stutter something out, Eren grins and takes the camera hanging from his neck and turns it on before snapping a picture of me.

“Eren,” I sigh, “Why do you insist on doing that?”

“ _Because it irritates you_ ,” he teases before looking out across the water wistfully.

“We can come back,” I say to him and his face spasms for a second and I recognize the emotion that crossed his face. Pain.

As quickly as it was there, it leaves and he smiles over at me.

“ _I hope so_ ,” he says and while I want to find something strange about what just happened, Eren's smile is telling me that everything is perfect to him right in this moment.

We walk for about a half hour more, Eren snapping pictures the whole time, before we head inside.

We must have been quieter than I thought, because we round the corner to see Annie lying on Armin, her head propped up on his chest and looking up at him.

“I'm just saying that it looks a little red,” she says.

“Yeah, I probably should have put more sunscreen on,” Armin replies, “My skin burns very easily.”

“Especially your cute nose,” she says, “I'm kind of jealous of it.”

“My nose isn't _that_ cute,” Armin protests and Annie pinches him.

“Shut up, yes it is,” she tells him, “It's a cute button nose. Meanwhile, I get stuck with a gross, hooked nose.”

“Shush,” Armin says sharply, “You're beautiful and I happen to love your nose. It's strong, just like the rest of you.”

At that, he leans forward and kisses her on the nose. At the same moment, the is the sound of a camera clicking and I look over to see Eren with his camera raised.

Armin and Annie snap their attention over to us. Armin actually looks embarrassed, but Annie looks angry, despite still having the seemingly same expression on her face.

“Sorry to interrupt,” I say dryly.

Suddenly, Annie is up and approaching Eren with a deadly look in her eye. Eren, to his credit, doesn't back down and only lifts the camera high in the air, Annie too short to reach, although I know she could have him on the ground in point two seconds flat.

“Eren, give me the camera,” she says calmly.

Eren seems to consider it and he leans forward, but instead of giving the camera to the small blonde woman, he licks her on the forehead and darts away as fast as he can.

I have never seen Annie shocked and it's something I hope to see again because her eyes are wide and she looks as if her last brain cell exploded. I can only hope that Eren is making good use of his time while Annie is stunned.

“He...just...” she says before she turns furious, “Motherfucker!”

And with that, she bolts after him.

“I'm not even shocked that happened,” Armin sighs, sitting up, “But I would like a copy of that picture if Annie doesn't delete it.”

“You fucking blondes make me sick,” I say, finding a chair and sitting down in it before mocking Armin, “'You're nose is cuter than my nose'.”

“You say that, but you probably compare Eren's eyes to gemstones and oceans,” Armin retorts and I don't think I remember him ever being this much of a smartass.

* * *

 

We have one last cooked meal on the patio before we have to leave and Rosalita actually seems sad to see us go.

“Such a nice group,” she says wiping her eyes as we load our bags into the boat.

“You are making them feel awkward, _Abuela_ ,” Miguel laughs.

I step away from the group and approach Miguel, holding out an envelope.

“What is this, __Señor__ ?” he asks, brows furrowed in confusion.

“This is to help you and Gilberto,” I say simply, “Use it however you want, but I hope you use it wisely.”

He still looks confused and starts to open it, but I stop him.

“Not until after I leave,” I insist, “And I put my phone number in there too so I expect to hear from you guys when you do use it, alright?”

“ _Si,_ _ _Señor,__ _”_ he says, a bit unsure but he pockets the envelope anyway, and that's good enough for me right now. At least when I'm gone, he can't return it.

Soon enough, we are speeding away from the island, watching it become tinier and tinier as we continue.

“I've got to say,” Jean speaks, “You sure know how to plan a fucking fantastic vacation.”

* * *

 

We don't get back into Shiganshina until about nine hours later. My car had been parked in the airport parking lot in Klova before we drove the half hour home.

I drop Armin and Annie off first, both staying at his house to catch up on some sleep before I drop off Jean at his house and then finally, Eren and Mikasa. I help them take their bags in and when Eren takes a load upstairs, Mikasa stops me.

“I just wanted to say...thanks. For all of this,” she says, “It really meant a lot.”

I nod, acknowledging her statement but frankly, too tired to say anything else.

I tell both of them goodbye, telling Eren I will text him later before I get back in the car and drive home.

I notice there is another car parked on the curb, but I take no notice.

I forgo taking my own bags out, deciding to get it later and I can do more laundry. Right now, the only things on my mind is getting a glass of water and going to bed.

I open the door to the house and close the door behind me, taking off my shoes and making a beeline for the kitchen.

However, the last thing I expected to see was fucking Terry in the kitchen looking inside the fridge in nothing but boxers at five in the morning.

I stand there for a second before my mind goes on autopilot and I go over to the cupboard and get a glass out of it.

“Hey, babe, what are you-” he says as he turns around and freezes when he sees me.

I turn on the cold tap water and fill my glass before turning off the faucet and look over at him.

“Levi!” he says, surprised and mortified, “Laura-I mean, your mother said that you wouldn't be home until tonight.”

I stare at him as I take a long drink. I can see him losing hope that his girlfriend's son would ever like him because I had found out that he was doing my mom.

Ew. Come to think of it, I probably should be kicking his ass.

I sigh instead.

“I'm too tired for this shit,” I say, turning away from him, “I'll kill you later.”

Right now, my own bed is calling my name and not even the fact that my mom has more of sex life than I do will deter me from getting some sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just...holy fuck this was a bitch of a chapter to write and I'm really sorry if it seems rushed, but there was so much I wanted to put in and believe it or not, I did cut down quite a bit of what I actually wrote. I left in some of the most important bits. 
> 
> [This is the song that Levi put on for Eren.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e4Crth_Hb8) I have a feeling that Eren has pretty much anything and everything on his iPod due to the fact that he wouldn't really want to listen to the same songs over an over again.
> 
> And by the way, yes, there is a man who calls himself the Lobster King on the island Caye Caulker. There is also a giant Spongebob there too. 
> 
> So, tell me what you thought of this chapter! :D


	33. Past

Eren and his family went on vacation to some campground hours away, leaving me alone. Nevertheless, Eren and I talked everyday, unlike Petra and I the previous year which made me feel more at ease for some reason.

“It's honestly really boring,” Eren told me on the phone one night, “It used to be a lot more fun when I was younger. But I think we are going to go zip lining tomorrow so that should be fun.”

I was laying on my bed, nothing better to do and listened to him talk until I decided that I could dick around online.

“Hey, you mind if I brush up on my Italian or something?” he asked eventually, “It's been a while and I don't want to lose it.”

“How do you expect to do that?” I asked, “It's not like I can speak anything except English and a few words in Spanish.”

There was a silence before he responded, “How about I tell you what I'm going to say and then you look it up and I'll say it and you can tell me if I'm wrong or right?”

I sighed but agreed.

“You do know that Google translate sucks at translating, right?” I asked him and I can hear him shrug.

“Just try your best,” he said, “Alright, I'm going to say...The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.”

“Really?” I scoffed but typed it in anyway.

I had heard Eren speak in different languages before but it was mostly just a few words at a time and it hadn't occurred to me that he sounded incredibly... _hot._

“How was that?” he asked and I realized I hadn't even been listening to him.

“Um, good,” I said, clearing my throat, “Next one.”

And fuck, I really tried to concentrate because he was trying to learn, but it was as if he was doing this on purpose. I could only imagine him moaning words I didn't understand in the throes of passion and immediately, my dick sprang to the challenge.

“Hey, Levi?” I heard him say after we've been doing this for about half an hour, “You getting bored? I'm sorry, I should have-”

“Eren,” I said, cutting him off, “When you get back, I'm going to fuck you so hard and I don't want you to say anything even remotely English.”

There was silence before I heard him dragging in a breath.

“Shit,” he said and I could hear him moving around and saying something to someone. I waited until I heard him say, “I'm alone now. So, I didn't realize being multilingual was something that turned you on, Levi.”

I didn't like the way he sounded so smug but I said nothing.

“You made me kind of hard when you said that, though,” he continued, “Are you hard too?”

“Shut the fuck up,” I sighed, a little embarrassed.

“ _Vorrei che mi conquistassi_."

And I knew that I was just fighting a losing battle, especially since he spoke in those low, seductive tones.

I let out a shaky sigh.

“Keep going,” I encouraged.

“ _Sai, potrei dire qualunque cosa in questo momento e tu non capiresti la differenza. Vacca verde._ ” he said and damn it all, I started to palm myself through my pants.

“I can't believe we're doing this,” I said.

“ _Ecco cosa succede quando sei arrapato e il tuo ragazzo è a più di duecento miglia di distanza._ ” he responded.

“Eren,” I breathed and I decided to put the phone on speaker. My mom was at work anyway, so there wasn't a chance I would get caught...hopefully.

“ _Cosa c'è, Levi?”_ ” he asked and I wasn't sure what the question was but I answered anyway.

“I want you to touch yourself,” I said boldly, figuring all pretense for trying to be coy was over.

There was a slight hitch in Eren's breath and I knew that I was turning him on just as much as he was turning me on.

“I may not be able to speak a different language, but I want you to touch yourself and think of me,” I told him, “No way in hell am I going to let your filthy mouth make me cum when you won't.”

“ _E' che... non è giusto. Avrei dovuto fare arrapare te e adesso sono io a volere te terribilmente,_ ” he said and I could hear him shifting, “ _Vorrei che tu fossi qui, Levi._ ”

I couldn't help myself anymore, I undid my pants and reached for my hardened cock and brought it out, stroking it slowly, controlling myself.

“You should see how hard I am right now,” I said, “I want to see you riding me. I bet you would look so beautiful. You always have the greatest faces when you cum.”

“ _Anche tu. Fai dei versi fantastici,_ ” he responded, “ _Ti voglio dentro di me in questo momento._ ”

I close my eyes and imagine Eren saying these things to me as he lowers himself on to me, planting his hands on my chest for support. I imagine the look of concentration he would have, not wanting to mess things up, even though I know he wouldn't. I imagine him moaning as my cock slipped inside his warm heat and I groaned, moving my hand faster.

“ _Adoro quando m-mi lasci dei segni,”_ ” he said, stuttering and I could tell that he was touching himself too.

“Just imagine my dick inside you,” I said, eyes still closed, “Or maybe it could be the other way around. I would ride y-you while you would talk to me like that.”

Eren fucking whimpered and that drew a sharp moan from me, imagining him touching himself and trying to be quiet so his family wouldn't hear him.

“ _“Sì. Ma voglio...vederti sotto di me, gemente e supplicante. Un...giorno, se me lo permetterai,_ ” he told me and I could tell from his breathing that he was getting closer to the edge.

“I can only imagine what you are saying right now,” I breath, speeding up my hand and trying to think straight, “You dirty l-little fucker. When you get back, your ass is mine and you won't be able to walk the next day.”

“ _Sì, Levi... per favore. Fammi tuo,_ ” he whined, and I could hear him breathing hard, trying not to make too much noise.

“Shit, Eren, fuck,” I said, feeling heat boil in my groin, knowing that I was about to burst any moment.

“Levi,” I heard Eren whisper and his breathing was becoming sporadic, “ _Sto per venire._ ”

I didn't understand the words, but I knew what he was saying anyway.

“Cum, Eren,” I moaned, “Make a mess of yourself just by thinking of me. Say my name.”

“L-Le...vi,” I heard him whine and then he grunted, trying to keep the sound of him cumming quiet. He kept whispering my name as he orgasmed and that was what brought me to my own peak, not quite as quietly as Eren had. I would make it my personal mission to make sure that he would cum loudly when he got back.

I brought my hand away from my softening dick, looking at the mess I just made on my hand and my shirt.

“Tch, now I'm filthy,” I complained and Eren let out a breathy laugh.

“It's you're own fault,” He said, still breathing heavily.

“I didn't hear you complaining,” I snapped at him.

He only hummed in response before saying, “I have a problem though.”

“What's that?” I said, grabbing some tissues to clean up before I would inevitably take a shower.

“I came everywhere and anything I could clean up with is on the other side of the camper. My family is over there.”

I didn't laugh often, but for some reason, the image of Eren facing his family with a cum covered hand struck me as hilarious, which led to a disgruntled Eren hanging up on me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, okay. Translation time. I did my best to make it accurate, but since I don't speak Italian, I could only rely on the internet.
> 
> [EDIT: I would like to thank user thyandra for giving me the correct translation. You're the best! :D]
> 
> "Vorrei che mi conquistassi" - "I'd like you to make me."  
> “Sai, potrei dire qualunque cosa in questo momento e tu non capiresti la differenza. Vacca verde.” - "You know, I could say anything right now and you would never know the difference. Green cow."   
> “Ecco cosa succede quando sei arrapato e il tuo ragazzo è a più di duecento miglia di distanza.” - "That's what happens when you are horny and your boyfriend is over two hundred miles away."   
> “Cosa c'è, Levi?” - "What is it, Levi?"   
> “E' che... non è giusto. Avrei dovuto fare arrapare te e adesso sono io a volere te terribilmente.” - "That's...not fair. I was supposed to be turning you on and now I want you so bad."   
> “Anche tu. Fai dei versi fantastici” - "So do you. You make the best sounds too."   
> “Adoro quando mi lasci dei segni” - "I love it when you put marks on me."   
> “Sì. Ma voglio vederti sotto di me, gemente e supplicante. Un giorno, se me lo permetterai.” - "Yes. But I want to see you underneath me, moaning and begging. Someday, if you will let me."   
> “Sì, Levi... per favore. Fammi tuo” - "Yes, Levi...please. Make me yours."   
> “Sto per venire.” - "I'm going to cum." 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed yet another filler chapter, but look at that, Levi has a language kink. XD


	34. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take note of tag changes. This chapter may be triggering.

Finding Terry at the house doesn't necessarily upset me, but it does give me a wake up call. I decide that it's best that I finally utilize the house that has been sitting empty for half a year. My house, as weird as that seems to think.

“Honey, if having Terry here is weird for you-” my mom starts to protest when I tell her that I'm going to move.

“No, Mom, it's fine,” I assure her, “It's about damn time I get out of the house and I have my own house now, so why not use it.”

She gives me a tender look and pats my cheek.

“How did you get so damn old?” she asks rhetorically, “I remember when you were born.”

“I should hope so,” I reply and that earns me a hit to the back of the head.

“Don't sass your mother,” she scolds, “Her only baby is leaving the nest.”

“You can always make more,” I reply, rolling my eyes, “And I'm not going to be that far. I'll still be in town.”

“Make...more...” she trails off and I should have figured that would be the only thing she would latch onto.

“I'm not babysitting,” I say before I leave the room. Great, now my mom had the idea of more children in her head. It might literally kill me if there were more fairy children running around.

I tell Eren that I had decided to move. Granted, it's only a day after we had our vacation, so it is pretty sudden, but he understands immediately when I tell him what happened the previous night.

I go back to work the next day and both Isabel and Farlan are thrilled to see me.

“How much has Nile fucked up since I've been gone?” I ask jokingly, but they both go quiet.

“What?” I ask.

“We aren't supposed to say anything until Pixis talks to you,” Isabel states.

Well, that isn't cryptic or suspicious.

“Izzy!” Farlan scolds and she shrugs.

“Okay then,” I sigh and sit down at my desk, “I better get to work then. By the way, why are all three of us here today? Usually there are only two people on Wednesday.”

“Because...we've been really busy,” Isabel lies and I roll my eyes.

“Okay, got it. Can't say anything,” I say and they both looked relieved, “I'm not getting fired, am I?”

I really like this job and it would fucking suck if I am. The pay is really good and I get partial benefits too. Pixis is a fair boss and despite Nile being a cum stain on Perez Hilton's saggy asshole, I doubt I could find better people to work with.

“No, no,” Farlan assured and I relaxed, “Are you kidding? You're stuck with us forever.”

And there really wasn't any other way I would have it.

I get to work, Farlan telling me about the stereo I was supposed to be repairing.

Around noon, Pixis enters the shop.

“Hello, Levi,” he greets with a smile, “Enjoy your vacation?”

“Uh...yeah,” I answer, still not sure what he wants to talk to me about.

He looks over my desk and his mustache twitches.

“Good,” he responds, “When you are done with what you are doing, I would like to see you in my office.”

I can't help but feel like a child being sent the the principal's office.

Soon enough, I'm sitting in a chair in front of Pixis' desk.

“Don't look so uncomfortable, Levi,” Pixis chuckles.

“It would help if everyone would stop being so cryptic about what the hell is going on,” I say and Pixis only seems amused.

“Then I will get straight to the point,” he says, “Nile has put in his two weeks notice. He, ah, found another job that he seemed to...appreciate more.”

“Thank fuck,” I say under my breath but then ask, “Where is he going?”

“He apparently got a job offer at Best Buy,” he answers.

Fucking Best Buy.

“So...why are you telling me this? And why was it a secret?” I ask, “Do you have anyone you've hired for a new manager yet?”

“That's actually what I would like to speak to you about,” he says, “I would like you to become the manager of Recon Electronics.”

A beat passes. Then another.

“Wait, what?” I ask blankly, “Me?”

“Yes, provided that you would go to school to get your degree, of course. I've already spoken to Farlan and Isabel, and they agree that you would be the best choice.”

“But they were here a year before I was!” I object, “They would be more qualified. And why not hire someone with a degree?”

“Are you saying that you _don't_ want the job?” Pixis asks and I fall silent at that.

As a rule, I had always left my future open. I never knew what I wanted to do, so now, presented with an opportunity to get a little bit farther in the world, it's a bit overwhelming for me.

“Recon Electronics would pay for your schooling, of course,” Pixis tells me when I don't say anything, “And as to why I chose you...well, I see potential in you, Levi. You are adept at your job and even Nile recommended that you should be given a chance.”

It surprises me that Nile would praise me for anything. He might have been a terrible manager, but maybe he wasn't such a terrible person.

I rub my face with my hand.

“This is a lot to take in,” I say, “Do I have to answer now?”

“Of course not, but I would like you to take the rest of today off,” he says.

“What? I just got back from vacation!” I protest.

“I know, but I would like you to think about it today and tomorrow. Nile is leaving soon and I would like him to train you as soon as possible,” Pixis says before he adds, “If you choose to accept the job.”

I sigh and nod.

“Alright,” I tell him, “You will have my answer by Friday.

“Thank you, Levi,” he responds, “You are free to go.”

I leave his office and suddenly, the reason that three of us were scheduled dawns on me. He had been planning to let me take the rest of the day off from the start.

“I think it would be a good idea for you to take the job,” Farlan says as I gather my things, “You would one hundred times better than Nile ever was.”

“It would be fun!” Isabel adds.

“Because that's why we come to work,” I say dryly, “We'll have to see. See you guys on Friday.”

I have nothing better to do and going home means I have to pack. Despite knowing it's time to move, I was procrastinating on my least favorite part. The actual moving part.

So instead, I decide to visit Eren instead, knowing he would be home alone since both Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger were at work and Mikasa would be at school until five.

However, it seems I am proven wrong about the latter fact when I walk in the house, using the spare key I was given, and Mikasa is in the kitchen, looking for something to eat.

“Thought you would be at school,” I say.

“Class was canceled and my next class isn't until three-thirty so I thought I would come home for some lunch,” she responds, “Thought you would be at work.”

“Got offered a promotion and was sent home to think about it,” I tell her.

“Congrats,” she offers with a raised eyebrow, “You going to take it?”

“Don't know yet,” I answer honestly.

“It would be stupid of you not to,” she says, “I think you would be a good boss.”

Her compliments towards me are few and far in between, so I take it with gratitude.

“Where's Eren?” I ask.

“He texted me this morning saying he wasn't feeling good so he was going to rest,” she tells me, “I was just going to wake him up to see if he wanted anything to eat.”

“I'll do it,” I offer and she shrugs.

“Tell him I'm making macaroni and cheese but I can make him some chicken soup if he wants,” she calls after me as I leave to go up the stairs.

I lightly knock on Eren's door before I enter and see him still curled underneath his blankets.

“Hey, Bright Eyes,” I say, crossing the room, “I hear you aren't feeling well.”

He doesn't respond and I approach the bed. I can't see his face because it is covered up with a blanket, but his long hair is strewn every which way.

“Come on, wake up,” I say a bit louder, “Mikasa wants to know if you want some mac and cheese.”

He still doesn't respond and now I am sure he is just ignoring me and pretending to sleep.

I put my knee on the bed and lean forward to shake him.

“Oi, Eren,” I say sharply, “Food. You want any?”

But when I shake him, something immediately feels off. He doesn't have the stiffness of someone who is awake and trying to pretend to be asleep and he doesn't wake up from my shaking when he is normally a lighter sleeper than I am.

“Eren...?” I say uncertainly and I peel the covers off of him.

The breath is sucked from me and I barely register the vomit on the pillow next to his mouth. I barely register the two empty pill bottles next to his hand as well as some stray pills that must have spilled. I barely register myself screaming for Mikasa. 

What I do know is that I take out my phone immediately and call for an ambulance or the police or something. I am shaking and I back away, nearly tripping over my feet. Mikasa is up in the room in a flash and she comprehends the scene in a second.

“No!” she screams, going straight to Eren, cradling his head, “Eren, no!”

My mind is a mess. I can't think. I can't-

“Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?” a voice, female, speaks.

“I-there's-I can't-”

“Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down and explain what is happening,” the woman says, and it's fucking easy for her to say. 

Then, I realize that I have to be calm. If Eren is going to survive this, I have to keep my head on straight. Mikasa is hysterical, so I have to be the one that's composed.

“I'm on 143 West Village Drive and I need an ambulance immediately,” I say in a voice that sounds a lot more calm than I really am, “My boyfriend just overdosed on his medication.”

I pull the phone away for a second and tell Mikasa, “Try and make him vomit.”

It takes her a second to fully understand and I can see tears streaming down her face as she holds her brother, but she does as I instruct and shoves her fingers down his throat. 

“Sir? Sir!” I hear the woman yelling and I return my attention to her.

“Yes, sorry. I was telling his sister to try and make him vomit,” I inform her.

“That's good, sir. Now, is he conscious?”

I hear a weak gagging sound and look over to see Eren jerking but his eyes are still closed. Mikasa withdraws her finger just in time. Eren pukes up a little, but no more comes out.

“No,” I answer the woman.

“Alright, is he breathing?” she asks.

“He was just choking,” I tell her, “But he isn't anymore. Right now I think he is.”

“Can you tell me what medications he took?”

I cross the room and Mikasa has climbed onto the bed and placed Eren's head on her folded legs. I take the two bottles and look at them.

“Xanax and Zoloft,” I say.

“And do you know how many he took?” she asks.

I snap.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know that?” I ask, “I wasn't fucking there when he downed the bottles.”

“Sir, I only meant, how full were the bottles when he took them and are there any left?” 

To her credit, she remained unwavering, but my resolve was slowly cracking.

“Mikasa,” I say, my voice breaking, “When was the last time he got his prescriptions filled?”

“Yesterday,” she whispers, stroking Eren's hair, still crying and helpless. 

That's all we were in this situation. Fucking helpless and useless.

“He took almost all of them. There are a few on the bed,” I say, “I can't lose him. Not again. Please, how soon are they going to be here?”

“They are on route right now, sir,” she answers, “Just take deep breaths.”

“You don't understand!” I shout but then I take a deep breath, “I-I can't. He was getting better. This isn't...this isn't supposed to happen!”

“I know,” she says quietly, “I know, sir.”

“What do I do?” I ask desperately, “What can I do?” 

I turn away from Eren. I want to cry, but I haven't been able to ever since he was taken from us the first time. That time, it was against his will. Now we were losing him to himself.

“The paramedics should be there any moment,” she assures me, “Now, did you-”

“LEVI!” Mikasa's voice tears through me. I've never heard her sound this pained. Not since the night that Eren didn't come home.

I whip around to look at her and she is leaning over Eren but looking at me with wild eyes.

“Levi, he stopped breathing.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been planned from the beginning but I had been debating on whether or not to post it or change it, but in the end, I decided that it would be better for Levi's journey if things happened this way.
> 
> If any of you are feeling suicidal or just need to talk, please look into 24/7 websites such as [The Trevor Project](http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) or [IMAlive.org](https://www.imalive.org/). These are great resources and I highly encourage making use of them.
> 
> Also, you can always talk to me at [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com). I may not be available 24/7, but I am always willing to listen and talk if need be. 
> 
> You guys are the greatest and I love you all.


	35. Past

“What do you think about death?”

I looked down at Eren who had his head propped up on my bare chest. We were still slightly sweaty and had been laying in post-coital silence as we enjoyed each other's company.

“That's fucking morbid for pillow talk,” I said.

“Well, I was just thinking of it,” Eren said quietly, “This is your last year in high school and then you will be going to college-”

“I'm graduating, not fucking dying. God,” I rolled my eyes.

“No, I know,” Eren defended himself, “It's just...after this year, you'll be gone.”

I shifted so I was half sitting up against the headboard of Eren's bed, Eren still laying his head on my chest.

“I'm not going to leave you, Eren,” I said. I always had to remember to make a conscious effort to speak to him about things, even though it didn't always come naturally, “It's not going to be the end for us.”

“Yeah, but high school relationships hardly ever last,” he protested, “What if-”

“Eren, shut up,” I said, “I'm far too in love with you to let you go that easily. I don't think anything could make me want to leave you.”

It was a cheesy thing to say, but it seemed to do the trick. Eren laid thoughtfully for a few minutes before he said, “You didn't answer my question.”

“About death?” I asked and he nodded, “Well, fuck, Bright Eyes, that's a pretty broad question.”

“What do you think happens after life?” he prompted.

I shrug.

“Who knows. Heaven maybe,” I answered him.

“You believe in Heaven?”

“Why not?” I asked, “Couldn't hurt and it's comforting to think that there is something better after this life.”

“I don't think there's anything,” Eren declared, “We only get one chance.”

“Really? No reincarnation? Nothing?” I asked him.

“Nah,” he shrugged, “No seventy-two virgins. No reincarnation. No Heaven or Hell. No God. All that seems like it's made up to make people feel better about their lives.”

I hummed but didn't say anything.

“Not that I'm shitting on your belief or anything,” he said quickly, “That's just how I feel.”

“I always thought it was pretty depressing to think like that,” I said honestly, “I think there is a God. Or something like that. Maybe not a tangible presence, but someone that controls the flow of things.”

“If that were true, why do all the shitty things happen? Isn't God supposed to be fair and just and loving and all that?” Eren challenged.

“Well, that's the thing,” I said, “There is good and bad. If God is the good, then there has to be a counterpart that is the evil. If there is a God, I don't think he _let_ s bad things happen. Just like good and evil are balanced, so is God and the devil, or Lucifer or Satan or whatever you want to call it. For instance, some people think that the 'God' entity is more powerful than the 'Devil' entity, but I think that's wrong. I think they would be equal.”  
Eren is silent for a few moments.

“You didn't strike me as a religious type,” he said finally.

“I'm not,” I answered honestly, “I just wouldn't rule out the possibility that there might be forces out there beyond our understanding.”

“I think it's a testament to humanity as to how far we've come without the help of some unseen being,” Eren said, “I think it's amazing that humans have developed this far without help. There isn't any set proof of a god, so why delude ourselves with anything that isn't fact?”

I chuckled.

“You sound like Erwin,” I said, “He made the mistake of saying that to Hanji once. As you know, Hanji thoroughly believes in the existence of a tangible God. I don't think those two talked for weeks after that.”

“I can't imagine the two of them fighting,” Eren admitted.

“Hanji gets very...defensive about her faith,” I said, “Erwin, like you, tends to base things off of fact and religion isn't necessarily fact for him.”

“What about you?” Eren asked.

“Like I said, I wouldn't rule out the existence of anything,” I said, “Allah, Zeus, God, Jesus. Anybody could be right. Anybody could be wrong. But I think I am more comforted in the fact that someone is there, overseeing the good and someone is there, overseeing the evil. Why not? It would mean that humans aren't entirely responsible for fucking up.”

“Maybe...” Eren said, but he didn't sound convinced at all, “Agree to disagree?”

“Sure,” I said, smiling slightly. I never expected to change his opinion, but it was nice to hear what he thought.

“I have to say,” I added, “I always thought you were a bit more idealistic than that. You never struck me as a 'solid proof' kind of person.”

Eren drew small circles with his finger on my chest before he answered.

“Solid proof...” he mused, “Maybe not that, but searching for the truth and finding it, you know? Don't believe anything unless you have fact to back it up with.”

“What if one believes something is fact and another person doesn't,” I asked him and he groaned.

“Damn, Levi, I don't know,” he said, rolling over to his back beside me, “I just wanted to know what you thought about death.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Death is a sweet release for those who experience it and it fucking sucks for those left behind,” I answered him.

He glanced over at me curiously.

“Sweet release? That's a weird way of putting it,” he told me, “Sounds...dark.”

“All I meant was that it's easy for the people who die,” I said, “It's over for them. Done. The people who suffer after someone dies are the people that loved them.”

“I suppose you are right,” Eren said hesitantly, “But there is a reason that it is human nature that people fight to survive. If you die, you can't fight to make the world a better place or even see the world anymore.”

I took his words into account and looked over at him.

“Are you afraid to die?”

“Of course I'm afraid to die,” he answered, “I'm too young to die.”

“Everyone is too young to die but they do it anyway,” I said.

We don't say anything for a couple of minutes before Eren said, “You want to know why I really started learning all these languages?”

I looked over at him, seeing his face turn serious.

“Why?” I asked.

He sighed.

“I want to see the world,” he said simply, “I don't want to be cooped up in the same town forever. There are people who never leave this town and it scares me that I will become one of them. I figured...it would be easier if I could become a translator and then I could go places and translate for people.”

“You know,” I started, “There are easier ways of seeing the world than learning a shit ton of languages.”

He looked a bit put off by that.

“Yeah, but I want to understand the people too,” he insisted, “I want to know what its like to live in their culture and be able to understand their words. I want to see everything, Levi, and I want to understand it. I'm terrified that I will die before I experience the world and just how free and huge it is.”

He looked so damn excited that I had to smile to myself.

“Armin and I have always wanted to see the ocean together,” Eren said, “He wants to be an oceanographer. He loves the ocean but he's never gotten to see it. I want to see the ocean, the deserts, the mountains. I want to go everywhere. I can't imagine myself staying in this town.”

I hummed but only ran my fingers through his hair.

“What do you want, Levi?” he asked me, closing his eyes slightly at the feeling of me caressing his chocolate locks.

“That all sounds nice,” I said, “I love the idea of having the freedom to do that. I want freedom, but at the end of the day, I want a place to come home to. Shiganshina...wouldn't be a bad place to come home to.”

“Home is where the heart is,” Eren insisted.

“Then,” I said, knowing I was going to regret saying something so cliché, “I guess that as long as we are together, I'll be alright.”

Eren started to turn red, but before he could respond, the front door opened downstairs.

“Shit, my parents are home,” he said, jumping up, “We need to get dressed!”

I begrudgingly sit up and watch him cover up his naked body, eyeing it appreciatively.

“Stop watching me, you perv, and get dressed!” he said, throwing my shirt at me, “My dad might actually kill you if he finds you in here like that.”

“At least I would have died for something worthwhile,” I teased as I put my shirt back on, “Put on my gravestone, 'Died for getting sweet Jaeger ass'.”

“I'll keep that in mind,” Eren said, trying not to laugh, “My ass and I would remember you fondly.”

“You damn well better,” I said sternly, “Or I will haunt your ass.”

“I have a feeling you would do that either way,” he told me and I had to admit, he had a point.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I have a feeling that no matter what I wrote, it would have ended up feeling heavy either way due to the nature of the last chapter, but this chapter was important. 
> 
> I'm so sorry about all this depressing stuff. :3 Please forgive me! 
> 
> And some of the comments that you guys have been leaving me have really made my day! Thank you so much!
> 
> Seriously, if you guys have any questions (about the story or otherwise) just talk to me at [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com). I track the tag 'fic:ltw'.


	36. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, notes first this time.
> 
> 1) Look at this [FANTASTIC FANART](http://nikooki.tumblr.com/post/95094020449/for-louder-than-words-by-obsessionwithfiction-an) that [nikooki](http://nikooki.tumblr.com/) did for this fic. I'm just freaking out because it's perfect and I can't get over platypus Levi.
> 
> 2) It was indirectly pointed out that I had put 'Suicide' as a tag instead of 'Suicide Attempt' and I should have done that, so I apologize.
> 
> 3) You guys are the greatest and you've been so patient with everything and I promise that ALL your questions will be answered by the end of the fic.
> 
> Now, go ahead and read on!

My mom told me once that there are moments in your life that make time stop for a second because you are so overcome with fear that things slow down.

“You won't be like me,” she had said at the time, “I froze. But you will fight and know exactly what to do.”

My mom was wrong, because now, I am standing here with the phone in my hand looking at Eren and I can't breath. My mind is blank and I'm not even sure how to process words anymore.

Eren isn't breathing. This is how it ends for him. For us. I didn't find him in time and now he is dead in his sister's arms on a bed with vomit on it.

“Levi!” Mikasa screams again and I jolt.

No, I won't let Eren end it this way. Fuck death, he wasn't dying today.

My body springs into action.

“Get off the bed,” I snap as I come to the bed.

Mikasa doesn't even hesitate and I shove the phone into her hand and flip Eren onto his back and straightened him out.

Simple tasks come to my brain as I remember what I learned.

Use fingers to clean out excess vomit. Tilt chin upwards to clear the airway. Place hand on the breastbone with the other hand on top before interlocking the fingers slightly. Position body over your hands. Thirty compressions pressed two inches down with a fast pace.

I do all this, a huff of air leaving me as I do each compression.

“N-no, he's doing CPR on him,” Mikasa says and I know that she is still talking to the nine-one-one operator.

Thirty compressions. Two rescue breaths. Repeat.

My mind is on autopilot and I know that this is all I can do. Try to keep Eren alive even though he's stopped breathing. I vaguely recall that after three minutes, someone coming back is pretty much impossible, but if I know anything about Eren, it's that he always manages to do the impossible.

Thirty compressions. Two rescue breaths. Repeat.

Mikasa leaves the room running, but I don't pay attention.

“Come on, you asshole,” I spit, “Don't you fucking leave me now.”

Eren still isn't breathing and I'm starting to panic. I can't lose him like this. That is the only thought running through my mind. I might never be able to recover if he's gone.

Thirty compressions. Two rescue breaths. Repeat.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder and I snarl.

“Fuck off,” I growl.

“Son, we got it from here,” a man says and I feel someone pulling me away from Eren.

I start to struggle, but I see a paramedic take my place, putting patches onto Eren's chest.

“W-what are you doing?” I ask.

“Trying to shock his heart into beating,” he answers shortly before he takes shock paddles from his partner.

I barely hear anything else before he shouts, “Clear!”

Eren jolts on the bed and suddenly I hear a wonderful beeping noise.

“We have a pulse!” the other paramedic says and she brings a stretcher closer to the bed.

A pulse. They have a pulse. Eren's heart is beating once more.

They load him onto the stretcher, his limp body being strapped down before they wheel him out of the room.

Mikasa follows after but I take one last look into the room before grabbing the earphones that had been in Eren's ears before I had found him.

Downstairs, they put Eren in the back of the ambulance. They don't even question if we are family or not, both paramedics let Mikasa and I into the back as well before they shut the door. Soon enough, the siren is going and we are speeding towards the hospital.

Eren's heart stops again on the way there and Mikasa grips my hand unconsciously, her eyes never leaving her brother.

Everything is clear and blurry at the same time. I can see the fraying edges on the one paramedic's collar. I notice that the other one smells like honey. I can feel every callous on Mikasa's hand.

But I don't know how many times it takes the first responders to shock Eren's heart into starting again. I don't know if I'm spoken to. I don't know how long it takes to get to the hospital but I feel like it's too long.

Before I know it, the doors are being opened and Eren is being hauled out, Mikasa and I following. Doctors and interns are already wheeling Eren into the hospital away from us and we follow them in.

I realize that we are at the hospital that Eren's dad works at. This is going to fucking suck when he finds out.

“Male, nineteen, overdose on Alprazolam and Sertraline,” someone is saying to the doctors that are carting him into the hospital.

“How long ago?” one of the doctors asks.

They push through swinging doors and Mikasa and I go to follow but we are stopped.

“Let me go, fucker!” I say, trying to struggle out of the grip of the orderly holding me back.  
“Sir, ma'am, you can't go any farther than this point,” he informs us and I stop struggling to watch the doors swing shut, watching as Eren is wheeled away from us before my vision is blocked.

“He's my brother!” Mikasa argues, “He needs me!”

“What your brother needs is medical care,” he insists, “I know this is a difficult time for the both of you, but there is really nothing left you can do.”

He releases us and I can only stand there watching the doors as if I could burn a hole in them.

“Please...sit,” he tells us, gesturing towards the emergency room waiting room, “I'm sure they will come and tell you something as soon as they can.”

It takes a moment for either Mikasa or I to move, but I go and sit down first, holding Eren's iPod tightly. I look at it, thinking that I had planned to put the earphones on Eren, but there hadn't been an opportunity to do so. They probably would have taken them out anyway.

I see that a song is on repeat by My Chemical Romance. I never listened to the band much as I mostly listened to whatever was on the radio, but I had heard a few of their songs.

However, when I put one of the earbuds in, I'm not prepared for the song Eren had on repeat. I listen and bow my head, take off my glasses, and put my hand over my eyes, clenching my teeth in pain.

“What song is it?” Mikasa asks blankly and she doesn't even sound surprised. Just dead.

I hand her the iPod without looking at her and tear out the earbud, not being able to take it anymore.

“The Light Behind Your Eyes...” she whispers as she holds onto the small device with shaking hands.

She pulls her feet up onto the chair, hugging her legs close to her body and hiding her face in them. I can hear quiet sniffles coming from her, but I don't know how to comfort her.

Slowly, I raise my hand and place it on her head. I don't do anything else and she doesn't move. We just sit there, lost and in pain.

I don't know how long it is before we hear a familiar voice.

“Mikasa! Levi!”

I look up to see Carla rushing in towards us, terrified and worried.

“Mom,” Mikasa says in a broken voice but she doesn't stand up.

Instead, Carla falls to her knees in front of Mikasa.

“What happened? I got a call saying that I was Eren's emergency contact and that he was rushed to the hospital but they wouldn't tell me why,” she says frantically.

Neither of us speak for a moment before I realize that Mikasa probably isn't going to talk.

“Eren tried to commit suicide,” I say blankly and I can tell that Mrs. Jaeger's world is crumbling beneath her. I know because I'm feeling the same way.

“What?” she breathes, disbelieving, tears starting to form in her eyes.

“I got off work early,” I said, trying to keep my voice strong and I could hear how dead it sounded, “Mikasa was home too because her class was canceled. I-I found him.”

I don't say anything else and the woman looks down before she heaves herself up.

“Grisha needs to know,” she says and she walks over to the reception desk. Mikasa and I can only watch. 

Soon enough, the woman behind the desk picks up the phone and we can hear over the loudspeaker, “Doctor Jaeger, please report immediately to the ER reception. Doctor Jaeger to the ER.”

“Armin should know,” Mikasa says in a dull voice as her mother starts to approach us. Mrs. Jaeger looks so very old suddenly. Much older than she should.

I wait for Mikasa to make a move, but she only turns her head to look at me.

“I left my phone at home,” she tells me.

I pull mine out, knowing I have Armin's number and hand it to her. I'm normally protective of my phone, but at this point, I couldn't care less. Let her snoop through my messages if she wants to, but in this situation, I don't think she does.

My phone is returned soon enough to me and there are three of us, sitting and waiting.

Mr. Jaeger sweeps into the room, not even noticing us at first and heading for the reception desk.

“Grisha,” Carla calls out and despite the soft tone of voice she used, he hears it.

His face goes sheet white as he comes over to us.

“Where's Eren, Carla?” he asks, “Don't tell me...”

Mrs. Jaeger bursts into tears and I can't take it anymore. I snatch the iPod from Mikasa's hands and stand, walking away from them and going outside. I lean against the wall, sliding down it until I'm on my ass.

I don't think as I put the headphones in and turn it from that fucking song. Anything else.

I almost expected something to match the stormy aura that has surrounded me, but instead it's fucking Hanson that starts playing, but I don't change it. I just listen until it shuffles to another song that I don't even know.

I know that the Jaeger's probably think I bailed, but I couldn't handle it inside the hospital. I feel like I am breaking apart in so many new ways. I thought I had patched myself up; I never thought that it would be this much easier to break again.

If Eren died, I don't know what I would do. I couldn't handle watching his body be put into the ground. He was the one I devoted all my love to and if he was gone, I don't know how I could live. Realistically speaking, I know I could and I know that I would have to, but I wouldn't want to. 

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

“Levi?”

I look up and see Armin crouching in front of me.

“What?” I ask and I hate how wrecked my voice sounds.

“I got the text,” he tells me, “Eren isn't...he didn't-”

“Eren's alive as far as I know,” I say, “I had to...step out for a bit.”

Armin nods. The thing about Armin is that he is a boy who was made strong by hardship. Most people are, but Eren's disappearance had a strange effect on him. He was always an emotional person, but after Eren left, it seemed as if he became a person who didn't let his emotions control him. Unlike most people, he could compartmentalize his feelings and do the task at hand, but he would most certainly suffer later.

“You're shaking,” I say and Armin looks down at himself.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, “This is just...Eren is my best friend. I should have known this would happen. I should have seen this coming.”

“Don't be so hard on yourself,” I tell him, “Nobody could have stopped this.”

But even as I say that, I am blaming myself as well. I should have known from the way Eren acted on vacation. Maybe he had been planning this out. Or maybe it was spur of the moment. I don't know what would have been worse.

Armin stands.

“I'm going in,” he tells me, giving me the opportunity to come along.

I decide to take it and stand up as well, taking out the headphones and pausing the music.

When we go back, Mikasa still has her knees pulled up against her, only this time, her chin is resting on them and she is staring off in the distance. Mrs. Jaeger has her face in her husband's shoulder and the man looks as if he is just barely holding back tears.

Armin and I sit down and we are barely acknowledged. We are all just waiting for news to come.

An hour passes. Than another. There is still no word as to the condition of Eren and we are all getting even more worried.

Grisha briefly explains that they have to pump his stomach and flush his system out, but I barely hear the words. I have a feeling that he knows a lot more about what is happening than he is letting on, but I don't blame him for keeping it from us. He probably wants to hope for the best.

Nothing happens until I hear a familiar voice.

“Mikasa!”

Mikasa snaps out of her daze and her eyes lock with her boyfriend.

“Jean,” she sighs in relief and he runs over to her, sweeping her in his arms.

I wrongly assume that Mikasa is going to cry. It seems like she is all out of tears and clings to Jean like he is the last thing she has to hold onto.

“Thank you for coming,” Grisha says, “How did you know?”

“Armin texted me,” Jean replies, pulling away from Mikasa, “I hitched a ride with Erwin. We got here as fast as we could.”

“Erwin is here?” I ask and some small part of me is relieved. 

“Yeah, he's parking the car,” Jean says solemnly. He sits in a seat that is across from Mikasa and to his surprise, she moves out of her own chair and curls up on his lap.

He wraps his arms around her and its almost too painful to watch. They have each other to cling to while it's my Eren that is being torn away from me.

Someone sits next to me and I see that it is Erwin. He doesn't say anything, for which I am grateful. We just sit there in silence, waiting.

Erwin's presence is comforting. We have been friends all our lives and just him coming all this way is enough for me.

“Thank you,” I say quietly.

“Of course,” he answers and we don't say anything else.

Mrs. Jaeger's phone starts ringing and she answers it hollowly.

“Hello?”

There is a couple beats of quiet before she chokes up.

“Ah, I-I'm sorry, Rico,” she says, “But Eren was admitted to the hospital today.”

I recognize the name Rico and realize that it is his therapist. He missed his session today and she must be calling to see if everything is alright.

“No, he's not,” Carla continues, “But I'll let you know if...if-”

It's at this point that her husband takes the phone and quietly talks, explaining the situation. I wonder if she saw this coming. I wonder if she will even be affected by this. It's a cruel thought, but I can't imagine that this is the first time a patient of hers has done this.

It's another hour before a doctor comes up to us.

“Um, Doctor Jaeger?” she says uncertainly.

“What is it, Nifa?” he asks, looking very tired.

“I have some news about your son,” she tells him and suddenly, we are all listening.

She looks over at all of us.

“Er, do you want-”

“It's alright, Nifa,” Grisha assures, “You can tell all of us.”

She sucks in a breath through her nose before she looks at the clipboard in her hand.

“We had to resuscitate once more once we got him into the hospital. We pumped his stomach and used activated charcoal and we also tried to flush out his system with anti-drugs,” she informs us, “As of right now, we have him stabilized, but there is nothing more we can do at this point. If he survives tonight, there is a good chance he will live. However, there is no way to tell if he will wake up anytime soon. The dosage he took was high and the amount of pill he took didn't do him any favors. It's simply too soon to know. There is also a chance that if he does wake up, he could suffer for severe brain damage. There is no way of telling until he wakes up, but going off what he took and how much, it is a distinct possibility.”

There is something about having the truth delivered to you in such a manner. The fact that he might not wake up or even survive the night scares me beyond belief. I lean my head back on the back of the chair and close my eyes.

“Can we see him?” I hear Mikasa ask, “Please?”

“Yes, but only family,” I hear the doctor, Nifa, answer, “You are allowed to stay the night if you so wish since...”

“Since there is no guarantee he will live,” Mr. Jaeger finishes for her.

I snap my head up and open my eyes.

“He will!” I practically shout and everyone looks at me, shocked, “Don't fucking say it like that. Eren is going to live. He's stubborn like that. He's going to live. He will.”

Nobody corrects me but nobody disagrees with me and that's all that matters. 

Doctor Nifa shifts before she says, “If the family wants to come with me, I will show you to Eren's room.”

Mikasa is the first up, followed by her parents. It kills me that I can't go with them and I can only watch as they leave with the doctor.

It's a few moments before Jean speaks up.

“So, what now?” he asks in a voice that is too abrasive for my liking.

“I'm staying,” Armin answers.

I nod my agreement and look over to see what Erwin decides.

“I'm going to get you all something to eat and drink then,” he says before he stands, squeezing my shoulder before he leaves.

Jean keeps running his hand through his hair agitatedly before he mutters, “That bastard.”

Instantly, my eyes are on him.

“What?” I growl.

To his credit, he meets my glare unwaveringly.

“Don't look at me like that,” he snaps, “I know you've had a long day, but Eren's an idiot.”

I'm tempted to fucking punch the asshole in the face, but Armin cuts in first.

“Jean, that's a little harsh, don't you think?” he says.

“You know what's harsh, Armin,” Jean says, “Having your best friend and your girlfriend's brother disappear. Trying to cope with that fact for six fucking months and then finding out that your best friend was mutilated and tortured before he died. Having your girlfriend trying to cope with having her brother back but watching him slowly sinking before he goes and pulls this shit without any regard to anybody else.”

“Jean, Eren is-” Armin stops, but I interrupt him.

“You fucker,” I spit, standing, “You have no idea what he went through. You think it was hard for you, just imagine having to be there when all that shit happened. You have no idea what he is thinking.”

“And neither do you, Levi!” Jean retorts, standing as well, unfortunately towering over me but I don't lose any ground, “When was the last time he talked to you about how he feels? He doesn't! Instead, he forgets that he has people around him willing to help him and listen and he decides to solve it himself.”

“Jean, Levi,” Armin interrupts, “Calm down!”

“He's throwing something away,” Jean continues, “He's throwing away the second chance that Marco never got. That Mina or Franz or Thomas or Daz or even Miss Langer never got. And fuck, he's my friend too and I'm damn well allowed to be angry about this!”

I don't have anything to say. Jean stares at me for a second longer before he stomps away, muttering something about taking a walk.

I stand there, thinking over what Jean had just said.

“He didn't mean it like that, Levi,” Armin says, “He's just hurting and-”

“I understand,” I say, sitting down and ignoring the glares that other people have been giving me, “It's alright, Armin. I'm not mad at him.”

Armin seems relieved and I think the kid is way to concerned about the rest of us.

Erwin comes back and wonders where Jean went and I only tell him that he went to clear his head.

Jean comes back eventually and accepts the food that Erwin offers him, not saying a word.

Around six o'clock, Annie appears with blankets and pillows as well as cards.

“Armin texted me and said you guys are staying the night,” she explains blankly and it's one of the times that I have a hard time figuring out if she is affected at all, but I know she must be. Eren is her friend too.

“Thank you, Annie,” Erwin says gratefully and I realize that he probably never even considered leaving me here alone. If I had chosen to go home, he would have left with me.

We all start to play a game of poker before we play Black Jack. We go from that to Hearts to Rummy. Eventually, we get tired cards and we find different ways of entertaining ourselves. I pull out my phone only to see it's dead and settle for watching the TV, seeing it was set on some Law & Order episode.

At ten, someone that should be on the other side of the country walks through the doors.

“Hanji?” Erwin says, just as surprised as me.

“We'll, don't you all look cozy,” she jokes softly, “Never thought that the next time I'd see you guys we would be camping out in the hospital.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask her, “What about your classes and shit? How did you get here?”

Hanji plops in the chair next to me before she slings an arm around me, pulling me towards her, stroking my hair gently.

“Armin texted me to let me know what was up,” she answers.

“I didn't think you would take a plane to get here,” Armin says defensively, “I just thought it would be good for you to know.”

“It was,” she assures him, “But anyway, I talked to my professors and they all agreed to let me finish online. Once that was sorted out, I hopped on the first plane I could to get here.”

I don't understand her.

“Why?” I ask and she pulls me away from her.

“The same reason Erwin is here,” she says, “Because if we weren't here, you would become all mopey and close yourself off. Plus, Eren is our friend too.”

I look over at Erwin and see that he is watching Hanji and I.

“Unfortunately, unlike Hanji, I have to go back to Trost in a couple of days, but I'm still close enough if you need me,” he says and I at those words, I know I couldn't have asked for better friends.

Annie provides Hanji with a blanket as well and soon midnight comes and for the first time all day, we are alone in the waiting room.

Doctor Nifa surprises us by showing up with coffee and donuts.

“How is he?” I ask earnestly.

“Last time I checked, he was much the same,” she tells us and that both relieves me and worries me, “So far, it's looking as if he might pull through, but we can never be too confident. He still has quite a bit of drugs in his system.”

I nod, and we all thank her for the caffeine and food.

I can easily say that this is the longest night of my life. Then again, I had said the same thing the night Eren disappeared and the night he was in the hospital after he was found. Only that time, I had been allowed in the room.

I doze off around three in the morning and before I know it, I'm being shaken awake and I find that I was leaning against Erwin. I see that it's light outside once more.

It's Mrs. Jaeger that comes out and sees us, looking tired as hell and pale.

I feel my heart beating faster in anxiety, not being able to tell anything from her expression.

“Eren made it through the night,” she tells us, “And the doctors say that its a good sign that he is going to live.”

She looks so fragile and I can't help but feel horrible for her. This isn't the first time she's seen her only son like this and it must be killing her.

“Mrs. Jaeger-”

“Carla!” she shouts and we all stop our movements, surprised. 

She takes a breath before she says, “I'm sorry. It's just been a long night. However, you all should probably go home. Doctor Nifa says that you won't be allowed to see him for at least seventy-two hours. You should get some proper sleep.”

I know she is right and so do the others. Annie starts to fold the blankets tiredly, Armin helping.

“Can you tell Mikasa that I'm just a phone call away?” Jean asks and Mrs. Jaeger gives a small smile and nods. 

She goes to turn away but I grab onto her arm.

“Mrs. Jae-Carla,” I plead, “Please. I need to see him. Isn't there anyway I can see him. Please.”

I don't care that I'm begging, but I hope she senses my desperation.

She looks at me evenly before she nods.

“I can sneak you in,” she says, “But only for a few minutes, alright?”

I breathe a sigh of relief.

“We'll wait here for you,” Hanji says and I nod, following after Carla.

Seeing Eren is physically painful to me. He has so many wires attached to him as well as respirator and a feeding tube. It's almost like seeing him as he was when he was found again. This boy has been in the hospital too many times.

I go over to him and carefully take his hand and I'm surprised at the warmth of it. It's limp, however, and that's the most disheartening part of it all.

I don't care that there are three other people in the room. I smooth back Eren's long hair that rivals his father's in length and press my forehead against his.

“Don't leave me,” I breathe, “I'm sorry. I love you. Please come back.”

I squeeze his hand, half expecting him to squeeze back, but he doesn't.

I feel as if every time something happens to Eren, I realize just how much I love him over again. I always knew I loved him, but I also know that seeing him like this tears apart my soul.

I don't know how long I stay like that before a nurse comes in and sees that I'm not part of the immediate family.

Before I am shooed out, I put Eren's earbuds in and turn the music on, back to that fucking Hanson song. Maybe something like that would echo in Eren's head and he will dream well.

I give him one last kiss on the forehead and nod to both of his parents before I catch the prolonged gaze that Mikasa is giving me. I don't have long to ponder on it before I am forced to leave.

Hanji and Erwin are still in the waiting room, true to their word.

“What happened to Jean? I thought he rode with you?” I ask Erwin.

“Annie took him home,” he responds.

I nod, but I am suddenly very tired and emotionally exhausted. Both of my friends seem to notice and it isn't long before we are pulling up to my house in Erwin's car.

“Let me know when you wake up, alright?” Hanji says.

“And actually get some sleep,” Erwin scolds and I roll my eyes before I get out.

“Thank you guys. For everything,” I say before I shut the door and walk up to the front door of my house.

I pause at the doorway before I take a deep breath and enter the house.

I can hear the TV, but I also hear my mom talking to someone on the phone in the living room. I take off my shoes and head there.

Once my mom spots me, her entire expression falls to something like relief.

“No, Terry, he just came home,” she says, “Thank you so much. Yeah, I'll talk to you later.”

She hangs up the phone and looks at me sternly from her place on the couch.

“Where have you been?” she asks, “I know you are twenty and you are an adult, but if you are living with me, at least send me a text if you aren't going to be home! I was worried sick! And Terry was looking for you!”

I wasn't expecting a lecture, but I can't really blame her.

“Sorry,” I say tiredly, “My phone died and I didn't think to text you.”

“And just where were you that you couldn't pick up a damn phone to call me?”

“The hospital,” I tell her and her expression changes.

“The hospital...” she repeats, “Why...?”

“Eren...he-” but I can't say the words. They are caught and I can feel the pain beginning to show on my face.

My mom is silent for a moment before she pats the couch beside her.

“Come here, sweetheart,” she says.

I go instantly to her, sitting down before she pulls me down, making me use her lap as a pillow and throwing a blanket over me. I curl up on the couch, watching the television blankly. This is something I used to do as a child when I had a bad dream and she was still up. It's oddly comforting and she begins to run her fingers through my hair as she uses the other hand to pluck the glasses off my face.

“It will be alright, sweetheart,” she soothes, “It's going to be okay.”

I hope she is right and I can't keep my eyes open anymore and I fall asleep as my mother comforts me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Light Behind Your Eyes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76WJJ57YoG0) by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> [MMMBop](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHozn0YXAeE) by Hanson.
> 
> So, I actually teared up while writing this chapter. 
> 
> Please don't hate Jean either. He's a good guy with valid reasons to be upset. :3


	37. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST, check out this amazing [cosplay](http://instagram.com/p/repmEUmH1B/?modal=true) of [Eren](http://instagram.com/p/rxVcluGH7L/?modal=true) from Louder Than Words by the [unremarkablebutterfly](http://instagram.com/unremarkablebutterfly)! Isn't it fantastic!!???  
> Alright, now that you have seen this marvelous cosplay, here is the chapter!

School started again along and the relief I felt at this being my last year in high school was palpable.

“This is going to be a good year,” Hanji said, stretching out on my couch, “I can feel it.”

Erwin and Hanji had decided to invite themselves over to my house after the first Friday of the school year. I was mildly annoyed because I had other plans involve Eren's ass and my bed, but unfortunately, I had to entertain the two idiots I called friends.

“Last time you 'felt it', you ended up nearly destroying the lab room and three kids got sent to the hospital,” I said and Eren snorts.

“Oh, so that was _you_ ,” he said, “I should have figured.”

“Science!” she shouts and we all jump, “Plus, all those kids were fine. Nothing a little ointment couldn't heal.”

“I'm surprised they even let you come back to school at all after that,” Erwin told her, “Endangering kid's lives is usually more punishable than just a week of suspension.”

Hanji rolls her eyes at Erwin and I smile slightly at the two of them.

“That reminds me,” Eren said, “Hanji, you're in Science Club and Erwin, you're on the Debate team, right?”

The both nodded and Eren turns to me.

“Why aren't you in any clubs,” he asked and I shrug.

“Nothing ever caught my interest,” I replied.

“But you are really good with tech stuff and computers,” Eren insisted and I had a bad feeling I knew where this was going, “Why not join one of those clubs?”

“I don't deal well with people,” I said shortly, “Plus, I don't want to be a geek.”

“Liar!” Hanji shouted, pointing a finger at me.

“Liar?” Eren questions.

“Yes, he's lying to you,” Erwin says offhandedly, “That's not the whole reason why. Although, Levi, nothing is to stop you now. She graduated last year.”

“Would both of you kindly fuck off?” I said through gritted teeth.

“Wait...what am I missing?” Eren asked, eyes swimming in confusion.

“Yes, tell your boyfriend what he is missing,” Hanji grins and not for the last time I am tempted to strangle her. And then Erwin for good measure.

“You aren't missing anything,” I lied, “They are just being assholes.”

“Levi, you're blushing,” Eren said a matter-of-factly, “What is it? Tell me!”

And I swear my boyfriend knows how to use those large green eyes to his advantage. Fucker.

“It's...about my first time,” I sighed, “It was with one of the girls in Computer club.”

Eren raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue.

“It was Freshman year and these two idiots dragged me to a party,” I said, wishing that I never had to speak of this ever again, “There was this girl there a year older than me and she was a wild drunk. She noticed me and started talking about how she was super depressed she was a virgin. I...was a little drunk myself and so I offered. It worked out because I was a virgin too so we didn't know what to expect.”

“Holy shit,” Eren said and it looked like he was repressing a smile.

I glared at him and continued, “It was fucking awful. We didn't know what we were doing and I got soft and she started crying in the middle of it. It was mortifying. We never even finished. We just put on our clothes and avoided each other like our lives depended on it.”

Eren bursts into laughter and I am slightly annoyed. Even Hanji and Erwin are biting back smiles, even though they've heard the story before.

“Yeah, it's really hilarious,” I deadpanned.

“Sorry, sorry,” Eren chokes out, but I had a feeling that he really wasn't sorry at all.

“Whatever. I want to break up,” I said and that only made Eren laugh harder.

After a couple minutes, he sobered up and asked, “Well, do you remember who she was?”

I shrugged.

“Her last name was some sort of flower. He name was like Isabella or something like that,” I told him.

“Flower...” Eren said thoughtfully before his eyes widened, “Holy shit! You're first time was with Isabel Magnolia!”

“Now how the fuck would you know that?” I spat, but the name sounded right.

“I'm on the Yearbook Committee! It's my job to take pictures of clubs and games and shit like that. I remember her because she said that I would be somebody's bitch if I went to prison.”

I wasn't sure what to say to that but Hanji burst into laughter and even Erwin let out a few quiet chuckles.

“Well, she's not wrong,” I said dryly and Eren glared at me.

“What about your first time, Eren?” Erwin asked and I'm surprised. I would have thought that Eren's first time would have been with him.

“Um, it was...you,” he said and I can tell he's lying by his ears.

“Now I know that's not true,” Erwin said, “You told me I wasn't your first.”

“The fact that you two had a sex life disgusts me,” I muttered and Hanji snorted.

Eren grimaces and I found that interesting. He didn't want to talk about his first time anymore than I did.

“That bad, huh?” I said.

“No,” he shook his head, “It was actually...really good. He was unexpectedly nice about the whole thing. Like, he was as nervous as I was but he made sure that he never hurt me or anything. It wasn't bad for a first time I think.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Well then why the fuck didn't you want to tell us,” I asked, “It's not nearly as embarrassing as my first time.”

Eren chewed on his lip.

“Well...it was with Jean.”

Erwin's eyebrows shot up and Hanji started laughing like a hyena again while I just sat there in shock.

“Jean? Jean fucking Kirstein was your first?” I asked disbelievingly.

He looked guilty and nodded.

“Well, then,” Erwin stated, “That was a little unexpected. I thought you hated his guts.”

“Yeah, well,” Eren starts slowly, “It's kind of hot...when it's like that.”

“Oh my god,” I said, lowering my face into my hands and Hanji was still laughing.

“I think this means that you two need to have more angry sex,” Hanji managed to choke out and I had reached my breaking point.

I launched myself over the coffee table and tried to strangle Hanji, but she jumped up and ran from the room, cackling the entire way out. Instead of chasing her, I sat down on the couch and sighed.

“You aren't going to go after her?” Eren asked.

“Nah, she's out of sight and I can't hear her annoying voice, so I'm alright,” I answered.

“That's what you think!” I hear before a body crashed onto mine painfully.

“Ow, fuck!” I yelled and tried to push her off, but she became a dead weight on top of me.

“What about you, Erwin?” Hanji asked, unconcerned that she was crushing my lungs.

“What about me?” he asked, feigning ignorance.

“Who was your first time with?” Hanji grinned and I successfully manage to push her off me, “You are always so secretive.”

“I'm not secretive,” Erwin defended, “It just has never come up. And if you must know, it was Eren.”

Eren grinned proudly but I suddenly felt very possessive of my boyfriend.

“Just how many people have you slept with,” I asked coolly.

“Ooooo, the boyfriend is jealous,” Hanji said quietly, but I ignored her.

Eren furrows his eyebrows.

“How many people have _you_ slept with?” he challenged.

“I asked first,” I said and Eren only shrugged.

“Does it matter?” he asked, and the thing was, it really _shouldn't_ matter, but I cared for some reason. I really didn't like the thought that Eren had been with other people before me, but I guess I had no room to object since I had been with people before him.

“I guess not,” I conceded and both Erwin and Hanji shared a smug look.

“What?” I snapped at them.

“Nothing!” they both replied at the same time.

“Well, Erwin and I should probably get going. It's almost sundown for me and my parents will be pissed if I'm not there for the beginning of Shabbos,” Hanji said, hopping up.

“I told Mike I would call him tonight,” Erwin told us, standing as well, “And Hanji is my ride. We'll see you later.”

They gathered their stuff up and bid us goodbye and I waved them off and soon, Eren and I were left alone.

I laid there, not looking at Eren and whatever the fuck he was doing. True, I was being a bit childish and I told myself I should stop and act my age, but I was a little pissed.

I hadn't even noticed Eren getting up until he was straddling my waist.

“Two,” Eren said, “It was only Jean and Erwin.”

It took a moment for me to process what he was saying, but when I did, I asked, “Not Marco?”

Eren laughed.

“No, not Marco,” he answered, “I went on one date with him and realized that my crush on you wasn't going anywhere.”

I hummed and told him, “Nine.”

The way his eyes bulged out was worth the lie and I chuckled.

“Kidding, Eren,” I said, “Only two as well.”

“Isabel and Petra,” he said.

I nodded before I leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

“Come to think of it, Hanji never said who her first time was with,” Eren said.

“Nobody,” I answered, “Hanji's never had sex. When she does, you can be guaranteed that everyone will know about it.”

Eren snorted but then leaned forward to kiss me, this one a bit more prolonged. I was quick to deepen the kiss, cupping my hand on Eren's ass and pulling him closer to me. He moaned into my mouth and my other hand started to creep up underneath his shirt.

Suddenly, he detached his mouth from mine and looked at me with wide eyes.

“Who do you think tops, Erwin or Mike?” he asked earnestly and any arousal I had was gone.

“Fuck, Jaeger, you really know how to kill a moment,” I groaned.

“I'm being serious!” Eren said.

I leaned back onto the couch and sighed.

“Fucking ask him then. I don't give a shit,” I said, a bit annoyed.

Eren scrambled off my lap for his phone before sending a quick text.

“I can't believe you just fucking blue balled me,” I groused, glaring at him.

Eren grinned cheekily at me.

“Well, I'm sure I can fix that,” he told me and I was more than up for him proving it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can never figure out who would top for erumike. Maybe they would switch like Levi and Eren. Who knows?
> 
> And yes, I made Isabel and Farlan a year older than Levi, but they still look up to him. :)


	38. Present

I actually manage to get a decent amount of sleep and I decide to drag myself to work. My mom didn't want me to, but the world didn't stop just because the most important person in my life was in the hospital.

I know I look like shit as I sit down at my cubicle. Farlan comes around to the entrance of my cubicle and looks like he is about to say something, but I interrupt him.

“Any orders, Farlan?” I ask blankly.

“Levi, don't you think-”

“No,” I say, “Now, what should I be working on?”

I know he knows but I don't particularly care how. Probably Hanji.

Farlan sighs but gives me a relatively newer record player and explains that the needle keeps sliding. It's an easy fix and soon I'm onto the next project, throwing myself into my work.

“Levi,” I hear the familiar voice of Pixis and look up at him, “Come to my office for a moment.”

I almost forgot about the job offer but now that it's Friday, I realize that I am supposed to have my answer.

And I do.

I sit in Pixis office much like I did two days ago and it's strange how things are vastly different from then.

“Have you made your decision?” Pixis asks, “You know I hate to rush you, but like I said, I would like Nile to train before he leaves.”

“It's alright,” I mutter, “But I'm not going to take the job.”

Pixis mustache twitches and he doesn't look surprised at all. Instead, he leans back in his chair and watches me closely.

“Why not?” he asks.

I can't answer him. Of course I know the reason why. Or reasons. I can't move ahead without Eren. He's my anchor and I need him. He had always wanted to go places and see the world. I had always wanted to go with him. I had the money to now.

But Eren was in the hospital now and even if he did wake up, there might be a chance that he wouldn't wake up the same. Even so, I was going to take him everywhere I could. Taking the job, going to school for two years to get a degree, those were just things that would tie me and Eren down here. Did I really want that for him?

As of now, I could never be sure or not if he felt trapped here, in the same town he had been held captive in for six months. I curse myself for not thinking of it sooner, but does Eren really want to be in Shinganshina at all?

I can't stay here any longer than Eren wants to. I am done ignoring the fact that Eren's past is done when it is still affecting him. If Eren wakes up and is healthy, I want to take him away from this town, away from the troubles that plague him.

“I see,” Pixis says when I don't say anything, “Levi, you are a bright boy with a promising future, regardless of what future you may choose.”

I train my attention onto him.

“However, this opportunity could really do wonders for your future and I would hate to see you throw it away simply because you are grieving,” Pixis tells me and I figure that Farlan or Isabel must have told him what happened, “Not only that, but I think you should consider what is best for _you_ and what _you_ want to do.”

I am taken aback by this and I almost argue that this is what I want, but I stop to consider. If there was no Eren, what would I have? I would have my friends and family, but I'm not basing my decision off of them. I am basing it off of Eren.

So if I were to just consider what I want to do, what would be best for me...

“I understand that Eren is a large part of your life,” Pixis continues, “But keep in mind that it is your career, not his. You aren't moving on from him, Levi. You would be ensuring a future that would keep the both of you happy. And this wouldn't have to be permanent. I would understand that if in a month, you decided that you didn't want this job. But with a degree under your belt as well as a managerial position on your resume, you would have a good chance at getting a job anywhere.”

I bite my lip, thinking over his words. I know he is right, but I still can't help but think of Eren. Eren is my future and thinking anything different seems foreign to me.

“I would really like you to reconsider your decision,” Pixis says, “I can give you another day to think about it, but I-”

“There's no need,” I interrupt, “I already know.”

“And?”

* * *

 

I work my way through the day, Farlan asking me every so often if I'm alright.

I clock out and I don't have to worry about closing up since Pixis is still going to be here for another hour.

When I get in the car, I sit for a moment, not really wanting to go home. My mom will be there and she will be worried, not wanting to leave me alone and that is really what want I want to be.

Actually, I really want to be with Eren and I can't for another two days.

I make a quick decision and text my mom my plans before I start the car.

I get to my destination and pull into the driveway, parking the car before I get out and lock it behind me.

It's going to be the first time I will stay the night here at my inherited house. I feel sort of empty and hollow inside as I enter it and flick on the lights. It doesn't feel like my house yet and I wonder if it ever will.

I end up sitting on the couch and checking to see if I have any messages. I did, from Erwin, Hanji, and Mikasa.

I decide to check Mikasa's last just in case it was bad news.

 **Peanut Butter Dick:** _Levi, do you want me to come over tonight?_

I send a quick text telling him that I didn't get any sleep last night and I'm going to go straight to bed, both of which are lies.

 **Shit-Specs: _w_** _e're here if you need us, levi! Please call, alright?_

I tell her the same thing I told Erwin and then slowly check Mikasa's text.

 **Mikasa:** _eren is still okay. they scanned his brain today and it seems like he doesn't have any severe brain damage but they aren't sure if he will wake up anytime soon._

I feel relief well up in me and I heave a huge sigh. That was yet another hurdle that Eren leaped over. But I still couldn't let myself hope too much. He still could suffer from countless neurological disorders if he ever woke up.

My phone buzzes again and I look to see that my mom replied as well as Erwin.

 **Mom:** _Alright, honey. I love you._

 **Peanut Butter Dick:** _Okay, but we need to see each other before I have to get back to school on Monday. You can't shut yourself out._

I don't reply to either one of them and lay down on the couch, staring at the ceiling and letting my phone rest on my chest.

I would turn the TV on, but I hadn't called the cable company to turn it on. It was lucky that I still had the electric on.

I nearly jump three feet in the air when I hear the doorbell ring.

“Who the fuck...?” I say to nobody as I sit up.

I go to the front door, almost expecting it to be my mother, but I would have never expected it to be Isabel and Farlan.

“See! I told you it was the right house!” Isabel says, grinning at me, “Yo, big bro!”

“Good for you!” Farlan mutters before he holds up a case of beer, “We went your other house first but your mom said you were here.”

Thanks, Mom.

Isabel shoves her way past me and takes her shoes off before she runs into the living room, backpack in tow.

“Who the fuck said you could come in here?” I snap and Farlan steps into the house as well.

“Nobody, but we aren't leaving you alone,” he says, “I would call Hanji and Erwin, but it's been a while since the three of us have hung out like this.”

And as he said that, I know any chances of getting them to leave are minimal.

I sigh and close the door.

“Big Bro! I can't watch TV!” Isabel's voice comes from the living room.

I walk to the doorway and answer, “That's because I don't have cable yet, idiot.”

“Laaaame,” she says but then busies herself with tearing the blankets off the the top of the couch and taking the pillows and putting them on the floor so we can sit comfortably.

“I'm going to call for pizza,” Farlan says and I wave him off.

“You are lucky that I brought movies!” Isabel tells me, “I brought all the Star Wars, White Chicks, all of the Marvel movies, Stepbrothers, The Conjuring, aaaanndd Carrie.”

“Damn, Izzy, I hope you don't plan on watching all of those tonight,” I say and she shakes her head.

“I just wanted to make sure we had choices,” she says happily, “And they're good movies. Well, except for Star Wars, but Farlan insisted.”

“Don't you dare start about Star Wars!” Farlan says as he enters the room again, pocketing his phone, “They are good movies.”

“Nerd,” Isabel says, sticking her tongue out at him.

“You just don't appreciate good movies,” Farlan argues.

“Nerd,” I state and Isabel snorts a laugh.

Farlan rolls his eyes before he tells us that he ordered soda in addition to our beer because I have nothing in the kitchen.

A half hour later, we have our pizza and we are watching Iron Man, drinking beers, even though I'm the only one who is underage.

Soon enough, I'm sufficiently buzzed and enjoying myself a little, even though I can't get Eren off my mind. I keep checking my phone, scared that Mikasa is going to call or text with bad news, but she doesn't.

“Alright!” Isabel says, jumping up from our makeshift bed on the floor, “I need to pee and put pajamas on and wash my face!”

I get up as well, deciding that I should put some sweatpants on to sleep in. Farlan takes the downstairs bathroom while I go up to the master bedroom.

I have a couple of my clothes that I brought over even before this whole mess happened, thankfully and I quickly change. I want to brush my teeth, but I know that I will just be eating and drinking again so I make my way downstairs with some extra blankets and pillows, albeit a little wobbly but otherwise fine.

I find that Farlan has already changed and is putting in a Star Wars movie. He jumps when I enter but then relaxes.

“I figured that if we started, Izzy can't complain about it and will just have to wait,” he grins.

I shrug and sit down, taking another slice of pizza.

“Fine, but we aren't watching all of them,” I say, “I've never seen The Conjuring and I want to.”

Farlan seems to agree and sits beside me as the movie starts the previews. He clicks the menu button and starts the movie.

“It's taking her a long time,” he mutters.

I grunt noncommittally, taking a drink from my beer can.

“Levi,” Farlan says quietly and I look at him, sensing the seriousness in his tone and I really hope that he isn't going to mention Eren. I don't want him to do this tonight.

“What?”

“Can I tell you something and ask your advice?” he asks and I'm seriously beginning to worry.

“Sure,” I say, waiting for the hammer to drop.

“I...I really like Izzy.”

Oh. Well, that wasn't what I thought he was going to say at all. In fact, I was even surprised. Just more relieved.

“Okay,” I tell him and he watches me before chuckling.

“Was I that obvious?” he asks, looking down at his own beer can.

“No,” I state, “But I kinda figured it out a long time ago.”

He lets a breath out through his nose before he takes a long swig of beer.

“It's just that,” he says after he swallows, “I didn't go to the same school as her, right? And I started working with her and she's crazy and loud and stubborn, but she's also cheerful and energetic and...really beautiful.”

“Then ask her out,” I say, “The worst she can say is no.”

“But then it can ruin our-”

“Don't even fucking use that one, Farlan,” I say, “Izzy wouldn't let something like that ruin a friendship. Not after what you've done for her.”

“You helped too,” he mutters but then shifts, “I just...don't want her to feel like she did in her last relationship.”

I take his face and squeeze it with a single hand and make him face me.

“Fuck, Farlan,” I hiss, “You are nothing like that guy, alright? You know that and I know you wouldn't ever hurt Izzy and I'm sure she knows that too. You've spent all this time fucking pining over her when you two could have had a great relationship.”

I don't release his face and he looks down, not able to meet my gaze.

“But...I can't give her what she wants in...certain departments,” he says.

“If it's meant to be, she won't care that you're ace, Farlan,” I tell him, “And honestly, I don't think she's too big on sex either. Just a gut feeling.”

At least going by past experiences and her last relationship, neither of which I want to think about.

“But what if-”

“Woah, am I interrupting something here?” Isabel teases as she enters the room and Farlan scoots away from me, knocking my hand away.

“Yes,” he answers, “I think Levi has the hots for me.”

“You aren't my type,” I answer him and Izzy snorts before she notices what was playing.

“Damn it, Farlan!”

Farlan only grins at her and she sits down with a huff on the other side of him, grabbing a slice of pizza and grumbles.

We continue to watch the movie, Isabel making snide remarks throughout the whole thing and Farlan elbowing her. The movie doesn't end until almost one in the morning and that's just when all of us are hitting our second wind.

“I gotta piss,” Farlan says, getting up and stretching.  
“I'm putting in The Conjuring,” I tell him as he leaves.

A second of silence passes before Isabel says, “I heard what Farlan said.”

Fucking damn it. I'm not a fucking relationship counselor.

“Yeah?” I say noncommittally, “And?”

“I'm scared,” she says and this time I look back at her and she is watching me with wide eyes.

“Of what?”

Isabel fidgets.

“I know Farlan cares for me a lot and wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but I thought the same about...him,” she confides.

I sigh but then speak.

“Look, if Farlan has restrained himself for two fucking _years_ because he was afraid that you would think he would hurt you, don't you think that says something about him?” I ask, “And to be honest, I don't think Farlan is ever going to make a move because he wants to be sure that you would be comfortable with it. I can guarantee you that you two ever do get the balls to date, he would treat you like a goddamn princess.”

Isabel takes the last slice of pizza and bites into it.

“What do I do?” she mumbles.

“Don't talk with your mouth full,” I scold her, “But you need to ask yourself if you like him or not. And if you do, ask the poor guy out.”

She nods thoughtfully and continues eating her pizza and I skip through the rest of the previews, feeling rather proud of myself for having the two morons come to me for advice.

“Alright,” Farlan says as he comes into the room, “Let's get this over with.”

“Farlan, what are you doing next Friday?” Isabel asks suddenly and I smirk. She doesn't waste time.

“Uh, well, I work until six...” he answers hesitantly.

“Great! Because you are taking me out then,” she says happily, “You better make it a good date. It takes a lot to impress me.”

Farlan looks flabbergasted and looks at me.

“What did you say?” he asks.

“Nothing,” I shrug, “You pretty much said it all.”

Farlan turns a dark red and Isabel laughs. I can't help but think that this is much better than being alone, even though that's what I wanted in the first place. They have already managed to make me feel better, despite the storm that is going on in my life.

“By the way, Big Bro,” she says, turning to me, “Did you end up taking the job?”

I glance over at her before returning my attention back to the movie.

I think back and can only hope I didn't make a decision I will end up regretting.

“Yeah, I did.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but Farlan and Isabel are just too cute.
> 
> And in case anybody was confused, yes, the Isabel Levi lost his virginity to is the same Isabel that he works with. Having them meet is going to be fun. :D
> 
> And okay, can we talk about how this [person](http://instagram.com/unremarkablebutterfly?modal=true) did another [cosplay](http://instagram.com/p/r7xGbCGH4u/?modal=true) and actually signed??? Because I'm geeking out over here that there is a cosplayer using sign language as my Eren. Just...slay me now okay?


	39. Past

There can be a lot said about how terrifying an angry woman is but it's a lot scarier when that woman is Petra.

I found that out in the middle of November when Auruo and Petra were supposed to be coming over to my house so we could have a double date sort of thing. Eren would be a bit later since he still had basketball practice. After he came, we would all go out to dinner and a movie.

“Petra, where's Auruo? I thought he was coming over too?” I asked as she entered my house.

“Fuck Auruo! He can bite his tongue and die!” she said angrily as she pulled off her shoes and stomped angrily into the kitchen.

Oh boy.

I followed her and saw that she was already getting a glass of water.

“Make yourself at home,” I told her and she gave me the finger.

I didn't know what Auruo did, but I hated being on the receiving end of it.

“Um, what happened?” I asked as she took a long drink of water.

She slammed the glass down and I'm surprised it didn't shatter.

“That... _bastard_ couldn't come because he had to take his dad to the hospital after his dad broke his arm,” she spat.

“I don't...understand,” I said slowly, trying not to agitate her further.

“Then, he has the balls to tell me that I shouldn't come over here!” Petra ranted, “You know what that asshole said to me? He said, 'I don't really like the idea of you being alone with Levi'. That _idiot_. Like we are going to do anything. You're gay as fuck for Eren and Auruo and I have been together for over a year now and he has the _nerve_...”

She tapered off, swearing under her breath.

I didn't say anything for a while, not really feeling all that offended by Auruo's words.

“I don't blame him,” I said after a moment and Petra's head snaps up.

“What?” she growled, “It's not like we are going to do anything.”

I shrugged.

“No, but you are still my ex,” I said, “I don't blame him for being a little bit...jealous. Especially if we are going to be alone for a while. I mean, he's being stupid, but I can understand how he feels.”

Petra shook her head.

“He should be able to trust me by now!” she insisted.

“You trust him, right?”

Begrudgingly, she nodded.

“Well, how would you feel if him and...Christa hung out alone?” I asked, “Even though she's not his ex, how would you feel about that?”

“Christa isn't into-”

“For the sake of argument here, Petra, fuck,” I said, rubbing my forehead, “You wouldn't like him hanging out with other girls alone.”

She was silent as she shook her head.

“Auruo's always been a little bit insecure,” I continued, “And you're a fucking catch, Petra. I'm not saying that what he did was right, but I can understand where he is coming from. I don't particularly like it when Eren hangs out with his exes alone, but we've talked about it and he feels the same way about you. That is to say, neither of us are going to are going to tell each other that we can't hang out with certain people, but it's about being aware of the situations you are putting yourself into. And I don't think Auruo was telling you what to do, just his feelings on the matter, which is actually good communication. He probably could have worded it better though.”

Petra looked down at her glass.

“I just feel like he's always thinking I'm going to find someone else,” she sighed, “And I had hoped that after a year, he would realize that I'm not going anywhere. I know he's always been self-conscious about the way he looks so he makes up these things in his head where he thinks I'm going to _do_ something if he's not there.”

I sigh and lean against the counter.

“You should try talking to him about it, Petra,” I said, “I don't think he meant to make you feel like you aren't to be trusted.”

Petra nodded and finished the rest of her water.

“Even so, you are still my friend and I think we should hang out together without him getting all worked up about it,” she said.

“You should talk to him about that, not me,” I told her, “I'm literally the least qualified person to talk to about this.”

Petra giggled and I was glad that I didn't have to deal with her wrath anymore.

“Let's watch some TV platonically until Eren gets here, alright?” I suggested and Petra was more than willing to do that.

She did end up calling Auruo and talking to him for a bit in the other room. During that time, Eren arrived, sweaty and still in gym clothes.

“Hey, Levi, come give me a kiss!” he said, coming over to me with his arms wide.

I hissed and scrambled away from him, causing him to laugh.

“Fucking asshole!” I spat at him, “Go take a fucking shower.”

“Alright, alright!” he conceded, “But I'm going to use all of your shampoo.”

“You better fucking not,” I called after him, “That's a brand new bottle!”

I hear the shower start and I know that Eren is quick in the shower, unless of course, it's the two of us.

“I'm going to kill him,” I groaned.

Petra came in after a few minutes and chuckled.

“You two are adorable,” she said smiling, “But, I'm not going to join you guys tonight. I'm going to go see Auruo while he waits for his dad and I want to talk face to face to him.”

“It's good to see you are less angry,” I said and she rolled her eyes.

She started towards the front door before she turned back to me.

“Hey, did you hear about Miss Langar?” she asked.

“I'm not in her class,” I said, “What, is she pregnant?”

Petra shook her head seriously.

“No, she didn't show up at school at all today,” Petra told me.

“So? She probably was just sick or something,” I reasoned.

“I don't think so,” Petra said, “Apparently she didn't even call to let them know she wasn't coming. She just didn't show up for the teacher's meeting or any of the classes.”

I shrugged.

“She'll probably be back on Monday,” I told her.

“Maybe...”

“You guys talking about Miss Langar?” Eren asked as he came down the stairs, putting on a stripped green shirt that worked well with the fucking jeans he was wearing.

“Yeah,” Petra answered.

“That whole thing is really weird,” Eren said, “I guess her car was in the parking lot this morning, but she wasn't. I heard some of the teachers talking about how she had to stay late last night to grade some papers or whatever. Sounds like she never even went home.”

“Stop making things dramatic, Eren,” I sighed, “And you didn't dry your hair enough your shirt is all wet.”

“I could go without my shirt on?” Eren waggled his eyebrows and Petra laughed.

“I'll be leaving then,” Petra said, “I'll see you guys later. Sorry we have to postpone the double date.”

“It's no problem,” I told her as she put on her shoes, “Tell Auruo I said hey.”

She nodded and left, leaving me with Eren.

“So...no double date?” Eren asked and I could hear his shrewd tone.

“Nah, Petra and Auruo need to work some stuff out so it's just you and me,” I told him.

“We don't _have_ to go out,” he said but I rolled my eyes.

“Calm the fuck down,” I said, “I already bought our movie tickets. Now come on, I don't want to be late.”

Eren pouted but when I told him that there were plenty of things to do in a dark theater, he seemed to brighten right up again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update now because there might be another chapter later tonight. :)
> 
> And I got some asks today that I decided I would just say something on here about Farlan being asexual.
> 
> Yes, I do know that asexuals can and do have sex and can enjoy it, but it is Farlan's personal choice _not_ to have sex. It will be explained more later, but I didn't mean to make it seem like I thought asexuals couldn't have sex at all. Sorry about the confusion!


	40. Present

It isn't until a week later that I get a text from Mikasa while I'm at work.

**Mikasa:** _ eren's awake _

I feel like the weight of a thousand worlds falls off my shoulders when I sigh.

“Hey, Ackerman, you don't get paid to text at work,” Nile snaps at me and I am in too good of a mood to retort.

“Sorry,” I say and get back to finalizing the orders like Nile showed me.

Eren was awake. She didn't say how he was just that he was awake and that was enough for me.

Over the past week, I had gotten in to see Eren as soon as I could, Erwin coming with me on Sunday. He had looked terrible then, looking pale and sick with his feeding tube and respirator and IVs hooked up to him. The doctor's had taken off his scarf so the scar on his neck was visible, raised and lighter than the rest of his skin. It marred his otherwise smooth skin and I hated it there just as much as Eren did.

“Hey, look, Levi,” Nile says, bringing me to the present, “I haven't been the best boss lately-”

“Lately?” I scoff and he presses his lips together in annoyance.

“And I just wanted to say I'm sorry,” he finishes in a slightly harder tone.

I actually stop my work and look over at him.

“You are actually... _apologizing_?” I ask, amusement in my voice, “Why?”

Nile grits his teeth and shakes his head.

“Forget it, Ackerman. I take it back,” he replies before he goes back to auditing our merchandise. 

We work in silence for a few minutes before he says, “I know you've had a rough couple of years and I'm sorry about that too.”

“Not your fucking fault,” I sigh, “But yeah, whatever. Good luck at your new job at fucking Best Buy.”

He doesn't respond to that.

The rest of the day is spent with me training but my mind not on the job whatsoever. One of the things about being a manager now was that I was actually the one to open the store, so I left earlier in the afternoon rather than later. While I normally hated waking up so early, I am thankful for it today because I go straight to see Eren.

By the time I get there, he is sleeping again, but all of the Jaegers look relieved even if they are tired.

“He wasn't awake for long,” Mrs. Jaeger tells me, “And he was still really out of it, but he came out of his coma.”

She hugs me and for once, I hug her back.

I see that Eren has his headphones in and it relieves me. At least he will have his music when he does wake up for good.

I look over at Mikasa who is at the bed and holding tightly to his hand. She manages a smile and I can see just how alleviated she feels.

I stay for as long as I can before we are sent home. Now that Eren faces no danger of dying, even his parents aren't supposed to stay past visiting hours.

Carla invites me out to dinner and I accept, surprised but happy. I find out that she got the rest of the school year off, which was just a couple of weeks for the preschoolers she taught. Grisha can't stay long because while he might have been visiting Eren, he could only manage to get a week off and he has to go back to work, but something tells me that he will be in Eren's room every spare moment he can.

After dinner, I'm about to head home, my new home since I have been gradually moving over the past week, when Mikasa stops me.

“We should start running together again,” she tells me.

I nod. It's been a while since we have; almost two years, in fact. We stopped when Eren was found, but it was never too late to start again.

“Fine,” I agreed, “Tomorrow morning at the usual place then.”

She nods and I find myself looking forward to it. 

The next morning is just as invigorating as I remember it to be, starting our run at the beginning of the bike trail, even though Mikasa and I spend our time in silence. I will never admit it, but I am out of shape and Mikasa, who was going to school for physical therapy, seems to have kept her perfect form.

What an asshole.

After we are finished, I tell her that I will probably see her at the hospital after work and she only nods.

A shower and a eight hour shift later, I'm there, ready to see if Eren is awake again.

I am pleased when I see that his feeding tube has been removed and he is awake, but then I see a nurse sitting beside him and Mikasa's stormy expression.

I decide to ask what is going on later and approach Eren tentatively, scared of what will happen.

“Hey, Bright Eyes,” I say and looks at me and I see rage in his eyes. What confuses me is that it's rage directed at me.

“Hello,” the nurse says and I look up at her.

“Um...hi,” I reply wondering what the fucking is going on.

I look down at Eren and look to him for an explanation but he turns his face away from me. He struggles for a moment, which is strange and I look and see that his hands have Velcro wristbands attaching his hands to either side of the bed at his sides.

“What the fuck...?”

“Sorry, I suppose I should explain,” the nurse says, “I'm Anka.”

There is a beat of silence and I look over at Mikasa but she is looking out the window.

“I hate to say it lady, but that doesn't explain why Eren is fucking handcuffed to his bed,” I say.

Eren turns to look at me again and I can see in his eyes that he is blaming me for this. I don't understand why, however.

“Ah, yes,” she says, “We had to put restraints on him because he kept trying to tear out his IVs and take of his oxygen mask. They won't hurt him. It's to ensure that he won't hurt himself.”  
I look down at him and he weakly tries to struggle with the restraints again.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This was becoming a lot for me again all of the sudden, but I would be here for Eren, no matter what.

“Has he tried doing that?” I ask.

Anka nods.

“The drugs that are still trying to flush out his system have made him agitated and moody,” she answers, “In all honesty, he probably won't ever remember your visit today.”

I nod and look back at Eren before I reach and take one of his hands.

He is quick to jerk it away and I am at a loss what to do. He can't speak at all now that his hands are out of commission and I'm terrible with words.

But I know I have to try.

“You probably saw this coming but Isabel and Farlan went on a date last night,” I tell him, “I mean, they came to me for advice as if I knew what the fuck I was talking about and I basically told the both of them to shit or get off the pot.”

Eren doesn't look at me so I continue to talk, trying to keep a one-sided conversation going. I don't tell him about my promotion, but I do tell him how Nile is leaving for Best Buy and how things are going with my mom and Terry.

I don't even notice Eren was struggling with his restraint until his hand is free.

“Mr. Jaeger-” Anka starts and he holds up a finger before he starts for the other restraint to take it off, “Wait, Eren-”  
“No, he just wants to talk,” I say, noticing that he hasn't even reached for the IV.

She doesn't look convinced but allows it and Eren looks at me with both of his hands in use.

“ _Mikasa says that you were the one that found me_ ,” he says and he looks at me, daring me to deny it.

I look over at Mikasa and she is watching us closely.

“Yes,” I answer and he closes his eyes for a moment before glaring at me again.

“ _You should have just let me die._ ”

“I should warn you that he's upset right now and he doesn't mean whatever he is saying,” Anka says quietly.

“ _Tell the bitch that I'm right here and I do mean what I'm saying_ ,” he signs and I raise my eyebrows in shock.

Eren is never this rude. At least not to people who don't deserve it. Impulsive and brash, but not rude.

“Eren...”

“ _Shut up, Levi,_ ” he says and I know that eve he could speak, he would be shouting. Even now, he is breathing hard, “ _You have no idea the hell I've had to live through and it didn't end when I was rescued. You should have just let me die. I want to die._ ”

It takes me a moment to collect my thoughts but then I kneel down so my face is level with his.

“It's true, I-I don't know, but I'm here for you Eren. We all are,” I say desperately.

“ _I can't even talk anymore..._ ” and I see tears starting to leak out of his eyes and run down his face, “ _I can't speak anymore and all my chances of seeing the world are shot. A lot of good it did me to learn all those languages if I can't even speak a single one._ ”

I have nothing to say to that because it's true. That's not something even doctors can fix at this point.  
“ _ I don't want to live this way and you should have just let me die _ ,” Eren signs.

“You wouldn't have let me die,” I tell him.

“ _Yes, I would have._ ”

I know that Anka said he didn't mean what he was saying, but I can't deny that those words cut deep into my soul.

“You don't mean that,” I say in a shaking voice.

“ _I do. If you had been through what I have, I would have let you die. You're selfish for wanting to keep me alive and I wish you would leave me alone. I don't want to see your face and I-_ ”

He stops signing and stares at me for a moment. I am not sure if he was going to tell me that he hated me or not, but before I can figure it out, his hand reaches to tear out the needles in the back of his hands.

“No, Mr. Jaeger! Help me with him!” Anka says, rushing into action as she pins one hand down.

I don't want to and I know I'll hate myself for it, but I pin the other hand down as Eren struggles. Suddenly, Mikasa is there and she is strapping Eren's wrists again, tears in her eyes. It occurs to me that she must have done this before I had come in.

We get Eren safely restrained and he looks at all of us with such loathing I can feel my heart breaking.

Silent sobs rip through him and he looks like he is in such agony that I want to hold him and kiss his forehead and tell him it will be alright. He is trapped in the hospital bed and I was the one that helped make him like that.

I reached a hand forward and stroked his hair and forehead. He tried to jerk away, but I didn't stop.

His heart monitor starts to slow down and soon, it's steady and slow.

“He's asleep,” Anka says, “The medication makes him lethargic.”

“You sure he's asleep?” I ask and the nurse nods.

With that, I retract my hand and don't even say goodbye to Mikasa. I just leave the hospital room, trying to walk as calmly as I can when I am anything but.

“Levi! Levi he doesn't mean it!” I hear Mikasa's voice behind me but I don't stop.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't mean it or not. I need to get out of here, now. I'm not walking away, but something in me is finally, finally breaking and I can't be in a hospital room when it happens.

I whip out my cellphone and call the one person who is around and can help me without making me feel worse about myself.

“Hello?”

“I'm picking you up,” I say into the receiver, “I'll be there in about five minutes.”

“Wha-alright, I'll be ready.”

I hang up the phone and head to my car. I barely register getting in and driving, but once I'm in front of Hanji's house, she comes out and opens the door before getting in.

Once she closes the door, I'm speeding off, turning the radio on full blast.

Hanji, to her credit, says nothing and just lets me drive. She knows that I need this and she knows that I don't want to be alone. I know she should probably be doing homework right now, but instead, she is here to comfort me, to be a strong presence in my life.

I don't know how long I drive. It's long enough for me to change radio stations twice because we went out of range and long enough for the sun to begin its descent. It's lucky that I had just filled the car with gas or I would have never made it this far. We are hours away from Shiganshina by now and I honestly have no idea what exits we took or where I was trying to get to, but I suddenly spot a deserted rest stop and turn onto the lane that will get us there.

I barely park the car before I'm out of the car and walking away from it. I don't make it far before I fall to my knees and suddenly, I'm unbearably angry.

I hear Hanji approach from behind me but I don't turn around.

“Why!?” I scream, “Why do these things happen? Why did he do this when he knows how much he is loved? How much do I have to go through?”

She doesn't respond and I'm glad for it.

“I shouldn't even be pitying myself when Eren is the one in pain but...WHY?” I'm not controlling my volume, “I didn't ask for this! He didn't ask for this! Why is some fucker who is dead still fucking our lives over still? HOW MANY TIMES CAN MY HEART BREAK, HANJI?”

I start pounding on the ground, not caring how much it hurt and I hear Hanji get on her knees beside me before she pulls me into an embrace.

“It's okay to cry,” she murmurs.

“That's the fucking idiocy of it all!” I shout, “I want to, but I can't. I'm in so much pain and I've been there every fucking step of the way. I don't care if things aren't ever the same between us! I just want him to be happy again. Can any of us even be happy again, Hanji?”

She strokes my hair but stays silent.

“He told me I should have let him die and when I asked if he would have let me die, he said yes.”

I hear Hanji intake a breath but I don't stop.

“I know he didn't mean it, but whatever happened to him is just that terrible that he sees no way of escaping the trauma,” I say to her, “Why does it hurt this much even though he survived. He's fine but it hurts almost as if he did die. And I can only think about how much pain I'm in right now. He wanted to leave me because he was suffering so much and I can only think of myself.”

“Don't feel bad for being in pain, Levi,” Hanji says, “You are allowed to hurt.”

There is a beat of silence before I ask in a broken voice, “Am I selfish for wanting him alive?”

Hanji says nothing for a second.

“Yes,” she answers, “It was also selfish of you to take that job. It was selfish of Eren to want to travel. It was selfish of me to hop on a plane and screw Moblit over with our final project. It was selfish of Armin and Mikasa to go to college.”

She shifts so she is in front of me and takes my face in her hands.

“Sometimes, being selfish isn't a bad thing, Levi,” she tells me, “When it benefits others and yourself, it's a great thing. The world is a selfish place and even people who do nothing but good all their lives are doing it for selfish reasons. Being selfish is only bad when it hurts people around you and yourself. Someday, Eren will look back on this and be grateful that you and Mikasa and his parents were selfish.”

I look at her and realize that despite all her crazy tendencies, she's actually a smart person. I had always known this, but sometimes the information hits me anew. 

“He may have been through a lot more than you have, but that doesn't invalidate your pain. You love him and it hurts you. You can admit it and I would even recommend you telling him when he is well enough. Pain isn't something that can be measured and shouldn't be compared to others. You feel it, regardless of what you've been through. It may be different than the pain someone else feels, but it's not more or less.”

I can't look at her anymore and I pitch myself forward so my face is buried in her shoulder. She wraps her arms around me and I want to cry, but I find that I still can't.

Instead, I just wrap my arms around Hanji as she continues to soothe me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that was a highly emotional chapter to write for me just because I've gone through it.
> 
> A little moment between Hanji and Levi was needed and soon, we will get a moment between Erwin and Levi.
> 
> You guys have been such great fans so much and I love you all! Thank you for your continued support! You guys are just the greatest.


	41. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST, check out this fabulous art of [Erwin](http://highfunctioningwhovian.tumblr.com/post/95459436000/so-im-reading-louder-than-words-by) with his beloved peanut butter by [highfunctioningwhovian](http://highfunctioningwhovian.tumblr.com/)! Thank you so much and it's seriously awesome. Just look at that nerd with his peanut butter. <3  
> SECOND, I want to thank you all because this fic has hit 20,000 hits! You guys are the greatest! Thank you!!!!  
> Okay, continue reading!

The New Year's tradition hadn't changed, but this time, it was bigger than just my group of friends. Erwin had decided to invite Eren and his friends as well, which was fine by me.

“Do you know that last year my New Year's resolution was to go out with you?” I asked Eren.

“Well, I'm glad we had the same goal in mind then,” Eren grinned, “And we both succeeded.”

“That's good for you, but I still haven't gotten CPR certified,” Petra huffed, “I'm definitely going to do it this year.”

“Famous last words,” I muttered and Auruo laughed.

Petra glared at us before she said, “Just for that, you both are going to take classes with me.”

“Fuck that,” I said, sipping a drink.

“Why would I want to learn CPR?” Auruo complained.

“It's beneficial to know,” Petra told him, “You could save someone's life someday. Don't think you two are getting out of this. And Eren, you should come too!”

“I would, Petra, but I'm pretty busy with...stuff,” Eren said, not really convincing anyone.

“Me too,” I said.

“Same,” Auruo added.

“Bullshit,” Petra accused.

“Looks like you guys aren't getting out of this one,” Hanji laughed, “She's just going to keep nagging, you know that.”  
None of us got to answer because we were interrupted by Sasha and Connie, yelling that they brought booze and Cards Against Humanity.

“You're job was to bring snacks!” Jean said, “Mike was in charge of alcohol since he's the only one old enough to buy it. How did you even get that.”

“We robbed a convenience store!” Connie said and I couldn't tell if he was lying or not.

“And did you really think that I, Sasha Braus, would forget snacks?” she almost seemed offended as she produced a huge backpack that was probably full of snacks, “There's also potato salad that we left in the car as well as buffalo chicken dip with chips that will be enough for all of us.”

“Damn,” Eld pipes up, “I'm inviting you to every party.”

This year was a lot louder than previous years, but nobody seemed to mind. Most of the time, I sat with Eren's arm around my shoulders, content in just watching everyone getting progressively drunker.

We played Cards Against Humanity several times, Christa becoming the surprising champion. Ymir had never seemed prouder of her girlfriend.

“Hey, did you guys hear about Daz?” Gunter asked at one point, “Apparently he hasn't been home since the last day of school before Winter break.”

“That was over a week ago. Did he run away or something?” Marco asked worriedly.

“Nah,” Ymir answered, “That kid's too much of a scaredy-cat to do something like that. He nearly pissed himself once because the power went out.”

“Isn't he in band with you, Bert?” Reiner asked.

Bertholdt nodded and said, “He's a second chair clarinetist.”

“That's so weird...” Sasha said before shoveling her mouth full of food.

“Hannes is an officer and he said something about looking into the disappearance of some kid a couple days ago but he didn't say who,” Mikasa offered.

“Do you think it has anything to do with Miss. Langar disappearing a month ago?” Petra asked and we all fell silent at what that could mean.

According to rumors and the news, Miss Langar had stayed after school and the security cameras showed her going to her car but where her car was parked, there were no security cameras. And she hadn't even gone home either. As far as police could tell, no other cars had left the parking lot, but with minimal cameras in the parking lot, it left a wide window.

“Well, you guys are being awfully depressing!” Hanji said, clapping her hands together, “I'm sure that they will be fine! But let's not end the year on a bad note. We have a half an hour and we haven't said our resolutions yet!”

The party livened up considerably then, everyone quick to say their resolutions. Like last year, Erwin swore of peanut butter, and just like last year, nobody believed him.

Auruo and I end up resolving to take CPR with Petra because neither of us could think of anything better. Annie wanted to master Taekwondo as well as Judo. Eren wanted to properly learn Japanese rather than just knowing a few phrases. Hanji wanted to get into and ivy league school and we were all sure she would. It was a given that her, Erwin, and Armin would definitely have no trouble getting into any school they wanted.

Just before the countdown, Eren tugged at my sleeve and gestured towards the door. We tried to sneak out as discreetly as possible, but Armin noticed and had a smile on his face.

Eren takes me to his car and pulls a gift bag out of the backseat.

“Now, before you worry about how much it was, I got it half off,” he told me.

“That's always something you want to hear before you get a gift,” I grumbled but I took the tissue paper out and handed it to Eren rather than throw it on the snowy ground.

I pulled out his gift and stared at it, shocked and actually very elated.

“You got me a Roomba?” I asked disbelievingly.

“Uh, yeah,” Eren said, “I know it's lame, but you always get so excited when you buy a mop head or something and I figured it would make cleaning easier for you-”

“I love it, Eren,” I interrupted him, smiling, “Thank you.”

“Happy anniversary,” he said, “Well, I guess it's not our anniversary for another minute or two, but still, you get the point.”

I nodded and put the robot vacuum cleaner that I couldn't wait to use when I got home back in the bag as well as the tissue paper.

I suddenly felt really stupid about my gift. Even half price, it wasn't a cheap gift.

“Mine isn't as great as yours,” I said, pulling a small, long black box out of my coat pocket and handing

it to him.

He looked at me before opening the box. I almost laughed at the confusion that crossed his face.

“It's a...key,” he said.

“Um, yeah,” I said awkwardly, “It went to my great-grandmother's hope chest. She didn't need the key for it anymore when she got married so she just gave it to my grandfather, who kept it. Somehow, my mom got it before she was kicked out and I thought...that if I put it on a leather cord, who could wear it if you wanted to or something.”

I blamed it on the frigid air about how my cheeks were turning red.

“Levi...are you sure you want to give me a family heirloom like this?” he asked, awestruck.

“Well, yeah,” I told him, “It was just collecting dust and I thought-”

Eren wrapped his arms around me and squeezed tightly.

“This is the greatest present ever, Levi,” he said excitedly before releasing me and plucking the old brass key out of the box.

He put it on and it hung down onto his upper chest and I liked how it looked. Something from my family on him; it gave us a feeling of permanence and I rather liked it.

We could hear the screams of “Happy New Year!” from the house and we both chuckled before Eren pulled me in for a kiss.

“Happy New Year, Levi,” he mumbled against my lips.

I pulled away and smiled slightly.

“You too, and happy anniversary,” I told him and he looked ecstatic, “Now come on, it's freezing out here.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personal headcanon that Bertholdt plays the trombone and Reiner makes jokes like "TromBONE me" and "You can _main slide_ into me anytime".
> 
> Go ahead and hit me up on my tumblr, obsessionwithfiction, if you want to talk! :D


	42. Present

Going back to the hospital the next day was nerve-wracking and painful, but I do it anyway. I wasn't walking away from Eren, no matter what he said. I couldn't.

Eren is in a better mood over the next couple of days and he doesn't have to have his restraints on anymore. He is even well enough to be moved from the IU into a regular hospital room.

Still, he completely ignores all of us, seething and angry, but I had a feeling it was with himself rather than the rest of us. He was especially upset when the doctors refused to let him have his scarf, saying that it was a hazard for someone who had been admitted to the hospital for suicide.

My runs with Mikasa became routine, even after a few days. We never say anything, but the company is enough.

We usually run for five miles, two and a half before we double back, but today, it's sprinkling a bit, so we decide to head back early. Like always, it's silent except the pounding sound of our feet.

We get back to the house and Mikasa, as usual, lets me use the shower before I have to go to work.

I'm come down the stairs and walk into the kitchen with every intention of telling her that I'll see her again tomorrow, but she speaks first.

“Eren saved me,” she says quietly from her place at the kitchen table.

“What?”

She looks up at me with a grim expression.

“He saved me,” she repeats and I realize that there is more than just those words that she wants to speak.

I come over and sit in the chair across from her, running my hand through my still damp hair.

“Mikasa, I literally have no idea what the fuck you are talking about,” I tell her and she gives me a level look.

“Your mom never said anything?” she asks.

“About what?” I am genuinely confused and wish that she would get to the fucking point.

“Nevermind, she probably didn't know,” Mikasa mutters, “But it's about the day I lost my parents.”

I still at that. Eren had told me that his parents had adopted Mikasa after her parents had died, but he had also told me it wasn't his place to say what happened. I don't know why Mikasa is sharing this information with me now.

“It's not...hugely dramatic. It was something that could happen to anybody,” she says, looking down at the table, “We were coming home from a family trip. We were almost home. It was at that light just by the movie theater. Incidentally, Eren and his mom had just come out from seeing a movie.”

I am silent, waiting for her to continue.

“I guess Mom-Eren's mom, not mine- had forgotten something in the theater so she told him to wait by the doors. He saw it happen,” she tells me, “Drunk driver. I remember I was told it was some thirty year old man who had gotten cut off at the bar so he decided to drive home. It would have been bad enough it was just a regular car, but he was driving an SUV. He ran a red light and hit the side my mom was on. Snapped her neck. But instead of stopping like a normal person, he just kept barreling through. My dad would have survived, I know it, but then he was smashed into a telephone pole. He didn't die instantly like my mom did.”

She stops for a moment and I think that is everything she wants to say, but she continues.

“I remember everything. I heard my mom's neck snap and I could see the pole smash into my dad's door and into him. I was on the driver's side in the backseat. If I hadn't been, I probably would have died along with my mom. But instead, I got to see her die.”

She clenches a fist onto the table and I see that she is trying to fight tears.

“I was lucky, besides whiplash and the scratch on my cheek, I was fine,” she says, “Even after the telephone pole. I just unbuckled my seat belt and tried to get to the front of the car. There was...blood everywhere. I tried shaking my mom awake but it didn't work. Not only was her neck broken, but there were bones poking out of her and...”

She trails off, looking at me and making sure she isn't going too far with the description.

“I could smell gas. It was everywhere and it made me want to puke,” she murmurs, “Dad said something to me. I couldn't understand it and I started crying and screaming. And then I hear someone shout from behind me and I saw this kid that couldn't be any older than me at the window where I was. The glass was all shattered so I could see him just fine. He kept asking if I was alright and telling me to get out of the cat. I remember shaking my head and insisting that my dad needed more help than I did.”

She takes a shaky breath.

“Eren, climbed through the window then, getting all scratched up from the glass and started dragging backwards into the backseat. At that point, I didn't even try to fight him; I just went boneless and let him drag me out of the car. I remember him pulling me to the other side of the street where the movie theater was. Mom-I mean-Eren's mom was yelling at him for doing something stupid and dangerous but stopped when...well, I think it was from the telephone pole sparking, but one of the sparks ignited on the leaking gas and the cars just exploded. Not even the drunk driver survived.”

She stops and I wait for more but then I realize that she is done.

“Why did you tell me all that?” I ask.

She looks at me with watery eyes.

“The only two other people besides Eren that knows that is Armin and Jean,” she tells me and I understand.

She is accepting the permanence of my presence in not only Eren's life, but hers as well. She trusts me enough to tell about that day.

“Eren saved me,” she says again, “I don't even think he thought twice about going up to the car to see if anybody was hurt. I don't think he thought twice about getting in the car to drag me out. He just did it because that's the kind of person he is. After that, I went kind of numb. They were going to put me in the system, but Eren nearly pitched a fit and said that I should live with them. I was told later that I could have lived with a cousin and his mother but they were 'too financially unstable' to take care of me.”

That pisses me off because I know my mother worked hard everyday to get where she was at now and I never went without. She made sure of that.

“Everyone always thought it was creepy how protective I was over him,” she continues, “But when you owe your life to someone, it's kind of hard not to be. And I've failed twice in protecting him. I know it's not my job to, but I always wanted him to be safe. That's all I've ever wanted for him since he saved me.”

I don't know what to say. Mikasa's love for her brother runs deep and I understand the pain she feels in not being able to protect him.

I couldn't imagine being nine and watching my mother die. It's no wonder that Mikasa is so stoic and cold, or at least appears that way. Anyone would be after seeing what she had at such a tender age.

She wasn't obsessed with Eren. She was devoted. I know Eren used to complain about her smothering him, but she was doing what she could to show her love, to show how grateful she was for his act of brave kindness.

“Levi?” she asks after a moment, pulling me from my thoughts.

“What?”

“Can you tell me what happened with your dad? What made him such a terrible person that my parents didn't want anything to do with him or you?” she asks.

I inhale, knowing that she was only asking to understand. I know that she understands that I have every right to tell her to fuck off.

I don't.

“My dad-your uncle-raped my mom,” I tell her, “She was sixteen and walking home from a friend's house when he pulled her into some bushes or something.”

I'm surprisingly calm, despite how angry I normally feel whenever I think of the subject.

“She didn't want to tell because Kenny, that bastard, was really respected by a lot of people. My mom came from a really religious family and she knew that they would blame her and they also really liked Kenny, so she didn't say anything, thinking that she could live with it.

“Then, she found out she was pregnant. It would have been easier for her to get rid of me and just continue on her life, but for some stupid reason, she didn't. She came clean about the pregnancy, but she didn't say who. I always thought she should have, but she never did.

“Her parents kicked her out, saying she was a whore and she was going to hell. My mom didn't know what to do or where to go. She was a pregnant teen with no home. But then the Smith's came along and after buying her some food and hearing her story, took her in. Mrs. Smith was pregnant at the time too and said that she would be more than willing to have some extra help and be some help if my mom needed it.”

Mikasa watches me intently as I talk. Only Hanji, Erwin, and Eren know this. It isn't really my story to tell, but it is still part of me, no matter how I tried to think differently.

“Mom got her GED a couple weeks before I was born. Erwin was born two months before me and we've been pretty much inseparable ever since, even when Mom finally got the money to get her own place. I've never seen my dad, but I know that he was reported for rape by another teenage girl and went to jail, but I don't know where. I never cared to find him.My mom tried to get in contact with her own parents after that, finally telling the truth about Kenny, but as expected, they blamed her and wanted nothing to do with her or me.”

Mikasa bites her lip, thinking deeply over my words.

“I didn't know...” she says.

“It's alright,” I assure, “I doubt your parents knew about what happened to my mom. I'm sure they just thought she was someone he knocked up. He was pretty involved with a gang, so that's probably why they wanted you to stay away.”

“I always thought that your dad just left when things got hard with your mom,” Mikasa admits, “I always thought you were going to do the same with Eren. But you haven't. You aren't anything like Kenny. I was stupid to think so. I'm sorry.”

We fall into silence after that, thinking of all the things we had shared. I had never truly considered it before now, but she was my cousin. I knew it as a fact, but I had never thought of her as actual family.

“Mikasa,” I start and she looks up at me, “You and I...we're family alright?”

She looks at me before she smiles a little.

“Yeah, of course we are.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about how little Eren there is, but I can guarantee that the rest of the "Present" chapters will have a lot of him in them (except for one). I just really needed some Ackerman cousin bonding time and explanations to their pasts. Kudos to those who figured out what happened with Levi's mom.
> 
> Also, I made Mikasa's parent's death a lot less dramatic than them being murdered because I've been trying to keep the element of realism and relatablity in this fic. Drunk drivers are unfortunately common and having Eren becoming a killer in this fic wasn't something I really wanted to do. In canonverse, they live in a more hostile world, so Eren killing the thugs wasn't as far-fetched as it would be in today's setting. 
> 
> And let's be real, if Eren had killed anyone at nine in modern times, he would have been shipped of for psychiatric help.


	43. Past

“Hey, Levi?”

Eren was sitting with the back of his head against my chest and sitting between my legs, a Harry Potter book in Italian or Spanish or something on his lap while I was fiddling with an old mp3 player, the parts scattered on the coffee table. Most of our 'dates' were us just hanging out at either Eren's house or my house nowadays, but it was comfortable and neither of us felt like we had to dress in something to impress each other.

“Hmm,” I said distractedly.

I felt him shift and look up at me.

“Where are you going to college?” he asked.

College had been coming up a lot lately. Erwin had unsurprisingly gotten into Trost and Hanji had been accepted into Princeton which sounded like a fucking pretentious school, but she was excited enough and that was what mattered. I tried not to let it get to me that I was best friends with resident geniuses who actually had a clue about what they wanted to do with their lives, but it made me feel a bit...inferior.

“Dunno,” I responded, “I'll probably just go to the community college here until I figure out what I want to do.”

“I still think you should do something with technology,” he told me, “You're really good with this stuff.”

He gestured to the disassembled mp3 player and I couldn't deny that I had always had a proclivity for electronics, but I wasn't sure if it was something I wanted to pursue.

“Maybe,” I say noncommittally, “What about you? Have you thought about what college you want to go to?”

Eren looks back at his book and shifts.

“Well, I mean, I could get certified as a translator without going to college,” he answered, “So college wouldn't _really_ be necessary. I could go to a school that specializes in that field, but at this point, I think it would be a waste of time since I already know a bunch of languages.”

I considered the hidden meaning in his words.

“You don't want to go to college, do you?” I asked.

He craned his neck to look back up at me and this time, I looked down at him, even though the angle was awkward.

“...Not really. It seems like something that would just keep me in one place too long,” he confided.

I didn't know what to say to that. I knew he was a free spirit so it seemed reasonable, but him traveling all over the world where we wouldn't be able to see each other for long periods of time seemed daunting.

“But,” he continued, “I've been thinking about it a lot and I still want to see the world...but I wouldn't mind coming home to someone.”

If I didn't know any better, I would say that I was just indirectly proposed to by my sixteen-year-old boyfriend.

“I'm sure your mother would love to hear that,” I said teasingly, trying to relieve the tension I felt inside me.

Eren rolled his eyes.

“I suppose I should be more clear,” Eren said, “I wouldn't mind coming home to _you_ , asshole. Wherever that is. As long as I'm with you, I would be home.”

Every so often, Eren would say things that would leave me breathless and give me that same butterfly feeling I felt when we had first started dating and that would let me know that I still loved him just as much I did then.

“That's some fucking cheesy shit, Jaeger,” I grumbled but he only grinned at me, used to my inability to communicate my emotions, but I tried anyway, “But...that sounds really nice.”

“Don't strain yourself,” Eren says sarcastically, but I know he is only kidding.

I ignore him.

“I always thought you were one to not want a set home,” I said, returning my attention to the mp3 player, “Thought you wanted to see the world and not settle.”

“It's different,” Eren said, “It's different if it's you. I don't want to settle, at least, not for a long time, but it's different if I'm with you. And to be honest, I want you to travel with me, but I know that's selfish.”

I wasn't sure if I would ever get used to Eren's simple honesty.

“Maybe...someday we can,” I said, “It's not like I know what I'm going to do. Anything can happen in the future.”

Eren's grin could cure cancer, I swear. It wasn't just his smile, but the way it reached his eyes and you could see genuine joy in them. He was beautiful in every sense of the word and I was so very glad that I could have him in my arms whenever I wanted.

“Yeah, it can,” Eren responded, “But I definitely want that anything to happen with you.”

“Aren't you full of cheesy lines today?” I said.

“You love it,” Eren said confidently, knocking the back of his head against my chest.

Well, I couldn't deny that.

We were silent as we each returned to our work. Eren claimed that his reading the book was practice for his language skills.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I checked it before typing out a quick reply.

“Who was that?” Eren asked, not looking away from his book.

“Just my mom,” I answered him, “She was just checking up on me, making sure I was okay. She's been really on edge with the kidnappings recently.”

Eren actually looks up at that and seems troubled.

“It's actually getting creepy,” he said, “I knew Thomas and Franz. I mean, Franz was on the track team so I didn't know him as well, but his girlfriend is really upset. Thomas was on the team though...”

I could tell he was worried. I didn't know the kids as well as he did, but it was worrisome. Miss Langar still hadn't been found and neither had Daz. The possibility of those two being coincidence was now slim because of Thomas and Franz's disappearances.

“Don't you think its weird, though?” I asked and he gives me a quizzical look so I explain myself, “They are disappearing from our high school and nowhere else. It's a small town, yeah, but there is a private school here too and nobody has been taking from there.”

“Maybe it's coincidence?” Eren said, “I mean, most kids go to the high school, so there's that.”

“But why just the high school? Why not the middle school or any other adults?”

Eren didn't seem to have an answer.

“It just...smells like bullshit,” I said, “It's like whoever is behind this is specifically targeting the high school.”

“Maybe, but Hannes said that they had no leads,” Eren told me, “So whoever is doing this is doing a good job covering their tracks.”

I hummed but didn't say anything else.

“I heard that if this keeps up, the police are going to place a curfew for everyone and the school district might cancel any after school activities,” Eren said, “That would suck for baseball season though, but I get it.”

“Who did you hear that from?” I asked.

“A.T. told me. I saw him when I was at the bookstore picking up this book. He seemed really worried about Thomas,” Eren said.

“I'm sure he is,” I responded, “He seems really attached you guys so I'm sure that anybody missing from his team is worrisome.”

Eren hummed his agreement.

“You know, he had a son that died,” Eren said, “Carver, think his name was. He was about our age. It was over ten years ago, but I'm sure that these kidnappings are sort of triggering for him.”

“How did he die?” I asked, genuinely interested. I didn't pay much attention to the lives of teachers, but A.T. seemed like he was a bit clueless in all things life in a personable way, so it was hard to imagine that he had lost someone close to him like that.

“Dunno,” Eren shrugged, “He doesn't like to talk about it.”

I couldn't imagine talking about your dead son would be an easy subject for anyone to talk about.

“So, hey,” Eren said after a moment, his voice turning lighter, “My birthday is in a month. What are you going to get me?”

I looked down at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Who says you are getting anything?” I asked him.

“Ah, you're right,” Eren said wistfully, “I doubt anything could top the key I got for our anniversary.”

He was fiddling with it now and I smiled, glad that he wore it all the time.

“Probably not,” I agreed, “Might as well not even try.”

Eren physically shifted so he was facing me while sitting on his knees and fixing me with a glare.

“You better get me something,” he said threateningly, “If you don't...I'll probably break up with you.”

“Please,” I scoffed, “I don't believe that for a fucking minute.”

He pursed his lips and I could see the gears spinning in his head by just looking into his eyes.

“Fine, I won't,” he conceded, “But if you don't get me something, I won't put out for a month. Your right hand will be your best friend.”

“I'm left-handed,” I stated blankly.

“ _Fine_ ,” Eren huffed, “Your _left_ hand will be your best friend. God, you're such an asshole.”

I chuckled before I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips.

“Relax,” I told him, “You are definitely going to love your birthday present.”

“I always do,” he grinned at me before place his lips on mine again.

After a moment, he pulls away and gets out his phone.

“What are you doing?” I asked. Fuck, he really had no attention span at all.

“I want a new background,” he said simply, “Mine is still you with a platypus so I think it's time for new one.”

“So, what? You want one of the both of us?” I asked, “I'm not very photogenic, Eren.”

“Please?” he pleaded and I almost made the mistake of looking at him, but I knew once I did, I would see those fucking eyes and I couldn't say no to those eyes.

“I look terrible in pictures,” I insisted.

“Nope, you don't,” Eren told me, “I don't date ugly people.”

“I thought you thought Jean was ugly,” I said shrewdly.

He glared at me, “Date, Levi. _Date_. I never dated that horseface. And don't think you can change the subject. Please, just one picture.”

Against my better judgment, I looked at him and instantly relented. I really needed to build up an immunity against those eyes. And I'm sure he knew the power that his eyes held, that motherfucker.

“Fine,” I sighed and he grinned at me before throwing his arm around me and using his other hand to take the picture.

“Smile a little, Levi,” Eren commanded.

“Bright Eyes, you're just lucky I'm letting you take a picture at all,” I said.

“Fine, if you won't smile-”

He pulled my head towards his before his lips crashed onto mine. I was shocked at first, but I was never one to deny kisses with Eren, so I immediately melted into the kiss, closing my eyes and responding back to him.

All too soon, Eren pulled away and looked at his phone.

“Got it!” he said excitedly before showing me a picture. Both of us had our eyes closed and it was more than just a peck on the lips, but it wasn't too much in the way that we weren't full on making out. It was a kiss between lovers that wasn't raunchy, but definitely showed just how much we loved each other, even if it was only capturing the feeling for just a second.

“You fucking kissed me to get a picture?” I growled, and granted, I wouldn't be so upset if I wasn't sexually frustrated now.

“Yup,” Eren says happily, “You want me to send it to you?”

I looked at it again and felt a bit embarrassed that it was going to be his background, but I nodded.

“Yeah, I would like that.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to write the next 'Past' chapter, nooooo. I don't like this ride, I want to get off. It was all fun and games until I started suffering as well.


	44. Present

Something shifts between Mikasa and I and it feels something like trust. Or maybe it's respect. Either way, I can't complain. It's nice to become closer to her.

Eren notices this.

“ _You two seem to have gotten awfully close_ ,” he says suspiciously and all of us in the room try to hide our surprise. It's the first time Eren has actively stopped ignoring us and he looks at us like he expects and explanation.

Armin is the first to speak.

“Yeah, you guys do seem awfully chummy,” he says, “Something happen?”

Mikasa and I shrug. Apparently being cryptic runs in the family.

“We talked about stuff,” she says vaguely.

“We understand each other now,” I added.

Eren and Armin blink before looking at each other.

“What?” we both ask in unison, but that only makes both Eren and his best friend look a little disturbed.

“Uh...it's nothing,” Armin says, “It's just that you guys are kind of being creepy.”

“Creepy?” Mikasa furrows her eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” I ask for further clarification.

“ _Like that right there. What you just did_ ,” Eren signs, “ _It's creepy._ ”

“I literally have no idea what the fuck you are talking about,” I say.

“We aren't doing anything,” Mikasa insists, “We're just talking.”

Armin and Eren didn't look too convinced but didn't press the subject anymore. 

Armin seems to take advantage of the fact that Eren has finally stopped ignoring us and turns to him.

“Eren,” he starts in a serious tone and Eren shakes his head vigorously.

“ _No, Armin. Don't. Just don't_ ,” Eren says, looking tired.

“Look, I know you don't want to talk about it, but-”

Eren holds his hand up and clicks his tongue, trying to silence Armin and I honestly think that the laid back boy is going to drop it.

“DAMN IT, EREN, WE DESERVE SOME ANSWERS!” Armin shouts and we all jump back, shocked and stunned.

I had never heard Armin yell before and I vaguely remember that even the most even tempered people have a boiling point, and it looks like Armin just hit his.

Eren is blinking owlishly at the blond boy and breathes his name, just as dumbfounded as both Mikasa and I.

“I know it's been tough,” Armin says, looking at the floor, “But don't think you can just...try to commit suicide and expect everyone to drop it like it was just a cold you had. We've been here for you, we've all been here for you. We've been fucking _trying_ , Eren, but have you? You've grown complacent, Eren, and become a coward. When was my best friend a coward?”

Eren's expression turns deathly angry and before anybody can stop him, he's on his feet, the wires in his arms pulling out and he shoves Armin away.

I stand from my chair to do something, anything, but Mikasa's hand on my arm stops me. I look down to see her shaking her head, telling me not to interfere.

I turn to see Eren vibrating angrily. Despite the force he used to get out of the bed, his headphones are still in place as well as his iPod attached to the armband on his bicep.

“Fuck you,” Eren breathes, “Fuck you, Armin.”

Armin doesn't say anything, but his angry blue eyes are trained on Eren, challenging him.

Eren takes a breath and regains control of his hands, signing to Armin.

“ _You have no idea what it's been like. Not able to have a voice anymore,_ ” Eren signs, “ _To keep seeing their deaths in my head every fucking night. To know that the only reason you survived is because...because you were the favorite of a psychopath. You have no idea what he did to us, what he made us see._ ”

“So, what? You are just going to give up because of some fucking psycho?” Armin growls, “You've decided that he's going to dictate your future? You are going to let him control you even after he's dead?”

Eren squeezed his eyes shut.

“ _It's not like I have a choice! No matter what, I can't do anything. I'm going to have to live with these scars for the rest of my life and be reminded of him and what happened in that room and how I couldn't do anything. He took everything from me. My voice, my future, my sense of security..._ ”

“Did he take your ability to fight as well?” Armin asks in a hard voice and Eren stills, his hands falling to his side as he stares at Armin. 

The air is tense and nobody moves. Armin's words seem to have struck something within Eren and his eyes grow unfocused as they move from Armin to Mikasa and then finally to me.

A nurse came in then, breaking the atmosphere by only a little.

“Mr. Jaeger!” she scolds, “You are to have your IV in until the doctor says otherwise!”

She makes him get back in the bed and puts the IV back in, Eren wincing when she does. 

Nobody says anything as she checks his vitals and tells him than he can get up if he wants, but not to take his IV out again. 

She leaves the room, leaving the rest of us in silence as we process what just happened. Nobody says anything for a long while.

I've never seen Armin that angry and I hadn't even known it was possible. I had always seen him as an incapable boy in high school who would have been easily bullied had Eren not been around, but Armin had proved time and time again that he was just as capable as anybody else.

I look over to Eren and see that he is glaring down at the bed sheets, fisting his hands in them.

As if he senses my gaze, he looks up and has an expression I haven't seen in a long time: Determination.

He clicks his tongue to get Armin and Mikasa's attention before he signs, “ _You're right, Armin. I'm sorry._ ”

Armin visibly relaxes and his expression softens.

“Damn right I am,” he says jokingly and a touch of a smile graces Eren's features.

“ _It's just...really hard. And I'm not ready to talk about what happened but it's so hard being the only one who knows_ ,” Eren says, “ _And even if I did, you could never understand._ ”

Armin shakes his head and speaks.

“Understanding someone isn't about having the same experiences as another person. It's about being aware of someone's struggles and knowing when they need to talk or when they need to listen. It's about being patient with them but also know when that person needs a nudge in the right direction. It's about forgiving them when they aren't able to forgive themselves. I may have not been there Eren, but I can guarantee that I can understand what you went through.”

Armin reminds me of both Hanji and Erwin and I'm glad that Eren has a friend like him.

“You don't have to tell me what happened now,” Armin continues, “Hell you don't have to tell me ever. But tell _someone_. If you keep it up, you are just going to wind up in the hospital again.”

Eren bites his lip and looks close to tears but then wipes them away angrily and nods at Armin. Armin pauses before he nods back and I feel like I just missed something.

Armin sighs and turns, heading towards the door.

“Come on, Mikasa. Let's get some snacks from the vending machine,” Armin says and Mikasa looks like she's about to argue, but then looks between me and her brother before she nods and follows.

It's just me and Eren now. I pull up a chair and sit next to him in the hospital bed. He wanted talk to me alone, that much was certain, and Armin understood that.

Eren looks at me and I look at him. Neither of us say anything for a moment before he raises his hands and signs.

“ _Was it you who found me?_ ” he asks.

I had already answered this before, but I remember that he had no recollection of it.

“Yes,” I answer, “I got out of work early so I came over to see you. Mikasa had a class canceled so she was there too.”

He looks down before he looks back up at me.

“ _Why did you get out of work early_?” he asks and I realize that I still haven't told him about my new job.

“I...was offered a promotion as a manager,” I tell him, “Pixis sent me home to think about it.”

He blinks at me and I don't know what reaction I'm expecting. But then he smiles and it's fucking genuine this time.

“ _That's fantastic!_ ” he signs, “ _Did you take it_?”

I nod and he looks at me with an expression I feel like I should recognize but I can't place it.

“ _That's great. I'm happy for you_.”

“Eren,” I say and his head snaps up, smile fading at the tone of my voice, “I need to know why you did it. I don't want to pressure you, but I've been here for the past couple weeks wondering if it was my fault or if I should have noticed more and sooner and I can't stand it. Why would you want to leave...us?”

The unspoken question of why he would want to leave  _me_ lingers in the air.

Eren looks pained and fists his hands once more. To his credit, he doesn't avert his gaze and after a moment, he relaxes his hands so he can talk to me again.

“ _It wasn't anything you did_ ,” he tells me, “ _You've been perfect, Levi. Most people...they would have left a while ago. I could always tell that you were constantly worrying about me and I could tell that it would become too much for you sometimes, but you always put me first._ ”

“Of course I did, Bright Eyes,” I say like it's obvious, “I love you.”

Eren blushes but continues, “ _I think that it started at Connie's party. Everyone was being so welcoming and they treated me the same as they always had, but I was different. I had seen their friends die and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't help but think that while they could grieve and move on, I was stuck with the memories of them dying. And I hated that you all got off so lucky_ .”

I missed this. Speaking with Eren candidly without him brushing it off and acting like he was fine. I wanted to add so much already, but I wasn't about to interrupt him.

“ _I think that's when I first got the clue I couldn't stay, but then you come in, just holding me like the fucking amazing person you are and I knew that if I had to leave, it would break you and that hurt me. So I tried to hold on._

“ _I felt so suffocated. I had my dream ripped away from me and I couldn't do anything about it. I lost all direction in life. When you asked me to come to the funeral with you, I was happy because I knew you saw me as your equal and not some person that you had to take care of. You were careful, yeah, but you didn't treat me like a child. I knew you meant it when you said you loved me, but I missed you saying it._

“ _But then you got that multi-million dollar check and that's when I knew you would be fine if I wasn't around. It wasn't your fault at all, but I felt so tired of holding on when I knew nothing was going to change. So I stopped trying to get better because I'll never get rid of these memories. I'll never be able to speak again. I'll always have this fucking ugly scar.”_

He lifts his hand and touches the scar on his neck, feeling the grooves of the healed tissue. I watch him until he drops his hand and looks at me impishly.

“Why wait?” I ask simply and I know that he won't take it the wrong way.

“ _Because I wanted all of your last memories of me to be good ones_ ,” he answers, “ _I wanted Mikasa to remember watching crappy Spanish soaps in another country. I wanted Armin to remember falling asleep with me by the ocean. I wanted you to remember that kiss._ ”

“A fucking goodbye kiss,” I mutter and he nods.

He had planned to take his life after the trip. All his behavior made sense. At that point, he had given up and wanted us to be happy so he would feel better about killing himself.

“You didn't think your plan through,” I say and he looks up at me, furrowing his eyebrows, “Our last memories of you wouldn't have been Belize. It would have been you in a coffin and I can guarantee that would have been much more prominent in our minds for a long, long time.”

He sighs and looks away from, watching out the window.

“ _Armin is right, though_ ,” he says after a moment, still not looking at me, “ _A.T. took everything I had to give, but I never stopped fighting when I was there. That is the one thing he couldn't take away from me, but it's something I took away from myself. I'm a fighter_.”

“And that's why you survived,” I say.

He looks over at me calmly and I can see worlds swirling in his eyes and I am afraid that I've said something wrong.

“ _That's not the only reason_ ,” he says, but the look on his face tells me not to ask anymore questions.

I look over and see Eren, just really see him. He's still got long hair and the scar on his neck and he won't take out his earphones, but he is still the same person underneath the pain and the fear. He's the person I fell in love with that never let anything get in his way until recently, but I can tell that Armin's words had an effect on him.

“Eren, what are we?” I ask. It's the question that has been plaguing me for months. I wouldn't walk out of his life if the answer was unfavorable, but I want to know where we stand. What am I to him? What does he think of my presence?

“ _What do you want us to be?_ ” he asks hesitantly and I shake my head.

“You know the answer to that,” I tell him, “You've always known that. What do _you_ want?”

That's more important at this point. I know things will never be the same as they once were, but I want to rebuild. I am more than willing to be by his side platonically if that is what he wishes, but I can't drop the sliver of hope that we can rebuild or relationship together. That he can rely on me and maybe we could still travel and I could still be his home. That we can relearn to love each other.

“ _I want to be yours_ ,” he says and for the first time in forever, I get what I'm dreaming of. My heart starts beating faster and I look at him with wide eyes and he smiles at me tentatively.

“Really?” I ask breathlessly.

At this, he grins and nods. He motions for me to come closer, and I think that he is going to say something into my ear, but instead, he takes my face into his hands before watching me closely, silently asking permission.

I close the distance and kiss him, making sure to make up for lost time. This time, our kiss feels exactly like our first kiss, only with the feeling of nostalgia and the knowledge that no matter what we do, we will always be in love with each other.

Eren deepens the kiss and I let him, leaning forward even more so I can grasp his shirt with one hand and tangle my hand in his hair with my other.

People say love comes and goes and I used to believe that, but there is something about having a bond that you can never let go of. What Eren and I have is more than love. It's something much deeper and stronger. It's something that could last through several lifetimes and universes. It's funny that despite how small I am, I hold endless amounts of love for the man I am kissing.

Eren pulls away and I open my eyes as he presses his forehead against mine. He doesn't open his eyes, but I watch him closely as if this all might disappear if I'm not too careful.

Then, quiet as a gust of wind, I hear him breathe, “It's time I start fighting for what I want again.”

* * *

 

Two days later, the doctors tell Eren that he is fine and he can go home, but they strongly recommend that he go to the local psychiatric treatment facility to ensure a full healthy recovery.

The next day, Eren is transferred there for the sixty day treatment they provide, ready for the rigorous journey of recovery to begin.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *fist pumps the air* Finally, you two, finally. But this isn't the end by far.
> 
> And true friends call you out so a thousand points to Armin.
> 
> Bonus points to all of you guys who caught the multiple song references I used in this chapter.


	45. Past

Petra somehow managed to rope both Auruo and I into taking her CPR class by secretly signing us up and paying the fee. I supposed I should have been annoyed, but I had nothing better to do. The only time I actually went out were to be with Eren and I figured it would be a bad thing to learn.

So, starting in March, all three of us went to the CPR class every Wednesday at the library. It was held in a conference room and most of the other people were older. I couldn't help but cringe at how dirty the dummies looked either.

“You're just too picky,” Eren laughed when I told him this before one of my classes near the end of March.

“Excuse me for liking things to be clean,” I snapped at him and he only grinned.

It was the end of the day and I was standing at Eren's locker, talking to him before Petra tracked me down and dragged me to our class.

“Are you going to tell me what my birthday present is yet?” Eren asked, closing his locker and leaning against it, facing me.

“No, and if you keep asking, you won't get it,” I told him and from the way he looked at me, I knew he didn't believe me.

A new aquarium had opened up in Trost. I had actually managed to get tickets for the opening day, which was actually Eren's birthday, courtesy of Mike. Even if Trost was a few hours away, I knew Eren would be thrilled to go and it excited me a bit to see Eren's reaction.

“Can I guess?” he asked and I rolled my eyes.

“Fine, but you won't figure it out,” I told him.

“Will you tell me if I guess right?”

“Probably not,” I answered honestly and he pursed his lips in frustration.

“Is it a pony?” he asked seriously

I could only stare at him and wonder how I ended up dating this guy.

“Why the fuck would I get you a pony?” I inquired incredulously.

“Why not?” Eren grinned cheekily, “But then again, I know the only thing you want me riding is you, so nevermind.”

At that, I flicked him on the forehead but he only laughed.

“You're such a fucking perv,” I accused.

“Says the guy who makes shit jokes,” Eren retorted and I couldn't disagree with him there.

I shrugged, not really willing to change my sense of humor.

“If it bothered you, you would have said something,” I said and he nods, agreeing with me.

“Okay...is it a material gift?” he asked.

I hesitated in answering but then decided to tell him, “No.”

“So are we going somewhere?”

I figured he would know that when he got in the car. I didn't have to tell him where we were going though.

“Yeah, and don't even bother trying to guess anymore. I'm not going to say anymore,” I said.

Eren furrowed his eyebrows, trying to think of where we could go in Shiganshina that would constitute as a present. If I was lucky, he would just think we were going out on a special date or something.

“Levi!”

Petra's voice reached us and I saw her approaching with Auruo in tow.

“Hey,” I greeted.

“Don't 'hey' me. We're going to be late if we don't leave soon. You can have your booty call later,” she huffed.

Eren turns a bit red but I can only roll my eyes.

“Okay, okay, I'm coming,” I said.

“Eren, you can come too if you want,” Petra told him, “If you have nothing better to do.”

Eren smiled.

“Thanks, but I actually have plans,” he said, hitching his backpack up, “Marco and Mina invited me to get some frozen yogurt with them after yearbook club today.”

“Eren, you're lactose intolerant,” I stated, not knowing if he remembered this fact about himself or not.

“Doesn't mean I can't enjoy some creamy frozen heaven,” he smiled, in a daze and licking his lips.

“Fine,” I sighed, starting to walk away from him, “But don't come crying to me when you get the runs.”

I hear Eren laugh from behind me.

“Don't worry, I will! Talk to you tonight!”

I raised a hand and waved lazily, glad to hear that he would be calling tonight.

Petra and Auruo bickered over little things the entire way to the library and I figured it was one of those days for them.

As we entered the library, I looked over at the bulletin board where the missing people were placed. Normally, there were only one or two from bigger cities surrounding Shiganshina that we never had to worry about, but now there are flyers with everyone who had been taken.

I remember Eren pointing out Franz's girlfriend, Hannah, to me one time. She looked so lonely and lost and almost as if she hadn't slept in days. I couldn't help but sympathize with her. If someone had taken Eren, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

The class covers rescue breaths this time, reminding us that they aren't necessary unless we feel comfortable doing them, but only after thirty compressions.

The man who talks has a boring, monotone voice and I struggle to stay awake and listen to what he says. Thank fuck this guy wasn't one of my teachers in school. Then we would have had a problem.

The class ends and I drop off Petra and Auruo before going home myself. I knew that Eren wouldn't be home for a while since he was probably just leaving the school and heading to the frozen yogurt place.

I pull out my phone and send a quick text to him.

_try to at least get dairy free frozen yogurt, idiot_

He doesn't respond and probably won't look at his phone until he gets home, so I start on my homework.

Soon enough, however, I fall asleep on top of my books, phone in hand and waiting for Eren's call to wake me up.

* * *

 

A knocking at my door along with my mom's voice woke me up.

"Levi?"

I sat up hoping that I didn't get  drool on my homework.  I looked over to my clock and see that its a little past one in the morning. Why was my mother waking me up in the middle pf the night?

"What?" I asked as I stood, trudging over to my door tiredly. I wondered if I missed Eren's call. I would have to apologize to him the next day when I saw him. Unfortunately, it wasn't the first time I slept through his call.

"Is Eren in there?" she asked and I opened my door, knowing that I probably had terrible bed head, but I didn't really care.

What I did care about is the worried look my mom had on her face. 

"Why would Eren be here at midnight?" I asked incredulously. 

My mom bit her lip and craned her neck to see into my room as if Eren would pop out at her.

"Levi, I'm not going to be mad if he sneaked in," she said, "But I really need you to tell me the truth right now."

I was annoyed by then.

"I  _am_ telling the truth!" I said in an irritated tone, "Seriously, why would Eren be here."

My mom didn't answer and I was suddenly aware how she was in her pajamas and she looked as if she had just woken up as well.

"Mom...?"

"Levi, can you come downstairs with me, please?" she said in a chillingly serious tone and I can't help but feel dread well up inside me. I refrained from asking any more questions as I followed after her. Something was very, very wrong and I wanted to deny the possibility that it had something to do with Eren.

When we got downstairs, my mom lead me to the leaving room and I saw the last person I would expect to be in my house, pacing nervously. It was Mr. Jaeger.

"Uh..." I managed and he snapped his attention to us.

"Levi," he said desperately, "Levi, please tell me my son is here."

Breathing was getting hard. No, this couldn't be happening. This was a joke and it was in poor taste.

"I don't-"

"Eren isn't here," my mother told him, "I'm so, so sorry."

"What is going on?" I asked, not really wanting the answer.

"Where did Eren go?" Mr. Jaeger asked with wild eyes, "When was the last time you saw him?"

I was trembling but I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and answered hollowly, "He was at school. He said he was going to get frozen yogurt with his friends after yearbook club."

Mr. Jaeger grips his hair tightly and sinks onto the couch, agony on his face.

"No..." I breathe, "No, tell me you're kidding. Please tell me that he put you up to this or something and this is his idea of getting back at me for not telling him his birthday present. Tell me this is Mikasa's idea of a prank. Something!"

"We've been all over town...Mikasa is distraught," he muttered brokenly I shook my head violently.

"No!" I yelled, "Tell me where Eren is!"

I felt my mom's hand on my shoulder but I didn't pay any attention to her. My attention was trained on the man in front of me. 

When did my lungs get so small? Why isn't the room staying still? When was my heartbeat so loud?

"I don't know," he said, not looking up at me, "He never came home."

And my world crumbled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of your reactions to Armin last chapter were interesting. I wonder what you will think of him next chapter :3
> 
> And in relation to several asks I've gotten today that I haven't answered because I've been working and a few comments:
> 
> Yes, it might seem more one sided, but consider that we are looking through Levi's limited view. Levi can't read minds, so the internal battle inside Eren is hidden to him.
> 
> Eren isn't 'cured' and when I said that the ending would be bittersweet, I meant it. Last chapter had a happy moment and it was the start of a journey, but by no means was that a full recovery.
> 
> On the subject of Armin...well, Armin always has a plan. Don't forget that. And I personally wish I had had an Armin.


	46. Present

“If you guys are going to make gooey eyes at each other all day, I'm going to stop scheduling you together,” I say to Isabel and Farlan.

It's only been about three weeks since Eren was released from the hospital and checked himself into treatment facility. Despite the resolution Eren came to and our kiss, something was brewing beneath the surface after the first couple days he was there.

I can sense it, even though I don't know exactly what it is. It's a shift in something and I haven't been able to figure out if it is good or bad.

“Big Bro!” Isabel whined and I shake my head at her.

“Don't do that,” I sigh, “You are supposed to be training the newbie.”

Pixis had hired a new person to take my place as a regular worker. Dita is capable and a hard worker and efficient at what he does. He takes his job seriously as well, but he blends into the light-hearted atmosphere that we have here.

“Fine, fine,” she huffs, “Hey Dita, you wanna learn how to dismantle a computer the same way I'm going to dismantle the patriarchy.”

“Izzy, do your job!” I hear Farlan scold her and I roll my eyes, going out to the front of the shop to see if we have any customers.

Surprisingly, we do and it's someone I recognize.

“Armin?” I ask and he turns to me.

“Hey, Levi!” he says.

I go over to the wall that he's at and see he's looking at DVD players.

“Looking for something in particular?” I ask.

“No, my grandfather just wanted me to get a new DVD player since the old one broke. Figured I'd get one from here rather than go to Best Buy,” he answers, smiling brightly at me.

“Good choice,” I tell him, glad that someone has the sense not to go to that fucking store.

I help him with his selection, knowing that he probably just wants a cheap one without any special features. Once he decides, I bring the box over to check him out, telling him about our warranties and the store's personal guarantees.

“By the way, I haven't seen you visit Eren in the past couple days,” I say. I know that Annie has had several visits as well as Reiner and Bertholdt and even Connie and Sasha went to see Eren. Hanji even went with me a few times. Erwin, who had just completed his term, had yet to see him, however.

“Ah, well,” Armin says, scratching the back of his head absently, “That's because he asked me to stop coming.”

I'm shocked. Armin said it so easily but I can't help but wonder why the hell Eren would ask his best friend to not visit him.

“What the fuck? Did he tell you why?” I ask, not comprehending Eren's behavior.

Armin smiles a bit before he shakes his head.

“He didn't have to,” Armin answers, “I know why, and I expected it.”

I look at him and wait for him to explain.

“It's because of what I said in the hospital,” Armin tells me, “He resents me for it.”

I'm not following at all. Eren seemed thankful at the time. Why would he resent Armin for his words, even if they were harsh.

“At the time, it was what he needed to hear,” Armin explains, “He needed someone to tell him not to give up and not say it gently. And he realized I was wrong.”

“Wrong?” I ask.

“About people being able to understand him,” he tells me, “He realized that I was wrong about people going to be able to understand what he went through. At least, not the full extent. Nobody will truly know the depths of his pain.”

“If you knew it was wrong, why did you say it?” I ask.

Armin smiles disarmingly and I feel like he was a couple steps ahead back in that hospital room.

“If I hadn't said any of those things, he would still be wallowing in misery. No offense, Levi, but you and Mikasa would have just fed into that,” he says and I take a little bit of offense anyway, “My words, no matter how false they were, made him want to prove me and that sicko of a coach wrong. That was my goal. He got angry and he became determined again. If he ends up hating me, I know that it was a valuable sacrifice to make. I would rather have him resent me and fight to be alive than love me and want to die.”

I didn't have anything to say to that. Armin was willing to give up his friendship in order for Eren to live.

“Of course, I still want us to be friends,” Armin says quietly, “But it would be worth it.”

“Don't you think...” I started before I cleared my throat and started again, “Don't you think that you made him feel lonely and that he can't count on you?”

Armin actually smiles and laughs at that and takes the bag from the counter that his DVD player is in.

“He knows he can count on me. I've told him and knows,” he tells me, “And if Eren feels lonely, that's not my fault. He is the one that sent _me_ away. I'm still here, ready to help him with anything. I can't make Eren feel anything unless he wants to feel that way.”

I can't help but disagree with Armin but I don't say anything. There are times when you can't help but feel something.

I realize that Armin is much less emotional than most people. He lets his mind guide him rather than his feelings and it's a bit terrifying.

Armin turns to leave.

“Tell Eren I said hi,” he throws over his shoulder, “And thanks for the help!”

I stare after him as he exits, leaving me a swirl of confused emotions. I wish this whole issue was white and black, but it seems as if it's nothing but a gray area and I can't help but wonder if Armin's decision was right. 

Still, he was so convinced that he was right, he was willing to risk something important to him.

I walk to the back to see how things are progressing, thinking over my conversation with Armin and wondering about Eren. I could only hope that those two would be able to find a middle ground.

* * *

 

I see Eren the same day, coming during visiting hours and he looks somewhat relieved to be getting a break. The place has a nice garden that patients seem to relax in and usually, Eren and I take walks through it, Eren telling me about what has been happening. He still isn't allowed to have his scarf, which by this point I think is ridiculous, but I can't change the rules.

Eren still sees his regular therapist, Rico. He had said that he felt more comfortable with her than the ones the facility provided.

Today, however, I notice that Eren seems frustrated and angry. Over the past few days, I could tell something was building up inside him. The people in charge had said that he had been having a hard time with dealing with his past and his anxiety, but they couldn't go into detail without breaking confidentiality.

“Everything alright, Eren?” I ask as we sit down on a bench that gives us some privacy.

He nods but I can tell he is lying.

“You know you can tell me anything,” I say to him and he nods once more.

“ _Just give me some time, okay_?” he asks and its a lot better than him assuring me that it's nothing.

“Okay,” I tell him and he seems grateful.

We sit in silence for a bit, but I can still tell he is agitated, so I start talking about how I am going to start online schooling soon to get my IT degree and he listens.

“Even though I'll be in college, I want to take you on another vacation once you get better,” I tell him, “Just the two of us this time, if you want.”

I hear him intake a breath of air with a hiss and I look over at him.

“ _Better_?” he signs and I can feel hostility coming from him.

“Yeah...better,” I say, confused and his eyes narrow at me.

“ _Levi, do you think that I'm going to be released after sixty days and be magically non-suicidal_?” he asks and I don't know what to say, “ _Are you really that blind_?”

“Eren, this place is supposed to help you,” I say, “I didn't mean...”

He lets out a breath of disbelief before he stands up and starts pacing in front of me.

“Eren...?”

He stops in front of me and stares at me.

“ _That's all I keep hearing from everybody. That I'll be 'better' when I get out of here. That things are going to change. That my fighting is going to erase the memories of the past_ ,” he signs so quickly that I nearly miss it, “ _Do you know what? Fuck all of you. Yeah, I'm alive, great, but what the actual fuck, Levi. You are acting as if we can go back to before. All of you are assuming that this place is going to make me into the person I used to be. I hate to tell you guys, but that's never going to happen_.”

I'm quiet watching what he has to say, a sense of guilt starting to weigh upon me.

“ _Do you realize that Jean hasn't come to see me once? Mikasa won't say why, but I know the reason. It's because he hates the fact that I tried to throw away what Marco never got. What a joke.”_

He laughs silently without humor.

“ _And for all of Armin's pretty words at the hospital, he can't understand. He said the shit that would get my ass in gear, but he is wrong. Jean is wrong. You are wrong. You think that you can understand, you think that things will get better once I talk, but I know for a fact they won't. All of you would rather me live with nightmares and guilt and a half-life than find the peace I wanted. And like a fucking dog, I let you tell me that I just needed to trust you guys with the information and it will get easier_.”

“Eren, I...” I don't know what to say. Words of comfort aren't my forte.

“ _Just...stop,_ ” he signs, “ _I've been letting you guys tell me how you feel about the whole thing. About how grateful you are that I survived the kidnapping and then my failure at killing myself. But you know what, I'm not grateful. I love you guys more than anything, but I can't tell you how terrible it feels that you all are trying to change me into who I used to be. I've changed. Things have changed and I'm never going to be the boy I was before. And that's who you are in love with, Levi. You've been holding onto this stupid hope that I'm going to become the boyfriend that would come to your house on New Year's day and proclaim his love or goad you into picking up a fucking platypus._

“ _And the thing is, you just_ _ **don't**_ _understand what it's like, wanting to die every single minute. You can't begin to know why I want to die_.”

“Then tell me,” I whisper, “Tell me Eren, help me understand.”

Eren shakes his head scornfully before looking off to the side. My eyes never leave him, waiting for him to say something, anything.

He snaps his head to face me when he responds.

“ _You found me_ ,” he says, “ _You remember what it felt like to see me laying in bed with a bunch of pills? You remember what it felt like when my heart stopped? You remember what it felt like when you were waiting in the hospital, wondering if I would live or die?”_

Of course I remember. Those were the worst moments of my life. I felt terror, agony, and the fear that the last light in my life had been snuffed out. I felt lost and directionless and I knew that I would would never recover if Eren died.

“ _That's how it feels for me all the time_ ,” he says and I look at him, eyes widening, “ _Only ten times worse. And the worst part is, you've all made me feel guilty for wanting to die. I'm constantly suffocating, constantly trying to stay afloat when I'm fucking impaired and you all have these sunny faces on. I'm_ _ **so**_ _sorry that you've had it_ _ **so**_ _rough when dealing with this while I am trying to live after seeing my friends get ripped apart. It must be horrible for you_.”

He's scoffing at the last part he signs and I know he is being sarcastic.

And I come to the startling conclusion that neither one of us are wrong. It's not wrong for me to want him to live, but is it wrong for him to want to die? 

“ _I can tell you what happened until I'm blue in the face, but it won't change anything_.”

“What am I supposed to do?” I ask quietly, “Am I supposed to be okay with you dying too young?”

“ _Everyone is too young to die, but we do it anyway_ ,” he signs and I remember me speaking those words so long ago.

I shake my head.

“ _See, you keep making my life about you_ ,” Eren says, “ _That's all you all keep saying. Live for your friends, live for the life you have in front of you. Hell, I've even been told that what I did was a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Who are you to judge how 'temporary' my problem is? I can tell you that nothing about what has happened with me is temporary._ ”

My mouth is dry and I'm at a loss as to what to say. We stare at each other for a couple moments before I realize that I'm a bit angry, but I don't let it take over.

“Eren,” I start, “Don't you _ever_ say that I'm in love with the person you used to be ever again. Past or present, I'm in love with you, no matter what. People change all the time and I'm not going to let anything change my mind about loving you. Do you honestly think that I would have stuck around if I was just in love with the person that didn't have scars?”

He looks at me, anger still blazing in his eyes, but I'm not done.

“But, I've never said any of those things,” I say quietly, “I know it's not really me you are angry at.”

A beat of silence passes before I continue.

“I understand wanting to die. When you went missing, I didn't think I could ever live without you. I didn't want to,” I tell him, “But, my friends were there for me. Maybe I don't understand fully, and I will admit it, but I want to. I want to help you with whatever I can. I know that I didn't see the things you did or feel the pain you felt, but I wish I could have shared the burden with you, if only to see you a little happier. And just because you are impaired, it doesn't make you incapable.”

Eren's anger seems to be seeping away and he is actually listening to me and I can only hope that my words are getting through to him.

“I know things won't be the same. In all honesty, I never thought that you would want to be with me again so us being together again is more than I could have ever hoped for,” I say, “But I'm sorry. I have been treating things like they will return to what they will be. I'm just not sure how to...do this anymore.”

Eren lets out a breathy laugh.

“ _Me neither_ ,” he admits.

“Neither of us are wrong,” I tell him, “But neither of us are completely right either. I'm not ignoring the fact that you probably won't ever fully recover from what happened, but do you regret living that much?”

He looks at me, his expression blank but I can tell he is thinking over my words.

“And your life isn't anybody's to dictate, but your decisions affect everyone. So of course we don't want you to die because we love you,” I say before gathering the courage to ask a question I have already asked, “If it were me, would you let me die. If I had seen the things you had, would you want me to kill myself?”

He stares at me with wide eyes, looking appalled that I would ask the question and I know that I'm very close to a line that he's drawn and it's very likely he will get angry again.

Instead, he does something unexpected.

“ _Wait here_ ,” he tells me before he walks off, leaving me alone.

I don't know how to react and I'm not sure if I should be surprised that he ignored my question, but I do as he says anyway.

He comes back soon enough, holding an envelope in his hand. He extends his arm out, offering it to me.

I take it and feel that it's kind of thick. I look up at him, waiting for an explanation.

“ _I wouldn't want you to die_ ,” he says before gesturing towards the letter, “ _Don't come back until you've read that. It's important that you read it_.”

He bends down to give me a kiss on the cheek before he walks away, leaving me yet again. I look down at the envelope in my hands and I know what it is. I am terrified to even open it, but I know that Eren trusts me with this and like he said, it's important that I read it.

I leave after that. There is no point in staying since Eren ended the visit and obviously wants some time to himself after our talk.

I go home, my new home that I have fully moved into by now, and it's dead silent. I feel the weight of the letter in my hand and I can't help but want to put it somewhere and leave it for a couple of days, but I know it wouldn't change anything.

I try to relieve some nervous energy by cleaning, but it doesn't work since my mind keeps returning to the letter.

Finally, I man the fuck up and take the envelope and sit on the couch. I rip oven the letter and take out the many pieces of paper seeing that it's written rather than typed.

I smooth them so they are unfolded, take a deep breath, and begin to read.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the next chapter is going to be from Eren's POV written in letter form. We finally get a reveal as to what happened with Eren and I'm really hoping I don't disappoint. :3
> 
> It's going to be pretty heavy and graphic so just be prepared.


	47. Past

_Levi,_

_So, Rico said that it would be a good idea for me to tell someone about my experience, and as much as I don't want to, I know she's right. I totally am going to have several breakdowns while writing this, but I guess it needs to be done._

_When it came to choosing who to tell, you were the first person that popped into my head, because honestly, I don't think I ever want to tell my family. It will just make them sad. I mean, it will make you sad too, but you are the only one I trust enough with this information and not coddle me afterward._

_I guess I'm just stalling now so I'll get right to it._

_I remember everything about that day. March 20 th, ten days before my birthday and I was counting down._

_I woke up and fought with Mikasa over how long she was taking in the bathroom, had breakfast, got picked up by you, made out a little, then went to school._

_It wasn't a really interesting day. I slept through Chemistry. Normally, I would have gotten a detention for that, but I wasn't caught._

_I made plans to go to the frozen yogurt place with Marco and Mina after yearbook club. I asked you to come, but you were already going with Petra and Auruo to do that CPR training thing._

_It's funny, because I can remember you saying to me “Don't come crying to me when you have a hard time shitting later” but I knew that you were genuinely concerned. You didn't look back as you waved, but it was one of those things where you are just so positive you will see the person the next day, you don't really think about it._

_Mina said we were a cute couple and I blushed, but agreed with her. Damn, Levi, I was really fucking in love with you._

_We got our yogurt and ate there and started to walk back. None of us had the money for a cab because we were idiots and spent it all on frozen yogurt. Normally, I would have the car that I saved up for, but it was getting work done on it. It wasn't so bad walking either way._

_That's when Coach A.T. showed up. He probably was waiting for us or something, but he seemed to be genuinely surprised that he saw us._

_He asked if we needed a ride and we didn't really see a reason to say no. We got in the car like the idiots we were. Or maybe we were just too trusting, I don't know._

_He asked us if he could stop buy his place real quick and help him bring in some boxes. Since his place was on the way to where we were heading, there wasn't really an issue. Mina was going to Marco's place which wasn't too far from mine, so it would only take a couple of minutes longer to get home than I had told my mom. I didn't think it was a big deal._

_He said it so nonchalantly and so...coach-like. We had known this guy for years and it didn't seem like a weird request at all, Levi._

_So we fucking said yes._

_I had told my mom that I would text her whenever I was going somewhere because she was worried about Thomas and Daz's disappearances, and I wish I had. Just a text saying “Hey! I'm with Coach A.T. right now!” would have been great. But I'm a dumbass and I didn't._

_Now that I think about it, A.T. was really smart about the whole thing. He had even asked us if we had texted our parents saying that we would be home later than expected. Marco and Mina's phones were dead, I guess, and I said that my mom was expecting me home later anyway, so she would be okay. It was such a dumb thing to say. So fucking stupid._

_We got to his house and we unloaded the boxes and brought them into his house. There weren't very many, but they were heavy. He even helped._

_I look back on it now and see so many warning signs. Like how he had made sure not to pull up to us when we were sure not to be seen getting in his car. He kept looking around for neighbors as we unloaded his car, even though he lived in a nearly deserted culdesac. He told us that we could keep our school bags in the car because we wouldn't be long. It was all fucking there, but we trusted him, blindly and stupidly._

_After we were done, he offered us some lemonade._

_He told us he made it from scratch and it was his mother's recipe and it was the first time he made it. He sounded so proud of himself. That asshole._

_I remember thinking 'Who the fuck makes lemonade in March?' but I accepted a glass anyway._

_It was sour. Really, sour. But we all pretended that it was good because he acted like he would be crushed if we told him it was terrible. Mina was the only one who said something like, “It's delicious. My mother uses a bit more sugar though.”_

_In the end, Marco drank the least. I remember him saying once that he hated lemonade, but true to form, he was being overly nice and drinking it anyway._

_It wasn't until my head started getting a bit fuzzy and my tongue got heavy and my limbs felt like jelly that I started to notice something was up. I was a little slow on the uptake, I know, but I had just been thinking I was tired._

_Mina said something that I wasn't paying attention to and A.T. pointed in the direction of the bathroom. She stood, but then stumbled and fell. Marco rushed over to her but I stayed where I was._

_I remember thinking things like, 'What's happening?' and 'I need to get home' but all of that stopped when Marco looked up at A.T. with fear in his eyes._

_Marco looked so betrayed and scared that my heart was pounding, even though I wasn't completely sure why._

_It wasn't clear until Marco accused A.T. of drugging us._

_'Coach would never drug us,' I thought, 'Why would he do that?'_

_Marco stood, wobbly, trying to drag Mina along with him. Suddenly, and I don't know where he got it from, but A.T. pulled out a frying pan and quick as anything, smashed it against the side of Marco's face. He crumbled to the ground instantly, Mina dropping with him but letting out a small, terrified cry of his name._

_A.T. attacking Marco made the situation more real for me, so when he turned towards me, I stumbled out of my chair and tried to get out of the house. If I could get out, I could get help._

_But my fucking legs weren't working and I couldn't even scream properly._

_I didn't make it very far before A.T. was wrapping his arm around my torso and stuffing a cloth in my face._

_I tried to remember not to breath, but before I knew it, I was out._

_When I woke up, I couldn't process anything at first. I knew I was cold and I was laying on something hard._

_I opened my eyes and saw that there was only a single light bulb in the ceiling, providing a dim light. As if that didn't scare me enough, I realized I was naked._

_I had a killer fucking headache and didn't remember what had happened at first. I sat up, slowly and felt a heavy weight against my neck. I strained to see what it was and saw that I had a sort of metal collar on._

_Is it stupid that the first thing I thought of was that the key you gave me was gone?_

_It was then I noticed that I wasn't alone. Marco was there, looking like shit with blood dried and crusted on his face, and so was Mina. But others were there too. Franz, Daz, Thomas, and Miss Langer were there too, and everyone was naked. The only difference between them and Marco, Mina and I was that they had chains attached to their metal collars while the three of us were bound in rope._

_I asked what was going on, but nobody answered me. Only Miss Langar did and it was to say that she was sorry. She looked so sickly and thin and so did Thomas and Daz. I could tell they were used to their nakedness, but I was extremely embarrassed. I kept my knees drawn up like that would keep my from being exposed.._

_I started to realize the full gravity of the situation._

_Coach A.T. was the one behind the kidnappings and he had us down here. But for what? I kept trying to ask, but nobody could seem to answer._

_Mina stayed close to Marco, even though all three of us were tied up. I saw more chains attached to the wall and I wondered how long it would be before we got those chains too._

_I don't know how long it was before A.T. came back. It was long enough to make Mina piss herself and she started crying. That was when everyone else in the room consoled her, telling her that they have all done it by now too._

_It made me sick to my stomach. We were down here getting treated worse than animals for some messed up reason. I wondered how many hours it had been since I had gone missing. For all I knew, it could have been a whole day._

_I thought of Mom and Dad. Of Mikasa and Armin. Of you. I wasn't going to let myself die here._

_Marco and I ended up pissing ourselves too and I hid my face in embarrassment. Even though there was nothing else I could do, there was something fucking humiliating about relieving yourself in a room full of people, unable to hold it in any longer._

_Not long, or maybe long, I'm not sure, but not long after I had, another light turned on and I looked up to see a window I hadn't cared to notice before. It was a large window and it looked like one of the windows you see on TV when doctors observe a surgery or in a police interrogation room._

_I realized it was exactly that kind of window when I saw what was in the other room._

_It was just like an operating room. A flat table with straps, a sink, a tray with doctor's tools on it, rubber gloves. The most disturbing thing was the huge freezer that was in there too. My heart started to beat erratically when I realized just how sick my former coach was. He appeared in the window, smiling maniacally and everyone in the room flinched away._

_He laughed, at least I think he did, we couldn't hear. The room was sound proofed._

_He disappeared for a moment before he opened the metal door separating the sound proof room and the room we were in._

“ _A.T....” Thomas spoke for the first time and I looked over at him as he scooted closer to the bastard who kidnapped us._

_Coach looked at him and then asked him what the matter was. The worst part was that he called Thomas 'Precious'. It sent ugly chills in my spine._

_Thomas told A.T. he was hungry and what was scary was that he said it like a kid asking their parent for a snack. I realized he was trying to be nice to the coach to get something to eat._

_He smiled and patted Thomas' cheek and acknowledged that we all must have been hungry._

_He approached Mina, Marco, and I and we all shrank away from him, but he just pulled Mina by her hair over to the wall. He attached the chain to her neck before he pulled out a knife._

_She started screaming and it surprised me that nobody else even flinched._

_Marco started yelling at him to let Mina go and I pulled at my own chain but it was useless._

_Coach seemed amused at us and it was really fucking annoying. He had this demented smile on his face and he told us he wasn't going to hurt us yet.  
The 'yet' wasn't lost on me at all._

_In the end, all he did was cut the ropes off of Mina. Now that she was secured by the neck, he moved onto Marco and then to me._

_I said all sorts of things to the asshole as he did it. I told him to go to hell and swore at him, trying to fight against him the entire time, but I was still pretty out of it from the drugs he put into us._

_All he did, though, was fucking laugh before he patted me on the head and told me that I had beautiful eyes when I was angry._

_I tried to attack the bastard, but he jumped out of the way and the chain held so I was yanked back.._

_He left, promising that he would bring back food later. I had a feeling it would be a while before we got any food._

_And I was right._

_It was kind of funny, because I laughed and thought of you when I couldn't hold my shit in anymore. All I could think of was you saying, “Don't come crying to me when you have a hard time shitting later.”_

_Only this time it wasn't because of my lactose intolerance. It was because I had been too fucking terrified to shit. I wasn't the only one who did it, but it felt so much more embarrassing because I really fucking tried to avoid it._

_We didn't even have latrines or garbage cans, and I couldn't help thinking at how disgusted you would be by me shitting on the floor like a damn animal. For some reason, it was hilarious to me. Everyone else kept looking at me as if I was crazy for laughing while I took a shit._

_It wasn't until later that I realized that I had really been sobbing._

_A.T. came back at some point with a can of beans and a bottle of water for each of us. Before he gave the food to us, though, he gave us cleaning supplies and garbage bags and told us to clean things up. I was surprised when the others did it with no questions asked and looked over at Marco and Mina. They seemed just as baffled as I was._

_Daz mumbled for us to do it because we didn't know how long it would take before he decided to let us clean up again._

_I wanted to bite, hit, punch A.T. for doing this to us, but he never comes close enough to us to do anything and we are restrained like dogs by our chains._

_Marco actually asked where we were and A.T. only smiled and told him that we were in his basement_

“ _I've been building this baby for years. Secretly, of course. It's your new home. How do you like it?” he had asked and I felt sick to my stomach._

_Marco gave him the most hateful glare I've ever seen from him and it made me glad that I had never pissed him off._

“ _I think you should have fucking gotten laid instead of planning some sick shit like this,” he spat at the coach._

_A.T. looked thoughtful for a moment before grinning and my stomach dropped._

“ _You're right,” he said simply, looking over at Mina, “What about your girlfriend? I could always take her. Make you watch. Maybe then I will get the sick thoughts out of my head.”_

_Marco turned sheet white and started stuttering, pleading with Coach to leave Mina alone._

_I could feel everything in me being sucked out, hoping that A.T. wouldn't take things this far. He was just fucking with Marco. He had to have been._

_He grinned and let us continue cleaning up before we tossed our garbage bags into the middle of the room where he picked them up and left the room, leaving us with our meager meal of beans and water. It was disgusting eating with hands that didn't even get to be washed after cleaning up, but I was so fucking hungry and thirsty that I barely cared._

_Marco seemed alleviated that A.T. had left Mina alone, but that relief only lasted until A.T. came back and had us clean up our mess once more. Once he got rid of those bags, he came back, this time with thin, but sturdy rope._

_He crossed over to Mina, yanked her by her hair and quickly tied her wrists together before she knew what was going on._

“ _No!” Marco lunged over, but he was met with a kick to the face and I pulled at my chain, trying to get him away from her, but it wasn't any use._

_Nobody else in the room moved an inch and I yelled for them to do something, but they just looked at Mina with sad eyes._

_Miss Langer started pleading with A.T., saying that Mina was just a young girl and he could do whatever he wanted with her but to leave Mina alone._

_Nothing stopped Coach, and he dragged Mina out of the room, her screams being cut off by the door slamming shut._

_I realized now why A.T. had that big fucking window and I wished that I was anywhere but there. He wanted us to watch as he tortured people._

_Marco kept yelling for Mina, but if the room was soundproofed and we couldn't hear Mina's screams, there was no doubt he couldn't hear us either._

_I couldn't watch and I felt like a damn useless coward. I could hear Marco crying and I knew he blamed himself. I buried my face in my hands and wondered if this was going to be the worst of it._

_I don't know how long it was, but Coach brought Mina back and she was crying shallowly. I had never heard anything so heartbreaking. He chained her up away from Marco and he left without a word. He didn't need to say anything, his message was clear:_

_Don't speak out against him._

_I was horrified with all of us. Daz, Thomas, and Franz had made no movements to help at all and I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was wrong with them._

_I yell at them, trying to figure out why they did literally nothing but they look so complacent and so dead, that it didn't do any use. They remained withdrawn into themselves._

_It was terrible being there. All I could do was sleep until I woke up and wait until I got some more food. Every time Coach came with food, he would take either Miss Langar or Mina to the other room to rape them. I knew that they started dreading meals because of this._

_I asked him to take me at one point instead of them. I was being idiotic and stupid, but I couldn't stand seeing them dragged out of the room by their hair and I didn't want them suffering anymore._

_A.T. just shook his head and said that he would never be with another man because it was disgusting and vile._

_I couldn't help but wonder how he thought anything else he was doing **wasn't** disgusting and vile. _

_I knew it had passed my birthday at some point. I was seventeen. I wondered where you were going to take me for my birthday, but I figured that I might not ever know. I had hoped it was the new aquarium in Trost, but I knew that it was hours away and that getting tickets for opening day would have been really expensive, so maybe it was something else entirely._

_I lost all concept of time. The only thing that mattered after a while was Coach bringing in food and water and letting us clean up after ourselves. I could feel myself losing weight and even Marco looks a lot thinner._

_At some point, A.T. comes in and crouches in front of me but far enough away that I wouldn't be able to reach him._

“ _I saw your boyfriend today,” he had told me and I was instantly angry._

_He said something about trying to get you to come with him and you almost did, but your 'blond friend' that I could only assume to be Erwin came and ruined things. I was fucking glad Erwin was there because I couldn't stand seeing you in a place like where I was._

“ _Stay the fuck away from him!” I remember saying, trying to reach him only to be pulled back by my chain._

_He claimed that I was lonely and that he was just trying to get some company for his 'favorite pet'. I wanted to tear out his eyes and shove them down his throat._

_He left, this time, leaving Miss Langar and Mina alone._

_I didn't even know if you graduated yet and I hoped that you were okay. I hoped that my family was okay. I missed all of you a lot and I couldn't help but want to be with you, hearing you say sweet things to me as you held me that would make me forget or have Mikasa mother me even though I had always been annoyed with it. Fight with Jean, talk excitedly with Armin, get in trouble with Connie and Sasha. I wanted all of that but I was fucking chained to a wall._

_Mina finally spoke up at one point and I knew it must have been months since she had last said something._

“ _If one of us survives this, tell my mom that I really do love her and I would have cleaned my room like she asked me to,” she said in a raspy voice that sounded weird coming from her._

_We were silent before Marco piped up, saying that he wanted his younger sister to know that even if she grew up without him, he was still really proud of her and that he wanted his parents to know that they were the best parents he could have asked for. He also wanted Jean to know that he would be okay and not to be bitter about his death, but rather use it to grow and move forward._

_Miss Langer apparently had a twin brother and she wanted him to know that it was okay to move on without her._

_Franz wanted his girlfriend, Hannah, to know that he had planned on marrying her and that he was sorry for not talking to his older brother for so long._

_Thomas wanted his parents to know that he loved them and even if they weren't together anymore, he thought they made a pretty good couple._

_Daz wanted to apologize for not outgoing enough and wished he could redo a lot of thing all over again._

_I wanted my parents to know that I gave them a lot of shit, but I loved them anyway. I wanted Mikasa to know that it wasn't her fault she couldn't protect me. I wanted Armin to know that I still hoped he would see the ocean someday. I wanted you to know that you were the best thing that happened to me and I would die loving you._

_We made each other promise we would tell their families/friends/significant others._

_I haven't kept that promise._

_Somewhere along the line, I got the idea to wrap my hands around the chain and pull. I suppose I was hoping that if I did it long enough, it would come free from the wall._

_The others must have thought I was crazy, but I wasn't going to sit around and wait for myself to die or for whatever A.T. was going to do to us._

_A.T. started checking us over. He would take us into the other room, hands and feet bound as we sat on the table and he would check to see how healthy we were. The entire time, he had a gun close to him, letting us know that attacking him or running away was not an option._

_It was Marco who came up with a plan. Franz was the fastest because he was on the track team. If he could get away fast enough before Coach tied his legs, we might have been able to be saved._

_It was a shitty plan but it was the best we had and of course it failed._

_Franz did manage to run, the rest of us sticking our feet out to trip A.T., but Franz had lost quite a bit of stamina during the months of his captivity. Coach didn't even scold us, he just hopped up and ran after Franz, slamming the door behind him. We held our breath hoping that by some small chance, Franz would make it._

_But then we saw him being thrown onto the table and A.T.'s face was furious. He strapped Franz down with lightning speed, giving him no time to try to escape._

_Marco muttered about how stupid his plan was and that he should have known better. I can't take my eyes away from the scene unfolding on the other side of the glass. I can see Franz screaming in fear and then A.T. takes out one of those surgical saws and is saying something to him angrily._

_I didn't know what to do and the fact that I **couldn't** do anything. I could only watch as Coach turned on the saw and lowered it to Franz's waist, having no hesitation in cutting. Franz was yelling in pain, I knew that much for sure, but all I could see was blood spattering and see how the saw jolted whenever it hit bone. _

_It was like watching a car crash happen, which as you know, I've done that before too. Flesh and sinew rip apart as Coach cuts cleanly through. At some point, Franz passed out or died. He was dead sooner than I had thought. I had never seen someone die in front of me and it was a horrifying experience._

_When A.T. was done, he put the lower half of Franz in one of those huge airtight bags before putting them into the giant freezer nonchalantly. My stomach was twisting and churning at the sight of A.T. lifting Franz's top half up as if he was carrying a sack of potatoes._

_He came into the room and flung the half-corpse to the ground. Franz's intestines splayed out onto the floor, blood spilling and his arms landing awkwardly. Daz vomited and there were sounds of horrified disgust._

_Coach was livid and asked whose idea it was. None of us said anything. We weren't going to rat Marco out._

_But Marco must have thought it would be better to tell the truth to save the rest of us. I heard him intake a breath and saw him open his mouth, but I spoke quicker, claiming that it was me._

_A.T. looked at me, still angry._

_He called me 'Precious' again and asked why I would betray him. He told me that my actions made him have to start his project a little too soon and that it was problematic._

_I didn't care. I swore and spat at him, calling him a piece of shit for killing Franz in cold blood._

_He didn't listen to me and unlocked the actual chain from the wall rather than just the collar. He paid no mind as he dragged me across the floor, me kicking and screaming the entire way, trying to get up at the same time._

_He dragged me out of the room and grabbed his gun and put it to my head. He told me to get on the table and as much as I wanted to fight him, I wanted to survive. I didn't think at the time I was going to survive either way._

_I got on the table and he strapped me down, much like Franz. I could feel the blood underneath me, still warm and it disgusted me, making me dry heave._

_I looked over at the window and noticed with a shock that I couldn't see where the others were. It was a one-way mirror. I was appalled at how long my hair had gotten. It was past my chin but not quite shoulder length yet and I knew I had been held captive for way to long._

_I didn't get to look long because he strapped my head so it was facing the ceiling and I couldn't move. He removed the metal collar from around my neck._

_I asked him why he was doing this and he only looked at me._

_He told me about how his son committed suicide and that he had never gotten over it. It was because of asshole teenagers and he would do anything to have his son back._

_He told me that his son had my eyes and that was when I started to panic. He was going to take my eyes. I wasn't ready to die, which is kind of funny in a dark way considering that I just tried to commit suicide a month ago._

_But anyway, I tried to struggle but he told me to relax and said that he needed my eyes in me for a bit longer. He said he was going to save me for last because I was his favorite._

_But even so, he took out a surgical knife and I began screaming. He told me that all of us were too loud and he didn't want us screaming when he took the parts he needed. He said it broke his concentration._

_So, he lowered the knife to my throat and began cutting._

_There was so much pain and I remember crying but it hurt to scream. I could feel my skin splitting apart and warm blood running down my neck and I would have done anything for it to stop. He cut deep too.  I couldn't  scream and I could barely breath. Blood was getting into my throat as well._

_I knew that I would probably die from blood loss, but then Coach stuck a needle in me and I could see out of my peripheral vision that he was putting blood into me. I could only hope it wasn't something that would clash with my blood because then I would definitely die._

 

_He continued cutting and you were the last thing I thought of before I passed out._

_When I woke up, I was laying on the ground again, but there wasn't a chain around my neck, but rather a shackle around my ankle._

_I was in so much pain. I had a horrible headache and my throat felt like it was on fire._

_I didn't even notice my head was on someone's lap until they started petting my head. I opened my eyes to see that it was Miss Langar, looking worriedly down at me._

_She soothed me, making sure I kept my hands away from my neck._

_I fell asleep again, overcome with exhaustion and pain, the feel of Miss Langar's maternal comfort the only thing that didn't cause me agony._

_When I woke up again, I was still in pain, but I could handle it a bit better. My head was still laying on Miss Langar's legs, but she was sleeping._

_I didn't move, but I looked around and saw that Franz's body was still lying on the ground. From the angle I was at, I could see his spine sticking out. The blood had dried and congealed around him and he was starting to stink._

_What horrified me was that Marco, Daz, and Thomas had the same scars on their neck as I did. Daz was awake, curled into a ball, but Thomas and Marco were fast asleep. Mina was nowhere to be found and I couldn't bring myself to look and see if she was in the other room._

_We were going to get an infection. This place wasn't sanitary at all, especially with a dead fucking body decaying in front of us._

_I tried to take a deep breath, but my throat burned._

_Miss Langar woke up with a start and I saw that she didn't have a scar._

_Even though I would know it would cause me more pain, I tried to ask her what happened._

_Only nothing came out._

_I tried again only to have the same results. I couldn't make a sound. I was terrified. I started breathing harder even though it hurt and Miss Langar ran her hands through my hair again._

_She told me that he took my vocal cords and to not try to speak._

_I started to cry again. Fuck, I cried so much and I felt so weak. I couldn't move because I was still in pain and when I touched my neck, I could feel crude stitches there._

_It wasn't long before Miss Langar was taken too, Mina brought back with her own scars. I don't think Coach needed to worry about chaining us up because we were all too weak to even try to run._

_When Miss Langar came back to us, Coach deposited her body ungracefully and chained her ankle before he let us know that in a couple weeks, we were going to begin the next 'stage'._

_I knew what that meant. He was going to start tearing us up and letting us bleed dry._

_He left us food, cruelly, knowing that we were going to have a hard time eating and drinking. I tried, fuck, did I try, but I ended up coughing up blood as well as what I tried to eat. I knew that I could go without eating for at least two weeks. I hoped I would be more healed by then, but I actively tried drinking water._

_I wasn't used to the role as caretaker, but I had to make sure the rest of them drank water too._

_Mina wasn't doing well. One look at her neck told me why. The stitches had pus around them and her neck was turning veiny and purple._

_Her neck was infected._

_Whenever A.T. came into the room, I tried to tell him, using various gestures, but he never paid attention._

_I had always been lucky enough to heal quickly for some reason and while I wasn't completely healed, I was enough to have a clear head._

_My chain was long enough to reach Mina. I knew it must have been days since she had moved and she was burning up._

_Marco was too far away and could only watch his girlfriend die as I tried to keep her alive. But I didn't have anything besides water to keep her wound clean. I was fighting a losing battle._

_Predictably, Mina ended up dying. It wasn't dramatic. She just stopped breathing and I retreated back to my own space. What could I do?_

_Marco cried and I think he was the only one that did. Daz and Thomas just looked at her sadly and Miss Langar bit her lip, trying to keep herself from crying._

_When A.T. found Mina's dead body, I guess something in him decided that it was time for everything to start._

_It was horrifying. He took Miss Langar first, cutting off her head and gathering some of her internal organs. He never put her to sleep, just kept going until she died. The whole time, nothing but silence met our ears and we had to watch her scream as though it were a television on mute._

_I couldn't watch anymore and started pulling at the chain. It was the same chain as before, fortunately, so I figured any progress I might have made would still be there. But I was pulling on a metal chain hooked to a concrete wall, so I didn't hold out much hope._

_He didn't take us all at once. He would throw the bodies into the room, claim he was tired and leave._

_I ate a little, but it always seemed to go down the wrong pipe and I would start coughing again. Thankfully, I stopped coughing up blood, but my throat would always hurt._

_The others could eat as well. We all ate very little. Our appetites weren't very much._

_I started to think that I didn't care if I survived this. Maybe it would be okay to die like this. But then I would always remember you and my family and Armin. My dream of traveling. I couldn't stop fighting, but fuck did I want to. Even though I couldn't ever look at people the same way again, I knew I had to survive._

 

_The bodies started to stink even worse and I thought I could gag. I didn't have to look to know that maggots were starting to eat the carcasses, but where they came from, I have no idea._

_I didn't see Marco die. I couldn't watch such a close friend be mutilated like that. Instead, I kept yanking at the chain until I heard the door open._

_I always stopped whenever the door opened, not wanting A.T. to catch me in the act. He flung Marco's body into the room and left._

_All of Marco's right side down to his hips had been hacked off. When he landed, it was with a sickening wet thud, his insides seeping out and his brain splattering._

_I covered my mouth to keep myself from puking. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I could only pound my fists against the floor. That was Marco. **Marco** . He had never done anything to hurt anybody and he got a cruel death alone and with nobody to comfort him. At that moment, I could only imagine the look on Jean's face when he found out. He would be crushed. _

_Even through the tears, however, I kept tugging on the chain. Maybe I could still get Thomas and Daz out of this even though Thomas was looking like he was in the middle of dying and Daz had pretty much resigned himself to his fate._

_A.T. came for Thomas next and this time, I wouldn't turn a blind eye to my friend dying. Coach did pretty much the same thing he did to Franz, cutting him in half at the waist. Only this time, he kept the upper half and left the legs in the room._

_It was just Daz and I now, and I tried harder than ever to pull the chain._

_I didn't think I was going to make it in time, but just when I had just about given up, the chain snapped and I fell backwards._

_I landed on someone, but I didn't look to see who it was. I was free._

_I looked over at Daz and I saw something like hope in his eyes and I knew that we might have a good chance of getting out of this._

_I went over to him and breathed out a plan. Breathing was the only way to get my words out so I tried to do it as quickly as possible since I didn't know when A.T. would be back. I actually made myself lightheaded._

_I turned the bulb hanging from the ceiling, burning my fingers in the process, and made it so it was just barely out of socket, plunging us into darkness. I held the chain in my hand and stumbled over to the door, hiding behind it._

_I don't know how long I stood there, but the door suddenly swung open and I heard Coach swear, wondering where the light was. I took this as my chance and sprang at him, wrapping the chain around his neck and jumping onto his back._

_He was surprised and pitched backwards, slamming me into the wall, but I didn't let go. I kept a tight grip on the chain, trying to strangle him. But for as much as I tried, I was weak from captivity and he slammed me into the wall even harder, making my body crumple._

_He must have figured things out and screwed the lightbulb all the way back in and I looked up to see him staring at me angrily._

_I was about to get up and attack again, but he pulled out his gun and aimed at me. I was sure he was going to shoot me, but he gave me a choice. Either I get to keep my eyes and shoot Daz, or he wouldn't forgive me and take my eyes then and there. He had the nerve to keep calling me 'Precious' too._

_All I could think about was you, calling me 'Bright Eyes'. I couldn't lose my eyes. You loved my eyes._

_So I took the gun from him and aimed it at Daz. Coach had another gun aimed at me in case I tried anything._

_I watched Daz looking at me with wide, crying eyes. I knew that my eyes were unique but it was only for you that I cared two hoots about them. I couldn't let A.T. take them away from me._

_But then I thought about what you would say if you could see me, pointing a gun at Daz just to save myself. I knew you would be disappointed, even if you told me you would understand. I couldn't handle that._

_Coach had a gun pointed at me so I knew that I would die if I tried to shoot him, but I figured that maybe if I managed to shoot him, Daz would have a chance._

_So I swung the gun away from Daz and turned it to A.T., pulling the trigger._

_Nothing happened. The only sound was the gun clicking, telling me that the gun was empty. Coach had played me from the start._

“ _Too bad,” he said and then he shot Daz point blank, his blood and brains splattering all over the wall._

_Coach didn't say anything, just left me there with a useless gun and horror on my face. He didn't even chain me back to the wall. I heard the dead bolt on the door and knew that I couldn't get out._

_You have no idea the horror and guilt I felt at being the last one alive. I wished that I was dead with the bodies around me. I sat in numb silence, looking at what used to be my friends but was now a gruesome graveyard that smelled like roadkill._

_I think that's when I gave up. I laid down and just waited for A.T. to come back and get me or to die. Whichever came first. I was laying in the blood of my friends, still living after they had died in horrible ways. I kept apologizing to them, wishing I could have changed what had happened._

_I wondered how long it had been since I had disappeared. It felt like years but at the same time, it felt like weeks. I hoped you were happy. I wanted you to be happy. I wondered which college you ended up going to._

_I thought about my parents and Mikasa, hoping that they were dealing with me being gone alright. I know that you all loved me and I could only hope that you guys would be alright._

_I thought about you the most, Levi. I thought about all our times together and all our dates. I thought about our first time and the first time you let me top. I smiled at the memories, knowing I would be okay to die because I had gotten to be with you._

_A.T. never came back._

_It was other men dressed in all black and with body armor on that came through next. I was so terrified that I stayed still, not wanting them to spot me. They looked even scarier than Coach did and I wondered what his plan for me was now._

_Then I saw Hannes and I don't know what I was thinking, but I panicked, thinking that he had been part of A.T.'s plan all along._

_I tried to run to the other side of the room and screamed. Well, as much as I could scream anyway. I think I surprised all of them. Some were gagging and puking, but they didn't know the half of it._

_Hannes tried talking me down, but I just kept trying to get away from him. It never occurred to me for one instant that I was being saved._

_At some point, I know they sedated me._

_When I woke up next, I knew I was in a hospital bed, but I remembered the last time I was on something like this. That made me start panicking enough, but there was also silence. It was too quiet and it brought back memories of that room, of people screaming as they were being mutilated or raped and nothing could be heard._

_So I tried to escape._

_I barely saw your face on the other side of the room, looking scared and confused along with my mom and dad's before they sedated me again._

_I don't need to tell you what happened after that because you were there. I remember them putting me in a room where I couldn't hurt myself, but nobody understood that I couldn't handle the quiet. I needed to hear something and thank fuck for Armin._

_Okay, so I had to stop writing like ten times during this letter. I wrote it all down and I want to give it to you, but I don't know if I'm ready for you to know yet. So I guess if you are reading this, I finally decided I was ready._

_I love you, Levi. I wish there was a stronger word for love because what I feel for you is so much stronger. I trust you with this. I want you to know this because I want you to understand me, the newer me._

_I'm still a little of the person I used to be, but I've also changed, and through it all, you've been there for me, supporting me and guiding me._

_I told you once that you were my home. You still are and will always be, no matter where I go or where you go. I wanted the one person in this world that I love more than anything to know about me, even though what happened wasn't pretty. And in all honesty, it was a lot worse than words could ever describe, but I know that with you beside me, I might just be able to live with it. I still wish I would have died with them, but I think I can try living. For myself._

_I know you wouldn't leave me for anything now, and that means more than you could ever imagine. I know just how much you love me and I can't deny that it makes me feel like I did when I first met you. Thank you._

_And Levi, as much as I wish I didn't have to deal with the pain anymore, I'm really glad you found me before I died._

_-Eren_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it, Eren's reveal. This is the longest chapter probably in the entire thing so there we go.
> 
> Hope I didn't disappoint you sickos XD


	48. Present

I could hold my alcohol well usually. I knew when my limit was and my limit was a lot of fucking alcohol.

I passed my limit about two hours ago and I am wandering around my house, alone, with a bottle of vodka drinking it like it was water.

It really makes no sense for me to be upset like the things that happened to Eren happened to me, but Eren had been _hurt_. In so many ways. Physically, emotionally, mentally.

And what did I do? I moped around because my boyfriend was taken from me.

No, that's not right. I had been worried about him. A lot, if my memory served me correctly, but right now, my memory is a bit unreliable.

I take another drink and think about how hot it is. I keep having to piss, which pisses me off.

I laugh bitterly at the joke I just made.

I keep coming back to the letter, crumpled on the sofa. I should fucking destroy it, but every time I stop. How can I destroy it?

If I rip it up, it will still exist. Even if I flush it, it will still exist.

Burn it.

I've burned something before I can do it again.

I chuckle, or maybe its a giggle, and I grab the pieces of paper and take it to the kitchen. Before I can do anything, however, a voice stops me.

“Levi.”

I look and see my blond bastard of a friend, Erwin, standing in the doorway.

“Erwin!” I exclaim and I feel myself relax and laugh before turning serious, “Wait, what are you doing here?”

Erwin looks worried and I don't know why. Maybe I'm drunk, but it can't be that disturbing, can it?

“You called me about fifteen minutes ago asking me to come over,” he tells me.

“I didn't fuggin' call you,” I mumble, wobbling a little on my feet.

Erwin hums and takes out his phone before showing me the screen.

I squint at it, trying to make sense of the words but it's kind of hard when they are dancing the tango. Eventually, I see that it says 'Missed Call: Levi-11:48 p.m.'.

“Well, waddya know?” I say before bringing the bottle to my lips again, “I musta forgot.”

“How much have you had, Levi?” he asks, concerned.

I shrug.

“I know there was a whole bottle of wine and another bottle of vodka before this,” I say, not sure if I'm slurring or not, “There was more but I can't remember. Honestly, Mrs. Brown, you can't give your house to a nineteen-year-old and _not_ expect him to keep the liquor.”

I cackled then and Erwin steps towards me.

“I think it's time you were cut off, Levi,” he tells me.

I hiss, literally hiss, at him and protect the bottle as if it were my greatest treasure.

“Fuck you. I'm fine,” I tell him, “Plus, I was just gonna use this baby for somethin'.”

Erwin furrows his caterpillar eyebrows but doesn't make another movement towards me.

I put the letter on the counter and promptly dumped alcohol on them, making sure they were covered.

“Levi-”

“Sssshhh,” I say, not ready for an interruption.

I leave the bottle of vodka on the counter and pick up the now soaking pieces of paper and take them over to the stove. I'm about to turn the stove on when someone yanks me away from it, papers fluttering to the ground.

Erwin is in front of me, hands on my shoulders.

“Levi, what the fuck? Do you really want to burn your face off that badly?!” he says, trying not to yell, “What is wrong? Just tell me instead of doing stupid things!”

I look up at him and see that he is nothing but concerned for me. I feel the things that I have been trying to forget for the past couple of hours come to the forefront of my mind and I can feel this weird choking feeling coming from my throat. My chest feels heavy and I'm shaking. I'm trying to breath, but the way my breath is stuttering, I can't do it well.

I feel something warm run down my cheek and that's how I know that I am crying.

Once I realize it, it's like the floodgates are open and I can't stop. I'm sobbing, wailing even, right there in front of Erwin, not caring enough to stop myself.

Eren, my Eren, faced cruelties that not even some of the most hardened criminals could deal with.

“How d-does he live?” I sob, “Erwin, I-I can't...”

I don't know what I can't do. I don't know anything except that I just need to sob.

I let myself sink to the floor and I notice that Erwin sinks down with me. He doesn't hug me or anything, sensing that I want my space, but he keeps his hands on my shoulders and then eventually my biceps.

“Fucking...I don't...why?” I sob, feeling tears and snot intermingle, but for once in my life, I don't care, “Why did this....have to happen?”

Erwin doesn't say anything and I'm glad he doesn't. His words would seem shallow and meaningless. He just lets me sit on my kitchen floor and sob, heartbroken and drunk.

“It's not fair,” I say several times, “None of it was fair.”

I don't know how Eren deals with it every day. I can't blame him for wanting to kill himself, but at the end of the letter, he said that he was glad I found him before he can die.

“HOW?!” I scream and Erwin jumps a little, “How can he be glad?!”

Erwin has no idea what I'm talking about but he doesn't ask.

I can feel myself getting tired from crying, but I can't stop. I haven't cried like this in years and I feel like this is more than just the letter. This was the pain of losing him and finding him again, only with no voice. This was the pain of seeing him struggle everyday but having him brush it off as nothing. This was the pain of knowing what he went through but not having the power to change it.

“Let's get you to bed,” Erwin tells me and I can't find it in me to disagree.

He puts my arm around his waist and heaves me up, keeping me stable.

“Erwin,” I mutter.

“What is it?” he asks, looking down at me.

“I have to puke,” I tell him.

With that, I pull away from him and stumble over to the sink, heaving whatever was in my stomach out. It was mostly alcohol, but it still smells as putrid as if I had the flu. Whatever I had eaten today comes up as well.

Erwin stands behind me, supporting me because I would most definitely fall over while puking if he wasn't. He rubs soothing circles on my back as I puke and when I'm done, he makes me was my mouth out and drink some water.

I don't remember how I get upstairs, but Erwin is silently taking care of me, taking off my shirt to put a bigger sleep shirt on me. He helps me out of my pants and into sweatpants. I accuse him of being a perv, but he only rolls his eyes.

He tucks me in and goes to leave the room, but I cry out for him.

“Don't leave me alone,” I say in a voice that I know is pathetic.

“Calm down, I'm just going to get a bucket in case you have to vomit again,” he tells me.

I don't know if I'm still crying, but by the time he comes back, I'm so incredibly tired.

He sets the bucket next to me and then pulls up the arm chair to sit with me.

I feel like I'm about to pass out but something crosses my mind that is severely important.

“Erwin,” I say lazily, keeping my eyes trained on his.

“Yes?”

“Back when we did that thing...” I start, “That thing we all did after Eren was found, you said something. You remember?”

A shadow crosses his face, but he nods.

“Were you the one that did it?” I ask him.

Erwin considers me for a second before he sighs.

“Yes, I did,” he answers.

My lips twitch upwards and I close my eyes.

“Good,” I tell him, “I'm glad.”

“You aren't...disgusted with me?” Erwin asks and it's very rare that he shows hesitance.

“Mmmno,” I answer, “Because if you hadn't, I would have.”

I hear him shift in his chair but I'm halfway asleep by now.

“Does Mike know?” I ask.

Erwin chuckles.

“Yes, he does,” he tells me, “He was there.”

“Of course he was,” I mumble, “He's...the jelly to your peanut butter.”

I laugh at my own joke and I hear Erwin let out a quiet chuckle before I fall asleep.

* * *

 

Regret is the second thing I feel when I wake up. My splitting headache is the first.

I lay in bed, thinking over the events of last night and wonder why the fuck I let myself drink that much. It wasn't enough to black out, however, and I still remember Erwin coming over and me acting like an idiot. I would normally be mortified, but Erwin is my closest friend and I know that he would never judge me for something like that.

I look over to see that the chair is abandoned and I wonder what the hell happened to him.

Then, I smell coffee and I know that he is behind the smell.

I sit up with great difficulty and wait until everything stops spinning before I even attempt to get out of bed.

I feel sweaty and sticky so I decide to take a shower before I go downstairs.

I feel better once I do and I go downstairs.

The television is on and I enter the living room to see Erwin watching the news eating a jar of fucking peanut butter.

“Where the hell did you get that?” I ask, “I don't have any peanut butter.”

Erwin looks over at me, spoon in his mouth before he pulls it out.

“I know,” he responds, “I don't know how we've been friends all these years when you are still so inattentive to my needs.”

I'm not in the mood to deal with his shit, so I turn towards the kitchen to get myself some coffee and make myself some breakfast.

Erwin, predictably, follows me and sits at the counter, continuing to eat his peanut butter.

“Shit!” I say when I see the clock on the microwave, “I'm so fucking late for work!”

In all honesty, I was so late that even if I went in now, my shift would be over.

“I already talked to Pixis and told him you weren't coming in,” Erwin tells me, “Told him that you were sick.”

I pour myself a cup of coffee before I turn to narrow my eyes at him.

“When did you talk to Pixis?” I ask.

“When I got some peanut butter,” Erwin says.

I take a drink of my coffee, hating how it tastes, but knowing it would definitely help with the headache from hell.

“I also went to see Eren,” he tells me after a minute.

I turn my gaze onto him and study him intently.

“I can't say I'm surprised,” I say, turning towards the fridge but then see the letter on the counter.

It's stiff and crinkled and the words written are smudged because of the alcohol I dumped on it.

“What did you talk about?” I ask, ignoring the letter and continuing to the fridge.

“You, among other things,” Erwin answers vaguely and I know that I may never know what he talked about with Eren, “He was worried about you after I told him about last night.”

I'm not the least bit bothered Erwin said anything to Eren. I figure Eren would have found out anyway.

“You haven't cried like that since you found out what happened to your mother,” Erwin says, putting another spoonful of peanut butter in his mouth.

“I haven't cried at all since I found out what happened to my mom,” I say quietly, “Erwin, what do I do?”

He regards me thoughtfully before asking me, “What changed?”

I'm confused.

“Huh?”

“What changed since you read that letter?” he asks, blue eyes boring into me.

I don't know how to answer that question. What changed? I wasn't sure. I knew something horrible had happened, but now I knew exactly what it was, but I don't think that was what Erwin was referring to.

“Nothing,” I tell him.

“That's right,” he says, “Nothing changed except the fact that you know. What you were doing before was enough for Eren. What makes you think you have to do anything different?”

I consider the weight of his words as I make myself some scrambled eggs. Erwin doesn't interrupt my musing, thankfully.

“Hey, Erwin,” I say at one point, “About what you admitted last night-”

“Don't,” he warns, “I'm not proud of what I did.”

Leave it to Erwin to say that.

“Do you regret it?” I ask him, not facing him and cooking my eggs.

I hear him inhale a breath through his nose before releasing it.

“No.”

That answer satisfies me and I finish making my eggs, almost letting them burn.

I sit down at the counter with him, ready to dig into my eggs when he asks me, “What are you going to do with the letter?”

It's a very good question. Last night, I felt that if it disappeared, so would the horror I felt about Eren's past, but now I realize that I was just being an idiot. Nothing could make any of the past disappear.

“That letter has Eren's past in it,” I say, “Just like the rest of Eren, I'm going to keep it close.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for moments of friendship. I feel like they are just as important as romance, if not more.


	49. Past

I don't think the worst night was the night I found out Eren was missing. It was all the other nights when I felt like I still had hope that he would show up the next day, shaken, but alright. It was the nights that I texted him, hoping that somehow, he would text back. It was the days that I went to school, seeing Mikasa and Armin but not seeing him with his arms around each of them, laughing. It was looking through the pictures on my phone and seeing the last picture we had taken together and just wanted the chance to do it again.

I was questioned by the police and the FBI since this was now a high profile case. It would have been nice if they had looked into it before Eren was kidnapped.

What was your relationship with the victims? When did you last see your boyfriend? Did he say where he was going? Did he contact you at all? Do you find anybody suspicious?

Not that any of my answers where helpful, but they had to ask.

I felt blank inside. First a week passed, then two, then a month. The tickets I had bought for the aquarium ended up at the bottom of a drawer, unused. I could have given them away, but for some selfish reason, I kept them.

I knew I wasn't the only one suffering. Mikasa and Armin and the rest of Eren's friends seemed just as affected. Then again, they hadn't lost just Eren, but Marco and Mina as well. Jean was a mess about his best friend.I wasn't as close to them as I was to Eren and his best friends, but I knew that Marco and Mina were quieter souls who didn't deserve being kidnapped anymore than Eren did.

Erwin and Hanji really had my back, always coming over and not letting me hole myself up in my room. Petra, Auruo, Gunter, and Erd did the same, smiling and joking with me even though I found it hard to.

However, sometimes I just would lie in my bed and think, hoping that maybe this was just a bad dream. It's funny how cliché the whole idea of hoping its a dream is but it's something that you truly wish for when tragedy happens.

Even though my world had stopped, life kept going and graduation was quickly approaching. I wasn't ready for it. Erwin was Valedictorian with a GPA that was point two higher than Hanji's, much to her disgruntlement.

It was the beginning of May when we were supposed to have graduation ceremony practice. I frankly thought it was a load of bullshit, but I was in a sour mood most of the time anyway. Losing the person you love does that to you.

We were sitting in the gymnasium when it hit me that I was moving forward without Eren by my side. I was graduating and Eren wasn't here to see it. For all I knew, his body parts could be being sold on the black market. He could have been sold into the sex industry. He might have being tortured for some horrible reason.

As I sat, I realized I was having trouble breathing. How could I sit and continue with my comfortable life when I didn't even know if Eren was alright? Eren was supposed to be here, happy and healthy and alright. But instead, he was somewhere I couldn't reach him. He was somewhere that even the authorities couldn't find him.

I couldn't stand the stuffy gym anymore. I stood up, knowing that I was obvious since I was in the first row and simply left, not giving a flying fuck about the ceremony. I needed to get somewhere where I could breathe. I couldn't breathe in that room, no matter how big it was.

I felt sick to my stomach. This brand of a panic attack wasn't new to me. I'd been having them ever since Eren disappeared and I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to have them but anytime I thought about what was happening to Eren, I felt this way. What if we got him back and it turned out he was dead?

I found myself outside, leaning against one of the pillars near the back parking lot. I hung my head and tried to calm myself down, but Eren kept invading my thoughts and my breathing was heavy. Eren was only seventeen; he didn't deserve what was happening to him.

I slide down until I'm sitting on my ass, knees drawn up and my forehead resting against hem.

“Levi?”

I turn to see Eren's coach with a duffle bag slung across his shoulders.

“Oh, h-hey,” I said breathlessly, hoping he will leave me alone.

He shifts and I look down again, hoping that he gets the silent hint.

He doesn't.

Instead, he approaches and crouches down in front of me.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Fucking dandy,” I replied, not caring that I swore in front of a teacher, “I'm graduating soon, going to start my new life, my friends are great, oh, and my fucking boyfriend disappeared off the face of the planet. Things are going great.”

I had hoped that maybe that would scare him off, but he only sighed sadly.

“I'm so sorry, Levi,” he said gravely, “I...know this must be so rough for you. Losing Eren...Marco...and even Thomas. This hasn't been an easy year.”

I realized that all three of them were on A.T.'s team and he must have felt horribly sad that some of the kids he had been watching to grow up were fuck knows where.

“Eren said you had a son,” I said bluntly, never one for tact, “Is that true?”

The man's eye twitched and I almost thought that he was going to yell at me for bringing it up, but he only smiled sadly.

“Yes, his name was Carver,” he replied, “He died when he was seventeen.”

The same age as Eren.

“It must suck balls for you then too,” I said, “To lose some of your team at the same age.”

“You don't mince words, do you?” he asked with a chuckle, “But it hasn't been easy, but I know it's a lot harder for you and all of their friends and family. I know that as a parent, this is your worst nightmare and I can't help but feel for them.”

I could see why Eren liked his coach so much. He may have been a little oblivious as to what was going on in social media, but he really knew what he was talking about and could connect with people.

“I chose to believe that they will come back to us,” he continued, “It's the only thing we can do.”

“So what?” I asked, challenging him, “We are just supposed to wait until they come back from wherever the fuck they are? By this point, they are probably dead.”

My voice was flat at the last word, but he shook his head.

“I refused to believe that,” he said, “They are alive and soon, they will come back.”

“Then you are an idiot,” I spat.

But even as I said that, I knew that I was blindly hoping that Eren would come back to me.

A.T. didn't get mad but just sighed.

“Maybe,” was all he said.

I didn't respond back but looked back at my knees. After a moment, he heaved himself to his feet and held out a hand to me.

“Come on, I'll take you home,” he told me.

“I drove here,” I said, “I can-”

“What kind of teacher would I be if I let you drive home upset?” he asked.

“You're not a teacher,” I muttered, but I took his hand anyway.

He pulled me up, chuckling.

“Perhaps not,” he conceded, “But you are obviously upset. I can drive you home. I forgot some things at my house anyway so it would be right on the way.”

I don't really know if its a good idea, but I'm suddenly too tired to argue.

“Alright,” I told him, “My friend Erwin lives close by me. He can bring my backpack and cellphone to me after school and drive me tomorrow.”

“Good,” he said, smiling, “Are you sure you don't need your stuff?”

“Positive. Probably going to go home, take a shit and then pass out.”

I follow him to his car, an Oldsmobile, and I'm just about to get in when I hear my name.

“Levi!”

I look over and see Erwin jogging towards us. Damn, I really didn't want to talk about what happened.

“Where are you going?” he asked, looking over at the coach with a peculiar expression.

“Oh, uh, A.T. was just going to give me a ride home. I don't want to be at this fucking place anymore today,” I told him tiredly.

“Great,” Erwin said strongly, “I was just going to go home myself. They told the seniors we could leave early. I saw you walk out so I thought I would see what happened.”

There is something weird with the way Erwin is talking. Usually, he has no trouble sounding like a thirty-year-old man, but now, he is making an effort to speak like a teenager.

“Oh, but-” I started, looking over at the coach, but he waved at me, smiling a little.

“It's fine, I'm just glad someone can drive you home,” he said, “Don't worry about me.”

“Alright then...” I said awkwardly, “Thank you.”

He shrugs and Erwin nods his head curtly before taking me by the arm and tugging gently, walking away from the man.

Once we are inside the school, he rounds on me.

“You were going to leave with him?” he asked like he was talking to a child.

“Yeah, what's the big deal?” I huffed, irritated at his tone.

“Did you have your cell phone on you?”

“...No.”

“Don't you think that it was important?” Erwin asked seriously.

“Erwin, that guy was Eren's coach. I don't see what the issue is. We know him!” I said.

Erwin purses his lips and stares at me. His cool, blue eyes were calculating and I could tell that he was thinking about something deeply.

I knew I should be more careful, especially since my boyfriend was gone, but I didn't want to be overly suspicious. But I supposed it was a bit foolish to not get my backpack and cellphone before leaving.

“Levi...just...keep your cellphone with you all the time, alright?”

“You sound like my fucking mother,” I grumbled, “But alright.”

“And stay away from that man,” Erwin told me.

Normally, I hated being told what to do, but when I looked up at Erwin, he was staring blankly at a spot over my head, jaw clenched.

“Okay, Erwin. I trust your decisions.”

* * *

A week later, I had a diploma in my hand, and while it was supposed to be a happy event, I felt nothing but empty. My mother was so proud of me, happy that I had made it through high school, but I couldn't help but think of the ones who hadn't and would probably never get the chance.

 

 


	50. Present

I don't go visit Eren right away. I know it's probably stupid to try and avoid him, but I need some time to think things over. Erwin seems to understand this and lets me mope around my house without any comments.

The next morning, however, I wake up to the shrill sound of my cellphone.

“Hello?” I ask groggily.

“Mr. Ackerman?” a voice, female, asks. I don't recognize the voice, so I quickly shake myself awake.

“Um, yes?” I say.

“I'm sorry to wake you, but this is Rico Brzenska, Eren's therapist,” she tells me and I sit up.

“No, it's fine,” I assure her hurriedly, “Is something wrong? What happened? Is Eren alright?”

“Eren is fine,” she tells me, “I was just calling to see if you were available for lunch.”

I stop, wondering why the hell Eren's therapist wants to see me, especially over a casual lunch date, but since I have the day off, it's not like I have any reason to say no.

“Sure,” I say, “Where at?”

We agree to meet at a coffee shop in the center of town. I'm not much of a coffee person, but they have decent tea, so I figure the place wouldn't be a terrible place to meet.

By the time I get ready and get down there, Rico is already sitting patiently at a table.

I've only seen the woman a few times. She has short, blonde hair that is almost white that I always wondered if it was natural or dyed. She's shorter than me, but has a face that lets you know that she would fucking shut you down if you tried any bullshit.

I immediately like her.

“You're late,” she comments as I sit down.

“You never actually set a time,” I reply.

A server comes over and asks us what we want. She orders a mocha latte and I settle with black tea before returning my attention to her.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” I ask.

She puts her elbows on the table and clasps her hands together, eyes observing me over them.

“Eren told me he gave you the letter,” she says eventually.

“You know about the letter?” I ask.

We get our drinks and after the server leaves, Rico responds.

“Yes, I do. He gave me a copy of it,” she says before taking a sip of her drink, “I encouraged him to do so, but I didn't say it was necessary. Him telling me what happened has really helped me to understand what kind of help he needs.”

I let my tea steep before I took a drink myself. It wasn't bad.

“I told him to write it and if he felt comfortable, to give it to the person he trusted most,” she continues, “It's natural to assume that with a person who was kidnapped in their pubescent years, they would latch onto their parents, more specifically, their mother. However, when Eren told me that he had written it to you, I can't say that I wasn't a bit surprised.”

I'm not sure what to say, so I watch her closely.

“What he wrote...was very disturbing,” she admits, “And it's out of my field of expertise. I have recommended to Eren that he goes to see a close colleague of mine, Mitabi Jarnach.”

“Are you sure you are allowed to tell me all this?” I ask, “This seems like a breach in confidentiality.”

“I have been given full permission to talk with you about everything Eren and I have talked about by Eren himself,” Rico replies, “I do not take confidentiality lightly, believe me.”

I nod and take another drink.

“Eren, of course, will still be seeing me, but Mitabi will know how to help Eren better deal with the trauma he has been through,” she tells me, “Ever since his suicide attempt, he has been making an effort to be more open with me about his feelings in general. Before it was like pulling teeth. I'm sure you understand.”

I nod once more, remembering how he had always brushed me off.

“One subject that keeps coming up is you, Mr. Ackerman,” she tells me.

“Just Levi,” I say, but then continue, “What do you mean?”

Rico takes a breath, thinking over what she wants to say.

“What I mean, Mr. Ack-Levi, is that you seem to be his...anchor. I don't like to use the word center because you aren't the center of his being, but rather the thing that holds him down to reality and to even to himself,” she explains, “He chose you for his letter. I think it's a safe bet to say that you are the person he values, loves, trusts, and respects most in his life. From what he has told me of you, I can see why.”

I'm silent for a moment before I ask, “Why are you telling me this?”

“I suppose that I wanted to understand the both of your relationship better, even though that was just a personal curiosity,” she tells me, “Meeting you and seeing your reaction to this has helped me. But that's not the main reason.

“Eren seems to be under the impression that you will see him differently now that you know what he went through. Granted, I'm not playing messenger between you two, rather, I'm sharing what I've observed. However, I know that if you were to start acting differently than you have before, it could put a strain on your relationship.”

I remember Erwin's words.

_What changed?_

Absolutely nothing. Eren was still Eren. Even though I knew now, nothing about what happened had changed. There  _could_ be change, later, but for now, the fact that I knew didn't change anything.

“I'm not going to do that,” I tell her, “Eren isn't any different than before I read the letter. He's the same person.”

Rico nods approvingly and takes another drink.

“Another thing I wanted to bring up with you is communication between you two,” she says, “Eren tells me that you are 'shit with words'.”

Brutal honesty with no sugar coating. Yes, I suppose I do like Eren's therapist and can see why he is so attached.

“I am,” I say, “I always have been. I'm...trying, mostly because Eren can't speak, but words of affection have never come easily to me.”

“I understand,” she says, “Listen, Levi, as a therapist, it is always better for me to keep my work and social life separate, so you can understand that this kind of thing doesn't happen for me often. Clients are supposed to be just that. However, I don't think that any therapist goes home at night and is able to leave their work. People are always on their minds. 

“That being said, this is the first time I have discussed a client out of a work environment. It won't happen again, but as you can tell, due to the nature of Eren's case, I decided to go out on a limb for him.

“I understand that you are trying to become better when it comes to meeting Eren's needs, especially since he needs to hear the words now more than ever, but I would like to suggest something that would help the both of you.”

I'm interested in what she has to say, so I lean forward, waiting.

“From what Eren has said, you show affection rather than tell people how you feel,” she continues, “Eren is more inclined to hearing words rather than showing it. While this might give both of you room to grow in your relationship, with Eren only being able to show how he feels and relies on you to tell him your feelings, I've thought of something that can be a medium for the time being.

“Eren, understandably, is afraid of silence, so he has music playing at all times. Perhaps-”

“You are suggesting that I make a playlist,” I say, connecting the dots.

Rico looks surprised, but then nods.

It made sense. I would be doing something for Eren and he would be getting the words that I wouldn't be able to say. At least not right away. I needed to work on it for Eren, if nobody else.

“I think...that's a really good idea,” I tell her.

“Of course it is,” she says, but she doesn't come across as smug or condescending. 

It's incredibly cheesy and almost too sugary for my style, but if it's for Eren, I'm more than okay with it. I know that he will appreciate it, no matter how cliché it is.

* * *

 

I don't go to see Eren right after I see Rico like I had originally planned, but a few hours afterward.

I'm shocked when I see him come towards me.

“You cut your hair,” I say, raising my hand to play with the significantly shorter locks.

It isn't as short as it used to be, but rather chin length and messy. It looked like it could still be pulled back into a small ponytail if need be.

“ _Yeah, one of the girls on staff did it_ ,” he tells me, “ _Do you like it_?”

I couldn't deny that it made Eren look incredibly...sexy. I mean, I found him attractive anyway and usually I liked hair to be neat, but this look made him look hot in all the right ways.

“Y-yeah,” I said, before clearing my throat.

Eren grinned and took my hand, before pulling me along.

We always end up at the same bench. I don't mind. It's cozy and hidden, so Eren and I always have our privacy.

Eren is looking at his hands, waiting for me to say something.

“So, I read it,” I tell him and he looks up at me.

“ _Erwin told me_ ,” he responds, “ _He said you...got drunk and cried_.”

Now, I was embarrassed of my actions, but it was too late to change them now.

“Yeah,” I say simply, “I didn't...know exactly how to react or what to say.”

“ _Can we not talk about it_?” he asks me, “ _I mean, we can eventually, but it was hard enough to write that letter_.”

“Yeah, sorry, of course,” I tell him but then I say, “I just...I'm really fucking proud of you.”

He bites his lip and I know that he doesn't know how to process my words. I drop the subject, knowing and hoping that he will figure it out. Figure out that it's okay to be happy he survived that hell hole.

“I talked to Rico today,” I tell him, making conversation.

He looks at me and I tell him what we talked about, even though he is probably already aware. I figure he should know anyway.

“ _She said she wanted to talk to you_ ,” Eren tells me, “ _I couldn't figure out why though. I'm glad she did_.”

I nod but then pull something out of my pocket.

“I had this really old mp3 player laying around that only holds one hundred megabytes of data, but that was all I needed. It's sort of a mix tape,” I say, “I had to fix it up and put the songs I wanted onto it. I can't always say what I want, but I figure that maybe songs could do it a lot better than I ever could.”

He takes the mp3 player and looks at me, eyes wide.

“It's...really dumb, but the songs I chose...I guess I chose them for a reason. They're special,” I say, feeling my cheeks heating up.

Eren looks at it before he immediately unplugs his own iPod and plugs in the mp3 player, pressing the play button.

I sit there, watching him listen but he doesn't react for a while. I know at least three songs must have played before he turns to me and smiles.

“ _Thank you_ , _Levi_ ,” he signs but he seems unable to come up with anything else. Instead, he just puts his forehead on my shoulder and lets our hands intertwine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the playlist that Levi chose is found [here](https://8tracks.com/obsessionwithfiction/louder-than-words-levi-s-playlist). Give it a listen to if you want. :)


	51. Past

The thing about tragedy is that it doesn't really get easier to deal with, you just get used to dealing with it.

After graduation, I was kind of lost. My mom was actually nice enough to not say anything about my lack of motivation. Not having to go to school didn't really help my cause any either. I just wanted to lie in bed all day.

Mid-June, however, I decided to get my ass in gear. I had been accepted to the local community college, but decided not to go. Getting straight into the work force was my main priority, however I didn't want some job at a fast food restaurant. But considering that the job market wasn't the greatest for kids straight out of high school, I figured I would have to settle with something less savory.

I applied as a secretary at a dentist office, a housekeeper, several food places, and went out on a limb and applied at an electronics store.

I had several interviews, but not many were interested in an eighteen-year-old with no previous experience in anything.

However, I was surprised when the electronics store called me and the older sounding man said he wanted me to be there as soon as I could in the morning.

Recon Electronics seemed like a weird name, but if I got hired, I would make a wage that was a lot more than just hourly pay along with benefits.

The interview was the strangest thing I've ever done. The owner, Dot Pixis, set a radio and tools in front of me and simply told me to fix it before he left the room, attending to other matters.

I wasn't sure what this was supposed to accomplish, but I decided to check what was wrong with it, pulling the antenna up and turning it on, switching from station to station.

I was severely confused when it seemed to work fine. I checked over and nothing else seemed wrong with it. Not wanting to tear it apart if there was nothing wrong with it, I sat awkwardly for a moment before I stood, opening the door of the office and looking out.

There was a man with black hair and a wispy goatee marking something on a clipboard and another man, blond, working on a computer in his own cubicle.

“Uh...” I said and they both looked at me.

“Oh, hey!” the blond guy said.

“Is there a problem?” Goatee asked. Tall & Blond seemed like he was trying not to smile, but I ignored him for the time being.

“Where is Mustache-I mean- Pixis?” I asked, “He wanted me to fix the radio in there, but when I checked it over, there was nothing wrong with it. Does he want me to tear it apart anyway or...?”

Tall & Blond grinned at me and then at Goatee, but Goatee didn't look impressed.

“No, that won't be necessary,” he said, “Pixis had to run some errands. You can go home now.”

What the fuck? Was this some sort of trick? What kind of store manager leaves in the middle of an interview? Granted, it was a weird ass interview, but still.

“I didn't do anything,” I pointed out and Goatee shrugged.

“Your interview is over, regardless,” he told me, “We'll be in touch within the next couple of days to let you know if you got the job or not.”

I was bewildered but Tall & Blond gave me a thumbs up. I shook my head and left, not knowing what to make of this whole situation.

Fucking weird job interview aside, it wasn't the only strange thing in my life. I received a text from an unknown number one day.

**Unknown:** _ hey, its mikasa. you wanna go running with me today? _

I was surprised to say the least. I didn't expect Mikasa to want to do anything with me, but here she was, inviting me to exercise with her.

For some reason, I accepted and that was the start of our daily runs, which were mostly silent, but it was nice having company. I felt as the both of us could understand each other, even if we didn't see eye to eye.

“It was Armin's idea,” she had admitted at one point, “He said that we were alike and we both needed an outlet.”

I didn't care all that much that it wasn't her idea. It just felt nice to be around someone who didn't try and get me to talk.

A week later, I received a call from Recon Electronics.

“Levi?” I heard the old man ask, “I just wanted to inform you that you got the job.”

I nearly fell out of my chair.

“But I didn't _do_ anything,” I said.

“Are you saying that you don't want the job?” he asked.

My brain short circuited.

“I...don't understand,” I said honestly.

“It's quite simple,” Pixis told me, “I liked you in our interview and I am offering you a job.”

Had we even been at the same interview?

“Would you like to work here, Levi?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah, I would,” I said, still completely confused, “But I have no prior experience.”

“This is how you get experience, is it not?” Pixis asked and I couldn't say he was wrong, “Right now, you would be on a probationary period just to see if you are an adept worker and your overall skill, but I have a feeling you will be fitting right in with us.”

So, the next morning, I was set up for training by one of the employees that had already been working for a year. I was even given my own cubicle. It wasn't bad for a first job. Not bad at all.

“Hey, I'm Farlan!” Tall & Blond had popped his head over the wall of the cubicle and was grinning at me.

“Levi,” I answered.

“Nice,” he told me.

“Glad you like my name,” I said tersely and he had the fucking balls to laugh, “So are you the one training me?”

“Yeah, and you better be glad for that,” he said, “Izzy's like a train wreck when it comes to training. She's damn good at her job, but she can't train for shit.”

“Izzy?” I asked.

“The other one who works here besides Nile,” he explained, “We don't have the need for very many employees since we are a small business. Izzy works today too so you should be able to meet her.”

I wasn't particularly interested.

I didn't really do much. Farlan showed me the proper way to answer phones and take orders and manage online inventory. Even if it was a smaller store, Recon Electronics had a lot of consumers, both online and offline.

“...and each of the things that our customers purchase have wings on them so they can't claim that something they didn't buy from here was purchased here,” Farlan said, explaining the cash register system and how to check someone out.

“Faaarrlaaannn!” a new, higher pitched voice rang, “I brought donuts!”

“Izzy, you're late,” Farlan sighed longsufferingly.

“Because I was getting donuts!”

I turn to look at the newcomer and I can feel my face turning white. The girl apparently feels the same way as I do as she stands there with wide, horrified eyes and mouth agape.

“ _Shit_ ,” I swear.

“Oh, my god,” she whispers.

Of fucking course the girl I had successfully avoided for three years would be my coworker. I was mortified, knowing just how embarrassing our last encounter had been. Making a girl cry during sex wasn't on my top ten list of achievements that I was proud of.

I can see Farlan looking back and forth between each of us, confusion written on his face.

“Izzy, this is the new guy, Levi,” he told her hesitantly, “Levi, this is Izzy, or more formally, Isabel.”

We don't say anything. I avert my gaze, looking at the floor, embarassed.

I hear her approach.

“Um...I, uh...you can have some donuts too. If you want,” she offered and I looked to see she was extending the box towards me. 

“Thanks,” I said, reaching for one, not sure if we were supposed to eat on the clock or not.

A moment of silence passed before Farlan asked, “What, did you two fuck or something?”

I'm glad I had perfected my stone face because I swear I would have turned as red as Isabel was turning.

“S-shut up, Farlan!” she yelled before she stomped to the back.

I bit into my donut, glad that I had grabbed a regular glazed donut.

“I'm going to take that as a yes,” Farlan sighed, “Better not let her boyfriend find out. He's the jealous type.”

I noticed the sour tone in Farlan's voice and I figured that it was just jealousy speaking.

“It was a long time ago,” I said, “I have a boyfriend now.”

I had actually managed to  _ not  _ think about Eren all day, but now the reality crashed down upon me and suddenly, I wasn't hungry.

“Really? What's he like?” Farlan asked, looking interested and not the least bit judgemental.

How did I answer that question? He's beautiful, he has the greenest eyes you will ever see, he's short-tempered, determined, stubborn, loud, caring, loyal. He's missing.

“I'll tell you about him some other time,” I said, taking another bite of my donut despite my lack of appetite.

Farlan senses my hesitance to talk about Eren and starts talking about stocking the shelves and price changes.

Awkwardness aside, we all work relatively well together. Isabel and I speak minimally to each other, embarrassment obviously overshadowing every short conversation we have.

About two weeks into my job, Pixis tosses me some keys.

“How do you feel about taking a solo house call?” he asked me.

I had been on several house calls with both Isabel and Farlan, more observing than doing anything. House calls were usually uncomplicated things and if Pixis trusted me with this, I could definitely do this.

“Okay,” I answered.

“Good,” he smiled approvingly, “We got a call from an elderly lady who needs her television repaired. If it's not something you can fix, just bring it back here. Her name is Maggie Brown.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A...sort of introduction to Isabel, Farlan, and Mrs. Brown! See, this chapter was as sad as you guys thought it was going to be.


	52. Present

Recovery for Eren isn't as smooth as people would like to think. The next month is especially hard on him. He tells me that Rico and Mitabi are really getting into his past, trying to get him to deal with it in a healthy way.

Jean does eventually go to see Eren with Mikasa and she tells me that the both of them had a long talk that surprisingly didn't end up in blood. She didn't know what they spoke about, but the both of them seemed on more equal terms.

There are days where Eren refuses to see anybody and won't leave his room. Then there are days where he is happy and vibrant.

As the day to his release gets closer, I receive a call from a number I don't know, but my cellphone tells me its from Florida.

“Hello?” I answer.

“ _Senor!_ ” 

I would know that voice anywhere and the only one who would call me that would be none other than Miguel.

“Hello, Miguel,” I answer, a little surprised at getting a call from him, but I did leave my number with him, so it's to be expected, “And call me Levi. You aren't my butler anymore.”

“Of course, Sen-Levi,” he responds, “Gilberto and I...we finally got our green cards for America! We moved here last week.”

I'm happy for them. While America isn't the ideal place to live, it has much more freedom for homosexuals than some other countries did, even if we still have a long way to go.

I talk with him for a bit, finding out that they put the money I gave them to good use, getting a small house and saving the rest as they worked for full citizenship. I'm glad I could help them. All they had needed was a chance.

He asks about Eren and while I don't give him the full story, I do say that he has been sick lately and he was in the hospital. Miguel sounds concerned and tells me to say hello to Eren for both him and Gilberto.

I'm not to great of a conversationalist when it comes to phone calls, but Miguel chatters on excitedly. After a while, he tells me that he has to go and we say our goodbyes and he promises to call me again and thanks me repeatedly.

I tell Eren about the call and Eren looks pleased.

“ _I'm happy for them_ ,” he tells me, “ _You did a good thing, Levi_.”

I know that I did, but it feels weird being praised for something I didn't even think about. Eren pats my knee and grins at me, knowing that I was having some trouble accepting his words.

Mikasa and I continue to run, only lately, we've actually been talking to each other more. She tells me about school and Jean, sometimes complaining about the little habits he has, but I know she loves him. I talk about work and how my mom seems to be doing with Terry, who has all but moved into my mother's house, even though he has a house of his own. She teases me about getting a step-dad and I threaten her to wipe her out.

She doesn't believe me.

Things seem to be getting better. Not fixed, but better. I know it's too soon to grow comfortable, but Eren seems to be genuinely trying rather than giving up, although, he does have his days. He had admitted at one point that previously, he hadn't been taking his medication, and I know that may have had something to do with his behavior previously, but only a little part.

The day finally comes when Eren is released, and needless to say, we are all a bit nervous, Eren most of all.

“ _What if I'm not ready_?” he asks me, concern on his face.

I look up at him, seeing that he got his scarf back, despite the hot weather, and his hair is back in a messy ponytail. I know that he is still self-conscious about his scar, but I had hoped that he would forgo the scarf. However, I also knew that he hated people seeing what that bastard had done to him.

“I don't think that you are ever going to be fully ready, Eren,” I tell him, “But part of being brave is taking the first step even when you don't feel ready to.”

I take his hand and squeeze it and he nods.

He packs up the suitcase that we had brought him at the beginning of his stay, his mother helping him as Mikasa and I handing things to her to put in the suitcase.

Soon, Eren is all packed up and we go to check him out.

There is a disturbing lack of Armin that makes my heart sink. In almost a month and a half, Eren hadn't wanted to see Armin at all. I found it depressing. I knew Eren was still angry with Armin, but I also knew that him being angry wasn't going to change anything.

Mikasa and Jean still hung out with Armin at the Jaeger's house on a regular basis. I didn't think Mikasa planned on changing that anytime soon.

“It sure is a shame that you didn't want Armin here. I'm sure he would be here if you wanted,” I say quietly so only Eren can hear me.

He glares at me.  
“ _Leave it be,_ ” he signs.

“You can't stay mad at your best friend forever, Eren,” I tell him.

He purses his lips and says, “ _Watch me_ .”

While I loved how stubborn he was, he really could be a dumbass sometimes.

I roll my eyes and sigh, deciding to drop the subject. They both will figure it out. Hopefully. One can only wish for the best.

Once all the proper forms are signed and turned in, Eren is ready to leave. He pops his lips nervously before we all head out to the car.

“We cleaned your room for you,” Grisha tells Eren, which is basically saying that there isn't vomit on the bed anymore. Hopefully they burned those sheets.

Otherwise, it's relatively quite, but not tense. Eren seems relaxed, except the entire time, he is holding my hand and squeezing it the entire way home. In some strange way, it mirrors the way he came home from the hospital the first time.

His dad pulls into the driveway, and this time, Eren is the first one out of the car. We all file out, ready to help him bring his stuff into the house, but then he stops us.

“ _I need to do something. I promise I'll be back soon_ ,” he signs.

He doesn't wait for us to respond, just walks down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets. 

I think we are all a bit shocked. I look over at Mikasa and the Jaegers and see that none of them are making any movement to follow him. I see Mikasa nod, knowing that I am about to follow him and approving of my actions.

“I'm going with him,” I mumble before I jog to catch up with him.

He doesn't respond, just keeps walking, but I know he knew I would follow him. I shove my own hands into my pockets, walking silently along with him.

He is fidgety and looks as if he wants to turn around and bolt, but his footsteps never falter. He knows exactly where he wants to go and he isn't letting himself back out of it. Still, he seems agitated and downright scared.

At first, I think that he is going to see Armin, but he walks straight through town, not even bothering to stop at the street corner we would turn to get to Armin's house.

My second guess is the cemetery. Eren has only been there once and that was when he was still in the hospital the first time. Maybe he wants to say his goodbyes.

It's not until we are on the other side of town that I realize just where he is heading.

I don't stop him, but I wonder what he is trying to accomplish. I understand the need to face the source of his pain, but what he is looking for isn't there anymore.

We walk around the cul-de-sac, only three houses still there out of the four that used to be there.

We are where the coach's house used to be, only now, the land is level with no grass growing.

Eren stands in front of it, looking at it before actually going to stand on the land, looking downwards.

“ _I was underneath all this_ ,” he signs and I stay silent.

“ _I used to be beneath this ground_.”

I bite my lip before I answer.

“The house was burned down,” I tell him, but he already knew that.

He looks up at me with a measured expression.

“ _How did it burn down_?”

I let out a shaky sigh.

“The official story is that he burned it down to get rid of evidence before he killed himself,” I say, “But my guess would be angry kids with a grudge.”

I watch him as he thinks over my words.

“ _I see_ ,” he says, “ _Do you think those kids looked for any personal belongings that belonged to the victims before they burned it down_?”

I look away from him sadly.

“I'm sure that if they had, they would have given them to the remaining victim. Who knows what the bastard did with them.”

He looks at me and reaches up, touching his collarbone as if he will find the gift I gave him there.

“ _He took the key_ ,” Eren tells me, “ _I had hoped...that I would get it back someday, but I lost it. I'm sorry._ ”

I walk over towards him, taking his hands in mine.

“Listen, Bright Eyes,” I say, “That key...it's not as important as you. Just because it's gone, doesn't mean that it's some symbol of our relationship. It was a gift, and granted, it meant a lot, but you being alive means a lot more.”

Eren looks at me sadly and I can tell he doesn't believe me.

“I tried to find it, I really did,” I say, “But it was gone.”

We stand there for a long time, on the land that used to be the foundation of a horror house. I know that they probably even filled in the basement as everything in there was burned as well. At least the bodies had been recovered before then.

Eren shakes his hands from my grip and takes a deep breath before raising his hands to his ears. I watch with wide eyes as he puts his shaking hands to his headphones. His eyes are closed his breath is coming out jilted and stuttery. His bottom lip is trembling, despite him biting on it, trying to concentrate on what he is doing. He looks like as if he is in pain and I want to reach out and tell him that it's alright, he doesn't have to force himself, but I know this is important for him.

After a moment, however, he drops his hands and leans forward to drop his head onto my shoulder.

“I can't do it,” he breathes so quietly that I barely hear him, “I thought I could. But being here makes me sick. I just wanted to show...that he doesn't own me anymore.”

I wrap my arms around him, feeling wetness on my shoulder.

“It's okay,” I soothe, “Listen, Eren. You came here. You came to face the place that you were tortured. That's not an easy thing to accomplish. You may not be able to take your earphones out, but you are facing what happened instead of running from it. It's okay not to be able to do things. Let yourself heal.”

He returned my embrace, wrapping his arms around my waist and I knew that it couldn't be comfortable stooping so he could keep his head on my shoulder, but he did it anyway. I reached up with one hand and pet the back of his hand.

“I'm tired of being scared,” he breathes with a shaky breath.

“I know,” I say, “But I'm here to hold your hand when you do get scared.”

We stand there, him crying on my shoulder and I have a feeling its more than just being scared. While his friends' graves were elsewhere, this had been their tomb. I can't imagine how much courage it had taken him to even come here and I whisper just how proud I am of him for surviving this far and coming here to face some of his demons.

Because, in the end, Eren is still Eren and he always charges a challenge head on. Most would consider this to be a lack of fear, but I know that he is terrified, but that is the one thing he has determined to not hold him back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that we are getting down to the end of this fic. I'm not ready, guys! I'm not!
> 
> Remember how I said I enjoyed writing 'Past' chapters more than I did 'Present' chapters? Well, no it's opposite. I live for quiet moments of love between these two. :3


	53. Past

Work proved to be a good distraction from the dark thoughts that swirled in my mind. Granted, so did Hanji and Erwin hanging out with me as often as they could, saying that they wouldn't be able to once they went off to college, which is true.

I appreciate their company, but working gives me a sense of purpose, which I desperately need since Eren disappeared.

It had been four and a half months, and I still wasn't sure if I would ever get him out of my mind. I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

I found that Mrs. Brown's house was somewhat of a place of solace. Ever since the first house call, she had taken a liking to me. I couldn't figure out why. I did nothing but swear as I fixed the television and then saw how dusty the house was, telling her that her tip would be letting me clean 'the fucking dust' that seemed to have collected for over ten years.

“You lost someone, didn't you?” she asked during one of the bogus house calls she made.

“I'd rather not talk about it,” I replied, working on washing her dishes.

She only chuckled.

“I can tell by the way you carry yourself,” she told me, “Who was it?”

I put the dishrag down and spun around to face her, but she wasn't even looking at me. She was just looking out the window sadly and wistfully.

“That's none of your-”

“My son, Moses, was only twenty-three when he died,” she said suddenly, “By that time, my husband had already passed, so I was alone to bury my only son. I know how it is to carry the weight you are carrying.”

I deflated, not being able to stay angry at the old woman.

I turned back to the dishes.

“He's not dead,” I said, “His name is Eren and he isn't dead.”

She was silent for a moment before she asked, “Eren Jaeger. The boy who got kidnapped?”

My hands clenched around the plate I was holding, but I nodded.

“Yes,” I almost whispered, “He was- _is_ \- my boyfriend.”

I expected judgment, but instead, I heard a smile in her voice when she said, “Show me a picture of him.”

I am more than willing to comply, showing her pictures of my green-eyed beauty that I had not been able to see or touch for four and a half months.

“I miss him,” I admitted, “I'm scared for him.”

Mrs. Brown hummed.

“Of course you do, dear,” she told me, “You love him and it hurts when the person you love is in danger. It's scary to not know where they are or what is happening to them. It's alright to have these emotions.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled, my mind buzzing still. Mrs. Brown knew what it was like to lose someone you loved deeply, but she still kept a smile on her face somehow, despite being left alone.

“How do you do it?” I asked, “How did you not break?”

She smiled kindly at me.

“I knew that my husband and my son wouldn't have wanted me to give up,” she answered, “And after a while, I didn't want to give up either. That, and my friends have always been an invaluable resource. Don't push your friends away, alright?”

I nodded before she grinned at me.

“Good, now you need to get back to your actual job,” she said, “I'm sure your boss doesn't pay you to wash an old lady's dishes.”

* * *

 

I noticed something strange about Isabel in the short time I had been working at Recon Electronics. I didn't ever remember her to be the type to wear copious amounts of make up, but she did then. Not that it was any of my business what she liked to wear, I just found it curious.

Not only that, but she wore longer sleeves, even on hot days. Not long enough to cover her entire arm, but right to the forearm at least.

What gave it away, however, was when Farlan grabbed a fly swatter to kill one of those pesky fuckers and raised it to do so. The fly had landed somewhere near Isabel, but it didn't matter once she let out a terrified squeak.

Farlan had paused before putting the fly swatter down.

“Are you alright?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“Yeah! I'm fine!” she said in her usual chipper tone, “You just surprised me is all!”

Farlan confided to me later that she had looked a little more than just surprised.

Things were still awkward between Isabel and I, so I knew she wouldn't really open up to me, but I thought if Farlan talked to her, she would say something, but it didn't work. Instead, she only got angry, saying that he was reading too much into things.

It wasn't until near the middle of August that anything happened.

I was up front, manning the cash register when a tall man with a clean shaven face and a body built like an ox came in. He reminded me of Eren's friend, Reiner, except he had dark hair and a look that held nothing but anger.

“Can I help you, sir?” I asked, hoping this wasn't another dissatisfied customers. We didn't get them often, but they were never pleasant to deal with.

“I'm here to see Bella,” he replied tersely, and at first, I had no idea who he was talking about.

“Bella?” I asked.

“Yeah, Isabel Magnolia,” he snapped, “My girlfriend.”

I didn't think it was a good idea to tell him she was at the shop, but I don't think lying would have helped anybody.

I was just about to tell him that she was busy when she came out and spotted him. I didn't miss the way that her face drained of color before she glanced at me and stretched a smile onto her face.

“Berik! What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I need to talk to you,” he said angrily.

“Can't it wait until I get home?” she inquired, “I'm really-”

“Bella,” he said in a bone chilling voice that left no room for argument.

She hesitated and looked over at me before she said, “It will just be one minute.”

I nodded, and watched as she pulled the guy, Berik, over to one of the corners of the store. I had a hard time seeing her, so I shifted so I could see them better. I really didn't like the way that guy looked and acted.

“What are you doing?” I heard Farlan ask.

“Is that guy Izzy's boyfriend?” I asked him and Farlan looked before his expression darkened.

“Yes,” he said flatly, “I don't like him.”

“I would say that it was your jealousy speaking,” I said quietly, “But I don't like him either. There is something off about him.”

Farlan nodded before he paused.

“Wait...jealousy?”

I turned to look at him, about to say some thing smart, but I heard the sound of flesh against flesh. It wasn't a slap either; it was a  _thunk_ before the telltale sound of bone crunching.

While I didn't see what happened, Farlan did and his expression turned to rage in an instant, as I'm sure mine did as well. I turned back to see Isabel stumbling away with her hand over her face and the Berik guy still in a post-punch position.

“Listen here, you little bi-”

He didn't get to finish his sentence because Farlan and I were on that shit so fast.

Like we had planned it, Farlan got Isabel away from the hulking man as I took him down with one clean leg sweep. 

I flipped him onto his stomach and wrenched both of his arms behind his back and hearing him cry out painfully was satisfying.

“What, you have no problem beating the shit out of someone half your size, but when someone like me causes you the slightest bit of pain, you can't handle it?” I spat.

“Get the fuck off of me!” He sneered as he struggled, but any time he did, I bent his arm farther up his back.

“Not until the police get here,” I said, looking over at Farlan, his cue to call the police.

He reached for his phone but Isabel stopped him.

“No, no. Don't,” she said quietly and this is the most reserved I've ever seen her, “Levi, let him up.”

“What the fuck? No!” I exclaimed, “Isabel, have you lost your damn mind? This guy just attacked you and probably broke your nose. And I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time it's happened.”

“I can't just have him go to jail!” she cried out, distressed, trying to staunch the flow of blood with tissues.

“So you would rather him walk around with the potential of hurting you again or some other woman?” I asked, “Izzy, that's ridiculous.”

“Mind your own fucking business!” the man beneath me yelled and Isabel physically shrank away from him. It was heart wrenching to see someone as free spirited and strong as her afraid of scum like this.

“Isabel,” Farlan said quietly, “I know you love him, or you think you do because at this point, I think it's mostly fear now, but he's going to kill you one of these days. Get out of this while you can. Please, Isabel. Think of your safety.”

She looks torn, not sure what to do. 

“Bella, baby, I'm sorry,” Berik started to whimper, “I didn't mean to. You just know how I lose control sometime. I'll make it up to-”

“Shut the fuck up,” I said, twisting his arm further, “How many times have you said that to her?”

Isabel looked shaky, but her voice piped up.

“One too many,” she said, voice muffled by the tissues, “And it's the last time. Go ahead, Farlan.”

* * *

 

After being questioned by the police and a trip to the hospital, Farlan going with Isabel while I minded the shop, we all found ourselves at Farlan's apartment, pillows and blankets everywhere with pizza and some cheesy chick flick on.

It was late, so I texted my mom, telling her where I was and that I wasn't coming home.

Isabel hadn't cried, she just accepted the turn of events blankly. She had been silent ever since she told Farlan to call the cops.

However, it was her to break the silence.

“I did love him, you know,” she said, “He was really nice and loving. We graduated high school together and I decided to move in with him. I was in the foster system, so I figured I had nowhere better to be. He was my everything.”

She looked down at her piece of pizza, contemplating.

“I suppose I was afraid that I wouldn't have anywhere else to go once he started hitting me,” she continued, “He kept telling me that nobody would love me like he did and that he was doing me a favor, but then he would feel bad and get me flowers or take me to a really nice restaurant. I...thought that he...really loved me. But after a while, it became clear he didn't. I was just scared what people would think of a girl who stayed in an abusive relationship and I still didn't have a place to go. Still don't. And the stupid thing is, I still want to forgive him.”

Farlan and I waited for more, but it was clear she was done when she took a bite of her pizza.

She stretched and let out a “Whooo! That felt good!”

I didn't understand how she could be so carefree about this whole situation, but I realized that it just might be her way of dealing with things.

“You guys should try that sometime,” she said, “Just laying it all out. It feels better and it makes you less moody!”

Farlan didn't say anything, and as much as I don't want to, I remember Mrs. Browns words of friends being an invaluable resource.

“My boyfriend was kidnapped almost five months ago and nobody has any idea where he went. He was part of all those other kidnappings,” I said, “We had been dating for over a year and I was going to take him to that aquarium in Trost for his birthday, but he never got to go.”

Farlan frowned and Isabel whistled.

“That really sucks, Big Bro,” she told me and I decided not to question my sudden nickname, “You must really love him.”

“I do,” I admitted, “And I miss him so damn much that it hurts every day.”

They both looked sympathetic, which wass fucking ridiculous in Isabel's case since she was in an abusive relationship.

“While we are laying everything out on the table,” Farlan said, “You two mind sharing what the fuck happened between the two of you?”

Isabel turned red and I coughed, trying to think of a way to change the subject.

“Were you two old flames or something?”

Isabel and I looked at each other before looking away.

“Not exactly...” I answered, “We might have...done it once just to get it out of the way.”

“You took advantage of a drunk girl!” Isabel wailed.

“Oi, don't start! I was drunk to and it's not like I forced you into anything,” I retorted, “You were all over _me_!”

“Only because you said you were a virgin too! Who knew you would be that terrible at it!” she said.

“At least I didn't start crying!”

“You went limper than a dead fish in the middle of it!”

“Yeah, because you were crying!”

There was moment of silence where we are staring at each other, not wanting to back down, but then Farlan started laughing.

“Holy shit,” he wheezed, “You two...oh my g...I can't believe the two of you!”

He was laughing so hard, tears were collecting at the corners of his eyes. Then, Isabel started giggling and I couldn't contain my chuckles. Soon, all three of us were just laughing. I hadn't laughed in so long and it felt nice to relieve the tension.

“So, Farlan, now that you know about our first time, what about yours?” Isabel said as she tried to sober herself.

“Haven't had sex,” Farlan told her.

“What? You are telling me that a hot guy like you never found anyone in high school that wanted to ring the Church bells?”

He blushed at the 'hot guy' comment while I started to laugh at ringing the 'Church bells'.

“I was home schooled. Plus, I'm asexual,” he replied.

We both looked at him closely.

“But...you aren't weird,” she said confusedly.

“Asexuals aren't weird!” he defended, “Sex just never appealed to me at all.”

“No, no. I get that. Honestly, you aren't missing out on much,” she told him while I mumbled that I begged to differ, “I meant that you aren't weird despite being home schooled.”

He stared at her before stuttering, “Home schoolers aren't weird either!”

“Most of them are,” I said, taking another slice of pizza, “They always seem really socially awkward.”

“That isn't all home schoolers, you assholes! Not every single one is weird,” he said, “Although, I did once meet this home schooler who collected Dorito bags and when I asked him why, he said that he liked his room smelling like them. He also thought that he was a Jedi who had his memories removed.”

“See?! Weird!” Isabel shouted.

“Shut up, Izzy, you cry during sex,” Farlan muttered.

“That was one time!”

This was what I had needed. Despite the grim circumstances that had brought us to the apartment, we found comfort in each other.

I wondered what Eren would think of the two of them. Doubtless, he would get along fine with them. He had that sort of personality.

I found that Mrs. Brown had been right about friends. While I still wasn't ready to face the possibility that Eren might not ever come back, with my friends here, I realized I wasn't as alone as I had thought.

 


	54. Present

There are significant changes over the next few months that started out small.

First, Eren stays at my house a lot more often. I slowly start to notice that he has a toothbrush here and his clothes take up half of the dresser and he has stuff he is storing in the attic.

He says that he will stay with me for the night then go home, but he ends up staying for a week before going home for a day. Then he comes back and does it all over again until he just stops going home and stays at my place.

I don't mind, in fact, I welcome Eren moving in with me. It feels natural and casual. While we still don't have sex, Eren not being ready for it, but we do tend to get handsy with each other, giving each other long, lingering kisses whenever we feel like it, and cuddle up to each other whenever we like. It's nice and comfortable, but something lingers at the edges. It's something I can't place and I feel as if this domesticated living between the two of us is temporary.

I don't think Eren would try to do anything again, at least, I hope he won't, but I can tell that he is restless.

He gets a job at the local animal shelter as well part time as well as the local newspaper, being the assistant photographer. That seems to help, but there is still something there that I don't think even Eren understands.

I start going to college online, as tedious as it is. Even though Pixis said he would pay me to go to school for the job, I decide to pay for it myself. It would make no sense to let someone else pay if I had more than enough to pay tuition. It just felt wrong to do it any other way.

Eren teases me when I am on the computer doing my homework with my glasses on my face.

“ _You look like a qualified nerd now_ ,” he jokes and I only respond by flipping him the bird.

Another change is in the dynamics of our friendships.

Erwin and Hanji go back to college, making sure that I know that I can call them anytime. After saying goodbye to them twice before when they go to college, it really feels no different than before. Maybe its because I see them more often, but I know that Isabel, Farlan, and I are growing even closer than before and I wonder if it will affect my relationship with Erwin and Hanji.

Eren still hasn't talked to Armin and has become weirdly close to Krista of all people. It's not unusual for us to go on a double date with Krista and Ymir, who are sickeningly sweet on each one. Seriously, it's like drinking sugar.

I still run with Mikasa, Eren joining us once or twice before he tells us that despite my short legs, I run like Usain Bolt. I decide to take it as a compliment, ignoring the leg comment.

Mikasa tells me that even though Eren still wasn't talking to Armin, Armin managed to connect with Jean in a weird way. I'm not sure why, but I can see the two of them getting along, despite them being polar opposite personalities. Despite what Jean and Eren think, the two of them are alike in many ways. If Armin and Eren can get along, I can see Jean and Armin getting along very well.

I tell Eren this, hoping for some response, but he only shrugs.

“Eren, you're going to lose your fucking best friend if you don't stop being so hard headed,” I sigh, “You two just need to get over yourselves.”

Eren only rolls his eyes and I can tell that I'm not going to get through to him.

The weather gradually gets colder and I turn the heat on in the house. It's strange that I have a house to take care of now, but it's also peaceful. I don't have to pay rent or worry about neighbors making noise above or below me. It's a bit of a hassle keeping it all clean, but Eren actively tries to help me as best as he can.

I'm surprised when Eren comes home with a dog one day, however. Surprised and less than thrilled.

“What the fuck is this, Eren,” I look at the black dog, sitting on the floor as he sat on the couch.

“ _This is Marney_ ,” he answers, “ _She's a flat-coated retriever_.”

“That's great and all, but what is it doing in the house?” I ask.

“ _Well_ ,” he starts and he fidgets, “ _Mrs. Brown wanted you to get a pet and since it's been a year, I figured that I might as well get one for us. Marney is a rescue dog. She's only two years old and is really well behaved_.”

He is looking at me with those pleading eyes and I look back at the dog.

“I was planning on getting a cat or maybe a fish,” I mutter, “Not a fucking dog.”

“ _But look at her, Levi_!” he signs frantically, “ _You can't just send her back_!”

The dog looks over at me and I'm still not too convinced. However, Eren seems to have fallen in love with her and having a dog to protect the house wouldn't be so bad.

“Is she up to date on her shots?” I ask and Eren nods, “Is she fixed? Potty trained?”

He nods again and I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Fine,” I concede, “But next time, let's talk about it before you bring an animal home from work.”

Eren grins and jumps up to give me a huge hug.

Marney, for the most part, settles into everyday living with ease. I often find her head on my thigh while I absently pet her. Something I hadn't wanted to happen was her sleeping on the bed, but Eren insists and it is a big enough bed for all three of us fit. Fortunately, she only sleeps at the bottom of the bed.

She also seems to help with Eren's nightmares, which he still has frequently. She seems to sense them before I do, whining until I wake up and see that Eren is crying in his sleep. His night terrors don't happen often, but he almost always has an accident when they do. This usually leads to him being severely depressed and embarrassed as I change the sheets, thankful that I have a mattress pad.

I usually hold him, caressing the back of his head as he lays across my chest. I know that when he falls asleep, he will shift away from me, but now, he needs someone to hold him and talk to him.

“I can't keep my promise,” he breathes one night. I have picked up that he has a habit of breathing his words when we are close like this, not wanting to pull away and sign. I sometimes have a hard time understanding what he is saying because his words are so quiet, but I can usually figure them out.

“What promise?” I ask.

“My promise to...everyone,” he tells me, “I can't deliver their messages.”

I realize he is talking about the people that died in front of him.

“Ever?” I ask him quietly.

He is silent for a long time and I almost think that he fell asleep, but then he breathes out, “Maybe someday.”

I pat his head.

“I'm sure they would understand,” I say with conviction, “I'm sure they know that you will, you just aren't ready yet.”

“I will,” he vows, “Someday.”

I believe him.

It isn't until November that another change happens, this one taking me completely by surprise.

My mom decided to invite the Jaegers as well as Eren and I to Thanksgiving dinner. Terry was there as well and it is the first time that Terry and Eren formally meet.

The dinner over all is nice. Mikasa is apparently spending Thanksgiving dinner with Jean and his family, which mom my fawns over. It's a nice dinner, complete with desert, which happens to be Mrs. Jaeger's apple pie. I always thought her pie was fucking delicious and it disheartens me that there is only enough for each person to take one. Eren laughs silently and assures me that he knows how to make it.

We all leave, late, and my mother dotes on me, asking both Eren and I if we are eating healthy and if we have enough of everything at the house. Mrs. Jaeger insists that we invite them over sometime since none of them have seen the house. What gets me is how offended she actually looks.

We manage to get home and I let the dog out in our backyard, letting her do her business before bringing her inside to get ready for bed.

Eren stops me from sliding underneath the covers as he stands on the other side of the room.

“What is it?” I ask. I can see him shaking and I wonder what happened in the short amount of time that I took the dog out and got ready for bed.

He moves, almost as if he practiced the motion, and takes his iPod, pressing something on the screen before he pulls the headphones out and sets it on the desk.

He stands there, fists clenched and eyes shut tight, breathing hard as I stare at him, wide-eyed. For the first time in over two years, he took his headphones off. And I have no idea how to react.

Without opening his eyes, he starts to sign.

“ _Ian told me that I use my music as a crutch, a sort of security blanket that I use to feel protected_ ,” he explains, “ _He said it wasn't a bad thing, but asked that maybe I can find a place where I wouldn't need my music to feel protected, and then work outwards. I want this room to be my safe place_.”

I blink at him and realize that this is him trying and growing. He is still shaking, however, and I know he is fighting the urge to have a breakdown.

I go over to him and take his face in my hands, pulling him down into a kiss. He doesn't move for a few seconds before he responds, putting his hands on my waist.

I wrap my arms around the back of his neck, swiping my tongue along the bottom lip, trying to get him to deepen the kiss. And he does. Our tongues swirl together, the feel of his on the roof of my mouth making me press closer to him. We are breathing through our noses heavily, but there is no way we want to stop.

Kissing Eren is warm. It's not hot or cold, just simply warm and natural and comfortable. It's like I don't realize how much I love kissing him until I do. The feel of his hands wandering my body, feeling him put pressure on random places that just feels too good. The feeling of him handling me like I'm something important. It's peaceful and easy, getting to know each other through the power of our touches.

Eren pulls away eventually, mouthing 'Sorry' before he reaches for his iPod once more, putting in his headphones.

“It's alright,” I assure him, a bit breathless, “Baby steps, Eren. You did great.”

I can't tell him how happy I am that he chose here to be his safe place.

“I love you, Eren,” I say as I give him a more chaste kiss this time, “You did so well.”

He still looks shaky but his expression is a little pleased too. We get into bed, his head on my chest again as I stroke his hair. 

It was taking time, but Eren was patching himself up, and this time, he was using stronger glue.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters...


	55. Past

Isabel ended up staying with Farlan until she could get her life together. Much to my surprise, any arguments they had at home didn't affect their work any, even if they would occasionally make snide comments to each other every once and a while.

Farlan and I went to the apartment that Isabel and her cum guzzling ex-boyfriend used to stay at and got all of her stuff out for her. She said she would have come, but neither one of us wanted her to face the possibility of Berik being there just in case he got out on bail.

“I'm worried about her,” Farlan said.

“Izzy? Well, duh,” I replied, “That's a good thing.”

“It's just that...well she doesn't think I hear her, but she cries herself to sleep sometimes,” Farlan admitted, “I don't know how to comfort her or anything.”

I pursed my lips and thought.

“I think that by just doing this kind of thing is enough,” I told him, “She lived in a foster home so she has literally no other place to go and it seems like we are the only people she can rely on right now. It can't be easy.”

Farlan nodded and I knew that he would work it out.

Erwin and Hanji and the rest of the gang went to college, leaving me behind. Petra was tho only one that cried openly, Auruo trying to be discreet about it, but it was extremely disheartening to see them go. I felt as if I were the only one not moving on because I couldn't.

Hanji gave me a long hug, telling me to call anytime even though she would be on the other side of the country.

Erwin would be closer, going to Trost about three hours away. Figures that both of my best friends would be going to elite schools.

School started for Mikasa, which affected our running, but we still managed to do it whenever we could. I was glad that she still wanted to; even if she didn't particularly like me, it was nice to get some exercise with someone who was equal to me physically.

I was working when it happened. Normally I didn't have my cellphone even on me, but I was glad that I did.

My phone kept buzzing and I figured it could wait, but whoever it was just kept calling. Finally, I caved and took my phone out of my pocket and seeing that it was Mikasa, I answered.

“Mikasa, I'm at work right now,” I whispered, “Hoping that Nile Dawk the Douchbag wouldn't catch me on my phone, “What the fuck do you want?”

It was silent for a moment but then I heard a lone sob.

“L-Levi...” she said in a quiet watery voice.

My heart fell and suddenly the only reason that Mikasa would be calling hit me and by the way she sounded, it wasn't good news.

“No,” I said with wide eyes, “Mikasa, please tell me he isn't-he's not-I don't-”

“Levi, they found him,” she cried, “He's alive. He's alive.”

She was sobbing on the other end but I processed her words carefully. Eren was alive. Six months of agonizing uncertainty and pain had just come to an end by those simple words.

I couldn't figure out what I was feeling. It was something like relief, only so much stronger. I could feel my breathing speed up as I listened to Mikasa cry on the other end of the phone. My boyfriend, her brother, was alive.

I stood, not caring if Nile saw me anymore.

“Big Bro...?” I heard Isabel ask but I didn't pay any attention to her.

“Mikasa, where is he?” I demanded, “Tell me where he's at.”

“Dad's h-hospital,” she stuttered.

“I'll be right there,” I told her before I hung up.

I gathered my stuff in flurry, forgetting to clock, out and practically booked it to my car. I knew I shouldn't be driving in the condition I was in, but I needed to get there, needed to be close.

I'll never figure out how I didn't wreck the car on the way there. I would consider it a miracle, but the real miracle was that Eren was alive.

I kept repeating it to myself as I drove.

Eren was alive.

I pulled into the parking lot, barely pressing on the breaks as I sped into a parking spot. I don't even know if I locked my car before I ran in, looking around for a familiar face. I saw Carla first, sitting and crying with Mikasa sitting on one side and Grisha sitting on the other side. Armin was beside Mikasa with his knees drawn up.

I was asking questions before I even approached them.

“Where is he? Where _was_ he? Is he alright? What happened? Who was the fucker that did this?”

The all looked up at me as I stood there, breathing hard.

“We don't know anything yet,” Grisha said in a cracking voice, “Officer Hannes...was the one that recovered him and he hasn't told us anything.”

I looked over to see the police officer staring at his hands 

“Oi!” I said, getting his attention and he looked up, “Spill. What the fuck happened?”

He looked shaky but he took a deep breath and looked over at the Jaeger's.

“Do you want me to reveal it in front of non-family members?” he asked.

“They _are_ family,” Mikasa snarled and I was shocked, but I didn't say anything.

Carla nodded.

“Just tell us. Please.”

He bit his lip before he started.

“Late last night, two girls came to the station and one of them told us about a man trying to kidnap her and forcibly put her in his car. I can't reveal the victim's name, but she said she held her own until the other girl came to help. The man drove off, but they recognized it as the baseball coach from the high school.”

My face turned white and I felt my body go cold. 

Mikasa hissed as Mrs. Jaeger sucked in a breath.

“Even though there hadn't been a kidnapping since March, we decided to get a warrant to search his house. We figured that we couldn't be too careful. We had expected to meet some resistance, but it turned out the bastard wasn't even there. We had the S.W.A.T. Team break down the door and we searched the entire house, even the basement and found nothing. We figured that we would just search for evidence, but then one of the newbie's, Officer Marlowe, found a well concealed hatch door in the basement. We weren't sure of what we would find, but when we opened that door, there was the smell of...well, of rotting flesh. It only got stronger the farther we went down.

“There was a ladder going down and we ended up in some sort of creepy operation room that was cleaned spotless, but we could still smell something horrible.

“There was a giant mirror beside the door and after we gave the signal, the door was opened. I swear, the smell just about knocked us out. Some men puked and they hadn't even seen what was inside yet.

“Bodies. That's what that sicko had in his basement. Mutilated, mangled, rotting corpses. Those who didn't puke from the smell puked from the sight.

“I thought they were all dead until Eren shot up and scrambled away from us like a frightened rabbit, but there was nowhere to go. He looked...well, you will see how he looks, but just be warned, he doesn't look good.

“We had to sedate him because he was panicking too much and...and...”

Hannes seemed to choke on his words and stops, putting his face in his hands.

He said nothing else and shook with silent sobs.

“That means...the rest of our friends are dead,” Armin said quietly, “Marco and Mina and Thomas and the rest. They're dead.”

That was sobering news. While Eren might have been recovered, there were still families that would have to bury their dead, parents who would have to say goodbye to their children, and they weren't even in one fucking piece.

I loathed useless deaths like this. What was the fucking point? What did that bastard of a coach have to gain from this?

I remembered how close I was to getting in the car with him. I could have been taken too, ending up like one of those half-corpses. All because I was a fool and trusted him. They had all trusted him because he had seemed harmless. What a fucking joke.

Waiting was the hardest part. We had been told that he was being operated on, but they didn't say what of.

It was well into the evening before doctor came back, telling us that we could see him, but he was asleep. She looked like he was going to object to Armin and I going with the family, but only sighed. I knew there was a rule about family only, but she must have been feeling generous.

We entered the room and Carla was the first to his side, stroking his face and crying.

“My baby. My poor baby boy,” she sobbed.

I hesitantly brought myself over to the bed and literally gasped.

Eren's cheeks were sunken in and he was pale to the point that his skin almost looked translucent. He couldn't weigh more than ninety pounds now, looking spindly and fragile. What caught my attention, however was the deep red wound that had been recently stitched by the look of it. 

Grisha was caressing the side of his son's face with silent tears running down his face while Mikasa fell to her knees and pressed her head against the side of the bed, crying.

I approached and took one of Eren's hands gently and pressed my face to it. He was so cold, it was almost like he was dead.

“Was the operation for his throat?” I hard Armin ask the doctor.

“Yes,” the doctor said, clearing her throat, “When he came in, his stitches had healed into his throat. They were crudely done and we had to be careful when removing them. We also had to operate on his throat itself. The damage done there was...immense.”

We all looked at her, wondering if she was going to explain. She looked as if she didn't want to, but sighed sadly and continued.

“Eren's vocal cords were removed. Now, usually, we would have been able to repair the damage and replace them with synthetic vocal cords, but it was almost like his vocal cords were ripped from him, in the most literal sense of the word. His esophagus was damaged and I don't know how he was able to breathe. Whoever had done this didn't know what they were doing and it's very lucky that he survived.”

There was a breath of silence before Armin, predictably, asked another question.

“You said that normally you would be able to replace his vocal cords...can you not do that?”

She shifted but then shook her head.

“Eren's throat is just simply too damaged. It's a rare case, but the fact of the matter is that Eren won't be able to speak again,” she answered with a steady voice.

We all looked over to Eren, heart monitors beeping steadily. Carla started crying again while her husband looked pained.

The doctor left us, tell us that she would be back in case we had any questions later. 

Armin sat on the bed and drew his knees up, letting his own tears fall from his face. It seemed as if I was the only one who couldn't cry.

I could only sit there with Eren's cold hand in mine and wonder why someone as wonderful as him had to suffer like he did. Fuck only knows what he went through.

We sat together like that for a while, happy that he was alive, but saddened by what he had had to endure and what the future holds for him, a person who knew so many languages but would never be able to speak again. 

Because as hard as this was for us, it was going to be a million times harder for him.

* * *

 

Two weeks passed and they kept Eren in a medically induced coma so he could heal. Nobody was sure how he would react when he woke up.

It was a stressful two weeks. 

The local cemetery made a special place for the victim's of what was now being labeled as the 'Shiganshina Tragedy' and it was a joint funeral with hundreds of people there. Hanji flew back to make it to the funeral and the others came back as well.

It was a somber time. There was a memorial service held at the school before the people closest to the victims went to the cemetery to lower the bodies in the ground. 

Annie stood with a stone face and silent tears as Mina was lowered, Armin at her side, clasping her hand tightly. 

Jean fell to his knees when Marco was lowered, sobs wracking his body. Mikasa knelt beside him, pulling his head to her chest as he clung to her and cried, never taking his eyes off the casket. He was also the first to throw dirt in.

The coach still hadn't been caught. The bastard couldn't hide forever though. He had nowhere to go and his house was constantly under surveillance.

A night came where Erwin showed up at my doorstep, looking grim and serious.

“Erwin! What are you doing here?” my mother asked, smiling at him.

“Didn't Levi tell you? He's spending the night at my place before I have to go back to college,” he said.

I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about, but I played along.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to say something,” I lied, “Is it alright if I go?”

My mother nodded, looking suspicious, but she smiled anyway, telling us to have fun. I went upstairs to get clothes, Erwin telling me to bring dark clothes. That's how I knew that we were going to be doing something that might not be legal.

We drove to the other side of town and before I knew it we were parked.

“Change here,” Erwin commanded, “We're walking the rest of the way.”

I didn't ask what the fuck he was planning, just did as I was told. When I got out of the car, Erwin was changed as well and was handing me two gas cans as he took two himself.

“Erwin, wha-”

“Let's go,” he said and he started walking.

We walked a couple of blocks before we turned into a cul-de-sac and I could see a large group waiting.

“Took you long enough!” the familiar voice of Hanji reached me, “We were wondering if breaking the law was something that you morally couldn't do, Erwin.”

It was dark, but I could recognize Petra and Auruo standing a little farther off, talking with Jean and Mikasa. Gunter and Erd were there as well as Eren's friends. Even Mike was present and everyone had their own gas cans.

“Erwin,” I said, “Please tell me that we are not going to burn a house to the ground.”

“The police have gotten all the evidence they need and he doesn't have any family that would take his things. His house will be government property since it's technically an abandoned building. That will also make it more of a misdemeanor rather than a felony.”

“It was Connie and Sasha's idea!” Hanji said excitedly, “I'm so glad I got to be here to burn this fucker's house.”

“There is literally a cop right over there,” I pointed out.

“That's Marlowe,” Ymir piped up and I hadn't even noticed that her and Krista were there. Over the two weeks, I found out that it was Krista the coach had tried to kidnap.

“I see nothing,” Marlowe said from his cop car, looking at his phone and I'm pretty sure he could lose his job for this, but that wasn't something that concerned me. If he was going to let this happen, I was more than willing to do it.

“Then let's get started,” I said.

Unsurprisingly, the door was locked and Sasha was about to throw a rock through the window, but Bertholdt picked the lock with surprising ease.

“That's my boyfriend,” Reiner grinned.

We were in and it felt strange being in a psychopath's house.

“Before we start dumping gas everywhere, try to find anything that would have belonged to them,” Annie said and we all agreed that it would be wise.

However, even after all of us searching every place we could, except the basement because nobody wanted to go down there, we found nothing. I had hoped I would find the key I had given Eren, but no such luck.

“Alright,” Erwin said, “We need to get started. We only have a little bit of time before Marlowe has to report something.”

We all nodded and we all started off in different directions, pouring gasoline over everything we could. Chairs, papers, pictures, bedding. Nothing was spared. When we ran out of gas in one can, we started with another, throwing the empty one away from us.

Hanji poured some down into the basement were Eren had been, but didn't go down. Even she wasn't insane enough to want to see it. Plus, there had been pictures taken that we had seen previously.

Soon, we were all outside and it was decided that Jean should light the fire.

He struck a match, took a deep breath, and then threw it at the line of gasoline that we had made outside.

The flame spread, going toward the house and climbing up the front porch. I didn't think anything was going to happen real fast, but suddenly, the entire house was in flames and it was so incredibly hot that we all went to the other side of the street to watch.

“Just a warning,” Marlowe said from the car, “I'm going to have to call in and say that the house is on fire. Two minute warning.”

“There's no way we can get out of this,” I said, “We are going to be caught eventually.”

“The official story is going to be that he came in through the back and burned the house down to get rid of evidence before he committed suicide,” Erwin said in a chilling voice and I looked up at him. Nobody else had heard him, but I had.

I watched as the fire reflected in his cold, blue eyes and his posture never changed. 

“Suicide?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes,” he replied quietly not turning away from the fire, “It's unfortunate that he committed suicide before he could be charged.”

Something about the way he said it and the conviction on his face made me realize that while Erwin was my best friend, I was incredibly terrified of what he could do. I had always thought that given the right situation, Erwin could put away his morality to do something that most would consider wrong. His words that night only proved me right.

“Yeah,” I said, looking back at the fire, “It's a fucking shame.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't include Eren waking up because...well...I didn't really want to. It was explained at the beginning what happens when he does wake up and so I figured that any more exposition on that would be unnecessary. 
> 
> This is the last 'Past' chapter!!! Was it a good way to end the 'Past' chapters or no? 
> 
> Anyway, two more chapters!!!


	56. Present

The funny thing about time is that it goes so slowly but then you realize just how much time has passed.

I find this to be true as Eren and I continue living together.

Christmas, as well as my twenty-first birthday, comes around. In celebration, Hanji and Erwin make me drink until I black out and when I regain consciousness, Eren is taking care of me and keeping a bucket close for my hangover that literally lasts three days.

“You aren't doing it right if you aren't hungover for a week!” Hanji tells me and I reply by flipping her off and vowing never to drink again.

By some coincidence, or maybe Eren stops being stubborn, Armin and Eren start talking again after New Year's. However, it's clear to see that while they talk like they did before, they are heading in different directions in life. I know that their friendship is a lot stronger than that, but I think that maybe your childhood friends aren't always the ones who know you the best.

Eren gradually works his way to not using his headphones in the bedroom at all. It's sort of an exercise for him. He will take out his headphones, lasting for as long as he can before he puts them back on and crawling into bed. One night, he gets into the bed without the headphones at all.

After that, his headphones are the first thing to come off when he enters the bedroom.

Valentine's Day comes around and I can't wait to give Eren his gift.

I present it to him first thing in the morning, just after we had both gotten home from having dinner together.

He pulls out the leather cord, that had a key on it, identical to the one I had given him long ago.

“It's not the same one,” I tell him, “I had it made and it's engraved with your name. It might not hold the same sentimental value, but I think that it can have it's own special meaning for the two of us.”

He looks from me to the key and then back to me before he throws his arms around me, kissing my cheek.

He pulls away and eagerly puts it on, looking down as it hangs, but it is tangled up with his scarf.

“ _I have a present for you too_ ,” he tells me after a moment, looking nervous.

“Good, because then this would have been awkward,” I joke and he rolls his eyes.

Slowly, he shifts over so he is straddling my lap on the bed and I only stare at him, my brain drawing a blank as to what I'm supposed to do.

He bends his head down and captures mine as I place my hands on his hips. He kisses me fervently, each of us trying to take control of the kiss. Usually, Eren is the one who yields, but tonight, he is more insistent and eventually, I let him do as he pleases. 

His tongue is hot in my mouth and the way it caresses my own makes it hard to control whatever my dick is trying to do. 

Making out isn't new for us, but the feeling behind this particular time is and I don't want to overstep my boundaries with Eren.

I involuntarily let out a moan when Eren traces his hands down my body. He pulls away and looks pleased.

He reaches up and starts unwrapping the scarf from his neck before letting it fall to the ground. I look at him, seeing him nervous and waiting for my reaction. This is the first time that he has voluntarily shed the scarf for me, letting me see the ugly scar beneath.

Instead of saying anything, I lean forward and start placing chaste kisses across it before I start kissing down his neck as well, sucking and nipping at various places, determined to leave my own marks on him.

He gasps from above me before he shudders. Suddenly, I'm on my back with him looking down at me and I know that he doesn't want this to end with just us making out until we get tired and cuddle.

“Eren, are you sure?” I whisper.

He answers by rolling his hips against mine, causing me to hiss with pleasure.

He kisses me again, bringing his hands down to the edges of my shirt before his hands sneak underneath it. His touches are featherlight, yet the leave invisible burning marks against my skin and I shiver. 

He's touching me and kissing me and it's making it hard to breathe, but it's in the best way. I grow impatient and reach down to his shirt, pulling it off so he is half naked above me. His eyes are glowing in the way where I can see the lust in his eyes clearly. It's been nearly three years since I've last touched Eren this way and I want him all. 

“Eren,” I say breathlessly and he unbuttons my shirt with deft fingers before he got it off me completely.

He presses his lips against my collarbone, his mouth hot against my skin as he bites at it. He swipes his tongue against my skin and I inhale a stuttering breath.

He takes his time, mapping out my body, looking at it like he's never seen it before. His hands are everywhere and I keep touching him like my life depends on it.

Slowly, he reaches the top of my pants and he mouths the clothed erection, making me buck into him.

He unbuttons my pants and slides them, as well as my underwear off and I'm naked beneath him.

He doesn't do anything for a couple moments, just stares at me as if I am the sun and he is a blind man looking at it for the first time. It makes me almost uncomfortable and I'm half hard, wanting him to do something besides look at me and stare.

“Beautiful,” I hear him breath before he continues in his plight to memorize every inch of me with his mouth.

I remember a time when I wouldn't even dream of letting him take the reins for sex, letting him do with me what he wants, but I almost crave it now. I want to let go of the control that I desperately try to keep for just a couple moments. I trust Eren and I want his first time since his disappearance to be nothing short of pleasurable, because I know damn well that he will make it pleasurable for me.

He shifts me on the bed so my legs aren't dangling off the edge anymore and he takes my cock and gives it a couple pumps.

I inhale through my nose, biting my lip to stay quiet.

Suddenly, there is pain on my inner thigh and I look to see that Eren bit me.

“Fuck, Eren!” I spit at him, “That hurt!”

He pumps my cock again, maybe in apology and I throw my head back, curling my toes and trying not to cry out.

He bites my other thigh, this time lightly, but enough to make me feel it.

I look down at him and he is watching me with those lust filled eyes that emanates need.

I realize what he wants. He doesn't want me to be quiet. He wants to hear every sound I make. It's fucking embarrassing.

Still, I try to hold in my voice until I feel the wet warmth of his mouth sheath my cock.

“Shit,” I curse, because really, it's been too long and I know neither of us are going to last long but Eren is treating me like I'm some damn idol.

One thing that can be said about Eren, it's that he has lost no skill in dick sucking. He bobs his head, making me twist beneath him and let out an small whine that I never wanted anybody to hear.

He pops off of me, looking satisfied and he squirms out of his jeans before he reaches over to the night stand. 

I hadn't even thought about putting lube in the drawers, but apparently Eren has been planning this for some time now because he pulls out a condom as well.

“No,” I say, and he stops, “Don't use a rubber, Bright Eyes.”

He gazes at me before he leans forward and kisses my nose. I hear the cap open and Eren sits up to pour the lube on his fingers, rubbing it around so it warms up.

He gestures with his other hand towards a pillow and I understand, putting it beneath my ass while he positions himself between my legs.

He leans forward to kiss me as he slips a finger inside of me. He knows by now that it has been as long for me as it has been for him, so he goes slowly.

My stomach tenses, waiting for him to reach that spot inside me. I wrap my arms around him, keeping his bruised lips connected with mine and he begins to pump his finger inside me.

I push back into him as he presses a second finger in, wanting to feel the pleasure that will shoot through me when he hits my prostate.

Suddenly, white hot ecstasy burns through me and I barely hear myself gasp Eren's name. He hits the spot again and suddenly, my legs feel like noodles.

I don't even notice him putting in a third finger, just let myself be kissed by Eren, letting him make me feel good.

He stretches me out and I'm breathing his name, telling him how much I love him, asking him to just  _fucking fuck me already_ .

He pulls his fingers out of me and grabs the lube to spread it over his dick and I can't deny that I'm ready for this. I want him inside me more than anything right now.

He wipes his hand on the bedspread, something I will bitch about later, and pulls my legs up over his shoulders before aligning himself to my entrance.

He pushes in slowly and I dig my fingers into his forearms as he presses forward slowly. Once he is fully sheathed in me, he waits, watching me as I adjust to the feeling of fullness that I had missed but hadn't felt in so long.

“It's okay,” I say after a moment, “Move.”

And move he does. 

He snaps his hips back before plunging his length back into me, gasping.

He presses forward, my legs falling off his shoulders only to wrap around his waist as he nearly folds me in half. He takes my hands, putting them on either side of my head and interlaces our fingers before he begins thrusting anew and I know I'm fucked in every meaning of the word.

He's hitting my prostate with every thrust and I'm crying out each time. It's too gentle and too perfect at the same time because I know that we aren't just fucking and fooling around like teenagers. While that is well and good, what we are doing, making love, is so much better and I never want it to end.

I can see his lips forming my name and I don't want him to cum without kissing me. So I raise my head and press my lips to his, hoping that he gets the point. 

He does, and he tangles his tongue with mine as I moan. He never stops and I can feel myself slipping into the territory of orgasming.

I squeeze his hand in warning, but he doesn't stop, only speeds up, pinning me into the mattress. I'm moaning, but it's muffled by Eren's mouth and I'm not sure just how much I can take anymore.

Eren rolls his hips and I arch my back, trying to get him to do it again out of instinct.

He does and I come apart, breaking apart from Eren's lips to shout his name over and over and over again as white fills my vision and I shoot cum over both of our stomachs. Aftershocks wrack me but Eren isn't finished and he keeps pounding into me, brushing the bundle of nerves which has me sensitive and I can't help but gasp until Eren squeezes my hands and tries to pull out, but I hold him there with my legs and he cums inside me.

He shudders and thrusts erratically, slowing down until he stops. He lowers his head onto my shoulder and we take a moment to catch our breath. 

I'm so incredibly sleepy, but I'm also gross and sweaty. 

It's almost as if Eren read my mind because he raises his head and looks at me before kissing me on the lips chastely before he rolls off the bed and heads to the bathroom. I only notice just now that the bathroom door was closed and when he opens it, Marney trots out, looking extremely offended and I chuckle.

I hear water running and I know that Eren is starting a bath for the both of us and I smile. 

Eren comes back and hands me a towel before I sit up.

“You know, a proper V-day gift would have been letting _me_ top,” I huff and he rolls his eyes.

“ _I didn't hear you complaining_ ,” he states and fuck if he's right.

The night doesn't end there, us not being able to keep our libido in check in the bathtub. We end up taking a shower before we find ourselves back in bed, tangled up in each other, Eren's face in my neck. I don't know how he doesn't suffocate like that, but it works and I slowly fall asleep.

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks, Eren and I become reacquainted with each other in the best of ways and I'm happy for it. We fuck like newlyweds, which in a way, we kind of are.

After a particularly active night, I decide to take Marney out for a walk before I check the mail. When I come back, however, a car that I don't recognize is pulling into my driveway.

When Terry steps out, I'm confused, expecting to see my mom with him.

“Hey,” I say.

“Levi!” he says, smiling and he looks a little twitchy.

“You want to come inside?” I ask and he nods.

“I...need to talk to you about something.”

Already, I know what it is but I decide to let him inside before I say anything. 

I feed Marney and put the mail on the counter and sit down at the kitchen table, motioning for him to do the same.

“What is it?” I ask and he looks over at the dog eating.

“It's about your mother...” he starts and I can tell this is going to take a while if things are up to him.

“Yes,” I tell him, “I'm alright with it.”

He looks up at me, wide eyed.

“You're alright we me asking her to marry me?” he asks me, bewildered.

I shrug.

“Yeah, I mean,” I tell him, “She's been really happy with you and you actually treat her well. I don't know if you came here for a blessing or some shit, but you have it. Just don't expect me to call you dad.”

Terry looks at me before he smiles.

“Sometimes, you are too much like your mother,” he tells me, “And I wouldn't expect the whole 'dad' thing. It would feel weird.”

He stays for a bit longer, showing me the ring he is going to buy and I just know that my mom is going to love it. 

When he leaves, I think for a moment, knowing that even though Terry hasn't been in our lives for a hugely long time, he's going to be really good for my mom.

Unless he shops at Best Buy.

I sift through the mail and I hear Eren coming down the stairs.

I look up and see his bed hair and smile.

“ _Was someone here_?” he asks, yawning.

“Terry. He was asking if I was okay with him marrying my mom,” I answer.

“ _It's about time_ ,” Eren signs with a roll of his eyes.

“Mmm,” I agree, “You had another night terror last night. Do you remember?”

Eren furrows his brow but then shakes his head.

I shrug but then hand Eren a piece of mail.

“This came for you,” I say, “I think it's from one of the charities I donated to. I hope they aren't asking for more money.”

Eren looks at the envelope before his eyes widen and ripping the letter open and reading it. 

He smiles and looks positively gleeful while I stare on in confusion. He just looks so damn happy I can't help but wonder what the fuck that letter says.

“Eren?” I ask and his eyes focus on me and he suddenly looks...guilty, “What's in that letter?”

He sets down the letter and bites his lip.

“ _About a month ago, I applied for a job with this group called Wings of Freedom. It's like an international aid organization. They send teams out and they travel around, providing the people of the country they are in with the things they need. Even though I don't have a background in health or social work, I know nine languages in total and know sign language, so I figured it was worth a shot. And they actually accepted me onto a team._ ”

I stare at him. I know he is overjoyed, but I can't help but think of the fact that he is leaving. 

I can't stop the next words out of my mouth.

“I'll come with you,” I say, not ready to let go of Eren.

He looks at me sadly and shakes his head.

“ _You have your job and school to worry about_ ,” he tells me and I already know this. I knew I wouldn't be able to come with him even before I said anything.

“I just...I just got you back, Eren,” I whisper, looking down, “I'm really happy for you, but I'm going to miss you.”

I feel his hand on my chin and him tilting my face towards his.

He kisses me, showing me that he would miss me too.

I break the kiss and ask, “When do you leave?”

“ _The beginning of June. We have plenty of time to make up for what we won't see of each other_ ,” he replies.

“How long will you be gone?” I ask.

“ _Seven months, but we can still talk on Skype and text. At least in places with Wi-Fi and phone service_ ,” he tells me.

I can feel my heart breaking but I know this is what is best for Eren.

“ _I will come back_ ,” he promises, “ _After all, you are my home_.”

“You are mine too,” I tell him, “How am I supposed to live here without my home?”

He looks pained at that but I stand up and hug him.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean that,” I say, “I'm just...really going to fucking miss you, Bright Eyes.”

He returns my embrace, kissing the crown of my head.

“I have to do this,” he breathes, “I have to help people and see the world.”

“I know,” I say, “I know.”

And even though it's fucking painful that he's leaving and I'm scared out of my mind of what will happen to him while he's there, I know it's the right thing for him to do. I know that he might suffer from night terrors and anxiety, but he is becoming strong enough to handle it, but not internalize it. Eren isn't someone I need to babysit anymore.

I am going to miss him so much, but I know that while our lives aren't running in the same direction, they intertwine and I know that we are always going to come home to each other. And that's all I can really ask for.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, more porn. I _was_ going to have Eren bottom, but I felt that it was better for Levi to be taken care of by Eren when Levi has been nothing but a caretaker this entire story. I'm super sorry to those of you who don't like bottom!Levi! :3


	57. Epilogue-Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don't have to, but I highly recommend listening to this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgUL3ut4gyQ) while reading this chapter.

I can't tell what the future will bring, but as I watch Eren walk through security at the airport, I try to imagine.

Eren will travel and send me pictures constantly. The ones with Eren smiling with landscapes or people in the background will end up on the mantle. We will talk as often as we can, but sometimes it won't be possible because we will be on opposite sides of the world.

I will work on my degree and work comfortably until he comes back and that is when neither of us leave the bed for days.

It will take him years to finally get comfortable going places without his earphones and even longer without his scarf, but he will get there.

My mom and Terry will get married once Eren gets back, including him as part of the family. I will be so happy for my mom and I might even choke when I give my speech at the reception.

Eren will keep on traveling with Wings of Freedom well into his thirties, loving his work and connecting with the people and seeing the places of the world.

Every so often, I will get a call, him panicking and just needing me to talk as he calms down from whatever nightmare he has. I won't mind doing it, assuring him that I love him and that he's alright and that he's safe. Those kinds of calls start becoming less frequent.

Farlan and Isabel will get married and they actually make a great couple.

Annie and Armin will get married too, Jean being the best man since Eren could only watch during a Skype video call.

Mike and Erwin along with Hanji and Moblit, _won_ ' _t_ get married, but they will stay together, marriage not being a particularly important detail for any of them, seeing it as just a piece of paper.

Mikasa and Jean don't have a wedding, rather, they get a marriage certificate and get a place together. They will be the first to have kids.

Petra and Auruo will probably have a series of break ups before they realize that they fucking love each other and settle down with each other.

Gunter will fly commercial airlines for a living and will love every second of it. Erd will become an investigative journalist, meet a blonde girl with a sweet face and marry her.

Connie and Sasha will probably always be a mystery. They will most likely just live with each other until they figure out that they couldn't be with anybody except their best friend.

Ymir and Krista will get married as well, having a double wedding with Reiner and Bertholdt, Ymir choosing to wear a suit and Krisa looking stunning in her dress. Reiner will try to get Bertholdt to wear a dress, to which the taller boy will vehemently disagree.

Eren and I won't get married until much, much later. He will want to settle down and ask me, much to both sets of parent's joy.

It is only then that I start traveling with Eren, though not on seven month expeditions. Then, our mantle will be filled with pictures of the two of us in different countries until they start turning into children we will eventually adopt, hopefully.

We will grow, age, live. And we will do it together, even if we will be separated for a while.

Our lives might not turn into the happy ending that I imagine in my head, but I can hope that this is what will happen.

I haven't told Eren any of this, but when I see him raise his hand to me, his ring and middle finger down but with the rest of his fingers up, I know I don't have to.

Because as I return the gesture, raising my own hand, I know that we've found something louder than words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not crying, _you're_ crying.
> 
> Okay, I would like to give a HUGE thank you to [KATastrofic222](http://archiveofourown.org/users/KATastrofic222/pseuds/KATastrofic222) for correcting my terrible spelling and grammar throughout this whole fic. Thank you so, so much! You are the best ever!
> 
> I would also like to thank [highfunctioningwhovian](http://highfunctioningwhovian.tumblr.com/post/95459436000/so-im-reading-louder-than-words-by), [nikooki](http://nikooki.tumblr.com/post/95094020449/for-louder-than-words-by-obsessionwithfiction-an), and [ShortlockHolmes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ShortlockHolmes/pseuds/ShortlockHolmes) for their fabulous artwork of my fic as well. You guys are the greatest and thank you!
> 
> And lastly, but certainly not least, thank all of you guys for reading, subscribing, bookmarking, and commenting on this fic. All of your support has really meant a lot and I'm so, so happy that I could write something that touched your hearts.
> 
> I will _not_ be writing an Eren POV. I feel like this story is fine on its own and I don't want to drag something out and have it lose its quality. I might, in the future, have little drabbles of Eren's thoughts in the LTW universe, but for now, I need to take a step away and breathe before I even think about writing something this heavy. Plus, I still have my other work, In This Life, that I need to work on.
> 
> If anybody has any questions whatsoever about LTW or just life in general, you can get me at [obsessionwithfiction](http://obsessionwithfiction.tumblr.com).
> 
> Thank you all so much and I love you all dearly. This has been such a great experience for me and I'm glad that everyone was so receptive. Love you guys! <3


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